Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 5: Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn (Part One)

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Note: This is the fifth and final fic in the Riffer Gauntlet. It is the sequel to "Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring". If you haven't started or missed a riffing...

"Sailor Moon and the New Scouts" is here. (Fic 1; Five part riffing)
"Sailor Moon Protecting the Future" is here. (Fic 2; Three part riffing)
"Sailor Moon and the Golden Key" is here. (Fic 3; Seven part riffing)
"Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring" is here. (Fic 4; Four part riffing)

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Immportnat Announcement

Tails: Oh... no.
Tomoko: A mangled spelling of "important", huh? We're already screwed.

We hope you like what we have put on here about our new story.

Miyuki: The other groups didn't like the other stories, so what're we gonna like about this one?

We are currently at a stuck point, so if you have anyideas please let us know in the guestbook. No new characters can be addedd. Sorry, it will mess up the flow.

Miyuki: That flow's been clogged since the first fic.
Tomoko: "No new characters"? Pretty rich coming from the Suethors who cram way too many of their own shitty characters into their half-assed stories.
Miyuki: And then they forget their own shitty characters later on.

Unless, here is a little hole in which can be a good thing, if the character if you want to add with out permission can be hidding in Nakomia. Run it by me, my e-mail is ----@sailormoon.com or you can e-mail me at ----@hotmail.com or at ----@yahoo.com.

Tails: We've obviously redacted the emails, but one of them was revealed to have "rosalina" in the address. Guess what that means.
Akiko: Wait, Rosalina's a self-insert, too?
Tails: Uh-huh. We already know that these fics were written by two people. It's just that there was no evidence of Rosalina being a self-insert until now.
Akiko: Wait, Cass said that she was "close enough" to being one.
Tails: If only she knew how right was.

Althouh on our site we have run a poll asking who should be the new Character. Sailor Heart is Being added to the Story.

Akiko: ...why, though?

I'm not going to spoil who she is but she is a very important relative to Sailor Universe.

Miyuki: Why, though?

Sailor Heart is a princess and comes from Planet X in which the City of Nakomia is located.

Tails: "I'm not going to spoil it," they say... right before they spoil her background. Ugh... *facepalms*

To find out more about this mysterious new chatacter, you'll have to find out for your self when you read the story: Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn.

Taracova Universa admin

Tomoko: I don't want to read this crap.
Akiko: Too bad, Tomo-chan.
Tails: By the way, do you all want a spoiler about Sailor Heart?
Miyuki: Yeah.
Tails: She doesn't show up at all. However, her civilian identity probably shows up later on.
Akiko: I don't know if we should be happy that she doesn't show up, or miffed that we were served a red herring.

(Where we left off in Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring.)

Miyuki: Some moron got a bunch of poor saps killed.

Sailor Galaxy made her way to her bedchamber and powered down. She changed into her beige evening gown and sat on the edge of her huge, golden color, canopy bed. How will I get through this without her? She was always there for me, but now she is gone. Queen Rosalina thought to herself and she began to cry. Warm tears of sorrow ran down her tanned cheeks.

Tomoko: They just had to be "perfect" tears, too. Tch.

She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how she could survive the rest of her life without her best friend by her side. Queen Rosalina forgot that Lord Deon was in the castle.

Tails: I think we know what'll get her through.
Miyuki: Yes, it's the magical healing penis.

Lord Deon entered Queen Rosalina’s bedchamber and went over to her. She heard him come in and looked up.

Lord Deon could see that her face was wet with tears. He sat down next to her and said, “Everything will be fine your majesty. You just have to give it some time. If you want me to stay with you for the night, then I will. Is that what you want.” Queen Rosalina shook her head yes. Lord Deon laid down next to her, holding onto her hand hoping that she will understand how much he loves her and that he hates to see her crying and upset.

Akiko: Uh... weren't you being tortured in the last fic?
Miyuki: Angst? What angst?

He kissed her on the forehead. Queen Rosalina laid her head on Lord Deon’s Stomach and only cried harder. She stopped crying a few minutes later and sat up next to Lord Deon.

“Are you going to be okay, your majesty?,” Lord Deon asked looking into her eyes.

Queen Rosalina could see that Lord Deon loved her

Tomoko: With no development. Damn cardboard cutout love interests...

and said, “Please, call me Rosalina. I will be fine. I just needed to get that out of my system. My mother use to tell me that you need to cry it out to release your sorrow and to become stronger. So that is what I did.”

Miyuki: Makes sense. Unfortunately, she sounded like a damn robot.
Tails: *woodenly* I have cried so I can release my sorrow. Now I am feeling better.

Queen Rosalina looked into his eyes again and said, “Lord Deon….” Lord Deon interrupted her and said, “Please call me Deon.” Queen Rosalina started again, “Deon, do you love me?”

“Yes, so much, I do,” Lord Deon stated, “Do you love me Rosalina?”

“Yes, I didn’t want to say anything before not knowing truly, how you felt about me,” Rosalina said as she looked away from him.

Akiko: Eww, what is all of this sappy stuff?
Tomoko: Don't touch the splooge.
Akiko: Eww!

Lord Deon put his hand on her chin and brought her big brown eyes back to meet his. He leaned in and kissed her. Rosalina didn’t move, she didn’t know what to do. She has never been in love before.

Akiko: Can you really call this "love"?
Tomoko: Not really.

He leaned in again and kissed her again only this time Rosalina kissed him back. He put his arms around her and held her all night long.

Miyuki: And that's how babies are made.

The other scouts went to there specified rooms in the castle and went to bed thinking about how they might be able to help protect Rosalina from any up-coming evil.

Tomoko: She's about to do it, but the others? They get no names. Screw them.

The next morning Rosalina woke up to find Lord Deon beside her and remembered that he stayed the night last night. She turned to him and noticed that he was still sleeping. Queen Rosalina finally understood how much she loved him. She thought about the magical night she had last night. The warmness of his hands on her body. The sweet scent of his cologne. All the butterflies that moved in her stomach when is lips touched hers. Her thoughts where interrupted when she felt Lord Deon moving next to her.

Miyuki: *as Rosalina* Hey, my friend's dead, but healing sex will make it all better!
Tomoko: I hate crap like this.

Her eyes met his and she said, “Good morning my love. How did you sleep?”

Akiko: Whoa, that was fast!
Tails: *rubs his neck* I know. Ow...

“I slept rather good last night, because I spent it with you,” Lord Deon said as he leaned in to kiss her again. They both kissed again.

Miyuki: Wait, did they even do it?
Tails: Maybe, maybe not. Looks like it's up to the reader to decide.

Queen Rosalina looked at the clock on the nightstand and saw that it was almost time for breakfast. “Well we better get dressed, it’s almost time to eat,” Queen Rosalina said. She kissed him and got out of bed and walked into her closet. She pulled out a cream colored gown and clean under garments. She carried her stuff to the bathroom and gathered some towels. So that she can take a shower before breakfast. Queen Rosalina closed the door behind her.

Tomoko: *tired* Who cares?
Miyuki: She pulled out "clean under garments"? What, she doesn't wash her underwear?
Akiko: Eww!

Lord Deon left a note on the bed and put his clothes back on. Then he made his way to his room so that he, as well as Rosalina, could freshen up before breakfast.

Queen Rosalina came out of the bathroom all dressed and found the note on the bed. The note read:

Dear Rosalina,

I went back to my room to freshen up. I will see you down at breakfast. See you down their gorgeous. I love you! ©

Tails: Why is that copyright symbol there? What is this?!

Love always,

Deon

Queen Rosalina put the note away in her bureau. She went out into the hallway just as Lord Deon, looking better then ever, came out of his room. “I love you too!,” she said as they exchanged smiles. They both kissed and Lord Dean

All: What?
Tails: Heh... heh... oh, no.

offered his arm to her and she gladly accepted. They walked down the stairs and into the dinning room.

All of the scouts stared as they entered the room. Everyone noticed that Queen Rosalina was just glowing with delight and serenity. They could tell that both Lord Deon and Queen Rosalina were in love.

Akiko: Ham-fisted love, sure, but it's love.

Each one of them stood up as Queen Rosalina and Lord Deon got closer to the table. Queen Rosalina and Lord Deon took their seats and all the scouts sat down.

“Good Morning, everyone. How did we all sleep last night? Well, I hope. Anyway, we have a lot to get done today and a lot to plan,” Queen Rosalina said as the maids brought in the breakfast trays.

“Queen Rosalina, what exactly are we going to do now?

Miyuki: Taxes. Lots of taxes.

We are now nothing against our opponents without her,” asked Sailor Planet.

“Let me ask you all a question. Do you really doubt my power? Do you think that I am a weakling that needs Sailor Universes protection?,” yelled Queen Rosalina, as she stood with fire in her eyes.

Tails: Uh, yes. There's a line in "Sailor Moon and the Golden Key" that actually says that "they knew that Universe was stronger then all of them put together."
Miyuki: Not only that, but Sueniverse did all of the work in the first fic. She nuked Prince Diamond and the Doom Phantom with a wave of her hand. The fics always made it a point that nobody could do anything without her, and suddenly, they're "wrong" for saying it?
Tomoko: It's a damn Sue fic. Anything that's right is "wrong".

All the scouts were wide eyed and clueless as to why she was yelling.

Tomoko: See? Now they're confused because she snapped.

Queen Rosalina calmly sat down and began to speak again. “Do you know why Sailor Universe was my protector, does any of you know?,” Queen Rosalina asked waiting for an answer.

Akiko: We already know. Don't tell us.

“I guess not, then I will just have to tell you why.

Akiko: Gah!
Miyuki: Here comes the hand holding filler.

It all started when she fled from Nakomia. She didn’t have a place to stay or any food to eat so she knew that she needed to find somewhere to stay. She remembered seeing a golden light after her mom was killed and decided to come to the golden city looking for a place to stay and for answers to her mothers death. She came to me for the answers. I told her that I didn’t know them and offered her a place to stay, under two conditions. The conditions were for her to protect me, which helped her in her training and to one day agree to rule at my side. The second condition however was never fulfilled. Once we learned who the attacker was that killed her mother, she wanted noting to do with Nakomia again. So she stayed with me, until the vary day her destiny was fulfilled.”

Tails: So she abandoned her innocent citizens to live and die at the hands of a tyrannical despot? And she was supposed to be the protagonist?! That's incredibly callous as all get out!

Queen Rosalina was interrupted when one of the scouts asked her a question.

“Did you know she was immortal when she first came to you?” Sailor Orbit concentrated on Rosalina while waiting for an answer.

Tomoko: Great. Here comes the character shilling. Even when she's dead, she still has to hog the spotlight.
Tails: Reminds me of the Kathryn story that Sonic told me about.

“No, I didn’t know much about her until she told me. I never asked about her, she told me things only when she was ready to, or only if she wanted me to know them. The only thing I knew was that she wasn’t evil.

Tomoko: Bullshit.
Miyuki: She kicked her enemies while they were down. She left citizens to die. She lorded her powers over everyone else. And she's not evil?
Akiko: Yeah, and I just won the billion dollar lottery.

I can sense most things about people, but because she was immortal her mind was blocked from me.

Tails: She had Bella Swan syndrome. She didn't have a mind to read because it was empty.
Tomoko: Scathing, Prower. I like it.

I learned some of her powers and I taught her how to use the golden power. She was one of the few non-galaxians that could withstand its strength,” Queen Rosalina answered.

“Now, the only way she was able to withstand the strength is because she was immortal?”

“Well actually it is hard to explain why. You see, she was to become an assistant to the immortal goddess Kida. Like Kida I am a goddess only I am not immortal.”

“Queen Rosalina, What are we going to do with her body, I mean the Statue of Universe? Are we going to bury it?”

Tomoko: No, get Rose to smash it with her giant hammer.

Jennifer looked at Rosalina in a Serious manner, because she knew know that she will soon be Rosalina’s right hand scout at the carination of a new member of the Trio.

Tails: Thanks for that random plot explanation.

“We will build a sanctuary for her behind the palace in the graveyard. It will be part of the palace a place where anyone with permission from me can go to pay their debts. We will also make a day in remembrance to her.”

Miyuki: Ugh, no.

“How are we going to build it? With magic?”

“No, It will be built with concrete and sealed with golden power.”

Akiko: So... it's going to be built with concrete and magic. Right.

“Where will Universe’s statue be placed until her sanctuary is complete?”

“In the Gazebo in the Royal courtyard where we are the only ones that will have access. Now let us all go and dress nice. It is time for the carination,” said Queen Rosalina.

Tomoko: What the hell is a "carination"?
Tails: It's supposed to be "coronation".
Miyuki: These errors are gonna give me a coronary.

Queen Rosalina made her way to her room, not to change, but to see Princess Sensarity. When she entered the room she saw Princess Sensarity at her desk writing in her journal.

Akiko: Huh? The last fic said that she was two years old!
Miyuki: That's an advanced two year old.
Tails: And this fic's supposed to take place immediately after the last one.
Tomoko: They screwed up their timeline again.

She walked over to her and held out her hand motioning for to stand.

Sensarity stood and looked up into Rosalina’s face. Bewildered she asks, “Is it time for me to come out into the world, I haven’t quite finished my studies yet.”

Tomoko: Damn, just throw her into an underground dungeon for the rest of her life, why don't you?

“Well, there has been a slight change in plans. It’s time for the world to see what you can do. Hurry up and dress nice and meet me in the courtyard, Queen Rosalina said as she headed out the door. Queen Rosalina changes into a extravagant gold ball gown made of real silk.

Akiko: *bored* This has nothing to do with the plot, huh? It's just another bad fic that has to tell us everything that the Sue's wearing, huh? Are we going to get any action here?
Tails: If we do, it's gonna be bad.
Akiko: Well, one step at a time.
Miyuki: Whoo, your standards are so low.

She decided to head out to the courtyard to peer upon the statue of Sailor Universe.

Miyuki: All hail Queen Sue!
Tomoko: I think Morgan's gonna make due on her promise to get a bunch of pigeons to shit on a bad statue.

She arrived in the courtyard and gazed upon the magnificent statue.

Tails: *as Axl* You misspelled "horrific", Suethors.

She thought about the new scout that she would have to introduce and realized that she didn’t have a name yet.

Miyuki: Sailor Who Gives A Rat's Ass.

As she looked at the statue she could remember the last battle she had together with Sailor Universe. It was with Prince Diamond and Princess Amara also known as Wicked Lady. “The last time I saw you Universe was with Diamond. You were using an Evolution power on Amara while I was using a Time Reversal on Serena- that’s it Evolution! She shall be named Sailor Evolution in memory of you of course!” Rosalina Backed away from the statue as she heard foot steps coming up behind her.

Tails: Wait, so the only time Serena is mentioned... is to give a Sue's daughter a name? Great. The title character has now been reduced to a mere prop. Absolutely ridiculous.

As Princess Sensarity gazed upon the statue she walked close and fingered it.

All: Uh...
Akiko: I usually wouldn't know these terms, but I've been hanging around Kyo-chan and his friends a lot, so...

“What is it a statue of mother?” Sensarity looked up at Rosalina with a look of innocence.

Tomoko: Is it really innocent when she just fingered a statue?
Miyuki: Ancient sex dolls.
Tomoko: Damn it, Fujiwara.

“It’s a statue of the Immortal sailor scout, Sailor Universe. She was my right hand warrior. She

Akiko: ...gets even more shilling now.

protected me with her life and I taught her everything I knew about the golden power. She was the only one besides me to know every little secret about it. Let me tell you something Sensarity, Sailor Universe is the warrior in which you will be replacing.

Tails: Great, she gets to be insufferable, too? *waves his hands around sarcastically* I'm all for it!

You will be known as Sailor Evolution. You will study the art of Evolution and become one of the sailor scouts of the Forbidden Trio, along with myself and Sailor Planet. Do you understand what I am telling you, Sensarity?,” asked Queen Rosalina.

Miyuki: So she gets that book that was written by Charles Darwin. What's so special about it?

“Yes mother. You want me to become a scout and help protect the world from all evil. You see I have been studying very hard for this event and now it is finally here. Oh, I’m so excited. Are you going to tell everyone about your relationship with Lord Deon,” asked Sensarity.

“Yes, I will be announcing our engagement at the carination. Speaking of the carination, we better get moving along,” answered Queen Rosalina.

All: Huh?!
Tails: They only knew each other for one fic! Where's the character development? Where's the pacing? Where's the backstory on their relationship?
Akiko: This makes even less sense than Helena and Alex.
Miyuki: Same with Kyo and Emi's old self.
Tomoko: Don't forget Yagami and Kushinada the Super Sue.
Tails: Well, the main difference happens to be the fact that these two are bland original characters. The usual examples often involve a Mary Sue or a Gary Stu sucking a canon character's personality into a dried husk. Oh, and by the way... there's also Michiru and Benji.
Akiko, Miyuki, Tomoko: *groans*
Tails: Precisely.

“Engaged mother, I had no idea,” Sensarity said in shock.

All: Neither did we!

“Well I love you, Lord Deon, and my people and that is all that manners. We will begin a new life and hope for the best to come in the future,” Queen Rosalina said full of love.

Tomoko: *as Rosalina* But Nakomia? Fuck 'em.

They walked together to the main courtyard were a stage and rows and rows of seats were set up. Queen Rosalina could see the faces of all her scouts in their Sailor uniforms. They stood with full attention and showed respect to their queen.

Akiko: And how are we supposed to show respect?
Miyuki: By chewing gum, putting our feet on the tables, and throwing pies.

Rosalina motioned to Sensarity to take her seat on the stage next to hers. Everybody watched her as if they have never seen a galaxican before. Sensarity was a spitting image of her mother Queen Rosalina. Sensarity has silky black hair, brown eyes and a perfect figure.

Tails: Argh!
Miyuki: We did not just get smacked with the "curves in all the right places" card. Please tell me that we didn't get smacked with that.
Akiko: We just did, Mi-chan. By the way... isn't she supposed to be two years old?
Tomoko: I... ugh. Aging her up like Sailor Saturn doesn't remove the squick, either.

She is kind, caring, and strong just like Rosalina.

Tomoko: Show, don't tell, damn it.

Following close behind Sensarity, Rosalina climbed the stairs and stood strong and firm at the podium ready to address not only her people but her fellow scouts. She gazed at her audience and new that they were ready for the new scout to come into play. “Good afternoon,” Rosalina started, “I call you all here today for a couple of reasons. Let’s start off with the issue of the statue of Sailor Universe. I know it is hard for us to say goodbye to her.

Tomoko: No, it ain't.

She was kind and caring to all of us.

Akiko: Are we in Bizarro Land?

Just because she is a statue doesn’t mean that we will never see her again. Today we will build a sanctuary for her.

Tails: ...why?

We will make a holiday named after her and we will……never forget her.

Miyuki: I wanted to forget her. The other groups wanted to forget her.

All who wish to visit her can and place flowers near her.

Tails: Corpse flowers only, please.

So shall we begin, begin to make her a part of our history. She shall be remembered!” Queen Rosalina starting to feel the warm tears roll down her cheeks put her hands up to her face.

Akiko: Yeah, remember... what do we have to remember her by?
Tomoko: Aside from her jackass attitude?
Miyuki: And her boring Sue powers?
Tails: And her spotlight stealing capabilities?
Akiko: So... she's just like every other Mary Sue.
Miyuki: Yep. Completely unmemorable.

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