Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 12: Sailor Moon and The New Scouts (Part One)

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Note: The Riffer Gauntlet begins. This is the first of a set of five fics, and they all follow the names of the original English dub. (Ironically, Ami's and Rei's original names are used in this fic.) The riffers will also follow suit by using the names as the fic states them.

The riffers cannot switch out, either.

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Sailor Moon and the new Scouts

ACT 1: CRYSTAL TOKYO

It was the year 3000. The much-anticipated third millennium New Years
celebrations would be quite spectacular -- most seeing it as a new beginning
for all.

Kyo K.: And it's the end for the rest of us.

The scouts having recently graduated from High school were living
independently in the outside world.

Mai: *confused* They were in high school for a whole millenium?
Kyo L.: And they still graduated before Kyo did.
Kyo K.: *grumbles*

The scouts had successfully defeated
Queen Beryl, Prince Diamond and a host of other adversaries along the way.

Kyo K.: They only mentioned the first two because that's where the first dub tapes got cut off.
Mai: No wonder. Guess the writers never reached the end of the Black Moon dub where the... what was the Death Phantom's dub name?
Kyo L.: *reads through Miyu's notes* Doom Phantom, Mai.
Mai: Thank you. Anyway, looks like they never found out that the Doom Phantom was the main villain.
Kyo K.: That's why I said the dub tapes got cut off. Don't make me run a joke into the ground, please.

With the benefit of experience, they knew they were prepared to meet any
challenge that came their way.

Sonic: Oh, please. Minute that sentence comes up, they get their butts kicked by the new enemies, and some Sues or Stus show up to take over the show. We've played this game before.
Kyo L.: And we've lost every time.

It was a bright sunny afternoon. Serena and her friends were walking
casually towards the ice-cream shop when they herd a loud scream coming from
a nearby alley.

Mai: Wait a second. It's the year 3000. Serena should be Neo-Queen Serenity by now.
Sonic: This fic's now operating in its own weird canon.

The girls had broken into a run - transforming in mid-stride
as they rushed towards the source of the screams. Sailors Venus, Jupiter,
Mars, Mercury and Last but certainly not least -- Sailor Moon stood in a
half circle facing five mysterious figures gathered at the mouth of the
lane.

"You're too late, she's already gone," a dark haired girl exclaimed. These
girls wore black clothing - tops, skirts, knee-length black boots and high
heels, and jewelry consisted mostly of black stones.

Kyo K.: No, they're not ripoffs of the Sailor Starlights.

"What happened here? " Mars demanded, not liking this at all.

These girls, looking a lot like Sailor Scouts, gave one another knowing
looks before vanishing into a void, leaving the scouts alone in the deserted
alley.

Mai: Because nothing says "allies" like not communicating.
Sonic: That's implying that they're even allies in the first place.

"What was that all about? " Jupiter wondered aloud.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling it wont be the last we'll see of them,
that's for sure! " Sailor Moon said thoughtfully as Mercury knelt on one
knee, computer in hand, scanning for clues.

Kyo K.: Hey, uh... about that scream?
Sonic: Who cares, that's not important!

The mysterious visitors had materialized in the food court unseen. They
filed into the shopping center, located next to the lane where they'd had
their first encounter with the Sailor Scouts.

"Lets go shopping. It will be fun. Please, please, Erica! We can pick up
something for her evilness," begged Mia.

Kyo L.: *raises an eyebrow* That better not be the Mia that knocked me and my group into that cursed ass spaceship. I'm still itching to give her a very nice talk.
Sonic: Who the heck are these people?
Kyo K.: Who cares, they're better than Serena.
Kyo L.: *bored* Who isn't better than Serena?

"All right, lets shop. Where do you want to start," Erica asked scanning the
vast interior of the ground level atrium in wonder.

"How about a black-silk dress or cosmetics," Ruth suggested as her eyes
hungrily drank in their surroundings.

Mai: Because black always means evil.

"Why not both? It's not like we actually have to pay for them," Naomi said
with a cheeky grin.

"Well girls lets get to it before she calls for us," Tamara cut in
hurriedly.

They quickly moved through the complex, collecting as much as they could for
her evilness. Then decided to pick up something for themselves.

"Lets all meet back hear at the pizza shop when we're done," Erica
instructed.

The girls had been shopping for an hour or so, when they received a call
from Wicked Lady. "Girls, come back at once. Diamond requires your presence
immediately," she commanded.

Wicked Lady, otherwise known by a select few as, Amara was a powerful figure
not to be kept waiting.

Kyo K.: *looks through Emi's notes, scratches his head* Uh... it says that Amara was the dub name of Haruka.
Sonic: Sailor Uranus is somehow the Wicked Lady?
Kyo L.: *confused* What in the hell?
Mai: What a mess. Also, how can the Wicked Lady be mentioned when this fic said that Prince Diamond was the real villian and not the Doom Phantom... never mind.

"We're on our way now, Mistress," Erica replied promptly.

Forming a circle, they shouted in unison, "teleport!"

Kyo L.: Yeah, teleport me outta here, too!

ACT 2: NEGA-TOKYO

The girls arrived back home at the palace in Nega-Tokyo in a matter of
seconds. They rushed to see what Diamond expected of them.

"Ladies, I want you to bring Princess Serena to me. The best way to
accomplish your mission is teleport her here while she sleeps," Diamond
suggested, brushing his white tresses from his handsome face.

Sonic: *sarcastically* Yeah, that doesn't sound creepy at all!
Mai: It was creepy back then. It's still creepy.

"We shall bring her to you, your kingliness.

Kyo K.: Uh, isn't he a prince?

What about the Sailor Scouts?"

"One of my minions shall take care of them," Wicked Lady cut in as she
strode magisterially into the chamber, taking her place beside Diamond.

Kyo L.: Is "magisterially" even a word?
Kyo K.: Yes. And this will shock you, it's used correctly.
Sonic, Kyo L., Mai: *gasps*
Kyo K.: *unfazed* It's not worth a parade. I'm just saying that it's used correctly.

"Clone able, I command you to step forward!"

Sonic: Wait, what? That's it? That's its name?

"How best may I serve you today, milady?"

"I want you to assume the guise of young Serena. Just look upon her image
and you'll learn all she knows. In fact, you will be as close to an exact
replica as one can be, behaving as does the real Serena."

Kyo K.: Oh, please! I've been cloned like a thousand times, and none of those jerks could mimic the real thing right here!

" By your leave milady ... I will take her place once she is teleported
here." Clone able responded with a bow.

Mai: Good luck trying to be her. She's... rather unique.

ACT 3: BACK ON EARTH

Not far from Serena's house, Clone able lay in wait for Serena to return
home. Once she had arrived, her golden plaits dancing as she struggled with
her keys and let herself in, Clone Able smiled to himself.

Kyo L.: Her hair's acting on its own? Is she Millia Rage or something?

After the light
in her room was extinguished and she'd fallen asleep, he'd make his move.

"Hey, whose there?" asked Erica, startled by a sound coming from somewhere
behind her.

"Should I ask, what are you doing here?" Tuxedo Mask demanded.

"That's none of your business!"

She bit back, turning quickly to face the tall caped figure towering over
her.

Kyo L.: Um... what?!
Sonic: *confused* Uh... what the heck is happening?
Mai: I have no idea.
Kyo K.: There's five stories in this whole thing, and we're already lost? We're only the first group!
Mai: *sighs* It'll be hell to take any coherent notes at this rate...

"Tundra Dark Star Power!" shouted Tamara from behind a leafy evergreen-a
brilliant flash heralding her transformation into Sailor Tundra. "Tundra
Tidal Wave!"

Kyo L.: And where the hell did she come from?
Sonic: Thin air.
Kyo L.: We have no details of this plan. We've been shoved with this stuff and we're supposed to accept it.
Sonic: Uh, yeah. We should be used to this stuff by now, Kyo.

Tuxedo Mask was thrown by the watery blast, knocking him off his feet into
the air. He hit the ground and before he knew what hit him, another attack
soon followed the first.

Kyo K.: Man, Cape Guy sure has to be the cannon fodder for this stuff, huh?
Mai: In the anime, he usually was. The manga was a bit more forgiving. I mean, he died in both mediums, but...
Kyo K.: That's far from "forgiving", Gloomy.

"Elusion Dark Star Power!" shouted Erica.
Sailor Elusion flew down towards Tuxedo Mask as he scrambled to his feet.
"It's a crying shame, Tuxedo Mask. You're a cute one, that's for sure!"
Tuxedo Mask braced himself for the oncoming attack. "Sweet Elusion Kiss!"
shouted Sailor Elusion. The affect of Sailor Elusions kiss filled his head
with future images of Serena marrying someone else.

"Welcome to the Dark Side Tuxedo Mask, or should I say, Darien. Now your
task is to persuade Rei to give up her powers!" commanded Sailor Elusion.
"Yes my love!" Tuxedo Mask replied.

Sonic: Wait, why use Rei if there are images of Serena in the illusion? What's happening?
Mai: It's to make him forget about her, Sonic.
Kyo K.: Forget that, the main problem is that this stuff is happening in front of Serena's house. I don't... why isn't she hearing any of this? *facepalms* Gah. Never mind...

Elusion and Tundra powered down.

Kyo K.: *with a bored look on his face* What a fight scene. I was on the edge of my seat.
Kyo L.: Thank Christ that Akiko wasn't here to see this crap.

ACT 4: CHERRY HILL TEMPLE

It was a typically warm evening at the Cherry Hill Temple where Rei and her
friends were about to sit to a delicious home-cooked meal.

"So Serena, how have things been without Rini?" asked Mina, a look of
concern etched upon her face.

Kyo L.: Peaceful.
Kyo K.: Pfft.

"I'm doing okay, all things considered. I've found it hard to get use to her
absence - I miss her heaps. Guys, I've asked myself how best to get her
back. "Serena said thoughtfully.

"Well, as it stands, due to the fact only she has the power to break
Nega-Tokyo's grip on her in order to return to us ... if only she could
break free of the darkness controlling her heart." Ami explained, her blue
hair catching the reflected light from within the shrine.

Sonic: *confused* And where's the backstory on that?
Mai: Backstories are useless in fics like these. Unless, of course... she's still the Wicked Lady.

"But she's sailor Mini-Moon, she's one of us. I still don't understand why
it's not a good idea to at least attempt a teleport behind enemy lines to
free her spirit," Serena argued.

Kyo L.: What in the holy hell is going on?! This fic's all over the place!
Mai: Let me get this straight. we're probably in the Black Moon arc, but we're also told that she's Sailor Mini Moon. The fic also says that Prince Diamond was defeated... yet he's still around. Uh...
Kyo K.: Did the authors read the manga?
Mai: Maybe. I don't know. This fic really is in its own little timeline.

"It seems danger follows Rini wherever she goes, it isn't fair that she cant
live the life of a normal girl her own age, " Mina added while stroking
Artemis.

Sonic: Isn't that bestiality?
Kyo L.: Ask Oscar.
Sonic: And now I'm going to puke. Thanks, Kyo.

"Well I would have saved her, if I wasn't busy taking care of the Doom
Phantom!" Yelled Lita

Mai: If we only had the details on that...

"Nobody's blaming you, or anyone else for that matter ... I used to be
annoyed by her antics and wining,

Kyo K.: Pretty sure that almost all of the American fanbase was tired of her garbage.

but as we got to know her -- having stood
side-by-side in battle. Sharing quality time together. We've all grown to
love her. And as you know, it's been difficult for us all to accept the fact
she's under the Dark Crystal's power. So stop blaming yourselves. I know
we'll get her back somehow." Serena gently chided her friends, who sat in
silence, their heads lowered as Serena spoke from the heart. "Now come on, I
have to go, bye guys."

Kyo L.: Wait, this is set during the Black Moon arc?
Sonic: I don't even think that a map will save us here.

"Bye, Serena!" The others chimed in unison.

All: We are legion.

After Serena had gone, the girls continued to talk amongst themselves. Soon
Darien would arrive.

"So, Ami ... what is your opinion about Rini?" asked Rei leaning forward,
elbows planted firmly on her knees as she looked at her friend.

"Well, at least for the moment, I think it best if we don't confront the
Nega moon just yet. At the very least until we have a plan and permission
from Princess Sensara!"

Kyo K.: Who in the hell is Princess Sensara?
Sonic: Is that the so-called weight loss thing that folks used to sprinkle on their burgers?
Kyo L.: No, that was Sensa.
Kyo K.: Screw it, I'm gonna call her Princess Sensa now.
Mai: *confused* What in the world is happening?
Kyo K.: You might as well start making little squigglies in your notebook. They'll make more sense than this thing.

"Knock, knock ... anyone home?"
Darien called out cheerfully.

Rei walked casually across the room and into the hall to answer the door.
"Oh, hello Darien" Rei said grinning her welcome. "Oh, you have company Rei?
I wanted to talk to you alone."

Mai: Did we just take a sharp turn into a fanfic that Axl would read?
Kyo K.: I've already read a Sailor Moon fic that had a sex scene in it.
Sonic: How was it?
Kyo K.: *stares at Sonic* Do you know what group I'm in?
Sonic: Oh, yeah. How bad was it?
Kyo L.: So bad that he probably wanted to drink raw sewage.
Kyo K.: Yep.

"Hold on, Darien, I'll get rid of them!" Rei was about to turn when Darien
stopped her.

"Wait Rei, I don't want them to know I'm here!"

Kyo L.: Here we go. Now rip your clothes off, folks.
Sonic: *tugs at his neckerchief* Us or them? See, I don't have that many clothes.
Kyo K.: What clothes?

"Then go right upstairs and wait for me in my room, I'll be up as soon as I
can." Rei suggested, stepping back to allow him past.

He took the stairs two steps at a time. Rei listened out for the sound of
the closing door before returning to the lounge.

"Hey guys, it's getting late," she yawned.

"You're right, Rei. I have to get going." Lita replied, taking the not so
subtle hint.

Ami and Mina gathered their things, straightening their clothes and nodded
before following Lita to the door and said their goodbyes.

Rei shut the heavy oak door behind her, leaning against its solid frame and
sighed, a smile gracing her lips. Then slowly climbed the stairs to her
room.

Mai: *reads Miyu's notes* It says that Rei stopped chasing after him during the first arc of the anime. What's the point of bringing up a one time crush?
Sonic: Well, he is brainwashed.
Mai: I understand that, but she isn't.
Sonic: *shrugs* Gotta bring up old stuff, you know.

Darien stood at the foot of the stairs looking at her intently. Rei's heart
skipped a beat as she almost lost herself in his deep-blue eyes. "Hey, how
come you didn't want them to know you were here?"

"I had to talk to you alone," he took a deep breath and pressed on. "Since
Rini's capture, I've wanted to talk to you about Serena and I." He cleared
his throat and began again. "In the light of all that's happened, I have
come to a realization; you see, Serena and I don't necessarily need to stay
together anymore."

Mai: It's "Sailor Moon R"... but even worse. How do you make it worse?
Kyo L.: Easy, just write weird crap like this.

"What are you trying to say, Dar?" she said unsteadily with stars in her
eyes as feelings of mixed emotion overwhelmed her.

Kyo K.: Did someone punch her in the head? Why's she seeing stars like that?
Kyo L.: OOC hammer can do that to you.

"I'm saying," without another word, he leaned over and kissed Rei on the
lips.

"Oh ... Darien! What will Serena Say?" Rei asked in a breathless tone,
trying to process everything happening to her at that moment.

"I don't care for Serena, I never did.

Mai: As "Sailor Moon R" probably showed in a truly haphazard manner...

Allow me to explain.

Mai: No. Go away. I don't care if you're brainwashed.

You see our
destinies were set in stone before we were even born. I had a role to
fulfill, and so too did Serena. And as wonderful a person she is, and I do
respect her and am fond of her ...

Sonic: Son, why're you lying?

I just don't love her the way I do you
... I've always loved you Rei, but I had to bury my true feelings for all
our sakes. But all that is changed now."

Kyo K.: This is how Yagami got warped by Kira, right? Just plain old brainwashing?
Kyo L.: That's been established.

He gathered Rei in his arms with a fire neither of them had ever known
before,

Kyo L.: ...in their loins.

and their lips met once again. He felt her heart beating
rhythmically against his chest as their kiss deepened. The next thing they
knew, it was early morning.

All: Excuse me?
Kyo K.: They just went and did it?
Sonic: Only from 4:59 to 5:00 A.M. They spent the rest of it talking.
Mai: Let me get this straight. So far, the plot involved him being brainwashed, Rini's... somewhere, and some random evil Senshi are just shopping and doing evil things. I don't understand what's happening.
Kyo L.: And you never will. Good luck with those notes, Mai.
Mai: *sighs heavily* Wonderful.

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