Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 13: Sailor Moon Protecting the Future (Part One)

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Note 1: This is the second fic in the Riffer Gauntlet. It is is the sequel to "Sailor Moon and the New Scouts". If you want to get familiar with it, go here to read it. It's a five part riffing.

Note 2: Technically, the fic is meant to follow the names of the English dub, but it's now mangled. Raye is "Ray", Lita is "Leta", Mina is "Nina", and Rini is "Renee". The riffers are just going to use the dub names.

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Sailor Moon

Protecting the Future

(Where we left off in "Sailor Moon and the New Scouts")

Sensara (the new princess of the moon)

Benimaru: In case you hit your head and completely forgot that fact, it's there.

started toward the door, until she heard something behind her. She spun around quickly and saw a golden glowing princess like figure. "Huh, who are you? I demand to know!" Sensara Yelled. "Now, now Sensara there is no need for yelling. I am Queen Rosalina! I too want to hear this legend." Queen Galaxy said softly.

Axl: There's no need for yelling... and then you yelled. Why's everyone yelling?
Sonia: Sonic said that the Sue Trio loved to yell a lot.
Miyu: *reads Mai's notes* Where... did Rosalina come from? She wasn't present in the final scene in the previous story.
Benimaru: Well, the Kyos told me that the last fic was a jumbled mess. It's going to be hell to keep up with this mangled "plot".

"Then follow me." Replied Sensara (still dressed as Sailor Mercury).

"Sorry it took me so long girls. I wanted to try on my new look." Said Sensara (still dressed as Sailor Mercury).

Sonia: *annoyed* We got it, fic. She's dressed up as Mercury. Quit holding our hands.
Miyu: We also didn't need a paragraph break to give two lines to the same person.

Queen Galaxy then lifted her hand toward the girls hinting for them to say nothing. Galaxy then sat at the table with the others. "This legend began when Serena was still in rein:

Axl: You mean "reign", lady.

Long, long ago a prince from Earth came to the moon and fell in love with the moon Princess. The Prince from Earth swore to protect the Princess and her Kingdom. While The Prince went and fought Evil Queen Beryl, The Princess was left unguarded. All the Princess could do was wait, wait for the day that he would come back and marry her.

I Sensara

Axl: *as Sensara* ...still dressed as Sailor Mercury...

am the new Princess of the moon, since Serena had given it up to continue being Sailor Moon.

Sonia: No, she didn't. You just moved in like a damn squatter and never left.
Miyu: That definitely makes no sense. If we're still in the present day, Serena is still Princess Serenity. This fic's a giant mess!

So I have been waiting for my Prince from Earth, and this Prince is Darien. We were meant to be, it is our Destiny." Said Sensara.

Benimaru: *with a megaphone* No, it isn't!
Sonia: Am I in Hell?
Axl: Yep! At least you have pals to accompany you.
Sonia: *groans* You didn't want to accompany me, Axl. Don't fluff this up.

"So I see, but I'm afraid that I can't allow you to marry Darien!" exclaimed Sailor Universe. "Well whether you like it or not Darien and I are destined to be together, and we are going to get married tonight!" Shouted Princess Sensara. "Not without a fight!" exclaimed Universe as she stood up. "Nonsense your to weak remember." Said Princess Sensara.

Benimaru: Excuse me, is there a plot? I'm not in the mood to look at a useless "Dynasty" style catfight.
Axl: Those were more entertaining. Also, there's no plot.

"If I may interrupt for just a minute. Sensara do you remember when I was all golden glowing, and all of the gold glow went passed you headed for the conference room?" asked Queen Galaxy. "Yes I do. But what does that have to do with this?" Sensara asked. "Universe." Said Galaxy. "It was Universian glow. A gift from my people. But also a gift from my Master, the Immortality goddess Kida. So now I am my self again, and stronger then ever." Said Universe.

Miyu: So you pulled something out of your butt? Great! *mutters* Now I see why Kyo called that damned Sue a cancerous polyp.

"Fine we shall have a battle. If I win I get to keep Mercury and her powers as my own and Darien and I will get married. Last but not least if you lose you will be my slave for eternity, and your powers will become mine. Not only will I get your universe powers I will also become the Immortal goddess Taracovia! Understand?" said Sensara.

Axl: It's a sad day when you are wishing for the villain to win.
Miyu: Someone's definitely writing incorrectly.

"Fine but if I win you will not Marry Darien and you will let Mercury go back to Earth!" Said Universe. "It's a deal!" said Sensara

Sonia: You're expecting a villain in this series to keep promises? You're all dumber than you look.

"We will have our battle in a couple of days, so that I may prepare. Until then I don't want to see you on the moon. If I do you will automatically for fit! Understand?" asked Sensara.

Benimaru: Well, I guess you automatically lost because you didn't spell "forfeit" correctly...

"Until then, you will postpone your wedding! Understand?" asked Sailor Universe. "Fine! Now be gone!" Sensara shouted. The Sailor Trio then disappeared.

"Darien I'm sorry but I have no choice but to postpone our wedding!" exclaimed Sensara. "But, why don't you love me?" asked Darien.

Miyu: Hi, person who poofed and never came back in the previous fic!
Benimaru: Wait, how did he get on the Moon?
Miyu: *reads Mai's notes* Wicked Lady sent him to the Moon to ensure that Rini would no longer exist... or something. That all happened offscreen in the previous fic.

"Yes I do…" said Sensara. Sensara then held up her Sensarian Crystal (The Sensarian crystal is also known as the Crystal of jealousy)

Axl: Now we're getting author's notes in the middle of the thing? *throws his hands up* Sure, let's make this fic an even bigger headache to plow through.

"I call upon the powers of the Sensarian moons, grant me your power! Sensarian Crisis Power!" shouted Sensara. All of a sudden Sensara transformed into her original form, the Sensarian moon princess. "What's going on?" asked Darien.

Sonia: I'm sensing that something incredibly petty is going to happen in a minute.

"If I can't marry you now then no one will ever marry you not even princess Serena! They said I couldn't marry you yet, until our battle, just in case I lose, I want to make sure that your gone and Renee is no more! Sensarian Human …" started Sensara. "Stop right there in the name of the stars and sun we will punish you! I am Sailor Sun (Dawn), and I am Sailor Star (Karoline), we are the Sailor Scouts of the Solar System!" The two mystery guests shouted.

Benimaru: *baffled* What is happening? Who are these random people?
Axl: They're Sailor Sun (Dawn) and Sailor Star (Karoline)!
Miyu: *sighs* Mai didn't enjoy taking those notes. Oh, this is going to get even worse...
Benimaru: Wait, Sailor Star? Hang on, I think I riffed another Sailor Moon fic that had a Sue named Sailor Star. Her name was Sakura Selenity... something.
Sonia: And we already know about the hundreds of Sailor Suns out there. I've dealt with a Sailor Sun my own self.
Axl: Great, the Sailor Sues are starting to overlap. We've riffed too many crappy fics.

"What do you want?" asked Sensara "We came here to collect Darien and Mercury and her powers until after the battle!" exclaimed Sailor Star. "Not without a fight!

Miyu: Are you ready for another terrible fight scene?
Sonia: No.
Miyu: Sorry, you're getting another terrible fight scene.

Sensarian Ice Revolution!" Shouted Sensara. A blast of Ice then engulfed Sailor Star. "Sailor Star! Sun Beam Attack!" Yelled Sailor Sun. A stream of fire circled Sailor Star, but Sailor Suns powers had no effect on the ice around Sailor Star. "UN Freeze my sister or else you'll feel my wrath!" exclaimed Sailor Sun. "Oh boo who I'm scared!" said Princess Sensara

Benimaru: Sailor Moon: Protecting the Playground.

"Well I warned you! Sun Fire Explosion!" shouted Sailor Sun. A huge Fireball was heading straight for Sensara. "Orbit Ice Crystals Shimmer!" yelled a mysterious voice. The shimmering Ice crystals had formed a barrier around Sensara to protect her. "Whose there?" asked Sailor Sun. "Well for one thing at least I'm not trying to murder anybody!" the mysterious voice laughed?

Sonia: Why are you asking us if the voice laughed?

"I am Sailor Orbit! (Alexis) The third and final sailor scout of the Solar System.

Axl: Uh... you know that when this fic was shat out, the solar system had nine planets and a Sun, right? What's this Orbit bullshit?
Sonia: It's gum.
Axl: Thanks for the Rory answer, Sonia.
Sonia: Seriously, don't ask, Axl. It's... a mess.

You and Sailor Star are my sisters we are known as the Sailor Solar Trio. We were sent here to protect Sensara and her kingdom from all evil that may come this way, so if I were you apologize!" exclaimed Sailor Orbit.

"Sorry we didn't realize, your Majesty, that it was you Princess Sensara." Said the two girls.

Axl: Wait, what?!
Miyu: Ugh... *whines* I don't wanna riff any more...
Benimaru: *bored* Wow. What a plot twist.

"Well you can make up for it by helping me with my battle this afternoon." Said Sensara. "Sure anything but first we need Darien, Mercury and her powers." Replied Sailor Star. "Fine you may have them, you will find that Mercury is in the dungeon and Darien's over there of course… wait where did he go!" yelled Sensara. "We must find him!" shouted Sailor Orbit. "No time! It's time for the battle!" answered Sensara. "Alright lets go then." Said Sailor Orbit.

Sonia: What is even happening?
Miyu: *shoves the notepad into Sonia's hands* You take notes for now. My brain hurts.
Sonia: Uh... Benimaru?
Benimaru: Hm?
Sonia: Do you have the foggiest idea on what the hell is happening here?
Benimaru: I think I'm understanding it now. Let's see, we have the Forbidden Sailor Trio of Sailors Galaxy, Planet, and Universe. Universe is a self-insert Sue. We also have the Solar System trio of Sailors Sun, Star, and Orbit, who are minions of... how do you say that? Princess what?
Axl: Princess Senzu Bean.
Benimaru: Ha! Anyway, the plot for this fic is supposed to involve a battle to regain Sailor Mercury's powers and stop the random princess from randomly marrying Darien and ruining the future timeline.
Axl: *stretches* Never mind the fact that it was already ruined when Sailor Sueniverse stole Serena's role of defeating the Doom Phantom.
Sonia: Thank you. Let's continue.

The Forbidden Trio was already out on the battlefield waiting for Sensara. "Wait who are they?" asked Sailor Universe "And who are you?" asked Sailor Star. "I am Sailor Universe, that's all you need to know right now, anyway!

Axl: Thanks, Sailor Anal Fissure.
Miyu: *tries not to laugh* Axl!

And these are Sailor Galaxy and Sailor Planet. We are the Forbidden Sailor Trio!" exclaimed Universe. "Well I am Sailor Orbit, I am Sailor Star, and I am Sailor Sun. We are known as the Sailor Solar Trio, the Sailor Scouts of the Solar System!" exclaimed the three mystery guests.

Miyu: *as she takes the notepad from Sonia* They're not mystery guests if we already know who they are.

"In case you are wondering these are my toughest warriors Galaxy!" snapped Sensara.

Sonia: They're your "toughest warriors Galaxy"? I have no idea what that is. Use some damn punctuation.

"Alright girls lets get ready to fight." Said Sensara. "Wait what do you mean lets, you are the one battling!" exclaimed Galaxy. "You never said I couldn't have help," said Sensara. "Then fine Planet and I will help Universe." Said Galaxy. "No that's okay, you know I can take them all out at once." Said Universe.

Axl: *with a megaphone* Who the hell cares?! Get on with it, you time wasters!
Benimaru: They have all the time to waste, Axl. Meanwhile, our own minds are wasting away by reading this drivel.
Miyu: Uh, I thought that the battle was going to take place in a few days. Why are they fighting now?
Sonia: They never knew what logic was. Do you honestly think that these morons have any semblance of time?

"No that's impossible only the Immortal goddess Taracovia could do that!" shouted Sailor Star.

Sonia: Only the self-insert Mary Sue does it best!

"Wow you really don't know me at all do you? Because if you knew who I was then you would know that the Immortal goddess is looking strait at you!" exclaimed Sailor Universe.

Miyu: I'm going to take a page from Sonia's book. *adjusts glasses* You need to head straight to Grammar School, you insignificant cretin.
Benimaru: She's a part of the Forbidden Sailor Trio, and she's complaining that everyone doesn't recognize her immediately. Why are we supposed to like this idiot?
Sonia: Because she's a Sue. Everyone's supposed to know her name.
Axl: I'll remember her name right after I shove a couch made of ice up her self-centered ass.

"No you couldn't be, everyone knows that she is just a myth." Answered Sailor Star. "Well I guess she will have to prove herself to you." Said Planet.

Axl: Wait, she's so wonderful that she's an alleged myth? Yeah, this Sue broke the damn Sue meter and then some.

"Ok then try this on for size, Orbit Ice crystals Shimmer!" shouted Sailor Orbit. All of a sudden the Ice crystals had formed a barrier around Universe, but Universe wasn't who she seemed to be.

Benimaru: She wasn't a well-written character? Color me shocked.

"Universe give me strength! Universe Immortal Staff, ok, I call upon the Power of the Immortal goddess Kida once again turn me into my true form!" screamed Universe. Then there stood the

Sonia: ...serial killer that managed to cut her in half with a chainsaw.

Immortal goddess Taracovia.

Sonia: Damn it.

"Immortal Fireballs Surround!" yelled Taracovia. The barrier of Ice then melted away. "She does exist, Sensara you never mentioned an undefeatable opponent!" exclaimed Sailor Sun.

Miyu: What's the point of a fight scene if nobody struggles? Wait, someone asked that question before.
Benimaru: Athena did.
Miyu: I see. Alright, then... what's the point of a fight scene if there's an undefeatable person? It's boring, one-sided...
Axl: And it'll make Akiko boo her lungs out.
Miyu: That, too. The point I'm trying to make is that it's a waste of time. No audience wants to see a boring Mary Sue or Gary Stu push everyone else to the side so they can steal the spotlight with their overpowered abilities. I know that I'm going to repeat myself with this line, but... this isn't a "Sailor Moon" fic. She's being shoved to the side for a Sailor Sue who is even stronger than she is. It's now "The Universe Show".
Sonia: I know that I'm going to repeat myself, too. This idiotic "show" needs to be cancelled right now.

"Oh, Orbit, try this on for size! Universe Immortal Deadly Rage!" A huge dark cloud engulfed Sailor Orbit and left her with nothing but an ounce of energy, thus she fell to the ground. "No Orbit, Come on girls get in there and give it all you got!" Cried Sensara.

Benimaru: Could you be any more wooden?

"Starry chains encircle!" screamed Sailor Star.

Miyu: *sarcastically* That was not lazily stolen from Sailor Venus, no, no.

Chains of stars hit Universe, but with the wave of her hand she had shielded herself before they reached her. "I don't understand why you just don't give up. Universe Immortal Ice Blast!" replied The Immortal goddess Taracovia.

Sonia: Christ, she's as likable as a foot fungus.
Axl: Hey, what happened to the original Scouts? I don't care about these boring knockoffs.
Miyu: Here's the thing, Axl; there can be a part of the universe with original Scouts. The creator of this series said that there are lots of Scouts, if I remember correctly. The problem is that these bland characters are ten times more broken than the canon ones, and we already know that the strongest one is supposed to be Sailor Moon.
Axl: That's not what these crappy fics say. The strongest one was Benji because he has a penis. The strongest one is Sailor Universe because she says so.
Benimaru: The strongest one was Sakura Selenity whatever because she's stronger than Eternal Sailor Moon. All of these terrible characters are stronger than Sailor Moon, and that's the problem.
Sonia: Not only that, they're all incredibly unlikable.

A huge blast of Ice hit Sailor Star with a mighty force. "Ahh, … … help me …" screamed Sailor Star.

Benimaru: That's not screaming.

"I surrender!" screamed Sailor Sun.

Benimaru: That is screaming.

"You do, but I don't." said Princess Sensara. Sailor Sun then ran off. "Sensarian human Rebirth!" shouted Sensara. "Oh no, watch out Taracovia! Earth Elemental shield!" Screamed Sailor Planet. Just then a huge green barrier shielded Taracovia from the Rebirth spell. "I told you that I didn't need any help!

Axl: No wonder my sister hates you.
Miyu: Again, this is a series about love, friendship, and teamwork, not vengeance, selfishness, and brattiness. Benji Himura did not leave here unscathed, and neither will you. *as she pushes her glasses up* Bring it on, Sailor Salmonella.

Universe Immortal Staff! I call upon the powers of the Universe please give me the power to trap Sensara in her own crystal for all of eternity until I die! Universe Deadly rage sacrifice!" Screamed the Immortal goddess Taracovia.

Sonia: Did you remember that she's the Immortal Goddess Taracovia yet?
Axl: This stupid fic won't shut the hell up about it. How are we supposed to forget?

A huge dark cloud engulfed Taracovia, thus she fell to the ground. Just then Sensara's crystal was glowing. Sensara's crystal then floated into the sky. "What's going on!" shouted Sensara. "You are getting what you asked for!" said Galaxy.

Sonia: Did she ask for the fic to end?

But instead of what Taracovia pleaded, Sensara's crystal just shattered. Once again a mysterious voice said, "You have not fulfilled your destiny! Rise Universe and stand once again next to Galaxy in your rightful place!"

Miyu: *as the voice* In Hell!

Then the voice was gone as Sailor Universe rose as strong as ever. "No my crystal!" screamed Sensara. "No! Why is she still here! Why didn't my powers work!" cried Universe.

Sonia: We're supposed to be concerned?
Benimaru: Yes.
Sonia: I don't care about that damn Sue.
Benimaru: Then someone's doing it wrong.

With the wave of her hand Universe disappeared. "Oh no, this is serious. Planet lets go we have work to do we must go and find Taracova." Said Galaxy. Galaxy and Planet then disappeared.

Benimaru: Uh, what about... the battle...?
Axl: Who cares, Sailor Sueniverse is more important!
Sonia: I'm not in the mood to deal with a flimsy plot that halts for a ridiculous Sue.
Miyu: You're a riffing veteran, Sonia. You should always know that flimsy plots always halt for ridiculous Sues.
Sonia: *sighs* Fantastic.

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Continue to Part Two
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