Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 13: Sailor Moon Protecting the Future (Part Two)

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"Well, well the poor Princess has fallen and can't get up.

Axl: Keep that dumb crap in those Life Alert commercials, you cheese ball.

You know Sensara I can restore your crystal!" said a mysterious voice. "Who's there, and I'd do anything to regain my crystal." Pleaded Sensara. "Well some people call me Sailor Crescent, but you can call me Emma.

Sonia: Great. Another knockoff.
Miyu: All hail the mysterious Emma!

Now you said that you would do anything, even give up your throne to me.

Benimaru: Uh, she didn't specifically say that...

If you do, I will give you a great power, I will transform you into any Sailor Scout of your choice. But then there are the consequences." Replied Sailor Crescent. "Yes I would even give you my throne to have my crystal back, but if you grant me any power I choose, you said there was consequences?" asked Sensara.

Sonia: Yes, now stop padding this garbage out.

"Yes, if I grant you the power of any Sailor Scout then you must work for me and do anything I tell you to do." Replied Sailor Crescent. "Yes, Please I'll do anything to have my crystal." Pleaded Sensara once again. "But, first you must choose a Sailor Scout." commanded Sailor Crescent. "I choose Sailor Black Hole." Replied Sensara.

Axl: *falls out of his seat while laughing*
Benimaru: I... um... *waves his hands around in confusion*
Sonia: What an incredibly unimpressive name. And this fic is full of incredibly unimpressive names.
Miyu: She didn't want the powers of the strongest one, Sailor Moon? She didn't want the powers of Sailor Sueniverse? She wanted the powers of a Scout that we have just learned about... and we don't know her abilities?
Benimaru: What... is happening?
Sonia: Another random plot point. By the way, I'm a little curious. Let's scan the remaining fics for this Sailor Black Hole.
Axl: Uh-huh. Gotta thank Tails for making this, too. *taps the scanner* Hm. Yeah, there's no mention of Sailor Black Hole.
Benimaru: *facepalms*
Miyu: *shakes her head* I have no words.

"Very Well in a month I will grant you that power. Here is your crystal, Crescent rejuvenation!" Shouted Sailor Crescent. A dark portal opened in the sky, and Sensara's crystal appeared. The portal then disappeared. "Your first Mission: Marry Darien and give birth to a child. This child will become my daughter! Understand?" asked Sailor Crescent.

Axl: *as he gets back into his seat* So you're just gonna randomly use her as a surrogate? What is happening here?!

"Yes of course, your majesty!" exclaimed Sensara. "I shall return in a month!" shouted Sailor Crescent; she then disappeared.

All: *confused* You're going to be pregnant for a month?
Miyu: I cannot wait to see Jessie's reactions to this. *begins writing*

Sensara then returned to her castle and saw that Mercury and her powers have been taken like Universe said, so she had wondered what really happened to Darien, where is he? It was getting late and Sensara had decided to return to her room and think about what Sailor Crescent said.

Benimaru: Oh. Now you want to think.

When Sensara entered her room she found Darien lying across the bed.

Axl: He was naked and covered in rose petals.
Miyu: That's... actually not a terrible thought.

"I thought you would of left because I lost the battle, and so I can't marry you." Said Sensara. "Of course you can we were meant for each other, I love you with all my heart, let me see your hand." Commanded Darien. So then Sensara walked over to her bed, and Darien stood up and took a small pink box out of his pocket. "Sensara, will you marry me?" asked Darien as he opened the box and took out the 100-caret diamond ring.

Axl: A hundred carets? How'd you manage to put a hundred of those little inverted V shaped things on her finger?

"Of course I will marry you!" said Sensara. So then Darien had slipped the ring onto Sensara's finger and kissed her hand.

Sonia: Ah, a match made in Hell.

Galaxy and Planet had just arrived back at Queen Galaxy's castle, where they had found a note from Universe. It said:

Dear Galaxy&Planet,

Don't bother searching for me; I am on my way to the Immortal realm to seek advice from the great one Kida. In my place I am sending my daughter, she will arrive in a couple of days. Until then don't let Sensara marry Darien, or else Renee, the future Sailor Scout of Destiny will be no more, and well… my daughter as well.

Taracova

Axl: Sueniverse has a Sue spawn? Ain't that just grand!

"Well first of all, who knew she had a daughter?" asked Jennifer. "I thought you knew!" exclaimed Rosalina. "Knew what?" asked Jennifer.

Benimaru: Considering that Sueniverse hides everything from her allies, I'm not surprised that Jennifer doesn't know.

"Here sit, and I will tell you the story:

As you know you're the up grade, of Sailor Jupiter, and I am the up grade of Sailor Mars.

Sonia: No, you're the usurpers of Jupiter and Mars.
Miyu: That doesn't make any sense. There's no such thing as a replacement Scout.
Axl: And why are we going into italics for this?
Sonia: It's supposed to make it all "mysterious".

Now I know this is going to be hard to believe but Taracova is the only upgraded version of Sailor Moon. Yes this means that Darien and Taracova in the future are somewhat bonded and thus spiritually Taracova bears a daughter.

Axl: You're telling me that Darien and that Sue are gonna have spirit sex and make a spawn?
Sonia: *with a blank face* Spirit... sex?
Benimaru: Why am I not surprised that Sailor Sueniverse is a better Sailor Moon?
Miyu: Then that's wrong. Sailor Moon is supposed to be kind and caring, not a haughty braggart. Also, that means that Super Sailor Moon and Eternal Sailor Moon will not exist. To take another page from Sonia's book... *adjusts glasses* I refuse to accept this verbal vomit.

So then Taracova's daughter is the only upgraded version of Sailor Mini Moon. So yes this means Taracova's daughter is… well…Sailor Destiny! Taracova's daughters name is Caranovia!

Axl: Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I also wanna know why Senzu Bean marrying Darien is a bad thing when this is supposed to be a good thing.
Benimaru: Easy answer, Axl; it's because Universe is a Sue and can get away with it.
Axl: How 'bout a more detailed answer?
Sonia: You're not going to get one in this dribble. You might as well accept Benimaru's answer.

Now we must get back to Sensara's castle and stop that wedding!" exclaimed Rosalina. "Well we better transform first," said Jennifer. "Galaxy Planet Power!" exclaimed Jennifer. Jennifer then transformed into her true form Sailor Planet. "Well let me see, I better not go as Sailor Galaxy while Taracova is away, Galaxy Golden Power!" exclaimed Rosalina. Rosalina then transformed into her ultimate form Queen Galaxy.

Back at Sensara's palace, Sensara and Darien were just about to walk down the isle when they herd the trumpets sound.

Miyu: We're in the Hoenn region now?
Sonia: I have never seen so many usage errors in a single sentence before. Let's rewrite it.
Benimaru: Sure. They walked down the Isle of Nonsense once they heard a herd of elephants play their trumpets.

Sensara looked very confused because she thought everyone was here. "What is it dear?" asked Darien. "I thought everyone was here!" exclaimed Sensara.

Axl: *with a dunce cap on his head* I think we got that.

But just before the doors opened they herd a large blast on the other side of the room.

Miyu: The trumpets are here! Cassidy, play that trumpet!
Cassy: *as she walks by* I'm not playing for those fools, dude!

When the smoke cleared they saw a mysterious short girl in a pink uniform that resembled the immortal goddess Taracova, but then again she resembled Darien.

Sonia: *frowns* Resemble my reaction.
Miyu: *as her eyes narrow* What... is... this... nonsense?
Axl: Ooh, the Sue spawn appears!
Benimaru: *flatly* Yay.

"Destiny Earthquake!" shouted the mysterious girl.

Benimaru: She's not mysterious if we already know who she is. This story's very terrible when it comes to describing "mysterious" things.

A strike of an earthquake had stricken the alter, and thus it was destroyed, at the same time the doors had opened and Queen Galaxy and Planet were here. "Queen Galaxy I am very honored that you came to our wedding, but you must stop that intruder. She is ruining my wedding. Please help me!" Screamed Sensara.

Miyu: Uh, last time I checked, Galaxy was your enemy.
Sonia: Miyu, they're dumb.
Miyu: That's been established.

Galaxy paid no mind to Sensara and went over to Darien. "Galaxy…" Sensara started. But with the wave of Queen Rosalina lifted hand and Sensara could no longer speak, because in Galaxy's ultimate form she is stronger then anyone. Her power was just as equal as Universe's true form.

Axl: *falls flat on the floor*
Benimaru: *facepalms*
Sonia: Is it possible to label an entire series an Epic Failure?
Miyu: For this? Yes. If it gets progressively worse, it will happen. Besides, what were the reactions of the first group?
Sonia: *looks at Mai's notes* Sonic had a "meh" reaction, Kyo LeMaire hated it, Kyo Kusanagi was exasperated, and Mai was a bit agitated. *looks up* Trust me, it's going to hit an Epic Failure if this crap keeps up.

"Rosalina, it's been a long time. My mother had to send me out early.

Axl: From what, the womb?

She said something went terribly wrong but, didn't tell me exactly what it was." Exclaimed the intruder.

Benimaru: *exasperated* We know who she is!

"Oh, Sensara I would like for you to meet Taracova's daughter Caranovia. She is also known as Sailor Destiny! Oh and by the way if you're wondering how Taracova had a daughter without a husband, because Taracova is the upgrade of Sailor Moon. And in the future Sailor Moon and Darien will get married and so thus Taracova is spiritually bonded to Darien thus she bore a daughter, now for more important matters." Said Queen Galaxy.

Sonia: *begins to foam at the mouth*
Miyu: This fic... just... told us the backstory, pretended that we had flipping amnesia, then told us again. What in the blue heavens is this nonsense?
Benimaru: It's bad padding.
Axl: *as he buries his face in the carpet* I wanna die now.

Queen Galaxy walks over to Darien and says as she lifts her staff, "Darien its time to sleep! Galaxy Time Protection!" A pink cloud engulfed Darien. "Galaxy eternal sleep!" shouted Queen Rosalina. Within a blink of an eye Darien fell a sleep. Sensara fell to her knees and wept silently.

Axl: *muffled* NyQuil works faster.

"I'm sorry Sensara but I must do this. In the name of my mother Taracova I will punish you for trying to rewrite the future!

Sonia: Oh, the bleeding irony.
Axl: Only Mary Sues can ruin the main timeline!

I call upon the power of the Immortal goddess Taracovia turn me into my Ultimate form! Destiny Immortal Power!" exclaimed Sailor Destiny. All of a sudden Destiny floated in the air and transformed into an Immortal goddess with a glowing pink light around her whole body. She was dressed in a silk pink shimmering gown. Her pink hair was pointed toward the ceiling and it stayed that way, and on her forehead was a different Universian symbol, it was the Universian symbol of the future ( ). "I am the daughter of the Immortal goddess Taracovia. I am the Immortal goddess Caranovia!"

Benimaru: And I'm the bored riffer, Benimarucovianovia. I didn't want to see this nonsense.
Sonia: Pfft.

"But how could this still be Darien and I will have a child, but I'm afraid it wouldn't be mine for long. You see…" started Sensara.

Miyu: I don't want to see. None of us want to see. Stop this circus.

"Well, well, well. You didn't complete your mission Sensara. Oh well at least I will still get my child." Yelled a mysterious voice. "No! Please Sailor Crescent, please let me keep the child as my own she's all I got!" pleaded Sensara. "NO! We had a deal remember if I restored your crystal you and Darien would get married and bare me a daughter!" screamed Sailor Crescent.

Axl: Well, she will be bare when she comes out of the womb, right?

"Quick Planet teleport Darien back to my kingdom!" yelled Queen Galaxy. "Yes your Majesty, Planet Galaxy Teleportation!" Screamed Planet. "No! Crescent Fury bound!" screamed Sailor Crescent. Caranovia ran in front of the power that crescent let forth and said, "Destiny Immortal shield!" Destiny had shielded where Planet and Darien were in the mist of Teleportation.

Sonia: What just happened?
Benimaru: The Sue spawn stopped the bonding.
Miyu: Sailor Plot Convenience.

When Planet and Darien were gone Destiny broke her shield. "Who are you? What are you? There isn't even a scratch on you!" exclaimed Crescent. "I am the Daughter of the Immortal goddess Taracovia, I am The Immortal Goddess Caranovia!" replied Caranovia.

Axl: ...didn't you just say that a minute ago? *sighs* Jesus fuckin' Christmas, everyone's got memory problems in this trash.

"Well still a deal is a deal." Yelled Crescent. Crescent ran toward Sensara and said, "Crescent deadly stake!" Crescent had driven a stake through Sensara's mind. Crescent then disappeared. "Oh no Sensara!" yelled Caranovia.

Sonia: Oh, now you care.

"Queen Galaxy I have no choice!" screamed Caranovia. "I must remove the child inside of her or else it will die!" Galaxy ran over to where Caranovia and Sensara were.

Benimaru: *confused* Pardon me, are they planning to do an emergency C-section?
Miyu: ...she was pregnant? When was this?! We were never told that Sensara was pregnant!

"Well where do you plan on putting it?" asked Galaxy. Caranovia took her hand that was glowing with a pink shimmering light and placed it on Sensara's stomach, and took her other hand that was also glowing and placed it on Galaxy's Stomach. "HERE!" exclaimed Caranovia.

Benimaru: How... what? *facepalms, sighs* I give up.
Axl: What in the name of Kwyjibo is this hot garbage? *gets up, pauses the fic* Yeah. One minute. *leaves*
Miyu: Axl, you know that you can't switch.
Axl: I know. Hang on.
Sonia: *sets up the shot glasses*
Benimaru: Let me guess. Bleepka?
Axl: *returns with two bottles* Yes. *sits down and resumes the fic*

Once the transfer was completed Caranovia flew backward and hit the wall. "Ahhhh…" screamed Caranovia.

Miyu: That... isn't screaming.

Sensara's body floated in the air and disappeared, for Galaxy had sent it to the Immortal realm so they could trace the power of the stake back to crescent.

Axl: We're gonna do an autopsy later? I'm not lookin' forward to that.

"Oh no Caranovia!" Galaxy ran toward Caranovia and quickly knelt down to see what was wrong with her. (Caranovia had powered back down to destiny.)

Sonia: The parenthesis aren't needed if Caravan powered down to Destiny.
Axl: "Caravan"? Ha!

"… … The power… was just… too strong. I wasn't… ready for that… kind of power. Rosalina please take care of Princess Sensarity… … Goodbye for now…" whispered Destiny. "Please Galaxy, I'll take her from here." Said a familiar voice. "Taracova! Your back!" cried Galaxy.

Benimaru: *sighs* Great. It's Terraforma.
Miyu: *snickers*

"Tell me did she transform into her Ultimate form?" asked Taracova. "Yes she did, but it was to save us all." Replied Galaxy. Taracova knelt down next to her daughter. "The power was too strong for her! Why didn't you stop her?" asked Taracova angrily

Sonia: Why didn't you?! Not only did you willingly send her to go in your place, you knew that she was going to do it! You probably didn't even tell her that it was too strong for her!
Miyu: Second rule of Suedom Law: It's never a Mary Sue's fault.

"I'm no match against your daughter and you know that!" yelled Galaxy.

Sonia: Even the Sue spawn is stronger? Absolutely ridiculous.

"Fine I understand. I call upon the power of Universe give me your power! Universe Galaxy Star Power!" Taracova then transformed into Sailor Universe. While Taracova had transformed, life had come to Sailor Destiny. "Caranovia your alright, I knew I shouldn't of sent you!" exclaimed Taracova.

Axl: This so-called protagonist is a blatant dumbass. Why am I not surprised?
Benimaru: *as he reads Mai's notes* Well, we were warned on that front.

"Mom please, I'm fine. Right now we must find Sailor Crescent!" exclaimed Caranovia. "Your right, Universe Line Of Sight." Said Sailor Universe. "I see where she is, it looks like she's on earth!" cried Universe.

Sonia: Where the hell else would she be?!

"Well she might be there looking for Renee or the Golden Key. Or maybe even both!" exclaimed Galaxy.

Axl: I could've sworn that a telescope could've done the same damn thing.
Miyu: But telescopes are for useless human peons, Axl. She needs the eyes of Miss Kirishima to do that.
Sonia: I'd rather deal with Jayleen than that horrible Sue.

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