Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 13: Sailor Moon Protecting the Future (Part Three)

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After they had found out where she is, Taracova and Caranovia went to Earth to get the help of the original five Sailor Scouts to find out exactly where on Earth she (Sailor Crescent) might be and Galaxy went back to the Golden City of Galaxy to make sure that Darien arrived safely.

Sonia: And I (Sonia) am getting annoyed at this piss-poor narration.
Miyu: *bored* Sailor Crescent is in Japan. Duh.

"Mother do you know where exactly Rosalina sent Sensara's body?" asked Caranovia. "Yes, I do. But that is none of your concern, for you are still in training. That is why I must ask you to return to the Immortal realm." Commanded Taracova. "But, mother I wanted to help track down Sailor Crescent!" Exclaimed Caranovia. "I said No! Listen you haven't learned about your weakness yet. Believe me I was almost killed by our weakness.

All: What weakness?
Benimaru: Ah. Being humble is apparently a weakness in Bad Character Land.
Axl: Irony is a bit lost on you, huh?
Benimaru: That Mary Sue doesn't have the skills to back up her bragging. However, I do. How many KOF tournaments do I have under my belt again?
Axl: I know that it's enough to shut her up. Let's continue with this crap.

And besides your time to partake in this world has not come, you will know when it is time, you can feel it in your heart." Said Taracova.

Miyu: *as the Sue* Or when my author says so.
Benimaru: Didn't she send her Sue daughter to take her place earlier? Why is she saying that it's not her time yet?
Sonia: She hogs the spotlight so much that she'll even take it away from her daughter. Sounds pretty narcissistic.

"Ok mom, but only because I haven't learned about our weakness. Destiny Immortal Teleportation!" shouted Caranovia. Caranovia then teleported to the Immortal Realm of Universe.

Taracova found her self-walking along the road surrounded my humans. She quickly found an ally and hid.

Axl: You hid behind an ally? I thought you didn't need any help.
Miyu: It's an alley, Axl... wait. *rubs her forehead* Sabrina couldn't spell "alley", either.

"Now to find Serena and the others. Universe Galaxy Star Power!" Shouted Taracova. Taracova then transformed into Sailor Universe. "Universe give me your strength. Universe Line Of Sight!" exclaimed Sailor Universe. "Ah, I see they are at rays temple. Perfect young Renee's there." Said Universe. (Universe then powered down to Taracova.)

Benimaru: You needed to transform to get out a telescope? You could've just bugged NASA or something.

So then Taracova made her way to rays temple. As she was walking up the stairs she could here the Sailor Scouts having their meeting. She then jumped up into the trees and sat on a thick branch so that she could overhear their conversation, Taracova could tell that they had just started.

Axl: My sister's a better ninja.
Sonia: Hey, Sue. Number one, that's invasion of privacy. Number two, you should be smacked for that.
Axl: It's only okay if you're a Sue.
Benimaru: Why do Sailor Sues always have to eavesdrop on their temple conversations? Is this a trend?
Miyu: Probably. Did this happen in the Sailor Star fic that you riffed?
Benimaru: Yes, it did.

"So Serena how has Renee been since you know, she can't remember what happened?" asked Amy. "Well she s been acting a little different lately. But I'm glad because she didn't miss any school since it was the summer she was gone. But most of all Amy I'm glad to have you back." Said Serena. "Thanks." Replied Amy.

Sonia: Remember when she returned offscreen?
Miyu: *sighs* This fic is terrible when it comes to screen time.
Benimaru: To us, it is. To the Suethors, it isn't.

"So Amy you said that there were two new Sailor Scouts, who are they?" Asked Ray.

Axl: They're jerks! And they get overshadowed by a head jerk!

"I'm not sure really… wait there's someone here!" exclaimed Amy.

Sonia: Oh, now someone notices.

"But I don't see any one." Said Leta. "Well just in case meetings over." Said Nina. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that girls. Because our meeting has just begun!" exclaimed Taracova as she jumped down from the tree branch.

All: *groans*
Axl: Can you please eat shit and die?

"Who are you?" asked Amy. "Well, you could just say that I'm the strongest warrior you'll ever know!

Miyu: *removes her glasses, pinches her nose in frustration*
Sonia: *gets the mop and bucket* This is truly a wankfest.

My name is Taracova.

Benimaru: We know. We also don't care.

I was sent here by the one I protect to track down the one called Sailor Crescent, for she has killed Princess Sensara." Said Taracova

Axl: I thought you didn't care about Senzu Bean. Now you care? What is going on here?
Miyu: Wait, Sensara died?
Sonia: I... ugh. *facepalms* I guess we didn't need any details.

"Who do you protect?" asked Serena "I protect, the Queen of all the Galaxy. She is of no importance to you." Replied Taracova.

Sonia: Asshole.
Benimaru: *sarcastically* Our protagonist. Praise her.

"If your so interested in this Sailor Crescent then just who are you?" asked Amy "Well lets just say I'm one of you.

Miyu: *laughs maniacally, suddenly stops, puts her glasses back on* Stop your foolishness this instant.

Meaning I know who you are, I have for centuries!" exclaimed Taracova.

Benimaru: ...I don't like you at all.

Taracova then points to each of them and says, "Sailor Moon, Sailor Mini Moon, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Venus."

Sonia: *reads Mai's notes* I thought that the Sue wasn't supposed to show herself to Rini until she turned sixteen. What happened?
Miyu: We've already come to the conclusion that this Mary Sue has rocks for brains, Sonia.
Axl: Rocks have more staying power than that dumb Sue.
Benimaru: No, they just didn't care. Plot points are all over the place. Details are missing or randomly smacked into our faces. It's just a vehicle for the Sue to brag about how great she is.
Sonia: And this vehicle is going to explode like a Pinto.

"Are you a Sailor Scout too?" asked Leta. Well I am known as many things but to you I am…" Taracova started to say but then stopped.

Axl: Thank you, Jesus. We didn't want to hear her rambling bullshit again.

"I sense something strange, she's here, but where. Just in case Amy take Renee inside you too Serena no one must find her or the golden key!" exclaimed Taracova. Taracova then put her fingers to her forehead and summoned Jennifer (Sailor Planet).

Sonia: We know who Jennifer is. Stop holding our hands.
Benimaru: We're going to be led off of a cliff if this keeps up.
Sonia: And Manic's going to be shoved off of that damn cliff later.

Amy and Serena had done what Taracova had asked, just then Jennifer appeared. Taracova looked Jennifer in the eyes and said "Shena herino (Shena herino means "She's here" in the Universian Language)!"

Benimaru: That was so awkwardly inserted, I don't even know where to begin.

"Right, Planet Galaxy Power!" shoutedJennifer. Jennifer had then transformed into Sailor Planet, right in front of Nina, Leta, and Ray's faces. "Planet give me your power! I call upon the powers of all the earth elementals I curse this temple! Any one with an evil heart will instantly die if they enter the temple! Planet Elemental Curse!" screamed Sailor Planet.

Miyu: Um... what?

"Who are you?" asked Ray. "I am Sailor Planet I control all Earth Elementals I am also one of the toughest warriors of the Galaxy." Answered Planet.

Axl: Should've breathed during that run-on sentence.

Everyone's attention was then drawn to a young woman standing in the gateway to the temple. "Its her! Planet, keep her busy we'll be back. Follow me girls." Commanded Taracova. Taracova led Nina, Leta, and Ray into the temple where Amy, Renee and Serena were. "Now we must transform," said Taracova.

Sonia: They already know how to transform, you damn cockroach!
Benimaru: That's probably the nicest insult that she'll ever get.

"Mars Star Power!" shouted Ray. Ray then transformed into Sailor Mars. "Venus Star Power!" Shouted Nina. Nina then transformed into Sailor Venus. "Jupiter Star Power!" Shouted Leta. Leta then transformed into Sailor Jupiter. "Now for me, Universe Galaxy Star Power!" shouted Taracova. "I am Sailor Universe, the ultimate warrior of the galaxy!" said Sailor Universe.

All: *annoyed* Shut up!
Axl: Now you know that it's all about her. The dub names are misspelled to hell. She overshadows them with another wankfest. It's classic crap.
Miyu: *sighs as she mops up a wank puddle* Uh-huh.

"Should I come too?" asked Amy. "No stay here and protect Renee and Serena! Lets go girls!" answered Universe.

Benimaru: Allies? What allies?

As soon as they got out side they saw that planet was trembling.

Miyu: Wait, are we talking about the planet or Sailor Planet? Capitalization is key here.

"Planet!" exclaimed Sailor Universe. "Oh were just warming up!" exclaimed Sailor Crescent. "Why are you here?" asked Sailor Universe.

Axl: It's Earth. Why wouldn't she be here?

"Well, quite frankly I think that that is none of your business! Crescent deadly stake!" shouted Sailor Crescent. Sailor Crescent ran toward Planet with a stake of power ready to kill planet. "No! Watch out Planet." Screamed Universe.

Benimaru: That's not... never mind. I give up.

In a flash Universe had ran toward planet and pushed her out of the way and took the stake into herself. "Ahhhh…" screamed Universe as she fell to the ground.

Miyu: And my sympathy level is at zero. Someone has written incorrectly.
Sonia: This is supposed to show that she cares about her allies, right? I'm not buying it. She probably did it to make herself look better than everyone else again.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" exclaimed Sailor Crescent as she jumped up into the trees.

Axl: Ah, so she turned into Spider-Man.

"Oh no, you don't. Venus Love Chain Encircle!" shouted Sailor Venus. "I missed its to late, any how is she alright planet?" asked Sailor Venus. "Yes she is fine, just watch and you will see.

Sonia: What, is the Sue going to heal herself?

After that battle I think you should know the truth about Universe and… well Renee too." Said Sailor Planet.

Benimaru: *annoyed* We already know this! We don't need to hear it again!

Universe stood up and said, "I call upon the power of the Immortality goddess Kida turn me into my true form Universe Immortal Power!" Then Universe rose toward the sky. There was a silver light surrounding her, "I am the Immortality goddess Taracovia!"

Miyu: I am going to crush her spine.
Benimaru: Yep, your boyfriend is definitely rubbing off on you.

Taracovia then pulled the stake from her stomach and crushed it in her hands. She then floated to the ground and with the wave of her hand she healed planet. Planet was then healed completely.

Sonia: I almost called it.
Miyu: At least you were right about the "looking better than everyone else" part.

"You said that we need to know the truth about Taracova and Renee, what do you mean?" Questioned Sailor Mars. "We will tell you the truth but this is not the place to discuss such matters. Planet, screen the earth and its orbit for any signs of Sailor Crescent's presence on this planet." Commanded Taracovia.

Axl: ...even though she and her Sue buddies told Serena their true identities in Diamond's castle... and showed off said identies to boot. *scratches his head* You've got a serious case of memory loss, Sueniverse.

"Planet Screen!" shouted Sailor Planet. "Lets see, yea. I sense her she's on a star. I don't know exactly where in orbit though." Said Sailor Planet. "We need to get a hold of Sailor Star. She knows all the stars.

Sonia: Including the ones in Hollywood?

She should be able to tell us where exactly she is." Said Taracovia. "Great idea!" Exclaimed Sailor Venus. Planet then took out her mini hand held laptop.

Miyu: *sarcastically* That was not lazily stolen from Sailor Mercury, no, no.

"It's searching, oh I found her she is in the Golden City. I will try to reach her. Taracovia she is not coming through, what should we do?" Questioned Planet with a confused expression. "We will have to go there in person to find her. Should we go as a team or individual?" Questioned Planet. "Well I think we should all go as a team, because there is a lot we need to talk about," answered Taracovia. Taracovia then powered back down to Sailor Universe.

Benimaru: You are going to use teamwork? What a riot!
Sonia: Yeah, Miss "I don't need any help" sure knows the meaning of that word. *rolls her eyes*

So they gathered up a few items, and then left for the Golden City.

Axl: They just got some trail mix, a couple of lamps, a few tents...

"Universe Galaxy Crystal Portal!" shouted Sailor Universe. A huge white portal with a golden light appeared out of nowhere. "Now, everyone no talking until we arrive at the golden city. If someone is to talk then the queen will fire bombs on us!" exclaimed Universe.

Benimaru: *confused* What?
Axl: She sounds like a grade school teacher who drank a bit too much. *as the Sue* Single file, no talking! Or the Queen will bomb you!
Miyu: Now she's just making nonsense up. Wouldn't it have been easier to use the Sailor Teleport instead?
Sonia: Oh. You mean to tell me that this dumb portal thing shouldn't have existed?
Miyu: Yes. Their powers are not only redundant, but they're either better or plain old time wasters. It's annoying.

So then they walked through the portal, With Universe carrying Renee in her arms and Serena along side of her,

Miyu: *as Serena* Can I have my daughter back?
Axl: *as the Sue* No!

Planet was walking along side Leta, Amy and Nina were walking along side of each other and followed by Ray.

Sonia: Nobody cares about that.

Soon they had arrived at a big golden gate. "Whom are you?" a voice called out. "It is I Sailor Planet returning with Sailor Universe, Renee, and the original five Sailor Scouts." Said Sailor Planet.

Axl: You know... the old and busted five Ford Pintos.

The big golden gate then opened and there stood Sailor Star to greet them. "Where is Queen Galaxy?" asked Sailor Universe. "I was going to ask you the same thing. All I found was this letter addressed to you." Answered Sailor Star. The letter states:

Dear Sailor Universe,

I have gone to Nakomia to help Caranovia out with a battle in a small village, not to worry I will return home soon.

Benimaru: So you just... randomly left. Okay.

If you need some help Sailor Sun, Sailor Star, and Sailor Orbit have joined our side, so they would be happy to help.

Miyu: Yes, remember when they had their Heel-Face Turn... offscreen?
Sonia: We have another problem. Half of the events in this fic take place offscreen. How is the reader supposed to believe anything? That just convinces them that it was pulled out of the Suethors' asses.
Axl: It just tells me that these Suethors are damn lazy writers. God forbid that we take the spotlight off of the self-insert for five damn minutes.

Good luck on finding Sailor Crescent!

Queen Rosalina

P.S Caranovia will be coming back with me.

Benimaru: *sarcastically* No, really? We thought that you were just going to leave her there.

"She has gone to Nakomia to help my daughter Caranovia,

All: We can read!

that is where Renee comes in, Serena do you remember when I gave you that Golden Key; I told you to give it to Renee on her sixteenth birthday?" asked Sailor Universe. "Yes, Why its right here." Said Serena as she handed it to Sailor Universe.

Axl: And then what?

To be continued in

Its sequel:

Sailor Moon and the Golden Key!

Axl: Wait, what?
Benimaru: That's how it ends? It ends on an awful cliffhanger? Gah, what a letdown.
Sonia: *sighs* Whatever. It's over now. *glances at the Bleepka* We haven't touched the stuff.
Miyu: *sets the shot glasses upside down* Well, at least we can leave them for the next group in case they need it.
Axl: Who's in the next group again?
Sonia: Manic, Jessie, Emi, and James.
Axl: Uh... get rid of the shot glasses. Jessie and James can down half a bottle in a minute or two.

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