Sissy Rambles About AEW Matches in 2022 (Part 4: May)

Sissy Analyzes Random Things: Sissy Rambles About AEW Matches in 2022 (Part 4: May)

It's just going to be bigger from here, isn't it? Dear, oh, dear.

Welcome to Part 4. Did you miss the ramblings from January and February? They're right here. Missed March? It's right here. April's ramblings are here.

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May

Match of the Month

Men: Well... for this month, it's a tie. (No, this isn't a consolation prize. Bias is still turned off for analyzing these matches.)

May 18 (Dynamite) - "Hangman" Adam Page vs. Konosuke Takeshita (Not an AEW World Championship Match)
(Have a fun fact: It's the cowboy's first non-title 1-on-1 match as champion. Also, I don't know why people thought that it was a title match. It wasn't. The graphics card was a giant giveaway that it wasn't one.)

We already know that the cowboy don't miss in his matches. But... let me put aside my fangirling of him to say this:

Konosuke Takeshita is so damn good. He's honestly super good. Hell, give him the TNT title or something, because he's that damn good.

This match was tough, hard-hitting, and an overall amazing sight.

I think we all knew that a mimicry of the GTS was coming. I will be unbiased. This gets a 7/10. Execution was good, but no crazy spot.

(To be fair, we don't talk about how Hanger mimics other people's moves from time to time. It's an occasional trait of his.)

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - Anarchy in the Arena - Jericho Appreciation Society vs. Eddie Kingston, Santana, Ortiz, and the Blackpool Combat Club (Jon Moxley and Bryan Danielson)

"Shit's about to hit the fan."

...seriously, Justin Roberts said that. He wasn't joking.

So... do you wanna see Eddie Kingston being covered in blood and holding a can of gasoline? Wanna see him trying to light Chris Jericho on fire?

...seriously, this is true. This is all true.

Yeah, Mox wasn't lying when he said Anarchy in the Arena. I have no words. This was a bloody mess. (Once again... that's a compliment.)

Women: Well... it's also a tie this month.

May 11 (Dynamite) - Toni Storm vs. Jamie Hayter (Owen Hart Cup Quarterfinal)

I know, some folks were a bit more interested in... something else entirely with these two.

I will say that it's simply a bonus. You wanted a women's match? Well, you got one here.

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - Thunder Rosa vs. Serena Deeb (AEW Women's World Championship Match)

This was easily the best women's match of that night. Everyone expected these two women to deliver, and they pretty much exceeded expectations.

Honorable Mentions - Men

May 3 (Dark) - Tony Nese vs. Leon Ruffin

Seriously, it makes my silly little heart happy that Tony Nese is finally getting a push. Even if this was a match on Dark, it's still a damn good one to take time out to watch.

May 3 (Dark) - Angelico vs. Yuya Uemura

Yeah, my boyfriend's right; Angelico is definitely underrated here. It's nice to see a match with him in it.

I guess the next step would be to give him a match on Dynamite... and not as a jobber? Please?

May 4 (Dynamite) - Wardlow vs. W. Morrissey

You like big dudes in the ring? Here, have big dudes in the ring.

Honestly, Wardlow has grown on me. I can see why the crowd likes him a lot.

May 4 (Dynamite) - Dante Martin vs. Rey Fenix (Owen Hart Cup Qualifying Match)

It was one of the matches that I was most excited about. Seriously, a young up-and-comer like Dante vs. a veteran in Fenix? And he can keep up with him?

Damn good shit.

May 6 (Rampage) - Konosuke Takeshita vs. Jay Lethal

Why? Because it's Konosuke Takeshita, that's why.

I'll admit, I hated the ending of the match... but seriously, Konosuke Takeshita is great.

May 11 (Dynamite) - CM Punk vs. John Silver

And then CM Punk won with a Buckshot Lariat.

I didn't make that up for shits and giggles. That's what actually happened.

Let's be honest; nobody is going to talk about the match itself (even though that was good). Everyone's going to talk about the ending and what happened afterwards.

Personally, I'll give that Buckshot mimicry a 7/10. Effort was good, just gotta work on that lariat a bit, Punk. Heh.

May 11 (Dynamite) - Ricky Starks vs. Jungle Boy (FTW Championship Match)

...and then the ending happened, and god-fucking-damn it.

Anyway, can we start a petition to just give Ricky Starks the TNT title like... yesterday?

May 11 (Dynamite) - Darby Allin vs. Jeff Hardy (Owen Hart Cup Quarterfinal; No Disqualifications)

Why was this even a thing, and how the hell did they manage to survive this damn car wreck?

This might be the only time where using "Why?" and "How?" and calling this whole thing a car wreck ends up being a positive.

May 13 (Rampage) - Death Triangle (Penta Oscuro, Rey Fenix, and PAC) vs. AFO (The Butcher, The Blade, and Marq Quen)

Why? Because Death Triangle, that's why.

...also, I'm putting myself on the "Give PAC a belt" train.

May 13 (Rampage) - Scorpio Sky vs. Frankie Kazarian (TNT Championship Match)

Well... you have two former teammates, and they happen to be the inaugural tag team champions. Therefore, they know everything that the other person is going to do. So, you're obviously treated to a remarkable display of skill combined with the competitors trying to out-think the other.

And then the ending happened, and god-fucking-damn it.

Well, if you don't count the ending, it was good for an honorable mention.

Seriously, Frankie Kazarian is very talented, but also very underrated.

May 17 (Dark) - Wheeler Yuta vs. Josh Woods (Part II... technically.) (ROH Pure Championship)
(Yes, they met before at the ROH Supercard of Honor back in April.)

Honestly, if matches like these keep happening on Dark, it might end up being appointment viewing. Honestly, I'll just keep watching the Dark matches to find those hidden gems.

May 18 (Dynamite) - Samoa Joe vs. Johnny Elite (Owen Hart Cup Quarterfinal)

Johnny Many Different Last Names has arrived!

To be fair, would anyone care about what last name you choose in a wrestling joint when you can move around in the ring like that? Yeah, I think I already like him.

May 18 (Dynamite) - Kyle O'Reilly vs. Rey Fenix (Owen Hart Cup Quarterfinal)

I don't know why I keep forgetting that Kyle O'Reilly is a damn good technical wrestler. I don't get it. People like the dude, and I still don't know why I'm missing out on all of this. The hell's wrong with me?

Honestly, it's a pretty neat match.

May 24 (Dark) - Lee Moriarty vs. Alan "5" Angels

Well, looks like it's time to just come out and say it.

5. Is. Underrated.

May 25 (Dynamite) - Jungle Boy vs. Swerve Strickland vs. Ricky Starks (Non-Title Triple Threat Match)

It's amazing that the smaller guy from each tag trio is in this match. Honestly, are you surprised that you got a show out of this?

You shouldn't be.

I'm officially on board with the "Give Ricky the TNT title" crowd now.

May 25 (Dynamite) - Samoa Joe vs. Kyle O'Reilly (Owen Hart Cup Semifinal)

Yeah, I'll admit it. Maybe I just want to see Samoa Joe nuke another dude in the ring.

May 27 (Rampage) - Matt Sydal vs. Bryan Danielson

Peace, Love, and Pro Wrestling vs. Pure Violence... and Pro Wrestling.

It was a lot better than I thought, that's for damn sure.

(But come on, did anyone really expect Danielson to lose here?)

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - MJF vs. Wardlow (If Wardlow won, he'd be free from MJF's contract and finally become "All Elite". If Wardlow lost, he could never sign with All Elite Wrestling. Ever.)

I guess MJF doesn't stand for "Maybe Just Flew... away".

Barring the drama that happened behind the scenes, what you got was a masterclass in comedy storytelling.

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - House of Black (Malakai Black, Brody King, and Buddy Matthews) vs. Death Triangle (Penta Oscuro, Rey Fenix, and PAC)

Yeah, the match was good, but let's be honest... everyone is going to talk about the ending instead.

Well, it finally happened. Julia's corruption is completed. Holy hot damn.

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - Jurassic Express (Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus) vs. Swerve in Our Glory (Keith Lee and Swerve Strickland) vs. Team Taz (AEW World Tag Team Championship Match)

I honestly did not expect the prehistoric duo to retain. I'm not mad at the result, though. Far from it.

All three teams had great chemistry. That belt could've gone to any of them.

Honorable Mentions - Women

May 3 (Dark) - Toni Storm vs. Diamanté

Is Diamanté a part of the main roster? I cannot remember for the life of me if she is.

Aside from my forgetfulness here, this was a damn good main event match for Dark. Seriously, if you have the free time, go ahead and watch this match.

May 4 (Dynamite) - Deonna Purrazzo vs. Mercedes Martinez (ROH Women's World Unification Title Match)

So, uh... we're not gonna get "The Virtuosa"? No? Damn.

Match was good, though. I don't know why the crowd was kinda dead during it. It's not like they hated it or anything. I don't know.

May 6 (Rampage) - Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. and Jamie Hayter vs. Ruby Soho and Toni Storm

Solid quick rivalry leads to a solid tag match. Not bad at all.

May 6 (Rampage) - Yuka Sakazaki vs. Riho (Owen Hart Cup Qualifying Match)

But joshi wrestling sucks, huh? Yeah, okay.

Some folks will honestly never understand why joshi wrestling is and continues to be popular.

May 13 (Rampage) - Riho vs. Ruby Soho (Owen Hart Cup Quarterfinal)

Riho has... well, I never hated her, but she wasn't a massive favorite of mine at first. She's really grown on me the last few years, and I can see why she's loved by a lot of folks, despite what certain people who hate joshi wrestling think.

May 18 (Dynamite) - Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. vs Maki Itoh

Well, people missed Maki, so they got her.

Honestly, as much as I do defend joshi wrestling... and I see why people like her, she's not really... one of my favorites, I guess. And that's ironic coming from me, because I like attire and gear that looks like hers. I don't know, maybe it's because I haven't seen enough of her, so that's on me.

Hell, I warmed up to Riho, I'll probably warm up to Maki soon enough.

May 20 (Rampage) - Kris Statlander vs. Red Velvet (Owen Hart Cup Quarterfinal Match)

Seriously, I have to ask this: Why the hell has Kris Statlander not won a belt yet? This woman's underrated as all hell in this division.

And I also have to ask this: Why the hell did Red Velvet suddenly turn heel with no fucking buildup? We got no supplemental material for why she and Kiera Hogan aligned with Jade.

I guess the division doesn't need stories or whatever, I guess. Jeez, someone improve this division, for the love of god...

Anyway. Match was good, still gonna wait for the eventual Jade vs. Statlander match.

May 28 (Special Dark) - Riho, Yuka Sakazaki, and Skye Blue vs. Nyla Rose, Emi Sakura, and Diamanté

Well, it was better than I thought it would be.

Why? Because Riho's in it. And because Yuka's in it.

All in all, this match was a fun waste of time.

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - Jade Cargill vs. Anna Jay (Part II) (TBS Championship Match)

They delivered back in January to the point that they made the Match of the Month, and it's safe to say that they delivered again.

And it looks like it's safe to say that Jade finally did that proper Jaded off of the turnbuckle. Massive improvement from January 5! Bravo!

I know that some people who haven't watched from the beginning may have been a bit confused by Anna's attire for this match. Well... it's a callback. Her Zatanna-esque outfit was her original gimmick before she ended up joining the Dark Order's ranks.

"Because I liked it, okay?" Mentions

May 4 (Dynamite) - "I am going to destroy CM Punk."

Heelman? Well... not quite.

Hangman sure sounded like a heel, didn't he? However, if you can notice everything, it looks like he was trying to convince himself of those words. The facial expressions and body language can say a lot. Find out for yourself once he finishes his promo here.

He did say that he'd do whatever it takes to retain the title. And to be fair, you'd probably say those words if a lot of people constantly said that you should lose the belt to a guy simply because he's more well known than you are.

(And we fast forward to Double or Nothing, and... well, shit.)

May 11 (Dynamite) - MJF vs. Wardlow: The Contract Signing

This might have been the most entertaining contract signing that I've ever seen. You get a parody of a Dark Side of the Ring episode, the loudest cheers for MJF, just... this was just great.

May 11 (Dynamite) - Hookhausen is real, y'all! (Or Danhausen vs. Tony Nese... the match that never really happened.)

Welcome to the oddest pairing that everyone now loves.

May 11 (Dynamite) - The Jericho Appreciation Society's "Victory Speech"

...Gets Wrecked. Nothing more victorious than seeing carnage.

May 13 (Rampage) - The Acclaimed are Billy Gunn's real sons now.

That's basically the whole segment. It's as dumb as you think it is.

May 13 (Rampage) - Shawn Spears vs. Bear Boulder

Because a chair gets bent to hell. That's it. I know, I'm being ridiculous.

May 17 (Dark) - Bear Country (Bear Boulder and Bear Bronson) vs. The Workhorsemen (JD Drake and Anthony Henry)

It's mainly because this match is one of those little hidden gems that you could probably enjoy.

May 17 (Dark) - Keith Lee and Swerve Strickland vs. Chaos Project (Luther and Serpentico)

Because I like Serpentico, okay?

May 18 (Dynamite) - Keith Lee and Swerve Strickland vs. The Workhorsemen (JD Drake and Anthony Henry)

Well, it's mainly for what happened after the match.

"A bar of soap with a pearl necklace on" killed me.

Seriously, I could listen to Lee and Swerve trade barbs with Starks and Hobbs all day long. They don't even need to have a match. I would be entertained by the trash talk alone.

May 18 (Dynamite) - Wardlow has to take 10 lashes

...or 8 lashes followed by a giant beatdown from MJF.

May 18 (Dynamite) - Anarchy in the Arena: Announced

The announcement itself was a hot mess. And yes, I loved it.

May 18 (Dynamite) - Adam Cole vs. Jeff Hardy (Owen Hart Cup Semifinal)

I don't know what's wrong with me. So Cole jumps Jeff when the latter's on the ramp, and then there's a beatdown, and then it just cuts to picture in picture after a few minutes.

And then what happened after the match was another beatdown.

And then everything goes off the air.

I... for some unfathomable reason... found this entire thing absolutely hysterical.

I don't know why I found it hilarious, because the match was unfortunately rushed, and that bogged down the match tenfold. The post match beatdown also didn't make any damn sense unless you were watching Being The Elite (where the rivalry between the Bucks and the Hardys was actually being developed). It was funny for all of the wrong reasons.

...maybe I need more sleep or something. Dealing with a full time job is weird now.

May 20 (Rampage) - Enjoy a dumb training montage.

I'm convinced that this match is just going to be Hook (with Danhausen) vs. Tony Nese (with "Smart" Mark Sterling) now.

It'll be a nice Buy-In match. Might be a pleasant waste of time.

May 20 (Rampage) - Jade Cargill invites Anna Jay to get another ass whooping at Double or Nothing.

That's it. That's the whole thing. Nothing more needs to be said. I don't know why I found this hilarious as well. I don't know what's wrong with my weird ass lately.

May 23 (Dark Elevation) - Skye Blue and Yuka Sakazaki vs. Nyla Rose and Emi Sakura

Well, it's better than I thought. It's another match you could watch in your spare time if you felt like it.

May 25 (Dynamite) - Wardlow vs. Shawn Spears (Steel Cage Match featuring MJF as guest referee; if Wardlow attacked MJF, there would be no match at Double or Nothing)

Well, that ended as well as we all thought. Max ends up being smacked by a chair from his crony. All of his plans are going to hell. It's glorious.

May 25 (Dynamite) - "I will be defending All Elite Wrestling from you!"

The crowd was split between Hangman and Punk. Both of them were cheered and jeered. But here's the thing... it didn't become clear until this face to face happened. Why did Hangman loathe CM Punk?

Well, Hangman was one of the first AEW wrestlers. CM Punk could have also been one of the first, but he didn't sign on until August 2021... two years later.

Basically, the cowboy thought that Punk could just come up to the house that he helped build and easily sit on the throne. Compare that to Chris Jericho and Jon Moxley, who are also former WWE wrestlers, but they were also here from the start. This is why there's so much animosity.

This is the third person that Punk had a massive heated feud with in AEW, after Eddie Kingston (who debuted in 2020) and MJF (who was here from the start as well). And look at how his feuds with them went. Remember when the crowd actually booed Punk and rooted for Eddie? Remember when MJF was actually shown in a sympathetic light for once?

There's a pattern here. Maybe the problem isn't in Eddie Kingston, Maxwell Jacob Friedman, or "Hangman" Adam Page.

It might be in CM Punk.

(As of Double or Nothing, Punk had defeated all three of these men, and he did it all in a row on Pay-Per-View. Punk defeated Eddie at Full Gear 2021. He defeated MJF at Revolution 2022. He dethroned Hangman at Double or Nothing 2022. Meaning... yep, he came up to the house and easily sat on the throne. Uh-oh. We're in trouble.)

May 27 (Rampage) - The "Hardly" Boyz.

...it was just the Young Bucks dressed up as the Hardys. Look, I'm amused by dumb stuff, okay?

Stuff that sounded odd but made sense

(It's a rare mention, but I will have to bring it up. Just because it sounded weird doesn't mean that it didn't make sense.)

May 18 (Dynamite) - Serena slams everybody... verbally.

I know that the promo did sound weird at the end, but she did have a point. It's kind of odd that the heels are cutting near face promos lately. To be honest, Serena was actually right in this situation. And when you combine that with what happened in a certain other company mere days later... it literally cemented her point.

Damn.

"We got a real problem here." Mentions

(Yep. I know, no company is perfect. But if there's something that really gets under my skin, I have to say it. I'm not referring to general explanations or basic rants, I'm referring to stuff that I'm really tired of seeing. Thankfully, this will come out rarely. There have been more hits than misses here. This is only for the things that have missed so hard that it needs to end.)

May 6 (Rampage) and May 13 (Rampage)... and probably any other dates in May and for the forseeable future because for fuck's sake! - The TNT title picture has gone to hell. This feud is still absolute shit. End it now. Also, can we please stop slut shaming Tay Conti?!

If you like or dislike her, that's one thing. However, if you have to resort to sexism or slut shaming to get your point across... just stop talking. All your credibility goes right into the toilet.

I was actually okay with the ATT promo on May 6 until a certain line by Scorpio was said. Like, how the fuck am I supposed to cheer for someone who's allegedly going to turn face for that shit? And I'm not going to repeat it here because I think I may have vomited in my brain just remembering that trash ass sentence. Please, please, please stop the slut shaming. It's not cute. It's cringy as fuck. No sane person wants to hear that shit. I also don't want to hear, "Oh, they're heels, they can say things like that!"

No. Fuck no. Stop defending garbage like this. You can be a heel without resorting to cheap shit like that. I'll also include Vickie's terrible "green card" bullshit to Thunder Rosa back in March as an example, too.

We're about two months into this feud, and all we have when it comes to Tay in this whole shitshow is, "she's a whore". It's tired, lazy, and misogynistic as fuck. It needs to stop.

I also find it ironic that Max Caster got suspended for a month for one of his diss raps (and that particular one was pretty damn tasteless, I'll admit that. And I do like his diss raps), yet this shit keeps getting greenlit week after week after week.

This is exactly why I wasn't cheering for ATT in this stupid feud, and shitty ass lines like that prove exactly why that's the case. It almost makes me want to cheer for Sammy and Tay, which is a clear sign that this feud isn't written well at all.

I don't care what happens to these people.

I can't believe that people are actually trying to defend this garbage and saying that this feud will improve.

I'm not going to "believe in long-term booking" on this one. It. Is. Garbage. Take it out to the shed and Old Yeller the stupid thing. This shit's worse than the Nightmare Collective. You might agree or disagree on that last sentence, and that's okay.

I know that was a strong sentence to say, but at least the Nightmare Collective didn't fuck up a belt's prestige in the process.

(Mercifully, this idiotic feud was put out of its misery with a Mixed Trios match at Double or Nothing. If Sammy's team lost, neither he or Frankie Kazarian could challenge Scorpio Sky as long as he was the current TNT title holder. And I was wrong; there can be bathroom breaks in an AEW PPV. This was unfortunately one of Sammy's worst showings in a match, which is a shame, because he's usually very good in the ring. Also, I really hope that Paige VanZant improves like Jade did, because her in-ring debut here was... very less than stellar. If this feud is truly over, burn the ashes of it and salt the earth so we can be done with it.)

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - D.M.D... fatigue.
(Please note that this is not against the person or the character. I actually do like the haughty "It's all about me" persona, and I do enjoy the promos that she cuts. This is more of a booking problem. What happened at Double or Nothing just cememted it.)

It was understandable that she was going to get a championship reign. The problem was that as time went on, she eventually ran out of babyface challengers in the women's division. Again, that's not her fault. That's on how small the division was at the time.

And then there was the infamous match at Revolution 2022 that caused people to sour on the championship reign. Sure, the trigger was eventually pulled two weeks later, but it still felt like the title should've been swapped at Revolution.

And then she handed Toni Storm her very first loss in AEW.

And then she won the Owen Hart Cup.

Yeah... her winning the tournament also tremendously hurt Ruby Soho's booking, and it cemented Ruby as someone who gets close to something big, only to lose at the end.

It almost reeks of Creator's Pet syndrome, where someone is elevated to absurd levels and overshadows everyone else. However, she doesn't qualify as one because she's not seen as hated by the fans. And she obviously doesn't have X-Pac Heat, either. For those who don't know, that is when the audience literally doesn't care about the wrestler and just wants them off of their TV.

I don't hate this bad booking as much as I hated the dumbass feud listed above, but it needs some tweaking. She certainly has her fans (and understandably so!), but her getting everything on a silver platter just needs to be scaled back a bit.

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - Actually, the whole damn finals of the Owen Hart Cup.

Seriously... neither of the winners needed to win the finals. They already had enough star power. Yes, Dr. Martha Hart's speech was incredibly heartfelt and wonderful, but I'll admit that I just buried my face in my hands while I listened. None of this was her fault, obviously. I just groaned while saying, "Why did they win? They shouldn't have won!"

They didn't need the win at all. They were already popular enough to begin with!

Special Mention: We'll always be proud of you.

May 29 (Double or Nothing) - "Hangman" Adam Page vs. CM Punk (AEW World Championship Match)

"When Sammy loses his belt, I will cry. When Hangman loses his belt, I will die."

And now the second part of that statement has come true.

I was fine when Sammy lost his belt on March 9. I wasn't fine when Hangman lost his belt on May 29.

I bet on the cowboy because I believed in him. I honestly still do.

That dreaded feeling was there all along, and I knew that it would happen. I told my boyfriend multiple times that Double or Nothing was the earliest time where he could lose the belt, and... it happened.

I couldn't bring myself to look when the three count hit. I just buried my face into my hands, and I literally wailed in agony.

Again, no tears were shed, but this title loss definitely hurt. Yeah, it hurt a bit when Sammy lost the TNT title to Scorpio Sky (the first time only), but this? Oh, my poor little heart is broken right now.

The desperation, anger, hubris, and self-doubt bubbled up to the surface and got him all at once. By the time he got it under control, it was too late.

He didn't want to win as a villain, so he lost as a hero. He did the right thing, and it cost him the belt. He leaves with his dignity intact... right? It's those split second decisions that can make or break an entire title run.

However, I do have to thank the (sadly, former) champion for something: his story to obtain the title has actually gotten me to dust myself off when I was knocked down. It's also caused me to believe in myself for a change. I found the confidence to obtain a full-time job after months of searching, and I'm going to save up to chase the dreams that I thought would never come true.

And do you know what else I think will come true? I honestly believe that the cowboy will get a second reign. I don't know when it'll happen, and I don't know who he'll dethrone. But I do know that in my heart, he will get that belt around his waist again.

He's one of my guys, and I will always cheer my ass off for him, no matter what.

But for now... rest up, Hangman. You've had a marvelous run.

You don't need a hat to be a cowboy, and you don't need a belt to be my champion.

From the bottom of my heart, and from everybody who has rooted for you and will continue to root for you...

Thank you. Thank you so, so much.

The Forbidden Door is wide open. We're off to June!
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