Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part Six)

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Note: Your main riffers for this part will be Amy, Mai, and Miyuki.

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Chapter 6 - Hidden Lunacy

"OH, how I hate those drawing classes!"
Shizuku yelled as she waved her long blue manicured nails in front of her.

Mai: Well, there's your problem.

"I mean, just look at this! That gross charcoal, stuck in between my nails!"

Miyuki: And the Suethor hates Athena for being "cutesy" and "girly", but the Sue's friends can do this stuff. Come again?
Amy: It's only okay if you suck up to the Sue, Miyuki.

"Oh, just be glad you're not a photgraphy major, Shizuku chan....you don't want to know what those strange liquids smell like!"
Hotaru addes as she finished her cheesecake. Classes were over for the day, and the band members of "Stella" lounged in a coffee shop near their campus.
"Look at you two, worrying about your looks! What we have to worry is about the calculus test tomorrow!"
Raiya saided as he gave Kira, who was sipping her cappuccino, a pleading look. She glared at him from the cup's rim.
"No, you're not stealing answers from my test."

Rory: And that was an actual thing that Cassy tried to do when we were in school.
Cassy: I still could've passed that test if you'd let me copy off of you.
Benimaru: Wait, wait, wait. Rory knows Calculus?
Rory: Yeah.
Kyo K.: *with a suprised look* Holy...
Benimaru: Well, that's something new.

"Ok, ok, so in order to not make our dear friend a sinner, let's go and study now."
With that, Itsuki snapped open his wallet, and everyone followed. A piece of paper slipped out of Kira's purse, which Raiya keenly spied. Before Kira's scurrying hands catched the fluttering paper, Raiya snatched it.
"Hey!"
"You seem to know how good of a stealer I am, so give it up"

Amy: Oh, my goodness, he's Manic!
Manic: Hey, it's a gift!

Raiya opened the folded piece of paper and smirked at Kira.
"Let's see....Yagami Iori.....Meguro district...wait, is this his address?"
Shizuku, eyes glittering, jumped into the conversation.
"Address!? Dang, you're fast, Kira chan! What happened to that Kusa-something guy!?"
"It's Kusanagi, Shizuku san..."
"Yeah, that's him, Ruka! You're awefully fast for being a former-priestess!"
The group burst into laughter in the quiet store as Kira's face burned.

Sonia: Look at her, mind bonking all of those men! So funny! *grimaces* Bite me.
Jessie: Hey, I'm not against multiple partners. It's actually the double standard that's ticking me off here.

"No, it's nothing like that!"
"Nothing like what?"
"......"

Amy: *makes a face*
Mai: *begins to sketch Amy's reaction*
Miyuki: Oh, this is classic! This is Mary Sue Classic right here! She can get all the guys she wants, but if a canon girl tries that, she's instantly labeled a "slut" for it.
Mai: It's been hard to find those Sues nowadays. Now they're just giant idiots who are trying to be cute while having Kyo's anger problems.
Kyo L.: Who, me? I don't have an anger problem, Mai!
Mai: To quote yourself, Kyo... that is bullshit.

Kira knew she had no chance in beating Shizuku in a verbal arguement. She crossed her arms and pouted as the group shuffled to the register.
"Hey, lighten up, girl. You know we still care! Ok, I'll pay for your stuff if you cheer up...deal?"
Raiya said to Kira. She looked at him for a moment, then smiled.
"Ok, but in that case, I should've bought another scone."
"....You'll gain weight, Kira...ow!"
Raiya was silenced by a sharp slap on the head.

Amy: Oh, my goodness. What's with the "you'll gain weight" "jokes"?
Sonia: At least Raiya was only slapped. He should thank his lucky stars that he was not Benji.
Amy: And what did you do to him?
Kyo K.: She decked him into the next millennium, yanked him back to the present, and decked him again.
Kyo L.: That was hilarious!

With no need to be waiting in line to pay, Kira leaned on the door. She watched her friends noisily arguing ave who ate what. Fubuki, the first to pay, glided over to her, and stood beside her. Kira felt anxious at the way he looked at her. When he has that expression, it'd definitely when he has a big lecture for her!

Mai: Do not lecture Mary Sues. That only makes their canon warping even worse, no thanks to their "You can't tell me what to do!" attitude.

"....I can tell you have something to say to me."
"So you see. Well, that makes the coversation a bit quicker..."
Fubuki leaned on the wall next to Kira, and spoke without looking at her.
"No matter what we think, say, or do, we ultimately have no saying in your life. But just don't forget why we left Izumo. Our mission....."
"....I know..."
She stared at her feet as her her sneakers kicked the waxed floor.
(I know....but.....)

Miyuki: *as Kira* But... my real mission is to boink my one "twu luv"...
Amy: *as she's ordering a mixed fruit bowl* Really, Miyuki?
Miyuki: Oh, come on, Ames! You know why this fic's a thing!
Amy: Of course. It's not a Sue fic without the... boinking.
Mai: Indeed.

"Oh my god......"
Both Yuki and Athena stared as the Mogi tests results that were being posted on the school bulletin board . Students usually scurry home the minute the class dissmisal chime rings, but half the students were still present, flocking to see their academic ranking in the class. Yuki, as usual, was the first on the list, narrowly beating Athena by 3 points, but their eye weren't focused on thier own results.

Emi: It was Miyuki's. Once again, she scored horribly.
Miyuki: Oi! Don't remind me about that, Emi!
Mai: I'm suprised that Athena is actually being mentioned in a positive light for once. But we all know that's going to go downhill soon.

"Cool! For once, I don't have to retake the tests!"
Kyo sung out as he snapped his fingers.
"RETAKE!? My god, you're in the top 50's, Kyo!?"
"Is today April Fools day or something?"

Amy: Well, the Sue is here, so yes.

"That was last week, Asamiya san..."
"I won't be suprized if it snowed tomorrow!"
The two girls stared at Kyo, glanced at the board, and back at Kyo.

Amy: *as Athena* Also, why do I have a feeling of working on something called "Extreme Gear"?
Rory: *sarcastically* Ha-ha. Very funny, lady.

"Kyo, did you force someone to let you copy their answers?"
"Hell no! Are you saying I cheated!?"
"Well..."
"Then, Kyo-kun, how did you do it?"

Miyuki: He used Hooked on Phonics!

Kyo sweeped his bangs from his face and smiled with glittering conficence.
"I just tried a little harder. Well, if you two ladies don't mind, I have some studying to do. Ja- na! (see ya)"
With that, Kyo strolled out of the school yard with a triumphant laugh. Yuki and Athena watched him as he disappeared at the gates, then looked at each other, exchanging puzzled looks.
"What in the world is going on!?"

Mai: ...one of his clones killed and replaced him, right?
Amy: *as she's eating* Kyo? Admitting that he put effort into things even though he keeps saying that he's a genius with natural talent? Wow, this Sue's warping him a lot harder than we thought!

(Well if Fubuki can't say anything about my private life, I guess he won't mind if I visit Iori kun, then....!)
Kira muttered in her mind as she marched out of the Naka (central)-Meguro subway station.

Mai: *rubs her forehead* Of course she would have the brain of a sea slug.
Miyuki: Now you've just insulted the slugs, Mai. They're smarter than she is.

She turned on a steep hill and resumed her campaign, looking down at the piece of paper. Kira turned the third pathway, as the paper instructed to see a large partment looming over her.
"Uh...this is it?"
She felt her neck straining as she tried to took at the whole building from such a near position. The glass doors were heavy, and the lobby was made of marble, fully equipped with cameras and an elevator. She pushed the button for the 13th floor and watched the elevator doors slide shut, silently.
(And he said my apartment looked expensive!)
She thought as she looked at the paper again to make sure that she was in the right building. Her eyes watched the light approaching the appointed floor.

Amy: Tails? Is this accurate?
Tails: *as he's searching on his Miles Electric* Well, according to "King of Fighters: KYO"... it isn't. Then again, we'll probably never know what his actual living quarters look like.
Mai: It's probably an excuse for the Sue to be surrounded by luxury again.
Miyuki: Of course! She can't do it with her "twu luv" if it's in some broken apartment joint!

The room was easy to find, being the one at the end of the hall. Kira stared at the name plate by the doorbell, that said "Yagami".
(.....I hope he doesn't mind me coming so suddenly...I mean, I didn't tell him I'm coming or anything...)

Benimaru: *facepalms, groans loudly*
Kyo K.: Well, Miyuki was right. Sea slugs are smarter than this doofus.

Thinking about the situation for a moment, she drifted away from the door, but then shook her head to clear her thoughts.

Mai: You're not thinking. If you were thinking, you wouldn't invite yourself into Iori's home without prior notice. And you already know what he's capable of doing to anyone, especially with his Orochi tainted powers.
Amy: Oh, come on, Mai! You know that Sues aren't supposed to think!
Miyuki: Yeah, they think with one organ, and that's their crotch.

(He's given me his address himself, so that should mean this is Ok. And besides, it's not my fault he doesn't have his number on here too!)

Keiko: There's a gigantic difference between a surprise visit and surprising Iori Yagami. *smacks her forehead* Bakamono!

With that she knocked on the oak door. No answer. Kira pounded on the door again, with again, no answer to her.
"Oh my god, don't tell me I came here for nothing!"
She said out loud as she hit the door one last time. The door creaked open. Kira's eyes widened at the sudden event, and checked the door to see if she didn't break the door from all that hitting.

Miyuki: How many times do we need to keep saying "You're an idiot!" for this scene? Because you're clearly acting like one!

The room was dark.
(He's not home? With the door open? That's really safe...)

Amy: *as she's frantically waving her arms* Says the person who invited herself into Iori's home!
Jessie: *facepalms* Fucking Christ, I can actually feel my brain cells dying here.

Kira invited herself in, and took her shoes off. The room was large, with little furniture. Only a TV (sitting on the floor), and impressive audiosystem, some lamps, a couch, and a low desk in the living room.

Mai: Missing: The Sue's death sentence. Of course, she has Bella Swan Syndrome, so she's going to survive this bout of stupidity.
Emi: Um, Miss James? This fic was written before the "Twilight" series.
Mai: Huh. So Stephenie Meyer managed to bring blatant stupidity into the limelight, then.

The couch faced towards the veranda and the cityscape which the purple haze of the sunset was beginning to dust. Kira started to feel uneasy to be in the room without the resident,

Miyuki: Oh, now you feel uneasy.
Amy: Dummy.

and began towards the door again when she heard a sudden noise from the couch.
"!!?"

Mai: Those aren't words. Then again, this is a King of Fighters fic, so I guess they do count.

Kira jumped in her place, and slowly looked back at the couch. She crept to the couch and peeked from behind. Iori was sleeping, in his usual clothes. Feeling somewhat relieved, she tapped him on the shoulder.

All: *facepalms*
Kyo L.: Darwin, can you please give this dumbass Sue her award right now?

"Iori kun, you're gonna catch a cold..."
"Dare da (who is it)!?"
"Eep!"
Stunned by the sudden touch, Iori jumped in the couch into a sitting position and grabbed Kira by the collar.

Miyuki: Well, duh. What did you think he was gonna do, make pancakes for you or something?

"Wait a sec! It's me!"
Iori stared at Kira's face as the heavy slumber retreated from his mind.
"Oh, it's you. Don't scare me like that..."
"Look who's talking...", Kira sighed as she gasped for air.

Amy: Excuse me?! You were the one who came into his home without permission! Don't even try to make yourself look like the victim here!

"How'd you get in anyway?"
"The door was open."
Iori gestured at her to sit, so Kira obeyed.

Mai: *flatly* Woof.
Miyuki: *snickers*

"....I had that dream again..."
"A dream?"
Iori rubbed his forehead with his coarse hand, his bangs swaying in the dark.
"It's always the same, since last year, when I fought with Kyo....two figures, those bitches, slithering at my feet, gouging at my wounds......they talk to me with sweet words, but meaning pain.....reminding me of that defeat. And when I try to attack them, they disappear into the dark, taunting me with their laughter....."
Sweat rolled down his face as he thought of the dream.

Mai: *confused*
Amy: *flatly* What.
Miyuki: Wow, Iori's gone all wangsty on us here.
Kyo K.: No kiddin'. Guy's got problems, but he isn't gonna spill 'em in front of some Mary Sue psychologist.
Athena: Oh, that much is obvious.

"A nightmare...no, not exactly..."
Kira thought about the situation for a moment.
"Iori kun, I think I can fix that."

Miyuki: *throws her hands up* Of course she can! She's the magical Fixer Sue, here to heal all with her Sue powers and her crotch!
Manic: I thought that her Sue powers were inside of her crotch.
Miyuki: No, that's for her one "twu luv".

"What!?"
Iori turned to face Kira, then smirked.
"You're thinking I'm a fool, don't you? Or possessed? What can a priestess do for a nightmare?"
"You never know. I don't care if you don't believe me, you'll just stay in you present state, haunted by those images."

Amy: *annoyed* Oh, thanks for guilt tripping him, you smug jerk!

His eyes widened, and stared at her.
"So, what do you want me to do?"

Mai: Kiss her feet, her behind, and... you know the third place.

"You want me to do what!?"
"Look, it's not like I'm getting fresh on you or something, so shut up and get your head on my lap!"

Mai: ...I was kidding when I mentioned "the third place".
Miyuki: Good lord, she's an irritating little asshole.
Emi: Miyuki!
Miyuki: Alright, sorry about that. But still, every time she gets questioned, the first thing she does is get incredibly snippy at that person because she knows that she can't do any wrong.
Amy: *grimaces* Sounds just like Kathryn. Every time she was called out for her selfish actions and bad attitude, she threw a fit and bared her teeth. And the fic kept telling us to sympathize with her horrible self.
Miyuki: ...she bared her teeth?
Amy: Yes. And I should've smashed them down her throat.
Miyuki: Huh.

"What's that for anyway?"
"Without physical contact with you, I can't get into your psyche, and without that, I can't remove the cause of the nightmare."

Miyuki: Well, you are the cause of our nightmares, so can you remove yourself?
Mai: She mentions that she can't get into his mind without some sort of physical contact. She could've held a hand of his. She could've put a hand of hers on his head. But yet... she makes him lie on her lap. I am not fooled by your troublesome antics, Mary Sue.

Though the idea embarassed Iori greatly, he had to do it to get rid of the shadows in his dreams once and for all. He reluctantly obeyed.
"Now what?"
"Ok, now go to sleep."
"You think I can go to sleep whenever I'm told to? I just got up from a nap!"
"Then just shut your eyes and I'll do the rest!"

Miyuki: Once again, tell her something logical, and she'll snap.
Amy: Mary Sues are never wrong... even when they clearly are.

And Iori obeyed.

Emi: *as she pulls out her marionettes and sets them aside* And like a good little puppet, he obeyed the one who was pulling the strings.
Kyo K.: *mutters* Oh, god, not those damn things again.

Through the darkness he could hear Kira mumbling something, but couldn't make out what she was saying. (What the hell is she doing?) with that thought, he suddenly felt his conscience diminishing.....

Amy: That's what happens when you read Sue fics like these. Your conscience just dies.
Sonia: *glances at a sleeping Sonic* Obviously.

"What a stubborn man, can't listen to orders without asking!

Mai: *promptly smacks Kira on the back of her head with her sketchbook*
Axl: *laughs* No words, sis?
Mai: I didn't need any words for that.

Well, he's under the sleeping spell, so I won't have to worry about that. Now for myself..."
Kira closed her eyes and silenced all voices from her mind.......

Miyuki: ...and then she died of night terrors. Good riddance to bad rubbish. *gets up* Alright, I think we're done here!
Amy: *sternly* Miyuki. Your behind needs to meet your seat. *sweetly* Now, please.
Miyuki: Aww, man! *sits back down*

Black. All that can be seen was black. The air was thick, and his body ached heavily as Iori stood in the shadows, as he always did.

Manic: Aww, man! We're not revisiting Kathryn's dumb "darkness" dreams again!
Amy: We're not. Thank goodness for that.

Giggles could be heard from the distance, approaching. Soon, shadows appeared at his feet, gliding over the thick floor. Two figures. Women, with familiar faces. Iori's face distorted in disgust. The two voices purred in his ears, but stabbed at his mind.

"So, you're still letting that Kusanagi boy roam the streets, Iori?"
"Is Kyo too much for you?"

Miyuki: That's what Emi said that one time when Kyo--
Emi: *furiously blushing* Miyuki! No!
Kyo K.: Oh, yes, Emi. I'm curious about that. What did I do to get you all hot and bothered, hmm? *grins deviously* Tell me in private later.
Emi: *still blushing as she hides her face in her hands*
Keiko: *stares at Kyo K.* Don't you try anything sneaky, Kusanagi.
Kyo K.: *still grinning* What? You're making it sound like I'd like to have some personal contact with your sister later.
Keiko: *narrows her eyes* And that's why I'm suspicious.

"I don't know about that, but I'm too much for you, Mature! Vice!"
A sudden voice from behind startled the two, and a girl in red and white priestess robes stood there.
"Kira?"

The slithering creatures cringed at the name Iori muttered.
"Hmph, so it's the maiden of Light?"

Emi: *muffled* Oh, so that's why there was a kanji of light in the last chapter.
Amy: And if she is an Orochi warrior, she shouldn't have the Orochi power of light, right?
Tails: Nope. That's actually Mature's Orochi power. Well, along with the ability to slash, of course.
Mai: And there she goes with her spotlight stealing powers again. *sighs* Wonderful.

"What do you want from us, Princess Bahamut!?"
"Princess what...?" Iori was utterly puzzled at the two's remarks.

"Long time no see, Vice, Mature, or should I say Scylla and Caribdis? Why don't you show your true face?"
"So you recognize us....very well, with our powers united, you have no chance, girl!"

Axl: Wait, wait, "Bahamut"? "Scylla and Caribdis"? The Orochi myths were from Japanese mythology! Bahamut's from Arabian mythology, and Scylla and Charybdis hail from Greek mythology! *chuckles* Oh, you're really screwin' this canon and basic mythology up, down, and sideways, Suethor!

The shadows merged into one, and grew into astonishing heights.
"What the hell's going on!?"
"The Orochi souls of Vice and Mature was originally one. They split and called themselves Scylla and Carybdis.

Kyo L.: Bullshit!

When you slayed them in your insanity last year, their souls seeped into you, leaving their bodies to suffer. And since, they've lurked in your soul, haunting your weakness. And now they're merging into their original state...."
The shadows burst to reaveal a huge dragon, with a silvery long body.  Its tail wound behind its thin body. It arched down and snarled at Kira.
"The Leviathan..."

Axl: ..which is from the Bible! Wow, this is some serious mythology chop suey here!
Miyuki: Sense. We'll never know what it means in this fic.
Amy: Well, to be somewhat fair, we're actually in Iori's dreams... but even then, his dreams were usually haunted with anything related to the Orochi. Not only that, Mature and Vice just hung around Iori for their amusement after they died.
Mai: So this... doesn't make any sense at all.
Miyuki: Again, we'll never know what sense means in this stupid thing.

"Now, prepare to be crushed with the rage of the sea, Bahamut!"
The dragon roared as it hurled its open jaws at Kira and Iori. Iori leaped out of danger, but found Kira facing the dragon.
"What are you doing, Kira!? Get out of the way!!"

Mai: Oh, please. She's going to defeat it with her wonderful Mary Sue powers.

Still, Kira remained planted.

Amy: She then used photosynthesis.

Her eyes glistened from her deep blue hue to a blazing orange.

All: ...
Miyuki: Are you kiddin' me? She has mood ring eyes?!
Kyo L.: This is some bullshit right here.
Miyuki: No kidding.

"Foolish Serpent!! You think you can defeat me with such a twisted soul!?"
With that, Kira raised her right hand as it began to glow. She quickly flickered it back down, and a great crescent of light flashed from it. The huge crescent pierced the dragon, and the slashed body of the beast collapsed.

Mai: Oh, how anticlimactic. Of course she can easily defeat a creature with only one shot.

"Wh...what did you do?"

Kyo L.: She did some bullshit. That's all you need to know.

"I was the one that gave you and Kyo the power of fire you posess now. Do you think the one who gives such strength doesn't possess it herself?"

Amy: *plants her face into her fruit bowl*
Miyuki: Uh...
Amy: *muffled* Yes, I meant to do that.
Mai: ...I see. *begins sketching*

Kira approached the huge mound of meat that now piled infront of the two.

Miyuki: Ah, so it's Iori's p--
Mai: *elbows Miyuki*
Miyuki: What?

She cast her hand over it and again muttered a spell that Iori couldn't understand.

Amy: *with her face still in her fruit bowl* Well, we don't understand this fic, so we're even.
Miyuki: Um, Amy?
Amy: *as she's eating some fruit* Hmm?
Miyuki: You're going to get your head out of that bowl, right?
Amy: Meh. *continues eating*

The corpse of the Leviathan glowed with intense light, then condensed into a small ball of light. Kira grasped the small ball into her hand. In her palm rested a stranges shaped stone, a flat sphere with a hole through the center, and a curving bulge at one end. The cobalt ball shimmered in the dark.
"What is that?"

Mai: You should know what that is, considering that you're one of the Three Sacred Treasures, you idiot.
Miyuki: Fic's just making everyone stupid at a rapid pace, huh?
Amy: *as she lifts her head* No kidding.

"The magatama....the sould of an orochi....this is the core that allows the orochi warrior to have enormous powers. This is what was cursing you so long."
With that, Kira gripped the magatama,and it disppeared from their sight, like smoke.....

Mai: ...much like my tolerance for this incredibly idiotic fanfic.

Kira finally opened her eyes. Iori was still under her magic trance, still sleeping. She raised her hand and opened her palm. Light collected into a ball hovering over her hand, into a blue sphere.  The magatama. She smiled in the blue glow the stone emitted and looked down at the sleeping man.

"Your nightmare's over, Iori kun. Oyasumi.....(good night)"

Amy: Wait, what?! No, no, no, no! This Sue just ruined another canon event!
Kyo K.: No kidding. She just removed Yagami's ability to undergo the Riot of the Blood. She should have also removed his ability to summon those flames of his in the process. And she should have also removed his ability to hold down Orochi! What the hell is this crap?!
Miyuki: Oh, come on, man! Sues can't let their "twu luv" suffer! They'll just bend canon into the billionth dimension if it'll just make everything perfect for them!
Tails: There's more. Mature and Vice did haunt Iori's dreams before the '97 tournament, and his reaction was anger, not this... odd weeping mess. So, uh... the Sue just ruined an entire handful of canon events in this scene alone. I'm starting to wonder if Kyo, Iori, and Chizuru will not be the ones who will seal Orochi in this fic now.
Mai: ...this is stupid. All of this is stupid.
Amy: You're telling me. I also need to wash my face. Fruit's delicious, but their juices are so darn sticky.
Axl: I think that was a line in a hentai once--
Amy: Oh, would you stop with the hentai, Axl?!
Axl: Okay, okay, sorry!

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