Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part Twenty-One)

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Note: Kyo K., Benimaru, and Athena will mainly riff this chapter. (This chapter also mentions rape, but it is not in explicit detail.)

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Chapter 21 - Turn Back Time ~Kushinada Story~

Kyo K.: This is supposed to be the chapter on "what really happened" between my clan and Yagami's clan, and yet... it says Kushinada Story. *facepalms* Shoot me.
Athena: *makes a face* She really has to make this all about her, doesn't she?
Benimaru: Unfortunately.

The mountains that cradled the Izumo shrine Kira once lived in was now a sea of vegetation, with lush green melting in the sweet breeze.

Benimaru: So it's near a volcano.

The old shrine still nestled in the thick forest, in its deep sleep it was always in, for 1800 years. It has already been five months since its rightful owner has left the shrine. Today, she has returned. But she was not alone.

Kyo K.: So which puppets arrived with her?

The pebbled road, that lead away from the magnificent wooden building of the sacred shrine, lead to a tiny cave that burried deeply into the mountains of Izumo. Apparently no one has taken that path for decades, since its stone body was blanketed with thick moss. That is, until today, and the path gleamed with fresh scars from the footprints of the intruders.

Athena: Well, there you have it. The Sue's an intruder. Stop the fic. The fic just admitted it.

At the mouth of the cave, Kyo sat on a huge rock, tapping his finger on his sneaker in agitation.

Kyo K.: Damn it. It's that clone of mine.
Athena: So we shouldn't be surprised that Fake Iori is also with her.

He obviously didn't come here for the view or for the memories...it's already 15 years since his last visit.

Benimaru: At least it wasn't ten years ago.
Black Crow members: *groans*

Kira leaned on the same rock with folded arms while Iori sat on a different rock a few feet away. The silence was unbearably uneasy for the young Kusanagi, as he finally broke it with his own words.
"Yo Kira, how do we know when to enter the cave? We can only enter it when the 7 guardians are defeated, right?"

Kyo K.: I thought it said eight guardians. I'm not being drugged, right? Someone clearly said that eight had to be defeated.
Benimaru: Yeah, you were right. I guess a certain writer forgot to edit her... I can't call this a masterpiece.

"Honestly, I don't know. The scrolls I read during my training here only said there is an 'unmistakable sign.'"

Kyo K.: Yeah, it's a mistake.

"Are they really here?"
Iori's deep voice rippled through the silence.

Athena: And there he is.

"It's said that to awaken the Orochi, eight sacrificial maidens must be slain on the Dragon's Altar that is located in the heart of this cave. See those torn ropes at the mouth of the cave? That was the seal that kept uncleansed souls out, but it's ripped open. I'm sure they're already in there."
"Sa.....sacrifice!?"
Kyo held his stomach, as if to hold his nausea down.

Benimaru: Um, Kyo has a strong stomach. He's not as wimpy as you think he is, Suethor.

"Seems like you don't know the true legend of the Orochi, do you?"
"You mean, the one that the thunder god slays the eight-headed dragon?"

Benimaru: Oh, so I slayed Orochi!
Athena: No, you didn't!
Kyo K.: Of course he didn't. Raiden slayed it at the cost of him turning into Dark Raiden, which put Earthrealm in jeopardy for the next 600 years. *snaps his fingers* 100 points for me! I know my history!
Athena: *laughs*

Kira shook her head.
"Now, you really don't know. And the legend deeply involves your own blood. Well, okay, we still have some time. I'll tell you everything. About our past and our fates....."

Kyo K.: No, please don't. I don't want this being all messed up, too.
Athena: Unfortunately, you forgot what we're reading, Kyo.
Kyo K.: *groans* And this is where my nausea begins.

1800 years ago, this area known as Izumo was ruled by a sacred queen named Himiko.

Miyu: Um, Axl, do you want to be technical about any of the Orochi myths here?
Axl: No. I'm just going to use Kyo's history. Speaking of which... what happened 1800 years ago, Kyo?
Kyo K.: For starters... not that. And where are the scene breaks?
Benimaru: They're on layaway.

Himiko, who used the magic of light and read the stars to govern her land, was the most powerful witch in Japanese history as well as one of the eight Orochi Warriors.

Kyo K.: That didn't happen, either.

However, she detested the idea to use her gifted powers to conquer the other neighboring countries, and consequently fought against the other seven warriors of the time. Indeed, Izumo was one of the most powerful countries of Japan at that time, and under the rule of Himiko, the land prospered in both culture and wealth.

Athena: And blatant silliness. So the Sue is the ancestor of this "Queen Himiko"?
Benimaru: Of course. The Sue is always the most powerful one.

The Orochi clan, who were already moving under the desire to rule over the primitive world, became irritant of the futile resistance of the Izumo queen, and finally kidnapped Himiko, with her younger sister, Princess Yayoi.  They were to be slain and sacrificed at the first attempt in ressurecting their god, the Orochi.

Kyo K.: And that didn't happen. My clan's history involved my ancestor saving Kushinada. There was no "Himiko" or "Yayoi".
Benimaru: Does this mean that the Sue is a "better Yuki"?
Kyo K.: *facepalms* Oh, god. No wonder that clone of mine ignored her to chase after that Mary Sue. I would rather be strangled with Emi again. At least she wasn't a giant pain in the ass.

Himiko, being in the prime of her youth, was engaged with the Prince of a neighboring country, the land ruled by the Yasakani clan. Hearing his bride's disappearance, Yasakani left the country with Kusanagi, a prince of a lesser status and a smaller estate who was governed under the protection of the Yasakani, to retrieve her.

Kyo K.: What the hell is this?! What is this bullshit?! We were equals!
Athena: Uh-oh. So Iori's clan was actually better than yours in this fic, Kyo?
Benimaru: *sighs* Looks like it. The Suethor's bias is gigantic. Iori's such a Stu in this fic that it actually extended to his own family's past!
Tails: It gets worse. Chizuru actually said that her clan had no intentions to favor Kusanagi or Yasakani over the other. Oops.

"What!? My ancestor was a servant of Yagami's!!?"
Kyo cringed at the idea, which Iori calmly ignored.

Athena: I'd cringe, too. Nobody likes bias when it comes from a bad writer!

"And then?"
"Well, you all know, Yasakanifaught against the other Orochi Warriors while Kusanagi freed the maidens that were held captive as the sacrifice.

Kyo K.: Uh, no! My ancestor had a part in dealing with Orochi as well! Sure, he saved Kushinada, but he dealt the blow as Yasakani held Orochi down!
Benimaru: Wow, so this fic just demoted Kusanagi and Yata to extras?
Athena: Meaning that Yasakani did all of the work and was the best person ever?
Benimaru: *facepalms* Wow. Just... wow.

As a result, the awakening of the Orochi was stopped. But our legend doesn't end here...."

Athena: I wish it did. This is going to be terrible.

The queen foolishly fell in love with Kusanagi, who directly saved her and her sister. Ironically, to a servant of her own future groom. To the fiance of her younger sister Yayoi.

Benimaru: So Yuki's ancestor had to settle for less and was supposed to marry your ancestor, Kyo?
Kyo K.: I think I just died on the inside. To think that my ancestor was supposed to kiss Yasakani's ass in this crap.

But Himiko was afterall a woman,

Athena: ...and a gigantic Mary Sue who ruined the timeline to the point where it's incredibly unrecognizable...

and she seemed to forget everything else for the love of her savior.Yasakani, a born aristocrat, couldn't bear the humiliation of having his bride stolen to another of a lesser status, much less his own servant!
In rage, Yasakani forcefully violated the queen.

Benimaru: *facepalms* Now we had to add rape.
Athena: Um... you do realize that Iori is supposed to be the Sue's destined love because of this?
Kyo K.: *disgusted* Oh, that's just perfect.

She couldn't repel his advances because she knew too well that it was her foolishness and arrogance that made him act this way.

Benimaru: And now we had to add victim blaming. This is disgusting.
Kyo K.: The legend... had nothing to do with rape. At all. This is just a piss poor attempt to make it "edgier" and "more dramatic".
Benimaru: This is like... 1800 years of Stockholm syndrome or something!

The guilt weighed heavily on her heart and denyed her any resistance.  But she equally couldn't forgive Yasakani's weakness that drove him to violate her in this way. With her eyes glazed with tears,

Athena: ...just like a delicious donut...
Kyo K.: Athena, you need to eat something after this. You're starting to turn into Emi.

it is said she screamed these words:
I shall not stop you from this sacrelige union, but I as a woman will not forgive you! May the child that comes forth from this unholy night be damned 'til the last of its seeds!

"As the queen predicted, a child was born from that rape. The baby boy that was given birth in vain was named 'Yagami', to remind the later generations that it was his blood that defiled one of the eight gods of the time...."

Kyo K.: And that didn't happen. It was said that a member of the Hakkeshu murdered Yasakani's wife and placed her body in the Kusanagi homeland. After that, the murderer told Yasakani that my clan said that it was "punishment" for letting the Orochi seal weaken. And that obviously enraged Yasakani to the point where that clan ended up with Orochi's power and renamed themselves as Yagami.
Benimaru: You know, you never really cared about your own legend.
Kyo K.: Of course I don't, Beni. I just can't sit still and let everything that is so friggin' wrong pass me by.

"!!"
Iori clenched his chest feeling the black blood coursing in his body.

Benimaru: I think he's about to croak in a second.

"That's right, Iori.  The blood of Orochi that flows in you is from that time. And Himiko's curse is quite strong, as you know.... ."

Athena: Well, obviously. Look at this fic!

After the incident, Himiko remained unmarried and ruled her land alone until death, changing her name to Kushinada.

Kyo K.: *facepalms* She really is a "better Yuki". Then what's the point of Yuki even being in this fic?!
Benimaru: Because she's the queen's "younger sister".
Kyo L., Kyo K.: This is bullshit.

Kusanagi was, however, blessed by the queen, and grew in land and wealth into one of the powerful clans, equal to Yasakani.

Athena: But not better than Yasakani, oh, no. We can't have that here.

Their bitter rivalry, though fully ignited in another story 1200 years after, was planted into the families at this time.

Benimaru: Wow, that was incredibly bad.
Kyo K.: No kidding.
Athena: Wait, I just figured something out.
Kyo K.: What is it?
Athena: So, this "legend" says that Iori's ancestor was supposed to marry Kira's ancestor... but she fell in love with Kyo's ancestor... who was supposed to marry Yuki's ancestor. So... because of their ancestors' former statuses... this means that Iori and Kira are supposed to be a "better couple" than Kyo and Yuki "because destiny said so"!
Benimaru: Even though Iori's ancestor raped the Sue's ancestor? And they're supposed to be a better couple because of that?
Kyo K.: Forget shooting me. Just blow me up with dynamite.

"So, what happened to the other princess? Is she my ancestor?"
"Her heart was torn in dispair of losing her fiance to her own sister, and unbearable of the betrayal, fled for the woods. She is said to have given birth to a baby girl, a child between Kusanagi, and died in labor."

Athena: Uh... who asked that question?
Benimaru: Oh, it's supposed to be Pod Kyo.
Kyo K.: Also, I'd like to know what the hell happened to Yata!
Benimaru: That clan never existed, apparently.
Kyo K.: And one more thing... Himiko was supposed to die in childbirth, not Yayoi. The Yagami curse is supposed to make the men die young while the women die in childbirth. So this is just another thing that makes the Sue's ancestor look better.
Athena: That sounds unfortunate. Kira's ancestor was better than Yuki's because she didn't die in childbirth?
Benimaru: *facepalms* This is terrible. Everything is terrible.

The trees shook violently from the wind above them. Other than the rustling of the healthy leaves, only silence were their witness. Kyo felt a bead of sweat roll down his forehead.
"Well?  That's the story behind our blood. Pretty hard to believe, isn't it?"
Kira said calmly with a faint smile, and observed the two men, standing in silence.

Kyo K.: That's because it's literally stupid, and that's why I don't believe any of it!

"Well, don't take it so seriously. It's been 1800 years since all that. It's got nothing to do with us...."
The words of assurance seemed to be directed more to herself then Kyo or Iori, though.

Athena: Even though you said that it was your past and fates...? What...? Oh... *facepalms*

Clink.....

The high pitch shrill of metal pierced the summer breeze, and a flash of light danced in Kira's suprised hands. Kyo tried to guard his eyes from the blinding light with his hands.

Benimaru: Might as well head towards the light so you won't have to deal with the rest of this fic.

"Wh, what the!?"
The ball of light slowly dimmed to show its content. A mirror with an elaborate patturn across its border. A thin pillar of light beamed from the mirror's glass to reveal a golden magatama, hovering over Kira's hands. Iori's eyes widened at the familiar object.
"A magatama....?"
"Oh, so you remember?"
Kira turned to Iori as she grasped the orb. The magatama melted into her palm as the mirror fell to the ground, fulfilling its mission. The mirror silently shattered at Kira's feet.
"Arigato, Hinata san."
"Who?"
"That was the Mirror of Yata I gave to Chizuru's dead sister Hinata 15 years ago. She has just fulfilled her obligation as a daughter of the Kagura clan by bringing me the magatama.

Kyo K.: And now Kagura doesn't have to do a damn thing in this fic, because the mirror shattered... and the mirror was needed to seal Orochi! I think Tails is right; Kagura, Yagami, and I won't be the people who'll seal that thing this time around.

Kyo, do you remember what I gave you at the ceremony?"
"Eh? It's not the flames?"
"No, it's not, dummy!

Athena: Well, thanks for insulting him, you jerk! Sorry that he doesn't remember everything from a decade and a half ago!
Benimaru: Also, he was five years old. So that insult just made her look like a bigger jerk.

Concentrate on your palms a bit and you will see...."
"On my palms? Like this?"
Kyo thrusted his right fist in front of him.
"More."
Flames burst around the hand.
"More!"

Benimaru: *opens KyoKusanagi.EXE, clicks "Concentrate"*
Athena: KyoKusanagi.EXE has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

Zash!!

"Wah!!"
A sword emerged from Kyo's hand, like new grass springing from the earth.

Kyo K.: Or a tumor coming out of my head.

"That's the sword of Kusanagi, or the 'Serpent Slayer'. That's what allows you to use your flames. I merged that sacred weapon to your body so you can fight equally with the Orochi.  You were the appointed fighter."

Kyo K.: Even though that so-called legend said that Yagami's clan was better than mine. Look, my fic self is obviously dumber than a bag of rocks, but this Kyo right here knows how to read.

"And did you give me something as well?"
Iori stepped forward, ignoring Kyo who was fumbling with the magnificent sword that just sprang out of his body.

Benimaru: And of course Kyo still has to be a giant idiot in this awful fic.

"Queen Himiko of 1800 years ago obliged the Yagami hiers to inherit the Bahamut magatama within their body. The sacred weapon I gave you 15 years ago, Iori, it is my magatama, my Orochi soul."
"!!?"

Kyo K.: Yeah, I'm surprised that she has a soul as well, Fake Yagami.

"The magatama can only survive in a body with Orochi blood because it constantly emitts energy into the body that is extremely toxic. Lind of like a nuclear plant built into your body.

Athena: Uh-oh. He didn't swallow Chernobyl, did he?
Kyo K.: *chuckles*
Benimaru: Wait, if the Bahamut thing can only survive in a body with Orochi blood, then why the heck did she try to make Chizuru inhabit it?
Kyo K.: Because she's an idiot who can't count to eight or seven or whatever, Beni.

I, a full blooded Orochi, can withstand the magatama within my body with ease,

Kyo K.: *as Kira* ...because I'm a giant Mary Sue, as you all know...

but your Orochi blood is already weak with so much human blood mixed in. Unable to tolerate the poison from the magatama, you occasionally lost control of your soul and power. That's what's called the Riot of Blood, and the 'curse' Fubuki apparently told you about."

Athena: Is this really true?
Kyo K.: Most of it, yeah. The Sue has full Orochi blood, so she can't undergo the Riot of the Blood. I know that I snarked on it earlier, but that's actually correct.
Benimaru: Of course she can't go under the Riot of the Blood. That would just give her weaknesses and make her "unattractive and disgusting". And we can't have that.

Feeling his black blood boiling within him, Iori grasped his chest.

Benimaru: And then he keeled over and died because blood isn't supposed to be black.
Kyo K.: It's either that or he turned into one of those Lin Kuei cyborgs. He's probably unit LK-6T4 or something.

"It was Himiko's will, and I gave you my magatama without knowing anything about the situation. If I knew the magatama will cause you so much pain and suffering, I would've never given you such a dangerous thing...."

Athena: *as Kira* ...because I could never hurt my one twu luv!
Kyo K.: *rolls his eyes* Jesus, this is so sappy.
Benimaru: How could she not know anything about the situation when she just told them the legend?
Athena: I... oh, wow. This is really inconsistent.

A pale white magatama glistened in Kira's hand. The pearly glow danced on the trio's faces.
"What's that?"
"The Bahamut magatama.  The one I gave you 15 years ago."
"How...!?"
"Did I get it out of you?

Benimaru: I thought you did way back in the sixth chapter. Why is she forgetting things that she's already done?
Kyo K.: Because Sues think with their loins instead of their brain.

There are two methods that a magatama can be transfered between two people of Orochi blood. The first is to forcefully rip it out of one's body. The other, which occured at your ceremony, is to intensely concentrate the two souls of the individuals and merg them to one, even for a moment."
"But when...?"
"That's for you to decide, Iori."
"That night?"
"Well, I don't know if it exactly was the souls that were one that time.

Athena: Well, that's because their souls weren't the things that were one on that night.
Manic: *plays a rimshot*
Kyo K.: *snickers*

Anyway, that was our cue to enter the cave. The eight seals are broken. Let's go!"

Benimaru: I thought... I thought... that... they had to break seven seals... *facepalms* Forget it.
Kyo K.: So she doesn't know how to count, she doesn't know what the hell she's done, and now she doesn't know her own made up garbage myth that she's mixing up with other myths.
Athena: It's going to get much worse, isn't it?
Kyo K.: *sighs* Unfortunately, it's going to be a lot worse.

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