Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 15: Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring (Part Three)

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(Meanwhile)

Back in Nakomia Elena and the old woman were nearing the castle. Suddenly Elena flew backward with a scream. And the Time Freeze wore off. “What was that?” asked Elena. “Oh I forgot to mention, Queen Zaracova put up a force field. Anyone whom is able to wield any magic may not enter without permission from her majesty herself.” Answered the old woman.

Amy: And my logic usage paid off for some odd reason.

“Can someone whom is immortal pass?” asked Elena. “Yes of course, the force field will not hurt them. They would be invincible.” “I see. Lets go back to your house. Show me the tunnels tomorrow. I need to heal from these wounds.” Said Elena.

Rory: Wait, she had wounds?
Cassy: Out of friggin' nowhere, dude.

So the two went back to the house where Elana

Keiko: If you seriously can't spell the names of your own characters consistently... just retire. I'm serious.

healed her wounds by placing the ring on them,

Amy: Hold on, we weren't told that the ring could heal wounds. What is this?
Cassy: It's another power because the plot said so.

while the old woman was preparing supper. Elena wrote a message to Queen Rosalina right away. “Listen I need you to mail this for me. We will not go to the tunnels until I receive permission from my Queen.” Said Elena. “Very well.” Said the old woman. They then ate supper and rested a spell.

Rory: Hope they rested the right spelling of her name.

(Meanwhile)

Back at Galaxy’s palace, Galaxy was awaiting Queen Zaracova’s visit. Galaxy untransformed back into her golden color ball gown with pure gold earrings and a pearl necklace.

Amy: We have the details of what a Sue's wearing, but we have no details about the plot. This isn't good.

Queen Rosalina ordered her maids to ready tea and sandwiches for the arrival of Queen Zaracova. Just then as Queen Rosalina paced back and forth across the floor, Lord Deon walked into the room.

“Queen Rosalina why do you make such arrangements for a Queen you are trying to get rid of?” Asked Lord Deon.

Keiko: Why are you using logic? That's our job.

“Just because we are trying to persuade her to step down doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be treated right.

Cassy: *as Rosalina* Sure, she tortures her citizens, but she needs the red carpet.
Amy: I give up.

After all right now she is the Queen of Nakomia. I have no power over that. But, what you don’t know is where most of the energy on that planet comes from. I supply most of the energy they need. That is why Queen Zaracova hasn’t tried to take over the Golden City of mine. She knows that if she were to over through me, that the energy won’t be there for her people to survive.” Replied Queen Rosalina as she looked out a window.

Rory: Wait... what? Why would she care about the citizens that she's tortuing? I don't... *rubs his forehead* I'm so lost.
Keiko: Think about it, Hancock. If there are no citizens, what's left to rule?
Rory: Ah, I get it now.
Keiko: Still, it could've been written a bit clearer. That's why you were confused.

“I see your point. I should leave before Queen Zaracova finds out I’ve been here. I shall see you again, your majesty.” Said Lord Deon as he walked over to Queen Rosalina. Lord Deon then leaned forward and kissed Queen Rosalina. Queen Rosalina as well kissed him back. Lord Deon stepped back bowed his head and left the room. She looked out the window and saw him get into his coach and ride away.

Amy: Relationship development? What the heck is that nonsense?

Queen Rosalina then took a seat on the couch thinking about Lord Deon and if she would ever see him again. She thinks that she may be falling in love with a Lord from Universe.

Keiko: Great. Here comes another plot tumor.

The bells sound and she knows that Queen Zaracova has arrived.

Zaracova was brought to the conference room where she saw Queen Rosalina standing ready to greet her. “Welcome Queen Zaracova to my Golden city. I believe this is your first visit to my city and my home.” Said Queen Rosalina as both of the Queens took a seat opposite of each other. “Yes this is my first time here. Now I want to know the reason you called me here.” Said Queen Zaracova as she sipped her tea.

Cassy: And Rosalina didn't try to poison it?
Rory: This fic would've ended if she did.

“Well Queen Zaracova I called you here to discuss some matters concerning the war between our worlds. You and I both know that this can’t go on forever.” Answered Queen Rosalina.

Amy: Well, it did, and we're just knowing about this, so...

“But it can. As long as the missing princess doesn’t return I will not back down from the war. It isn’t that simple to end a war. When she comes home then I shall end the war.” Said Queen Zaracova with a bit of a tone.

Rory: Uh... it's too hard to say that you're surrendering? It's too hard to wave a white flag around? It's too hard to make a peace treaty?
Keiko: Yes, yes, and yes. It's a fic series that's full of morons, Hancock. The easiest solutions are the incorrect solutions.

“Why but it is all very simple to end. Because all I would have to do, if we don’t come up with something to agree by, is shut off you’re energy supply.

Cassy: It's "your". Look, I know that Trump fucked up the English language and diplomacy, but you don't need to follow suit, dude.

Leaving you and your people to fight for yourselves in surviving what will come your way. I can easily over throw you, and both of our worlds will be back to normal, but I’m not going to over throw you because it is not my fight.” Said Queen Rosalina as she ate a sandwich.

Cassy: *as Rosalina* I mean, I'm like... a goddess and shit, but fuck your people. I'm just caring about them because they randomly crossed my smug ass mind. *eats a sandwich*

“I see your point Queen Rosalina. But you threatening me won’t help Lord Deon keep his life.” Said Queen Zaracova. “What did you do with him Queen Zaracova?” Asked Queen Rosalina. “He is in my dungeon. I sent him there as soon as I saw him leave your palace. The traitor will never be trusted again.” Replied Queen Zaracova laughing with evil eyes.

All: *confused* Wait, what?
Amy: We were never told that he was working for her. At all. This could've been an interesting "falling for the enemy" plot, but once again... it's dropped.

“I don’t know if you know this but your powers here Zaracova don’t work. You can’t warp and you can’t even destroy a thing as long as you are in the Golden City. No evil power can be used here. I can easily throw you in my dungeon with a snap of my finger.

Amy: *as Rosalina* I'm a damn Mary Sue! Don't you dare try to out-Sue me!

I am warning you Zaracova. Queen or not, nobody harms the people I care about and nobody blackmails me.

Rory: But you were going to blackmail her!
Keiko: It's only okay if a Mary Sue does it. Everyone else needs to die.

I will give you three days to let him go and bring him here. If he is not here in three days, life, as you know it Zaracova will be a living nightmare. Do not test my power. You have no idea just how strong I am.

Cassy: Wank, wank, wank...
Amy: *sighs as she mops up a wank puddle* Hold on, she's not the self-insert Sue.
Cassy: But she's damn close enough, dude.

If Lord Deon is harmed in any way, Zaracova then you will get to see a taste of what golden power can do to you!

Rory: Holy crap, we're gonna watch the pee pee tape?! I thought that was a rumor!
Amy, Cassy, Keiko: No!

Remember you have three days or your energy supply is gone forever. Oh by the way, I am able to attack your kingdom two ways. Have you ever wondered what the immortal gate was for, lets just say the immortal goddess on the other side of that gate is on my side.” Rosalina said as her eyes glowed gold and snapped her finger and Queen Zaracova was warped back to her palace.

Keiko: Honestly, why are we meant to like you? And the "because you're a Sue" answer will not fly here.
Rory: She could've warped Zaracova to another dimension. Why didn't she do that?
Amy: Because this fic would end.

“Queen Rosalina, I know that you are tired from the conference but I’d thought you’d like to take a look at these letter’s that just arrived. One comes from Elena and the other comes from Taracovia!” exclaimed Sailor Star. “Oh yes! Bring them here.” Said Queen Rosalina. Sailor Star then left the room so Queen Rosalina could read them privately. She opened the one from Taracovia, it read:

Amy: Why? Why are we stopping the non-plot for letters?
Cassy: You know why, dude. The Suethors ran out of ideas.
Rory: ...there were ideas?
Keiko: *chuckles*

Dear Queen Rosalina,

Cassy: *writes* Eat cat shit. No love, Cassy.

I know that you have been worried sick about me and I apologize for that.

Amy: Since when were you ever sorry about anything?

Caranovia has saved me but unfortunately I have good and bad news. I’ll start with the good, I have found my mother Queen Novia of Nakomia. Kida has been looking after her all this time and I didn’t even know it.

Rory: Yeah, neither did we.

The bad news is that I have two choices, I can leave the Immortal realm to come back and protect you or I can stay in the immortal realm and become the next immortal goddess queen. Unfortunately there is a catch to it all. If I stay in the immortal realm my mother will live, but if I leave my mother will die and no one can revive her not even Kida herself. I don’t know what to do Rosalina. I don’t want my mother to die when I just found her after thousands of years! But then again I don’t want to leave you in harms way. Please tell me what to do? What is happening in the world right now? Please write back to me A.S.A.P and tell me of your thoughts!

Taracovia

Keiko: We didn't just stop the non-plot for letters. We've stopped the non-plot for a letter that explained what we already know. What is the point of all of this useless nonsense? As a matter of fact, what's the point of reading these incredibly useless stories?
Amy: Padding. It's all padding.
Cassy: That means that we can leave, right?
Keiko: No.

Rosalina sat there a few moments and re-read the letter trying to understand what Taracovia was asking. She then opened Elena’s letter and it read:

Rory: End this boring junk!

Dear Queen Rosalina,

Well I have made it safely to Nakomia, but Queen Zaracova has put up a force field just outside the palace gates. Any one who wields any magic cannot pass the force field without permission from Zaracova herself.

Amy: *groans* We know...
Rory: Man, I knew that we'd be getting hand holding. Didn't expect it to be this bad.

I get this knowledge from an old woman who claims to be the last lady in waiting to Princess Taracovia.

Keiko: And yet she believed her and went with her. *facepalms* I hate these people. They're ten times dumber than Kusanagi.

She tells me that the others were killed shortly after the princess fled. Now the old woman has told me that there is another way to get into the palace gates. It is through some underground tunnels, but I’m not sure if I should proceed. Please write back as soon as possible with your orders.

Elena (Sailor Time)

Amy: Yes, let's admit our secret identity in a letter that could've fallen into someone else's hands! Brilliant! *claps sarcastically* Absolutely brilliant!

Queen Rosalina knew she had a lot on her hands and got started on the response letter’s right away.

Cassy: I'm surprised that we didn't stop for that letter, too.
Keiko: No... it's coming.

(Meanwhile)

The old woman and Elena were talking more about the princess.

Rory: Stop the plot to talk about the Sue? Ah, the usual.
Cassy: There's no plot, dude.

“So you said she had a child. How old is it?” asked the old woman. “She is a young teen. Like I said before I will talk no more of this. Has anything arrived for me?” asked Elena.

Amy: *as Elena* Never mind that, what about me?
Keiko: Wiping my behind with sandpaper would be a lot more pleasant than reading the rest of this moronic fanfic.

“No, nothing.” Said the old woman. Just then a group of people passed by the house. “I wonder what’s going on out there. Lets have a look.” Said the old woman. So they went outside and a crowd has formed around three strangers that have just arrived from a distant planet.

Cassy: Secrecy? The hell is that?

“Who are those three young ladies, they aren’t from around here. Do you know them?” asked the old woman. “Yes in matter of fact I do.” Said Elena as she walked toward the crowd. “Get back on the orders of Queen Rosalina of Galaxy, Your protector and future Queen. Return to your homes and speak nothing of this to anyone.” Commanded Elena. The crowd broke apart leaving the old woman and Elena and the three new comers alone.

Amy: *flailing* What the hell?! Why are you saying this out loud, you ignorant cretin?!
Cassy: Dude, she's just begging to be killed. The "protagonists" are assholes and they're dumb, too? Just... wow.

“It is not safe to speak out here please follow me to my home.” Said the old woman as she started for her house. “Who is she.” Asked one of the strangers. “She claims to be the last remaining lady in waiting to Princess Taracovia.” Said Elena.

Amy: *flailing* Why are you still talking to the strangers, you ignorant cretin?!
Rory: *stamps "Epic Failure" on Amy's notes* Uh, Amy? Can I write a little something here?
Amy: Yeah, sure.
Rory: Thanks. *writes* Characters have the brain power of fish food.

“Oh, before I forget Queen Rosalina Wanted me to give this to you.” Said another of the strangers. Once they all reached the old woman’s house Elena introduced each of them to the old woman. “This is Jennifer, Karoline and Dawn. A few of my fellow Scouts.

Amy: You ignorant cretin! *explodes into glitter*
Keiko: *sighs as she sweeps Amy up*
Amy: *reforms, fuming* I hate this fic!
Cassy: We all do, dude.

Now If you could excuse us we have to talk.” Said Elena. “Of course I have some shopping to do. I’ll return in a few hours.” Said the old woman as she exited her home. Elena then opened the letter from Queen Rosalina, it stated:

Dear Elena,

Keiko: ...I want some sandpaper.

Elena, do not fear the old woman, trust her. I can sense from what you have told me that she is telling the truth. Do not let anyone know your identity.

All: Too late!
Amy: That ignorant cretin.

We don’t know what we are dealing with. I am sending three Sailor Scouts to help you in your journey through the tunnels. These scouts are some of the best we have trained; they know what to do if you get into a bad situation. The scouts are Sailor Planet, Sailor Sun, and Sailor Star.

Rory: ...didn't we just see them like... six seconds ago? Doesn't she already know who they are? I... *shuts his eyes* I give up.

Please be careful.

Cassy: Too late, dude. She blabbed about her identity and could've blabbed about the identities of her allies. Y'know, I'm surprised that she didn't just rip her clothes off and run around that planet naked.
Keiko: She probably did that when we weren't looking.

I forgot to mention that Queen Zaracova has taken Lord Deon prisoner.

Rory: *annoyed* Offscreen.

Do not try to save him. I am taking this matter into my own hands. Elena, I feel as if I am falling in love with him.

Cassy: Who the hell cares? Where's Sailor Moon? For Christ's sake, the damn fic's called "Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring"!
Amy: *taps Tails's device* She's not coming back, Cassy.
Cassy: What about the fic after this one?
Amy: She's mentioned once, but she doesn't appear.
Cassy: What the fucking fuck is this shit, dude?! Nobody wants to see a fic that has her name in the damn title and she's only in the first part!
Keiko: The Suethors didn't care, Morgan. I guess we shouldn't, either.
Rory: So it is a Sailor Moon fic in name only. *sighs* That's the worst. Looks like James was accidentally correct in his guess.
Cassy: Wait, he actually guessed that they would be kicked out?
Rory: Uh-huh.
Cassy: Wow, dude. Just... wow.

I don’t know what I would do if something were to happen to him and to you and the other scouts as well. So please be careful. Try to stay away from Queen Zaracova. Use your Time Freezing magic only when necessary so that you can keep up your strength. Taracova is well I have received a letter from her. She is in a tuff situation right now.

Keiko: Must be tough to deal with that usage error.

I shall hope and pray to the immortal goddess Kida to give you strength on your mission. Give the other scouts my message as well. They will go as far as the end of the tunnels for they cannot enter the immortal realm with you. They will wait there until you have returned to the end of the tunnel.

Cassy: So... they just pop in for a few seconds and leave. They're just filler. Got it.

Take care my daughter,

Queen Rosalina

Elena sighed.

Rory: That's how I feel reading this.

“Alright first thing in the morning I’ll have the old woman lead us to the tunnels.

Amy: And then the lady backstabs them, right? Right?
Keiko: Only in a better fic.

Hopefully we won’t need to use our powers but we will still need to transform in the morning and put a cloak over our uniforms. We must not let our identities known.

Rory: But... you just... I... gah... *facepalms, sighs*
Amy: This ignorant cretin. Now she wants to use a disguise.
Keiko: These idiots just love to transform for the heck of it. This is what happens when you throw yourself in danger because you're dumb... and nobody catches it because they're dumb.

The old woman already knows my identity.

Cassy: It's not just her, you boob.

Do not fear her Galaxy say’s to trust her, so we shall. Now we must move as quiet as we can so no harm may come to the old woman, because I would think after we get Taracova from the Immortal realm she’ll want to see a familiar face from her homeland.” Commanded Elena “What are we to do if there’s trouble in the tunnels?” asked Dawn.

Rory: We know that there are tunnels and a palace, but we also don't know what the rest of this planet looks like.
Amy: This is the one time where descriptions are needed, and it's all wasted on a bunch of tunnels and what a bunch of Mary Sues change into. Priorities.

“We’ll have to fight, that’s our only option of course.” The four young wemon then dressed themselves in Nakomian clothing to set out on a patrol.

Keiko: Once again... oh, now you want to use a disguise.

“Is everyone ready?” asked Elena. They all nodded, and were out the door. “Don’t hurt anyone, and if anyone is to ask of your name tell them that you are Elena.” Said Elena. “Why are we to use your name?” asked Karoline. “Because many of them already know my name so I don’t want anyone to know yours.

Cassy: *as Elena* Especially since I blabbed my name out in front of a bunch of folks like the dumbass that I am.

Now go up and down the streets and only help those that are in need. Everyone understand?” asked Elena. “So what your saying is only help them if it is a life or death situation?” asked Jennifer. “Well, yes you could say. Now go!” exclaimed Elena. The four wemon then dispersed in different directions.

As Elena walked down an alley she heard the cries of a young child. So she quickened her pace. She turned a corner and saw a soldier holding up a young boy by his arm. “Let me go, let me go!” screamed the young boy. “First tell me the name of the stranger you spoke of, but if you don’t I’ll cut your arms and legs off and let you bleed to death you little street rat!” yelled the soldier.

Keiko: Let me get this straight. Because she blabbed her identity out, the young boy picked up on it and blabbed himself. She got him in trouble.
Rory: Why are we supposed to like her again?
Amy: Because the story said so.

“No I won’t tell you no matter…” started the boy but the soldier lifted his sword. “Put him down!” Elena yelled from the shadows. “Who’s there?” called out the guard. Elena transformed in the shadows. Once transformed she dropped her cloak and gave out a yell, “Sailors join me!” Soon Jennifer, Dawn, and Karoline appeared in their sailor uniforms. Together they formed a circle around the soldier and the young boy. “Any sudden movements and the boy gets it!” exclaimed the soldier. “Oh you really think so! Let me introduce myself. I am Sailor Time! Don’t underestimate me!” exclaimed Sailor Time.

Cassy: You can underestimate her brain power, though.

“You must be the stranger this young boy was shouting about.” Said the soldier. “Let’s make a deal you hand over the child and we won’t kill you!” laughed Sailor Planet. “Do you think I’m stupid?” asked the Soldier. “Well actually yes… Galaxican Time Freeze!” shouted Sailor Time.

Amy: Our protagonist.
Cassy: Man, I hate her.

Time froze and even the Sailors were frozen in time. Sailor Time then touched each of their shoulders. “Get the young boy Sailor Star and make a run for the old woman’s house.” Commanded Sailor Time. “Right.” Answered Sailor Star. Sailor Star took the young boy and ran. Sailor Time waited five minutes and unfroze only the soldier. “What, What… hey where’s the boy?” questioned the soldier. “I’d worry about your self! Planet and Sun ruff him up a bit will ya? We can’t have him going back untouched! Exclaimed Sailor Time.

Amy: Our protagonist.
Cassy: What is it with shitty "protagonists" beating up mooks harder than the main villain?
Keiko: Didn't you deal with that in a fic that you riffed?
Cassy: Well... he ripped a mook to shreds. Or not. I dunno, the fic ended up being just a dream.
Keiko: ...pardon?
Cassy: Hey, I was pissed, too.

“Sure will! Planet Ice Storm!” screamed Sailor Planet. “Sun Fire Explosion!” screamed Sailor Sun. A twirl of Ice circled a miniature sun. When it exploded shards of Ice and Streams of fire went everywhere. “No…” screamed the soldier.

Cassy: Did they get that useless reporter guy from "Tekken 7" to do the "screaming"?
Amy: That's a serious case of dull surprise.

When the smoke cleared the soldier tried to stand, but collapsed. “Now hear me out, I’m not Killing ya for a reason.

Rory: *as Sailor Time* We'll just let your boss kill ya instead.
Amy: I don't know, but after the attacks that were named "Planet Ice Storm" and "Sun Fire Explosion", I think you were clearly trying to kill him for a reason.
Keiko: She could've just taken him hostage instead. It would've been rather pragmatic for a "protagonist", but at least he wouldn't end up dead.

Now you tell your Queen that she has two days left to release Lord Deon to us, or we attack!” shouted Sailor Time. “Lets go girls.” Said Sailor Time. As soon as the three Sailors left

Amy: Wait, I thought there were four Sailors. Time, Planet, Sun, and Star. The Suethors can't count, either?!
Rory: There are four Scouts! There are four Scouts!

the time flow went back to normal and the soldier limped all the way to the castle.

Rory: Seriously, I'm starting to feel sorry for this guy. I mean, they beat him up, sent him limping, and we know that he's gonna die. Someone's writing it all wrong.
Cassy: So... she blabs about her identity, the kid picks up on it, prompting this soldier to go after him, and he gets roughed up for it, and now he's gonna die. And it's all Sailor Time's fault. What the hell, dudes?
Amy: They just... they just did not care about any of this, huh?
Keiko: Nope.

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