Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 15: Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring (Part Four)

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Warning: This part has a small handful of character deaths. While this is a series that is known for deaths, there is one here that is unusually cruel for this series. Proceed with caution.

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(Meanwhile)

At the Universian castle Queen Zaracova was growing restless. After torturing Lord Deon she felt as if it wasn’t enough. She wanted to kill him, but it wasn’t time yet.

Amy: Wait, why was she torturing him in the first place? We weren't told that he had any valuable information.
Cassy: No, but we needed to be told that she's evil!

“Guards send extra soldiers out into the city! I want that small boy found. Captain Raton should have been back by now!” screamed Zaracova.

Cassy: *as Zaracova* And get me a burrito from Chipotle! I swear, if there's brown rice instead of white rice, I will murder you all!

Just then the throne doors were thrown open. “Your majesty… (panting) there are four sailor scouts in the city! I almost had the boy until they showed up! The one Named Sailor Time told me to tell you that you have two days left to release Lord Deon to them, but if you don’t they will attack!” exclaimed the guard. “So Queen Rosalina thinks her puny scouts can reach my castle? Well the Nakomian people will just have to pay for the death of Captain Raton won’t they?” asked Queen Zaracova. “But I’m not dead?” questioned Captain Raton.

Rory: Uh... isn't this the part where you run for your freakin' life?!

Zaracova walked over to Captain Raton and put her hands around his neck. “You make a good point. Goodbye! Dark energy!” exclaimed Queen Zaracova. Within seconds Captain Raton fell to the ground dead. “I feel better now, and more relaxed.

Keiko: You... have problems.

Guards cancel that order. I have a better idea. Since we cannot find one mere boy, kill all of the little boy’s you can find. Newborns to ten-year-olds it doesn’t matter, and if anyone is to get in your way kill them as well. The people of Nakomia will learn to abide by my rule!” commanded Queen Zaracova.

Amy: You're killing babies?! Jesus H. Christ!
Rory: Everyone is terrible. The Sues get someone killed, and this lady's goin' round killing babies.
Keiko: And all of this wouldn't have happened if Elena simply kept her big mouth shut.

After the guards left with those orders Zaracova summoned her personal slave. “Hey you, go and tell Prince Kron that I’d like to have a word with him.” Commanded Queen Zaracova. The slave did as she was told and went and fetched Prince Kron.

Cassy: Man, this fic's trying to make her as evil as possible, huh? She's a tyrant, she kills her own soldiers, she kills babies, and now she has a slave as opposed to a servant like the "good guys" do. Y'know, Akiko would say something about a giant neon sign with the word "EVIL!" on it.

In a matter of minutes Prince Kron arrived in the throne room in a dark green satin suit and a long black cape with a sword at his side.

Rory: Ah, finally. Some description.
Amy: Oh, great. Yet another bland character.

“What is it Step mother?” asked Prince Kron “Now, now my son I am your mother why do you always call me your step mother?

Cassy: Because you didn't give birth to him? I don't know.

Never mind I have more important matter’s to discuss. I want you to go and visit Queen Rosalina and give her this Lord Deon. Also tell her that it would be my pleasure if she join me in a feast.” Said Queen Zaracova. “Very well step mother.” Answered Prince Kron as he left the throne room.

Keiko: Who wants to guess that she'll poison her dinner?
Amy: *waves her hands around* Needs more evil.

(Meanwhile)

Back in the Golden City Queen Rosalina was checking in on Princess Sensarity. The young baby girl was dressed in a pink dress. Princess Sensarity was still being kept a secret from the Sailor Scouts. The young baby was now about twenty-four month’s old.

Cassy: Two years passed and we didn't know it?
Rory: Cass? Why do I feel like I skipped straight to thirty years old? Last time I checked, I was seventeen.
Cassy: They don't know time, and neither do you, dude.

Queen Rosalina then heard a knock on the door. “One moment please!” shouted Queen Rosalina. Queen Rosalina then put the baby back in her cradle and warped her out of the room. “Come in!” exclaimed Queen Rosalina. “Your Majesty, I know you didn’t want to be disturbed but umm… Prince Kron is here from Nakomia.” Said the guard. “Very well. I shall see him in my throne room.” Commanded Queen Rosalina. The guard left the room after Rosalina gave him the orders.

Prince Kron was waiting in the throne room with Lord Deon. Lord Deon still looked tortured and half dead. When Queen Rosalina walked in, she half fainted and started to cry. “What have they done to you?” cried Queen Rosalina. “My wicked step mother Zaracova tortured him. But do not worry! Zacrem (Universian name for the power to cure.)!” shouted Prince Kron.

Amy: Blah (Riffer name for the power of carelessness)!

Suddenly Lord Deon was cured and returned back to his charming self.

Keiko: Didn't know that a lack of a personality was "charming".

Rosalina was full of anger and misery all at the say time.

Rory: I was full of hunger, boredom... and the urge to use the bathroom or something.

Rosalina full of anger said, “I thought I made it clear that he was to be unharmed.” Galaxy’s body was glowing with golden power.

“It wasn’t my doing. I had no intention of doing this. You must believe me,” said Prince Kron. “I already know that. If you were evil your powers wouldn’t work here.” Screamed Rosalina. Rosalina disappeared.

Rory: Why's she screaming at him?
Amy: I don't know. I don't care.
 

(At the palace of Zaracova)

Before she appeared there, her powers sealed every entrance to the throne room where Queen Zaracova was. Zaracova stood up and demanded to know what was going on.

Keiko: We're in "Carrie", aren't we?

Rosalina appeared with her golden eyes and body glowing. Queen Zaracova stood up and said, “You have no business her Queen Rosalina. Leave my castle at once!” “I warned you, Zaracova. Now you will feel my power!” Said Queen Rosalina raising her hand. She was about to strike Zaracova when she heard a male voice behind her shout, “Wait!” Rosalina turned around and saw Prince Kron keeping Lord Deon captive. “Kill him son!” yelled Zaracova. ”Your not my mother! Stop calling me son! I am King of Nakomia and I will overthrow you!” shouted Prince Kron.

All: Wait, what?
Cassy: Where'd this random "plot twist" come from?
Rory: Thin air... or from the butts of the Suethors.

Queen Rosalina gasped and her glowing died down. “What do you mean she’s not your mother?” asked Queen Rosalina. “I don’t know who my real mother is. I was told she died when I was a baby in a war, and I have recently been told that I had a sister! Ever since I was told that my mother is dead and that I have a sister I’ve felt all alone.

Amy: Then that means that his mother is Novia... and his sister is Taracova. *throws her hands up* Wow, what a twist!
Keiko: *bored* What thrilling writing.

Queen Rosalina I will take Lord Deon back to safety on only two conditions.” Said Prince Kron “Yes, and what are those?” asked Queen Rosalina. “You will take him no where!” shouted Queen Zaracova. “Oh shut-up! Or I’ll kill you myself!” shouted Prince Kron. “Just ignore her she can’t harm you, I have her where I want her it’s too late.” Said Queen Rosalina. “Well first your have to help me overthrow Queen Zaracova, and second you must help me find my sister!” exclaimed Prince Kron.

Amy: You're saying all of this in front of Zaracova, who can kill you, you dummy!

“What are you talking about? You don’t have a sister!” yelled Zaracova.

Rory: He found GalaxyAncestry.com. Trust me, he knows.

Rosalina and Kron both ignored her and went on with their conversation.

Cassy: You idiots are ignoring a murderous tyrant! What the hell, dudes?!

“Well the first one I was planning to do myself anyway. And as for the second who is your sister and what is her name?” asked Rosalina. “My sister Is known to be immortal, because it is law that the first born female child must serve The immortal goddess Kida. As for her name I was never told.” Said Prince Kron.

Keiko: It's fine if he doesn't know, but don't write this as if the audience has amnesia. We know who his sister is. In fact, she bragged about her status in the previous fics. Anyone with a working brain has already figured this out.

“Well, I do know where your sister is, but we will handle one thing at a time. Now Queen Zaracova under my command you will call off all your soldiers now!,” said Queen Rosalina

“I will never call them off. This is my kingdom. I will rule the way I want to, no matter what you say!,” screamed Queen Zaracova.

Amy: *as Zaracova* Besides, you should've deposed me three fics ago, you dummy.

“I will leave this to you, Queen Rosalina,” said Prince Kron. Prince Kron than disappeared taking Lord Deon back to the Golden City.

Queen Rosalina raised her hand and her whole body was glowing again. “Now you will feel my power!” At that Queen Rosalina raised her hand and a golden key appeared. She shouted, “Galaxy Golden Power!” Queen Rosalina transformed into sailor Galaxy. She again held her hand high and called forth the Galaxy Imperial Crystal Staff. “I call upon the power of gold. Let your power flow through my veins, Galaxy Golden Transformation!” Queen Rosalina was transformed into the goddess of gold: Sailor Galaxy.

Cassy: When'd she get that title?
Rory: Since like... two seconds ago.
Amy: Wait, she transformed into Sailor Galaxy, back into Queen Rosalina, and then back into Sailor Galaxy.
Rory: *confused*
Cassy: What the hell, dude?
Keiko: This is the worst short term memory I have ever seen.

“Guards! Attack her!” Queen Zaracova commanded. The guards rushed immediately towards Sailor Galaxy.

Sailor Galaxy raised her staff and all the guards on the entire planet froze in their place.

Keiko: Of course. Had to make way for her Mary Sue abilities.

“What did you do to them?” asked Queen Zaracova. Queen Zaracova walked down from her throne platform, getting closer to Sailor Galaxy.

Sailor Galaxy, noticing how close Queen Zaracova was getting to her, pointed out her staff at Queen Zaracova. Queen Zaracova moved no further.

“I simply froze them in time,” said Sailor Galaxy. “I can easily do the same to you, but that will take the fun out of it,” threatened Sailor Galaxy.

Cassy: You could've stopped her by doing that!
Keiko: *whacks Sailor Galaxy on the head with her unsheathed sword* Moron.

Sailor Galaxy raised her golden staff and pointed it at Queen Zaracova. “If you know what’s good for you, you better step down from the throne at once.” Galaxy threatened as the golden portal to the immortal realm opened.

Cassy: You're really expecting her to listen to you, dude?

As the gate fully opened Zaracova saw a beautiful women step through. She had silver hair, and a long silver shimmering evening gown surrounding her body.

Rory: Wow, what a Suetiful description.
Amy: Oh, great. It's her.

“Zaracova, I’d like to introduce you to my alley from the immortal Realm, the one

Rory: *as Galaxy* ...that has a raging dumpster fire!

you have been searching for! I present to you Princess Taracovia otherwise known as the Immortal goddess Taracovia.” Galaxy moved forward towards Taracovia.

“It’s been a long time. I have made my decision. I will return home, to protect you as always. I found her, I really found her.” Taracovia turned around and gave her mother a hug. “Mother I love you, and I will take back the throne, but not for me , but for you. I will restore the throne to my daughter.” Taracovia backed away from the portal.

Caranovia came through the portal as well and hugged her grandmother. “I will restore peace to Nakomia, I will rule as my mother would of. Out of love.” Caranovia left the portal.

Queen Novia looked at Rosalina and said, “Rosalina you look just like your mother! My daughter will be a great Queen someday.” As the two goddesses turned they heard Queen Novia scream as she burned in flames.

Amy, Keiko, Rory: *stunned*
Cassy: Dude, that was so fuckin' metal.
Amy: It's "metal" to you, but it's way out of place for this series... well, out of place for the anime version. She should've disappeared into light or something.
Rory: She didn't even say goodbye or nothing. Wow.
Keiko: "Sailor Moon" in name only.

Tears ran down her daughters face, and she never looked back.

Keiko: If this was supposed to show a humanizing moment for Taracova... it's not going to work. She's going to revert to her true disgusting self shortly.

(Meanwhile)

Sailor Time was in the tunnels heading towards the castle. She stopped in her tracks when she noticed a man dressed in a silver suit, cape and a mask like Tuxedo Mask. “Who are you?” Sailor Time stood in her battle stance. She through off her robe and so did the others.

Amy: Well, let's just say that he's not Tuxedo Mask, since those Suethors threw him out harder than a bad three pointer attempt.
Keiko: It's Kron, isn't it?
Rory: How'd you jump to that conclusion?
Keiko: He is the only guy in this idiotic fanfic. He's also the only guy who's actually attempting to do something. I swear, these fics have a terrible track record of being incredibly anticlimactic with their bland "plot twists".

“I have been waiting for you Sailor Time. All of you follow me, Queen Rosalina and Queen Zaracova are battling in the throne room. And I bet right about now she could use some back up.”

“If what he says is true we must follow him! She might be in danger.” Sailor Orbit came to stand in front of Sailor Time. “I will go first incase this is a trap!”

“I assure you it is not a trap. I am on your side. I am known as the Guardian of the Universe!”

Cassy: No, you're not, dude. Shut up.

Shocked Sailor Time came forward. “Fine we will come, but if this is a trap pray that Kida will spare your life!” The Senshi followed the guardian through the remainder of the tunnels and up into the pantry. Through the pantry he led them to the throne room. They had just arrived in time to see someone burn in flames but it was no one she knew. She saw Zaracova standing right in front of the throne and Taracovia standing beside Caranovia looking at Zaracova as if she were trash.

Keiko: And there's her true disgusting self.

“Well I’m tired of your interference and I warned you to leave my castle! Now you will feel my wrath! Nega-thunder strike!” Zaracova’s attack was aimed toward Rosalina.

“Watch out!” Taracovia cried as she pushed Rosalina out of the way and took on the attack. Taracovia screamed and smoke had arisen around her.

All: ..
Amy: Taracova's going to die now.
Cassy: *leaps off of the couch* Whoo-hoo! I've been waiting for the day where a shitty character finally gets offed! I've been waiting for a very long time!
Amy: Cassy, you sat through Dusk's death.
Cassy: Yeah, but he died because Shadow turned into a game breaker Stu. I'm talking about a legit death, dude.
Keiko: After what she put the last three groups through... she won't be missed.

“No! Sister!” yelled the Guardian.

Keiko: And there's the "plot twist".

The Senshi looked at the guardian for they did no know that he was related to Taracovia.

Rory: Thanks for holding our hands.

He rushed toward her. As the smoke cleared away they saw that Taracovia in the form of Sailor Universe as hard as stone.

Amy, Keiko, Rory: *looks at Cassy*
Cassy: Did this broken ass Sue just turn into a monument?

“She has fulfilled her destiny! And I have finally found her after centuries—and you took her away from me!”

Rory: *raises a hand* Actually, she took the blow for Sailor Galaxy.

He stood and drew his sword. “Universe Guardian Deadly rage!” A black vortex engulfed him and another had engulfed Zaracova. Together they screamed as it sucked their energy dry. When it was though they both lie on the floor with little energy left.

Amy: Uh... that doesn't sound like an attack to me.
Cassy: I'm just waiting for one of them to pull out a cigarette.

“Now I will regain my throne—“ he tried to stand but couldn’t.

“No, You cannot accept it you are male!” Zaracova laughed and panted.

“Well he can’t but I can!” Caranovia stepped forward and the other Senshi came and lined up behind her as if to give her support.

“You cannot either. You are not of royal blood! I am Queen and I shall rein forever!”

“That is where you are wrong!

Amy: *as Caranovia* Because the correct word is actually "reign"! I win by default now!
Keiko: Not of royal blood? Zaracova isn't related to Novia or her descendants. Why is she on the throne, then?
Rory: Uh... because.

I am of royal blood. I am the Immortal goddess Caranovia. Uncle help me to put her away.” She walked over to where the guardian sat and helped him up.

“Who are you?” he asked as he pulled off his mask. “I am Prince Kron of Nakomia. Taracovia is my biological sister.”

Rory: This sounds robotic as heck. *as Kron* Now, biological niece, let us combine our metaphorical strengths so we can rid this planet of the evil that inhabits it.
Cassy: Dude, you've been pretty sharp during this thing. That's scaring me a little.
Rory: *as he scratches the back of his head* Heh, James told me that this fic would be crummy and I'd have to put my game face on.

“I am your niece Caranovia. I am also Sailor Destiny. You see I am Taracovia’s daughter!” She looked at the trembling Queen. “You will pay for what you have done to my mother’s mother.

Amy: In human terminology, we call that "grandmother".

You have just dealt the same attack on my mother. You will no longer see the light of day as you know it now.”

Amy: Uh... she took the blow that was aimed at Sailor Galaxy.
Keiko: I find it utterly ridiculous that these people didn't care until one of their own died. And they are supposed to be the protagonists? *scoffs* What a joke.

Together Caranovia and Kron chanted, “We shall ask you almighty Kida to send her away. Far away where no one lives. Let her live and die alone in total darkness for as long as she lives. Universe Deadly Teleport!” A black bubble had formed over Zaracova and transported her to her destination where she’ll never be heard from again.

Keiko: So... it's Hell, then?
Rory: We're talking about this room, right?
Keiko: If you want to.

“What are we going to do now? Our strongest warrior is dead!” Sailor Planet walked over and touched Sailor Universe’s stone body.

Cassy: *blows a party favor, throws confetti*
Amy: Know what the dumb thing is? The deaths of Novia and Taracova were actually preventable. Taracova's death wouldn't have happened if Rosalina just froze Zaracova in place earlier. Actually, this whole conflict should've ended about two or three parts ago.
Rory: Man, these folks do not think at all. Wow.

“I’m sorry to interrupt but it is time for me to return to my rightful era in time. It has been a nice time that I have spent with all of you and

Cassy: A "nice time"?! Your friend's dead, you bloodied anus! What the fuck, dude?!
Rory: I hope I'm not this horrible if you kick the bucket before I do, Cass.
Cassy: You won't. I know that Kyo will. He'll give a poignant eulogy... then he'll cremate me with love.

I can’t wait to see all of you again. I must go back to the future and once again protect my mother and daughter. Goodbye and good luck.” Sailor Time said as she shouted: “Galaxican Time Travel.” Sailor Time disappeared back into the future taking the immortal ring with her.

Amy: *as Sailor Time* Yeah, my best friend's dead. Whatever, I'm going home. Peace.
Keiko: I'm sorry, they were supposed to be friends?
Amy: *shrugs*

“The only thing we can do.”

“What?”

“Go on with our lives. Universe would want us to continue our lives and only hope that better things can come in the future.

Keiko: Since when did she care about anyone other than herself? Don't give us that fake humility.

Maybe just one day we can find a way to bring her back.

Amy: Please don't.

It will be hard at first, but we can get through this. The war here has ended and peace has been restored. This is the day that Taracova has waited all her life for.

Cassy: Since when?
Amy: Since this fic.

We shall never forget her and we will have a holiday named after her.

Rory: ...why?

Let us go home and pray that things will get better.” Rosalina hid her tears. She would deeply miss not just her protector but her best friend!

Keiko: I thought that Elena was her best friend. Oh, never mind.

I know what I must do now. I must build something in memory of Sailor Universe, my protector and Best Friend.

Cassy: Put a damn plaque on her stone body and wait a decade.

They all cried as they left the Castle and returned to the Golden City of Galaxy. The only one that remained in Nakomia was the new Queen. Queen Caranovia.

Keiko: And she'll probably be a tyrant like her mother and the person who previously occupied the throne.
Rory: Maybe they should just blow that castle up. It's probably cursed or something.

To be continued in

It’s sequel:

Sailor Moon—Only Time Will Tell!

Amy: Guess what? That's not the name of that sequel. It's actually called "Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn".
Cassy: They can't even keep up with their own fic titles?! How off are these people?!
Rory: Holy crap, they really didn't care!
Keiko: Perhaps that was the beta title and they didn't bother to change the name here.
Cassy: Yeah, you're probably right. Anyone got any proof of that?
Amy: Yep. This is what it says on an archived page... *reads* "Now we've decided to change the title of Sailor Moon Only time will tell to Sailor Moon: A Culture Reborn."
Keiko: Just as I thought. Can't tell you how many times we've seen people forget to update their notes. Well, at least we're done here.
Rory: *weakly* Yay.
Amy: Wait, I forgot one more thing. If Sailor Sueniverse is supposed to be the "upgraded" form of Sailor Moon, why does the next fic have Sailor Moon's name in it if the "upgrade" is dead and the original doesn't show up at all?
Cassy, Keiko, Rory: *silent*
Amy: Never mind, this fic's a failure. I give up. I should never have used logic.
Rory: Well, at least your brain still works.
Cassy: Nice statement coming from you, dude.
Rory: Heh.

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