Mystery Science Theater En Masse
Four Riffers, Episode 15: Sailor Moon and the Immortal Ring (Part Two)
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(Meanwhile)
Even though Caranovia regains her powers and her memory, she still has some feeling of Nacreia left in her. “Well I’d hate to ruin your hot date with Orion and all but I have better things to do. Like saving the world from the likes of you.
Cassy: You're an asshole, dude. I get that she's the
enemy and all... but you just taunted her over the death of her lover.
Rory: *with a forced smile* I love my riffing career.
Behold the true power of DESTINY! Destiny Immortal Power! (Caranovia turns into her true form the immortal goddess Caranovia. She then uses her power to teleport.) Destiny Immortal Teleportation!” Shouted Sailor Destiny.
“No! She’s gone, now I’ll never get to see Orion again.” Said Princess Emma.
Keiko: You blasted moron! I knew that this
would happen! *as she repeatedly whacks Emma on the head with her unsheathed
sword* What! Did! I! Tell! You!
Amy: We're sorry that your lover died. Still... that wasn't smart.
(Meanwhile)
Rosalina entered her chambers and ordered her maids to get out the best gown that she has. The maids returned with a golden color ball gown with pure gold earrings and a pearl necklace.
Amy: If anyone makes a crack at "pearl necklace",
I will smack you.
Cassy: Then you better smack yourself, dude.
Amy: *frowns*
In the matter of minutes she was dressed and went into the throne room and awaited the arrival of Lord Deon. Five minutes later the palace bell rang and the maid brought Lord Deon to the throne room.
Keiko: And here comes another character that we will not care about.
“Lord Deon it is nice to see you again. If you will follow me to the conference room, we can begin our meeting.” Said Queen Rosalina as she rose from her throne.
“Queen Rosalina, may I say that you look radiant tonight. Have you given any thought at all to my suggestions about the peace agreement between our plants”? Asked Lord Deon as he sat down.
Rory: Aw, man! We're gonna halt the plot for "Star Wars"
prequel junk! I don't wanna see Palpatine address the Galactic Senate again!
Amy: Between our plants?
Keiko: *facepalms, groans*
“Why Lord Deon you look mighty fine yourself tonight. Yes, I’ve given some thought, but you can tell Queen Zaracova that as long as she is on the throne I will agree to nothing that she offers, because although nobody else knows what she did on the Day of Destiny I will never forget her actions.” Queen Rosalina said with a fire in her tone.
Cassy: Someone needs to put that fire out.
“I will tell her exactly as you say, your majesty. Do you know what happened to the missing princess of Nakomia?” Asked Lord Deon.
“Who wants to know, you or Zaracova?” Queen Rosalina said as the maids entered the room with a tray of tea and cookies.
“Well, Zaracova wants to know if you have seen this princess.” Answered Lord Deon.
Rory: *as Lord Deon* Her picture was on our milk cartons recently.
“Well you can tell Queen Zaracova that yes I have seen this child, but further information about her whereabouts is none of her concern. All she needs to know is that she is safe and she’ll stay that way.” Replied Queen Rosalina.
Amy: We're getting another character?
Cassy: No, it's supposed to be Sueniverse.
Amy: Oh.
All of a sudden Sailor Planet runs into the room and says: “Excuse me your majesty, we have heard word from Caranovia. She is back to her old self and headed to the immortal realm! What should we do?”
Cassy: Panic!
Keiko: ...no.
“Lord Deon, I’m sorry but you’ll have to excuse me. I’m sure we can meet again. Maybe over dinner or something.” Replied Queen Rosalina with a great concern. Rosalina then rose and as she left the room she transformed into Sailor Galaxy. Stunned by the transformation Lord Deon sank into the chair full of confusion about many things.
Keiko: *whacks Rosalina over the head with her unsheathed
sword* Moron!
Amy: What's that about keeping an identity secret?
Rory: I don't get it. That's one of the most basic rules of that
universe, and she...
Cassy: She pissed all over it.
Rory: Yeah, thanks, Cassy.
Sailor Galaxy joined the other scouts, and said: “It’s time Zaracova left the throne. Girls we have work to do without bringing destruction to the whole planet. We will simply use blackmail.
Amy: Our protagonists, folks!
I will arrange a meeting for Zaracova to come here and we will take it from there. Sailor Time I want you to meet me in the conference room. I have something I want to show you.”
Sailor Time did as Sailor Galaxy asked. When they were both there Galaxy then sat down across from Sailor Time. “I have something I want to show you.” Said Sailor Galaxy.
Rory: Uh... she knows that you have something to show her. You said that like... six seconds
ago.
Keiko: Did a herpes infested gerbil write this?
Rory: Hey. Quit being mean to the gerbils.
She than pulled from her neck a necklace with what seemed to be a ring attached.
Amy: *holds up the name of the fic's title* Hmm. I wonder what it is. It couldn't possibly be what the title's name is.
“Where did you get that?” asked Sailor Time astonished.
“Sailor Universe gave it to me when she first came here, she was only nine years old then.”
“How old is she now?” asked Sailor Time.
“I’m not quite sure, she no longer ages so she doesn’t have an age. That is she doesn’t want one.” Answered Sailor Galaxy.
Cassy: Okay, cut her in half and count the rings.
“Sailor Galaxy, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you show the ring to me?” asked Sailor Time.
“When I said that I knew someone who can withstand the Immortal Realm only for a few minutes, well… I was referring to you. When you took us back in time I saw this ring on your finger, I’m guessing it was a bond between you and Taracova to unite your friendship with one another. Am I correct?” asked Sailor Galaxy.
Amy: What bond?! That horrible Sue kicked Elena to the curb once she became Queen Sue!
“Yes, you are but I’m not sure what you’re asking of me?” Asked Sailor Time.
“Your Title “Sailor Time” it was under our noses all the time, can’t you see! You are the beholder of the ring.
All: Dur-hay!
Rory: I'm also not gonna bother with a "Lord of the Rings" joke, either.
Too easy.
You must help Caranovia save her mother and restore the throne of Nakomia to the rightful heir!” exclaimed Sailor Galaxy.
“Alright I’ll help but, do I have to go alone?” asked Sailor Time.
Rory: Lady, you're a Sue. Why're you whining? *as Sailor
Time* I mean, I can do all of these things, but that's... work!
Keiko: Sues hate work, Hancock.
Rory: They're not gonna last an hour working in my shop, then.
“Yes, you see the others cannot enter the realm. So go! Please save Taracova!” exclaimed Sailor Galaxy.
Sailor Time then teleported to Nakomia. Once she reached Nakomia she hid behind some buildings and powered down to her human form. “Now to find a way to the palace.” She said. Elena walked toward the palace, every once in a while she would see two or three people just staring at her.
“Excuse me Miss, I know you probably wouldn’t answer this but are you a Sailor Scout? Have you come to save us?” asked a little boy.
“Well, just between us ok? I am a Sailor Scout, but I am not here to save you, not today.” Answered Elena.
Amy: I thought that a Scout was supposed to be for love
and justice. This just comes off as callous, number one. And number two...
Keiko: *whacks Elena over the head with her unsheathed sword* Number two,
don't admit that you're a Scout in front of random civilians... you moron.
“Mommy! She is one!” yelled the little boy. Everyone gasped. An old woman grabbed Elena by the arm and said, “Follow me, incase a patrol unit heard the boy.” Elena followed the old woman into her home. “What’s the matter with everyone? Why did the boy ask me if I were a Sailor Scout?” questioned Elena.
Cassy: Someone just had to be dumb to further the plot.
“Well Queen Zaracova is an Evil woman. She kills anyone who does not obey the law, even a child. All of us Nakomians are waiting for the day that the almighty Sailor Universe will return and win back the throne that is rightfully hers! Tell me child are you really a Sailor Scout?” asked the old woman. “Tell me first why I should trust you?” asked Elena.
Rory: I mean, you spilled your secret to a little kid
less than a minute ago.
Amy: I think these fics really are gaslighting us.
“I am the last lady in waiting to Princess Taracovia. The others were killed shortly after the princess fled. I escaped with the help of a Sailor Scout.” Said the old woman. “What Sailor Scout?” asked Elena. “Sailor Time.” Answered the old woman. “Well, it just happens that I am a Sailor Scout. My name is Elena, former best friend to Princess Taracovia, until she told me on the Day of Destiny that she never wanted to see me again and she blamed me for her mother’s death.
Cassy: Some best friend she is. Tch.
Keiko: Can you imagine if she admitted all of this to an underling of
Queen Zaracova? Can you imagine if this was all a setup to a trap?
Amy: You're using logic. Also, that would work in the hands of better
writers.
The reason I am here in Nakomia is to enter the Immortal Realm using this ring, but the gateway is inside the palace walls.” Said Elena. “I can show you a way to get to the gateway but it won’t be easy. There are patrol units everywhere.
Rory: Did Nakomia turn into Robotropolis when we weren't looking?
If I were to be seen helping you I could be sentenced to death! But I will risk it, if you are willing to help us find Princess Taracovia?” asked the old woman. “I know where the Princess is, she’s alive and well, she is Immortal.
Keiko: She's also a pain in our rear ends.
She fled after her mother was killed. She fled to The Golden City of Galaxy, but I’m afraid she disappeared back to the Immortal realm where I must go and save her, so that she may overthrow Zaracova. Did you know that Princess Taracovia has a daughter?” asked Elena. “Who is her husband?” asked the old woman. “She’s still a virgin and single she gave birth to her daughter spiritually because she is spiritually Sailor Moon, but a higher version.” Said Elena.
Amy: She's a dumber version. Also, she's not the
Virgin Mary. Stop that.
Rory: *confused* They had... spirit sex?
Amy: Yes.
Rory: How in the ass does that work?!
Amy: *mumbles* I dunno.
“I see, what is her daughter’s name?” asked the old woman. “That I cannot tell you. I’ve already told you far too much.
Keiko: Says the moron who admitted that she was a Scout in front of a random boy.
As long as you tell no one of what I spoke of, I will protect the Nakomians.” Said Elena. “Before I take you to the tunnels, Tell me as a Sailor Scout what is your name?” asked the old woman. “I am Sailor Time now take me!” commanded Elena.
Cassy: Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Keiko: I cannot tell if LeMaire has rubbed off on you... or vice versa.
Rory: Hey, you jerk. Don't boss the old lady around. Respect your elders or
I'll kick your ass.
Amy: Well! That's something coming from you, Rory.
Rory: Heh. Should've clarified. Respect your elders if they aren't jerks.
Keiko: Obviously.
“So you have returned! I warn you do not tell anyone else that you are here; I mean just don’t tell anyone that you are a Sailor Scout.
All: Too late!
As long as you are here you are welcome in my home I have plenty of room. Now follow me.” commanded the old woman. “Wait I have a better idea.” Said Elena. The old woman turned around and said, “What is it?” Elena simply replied, “Hold my hand and I will show you.” The old woman did like she was told and took Elena’s hand. Suddenly with the golden glow of Elena’s eyes their surroundings began to spin. “Galaxcian Time Freeze!” Shouted Elena. Astonished the old woman says, “You have mastered the ancient art of Time Freeze!” Elena and the old woman begin their journey to the palace.
Cassy: And she didn't drop dead?
Keiko: That's what it said. She can't die like Pluto can.
Cassy: ...I hate Mary Sues, dude.
Amy: If Zaracova can sense power usage like that, that was a very
dumb idea. Oh, wait, I'm using logic. Silly me!
(Meanwhile)
When Caranovia arrived at the immortal realm the immortal goddess Kida welcomed her.
Rory: Too... many... characters...
Amy: Hey, she was mentioned since the beginning. Of course we'd end up
seeing her sooner or later.
“Welcome Caranovia. Thank you for giving us the honor of your visit. What can I do for you?”
Cassy: *chanting* End the fic! End the fic!
“I’m here to save my mother Taracovia. And to persuade her to overthrow Zaracova.” Said Caranovia. “Oh, you are here to save your mother, very well you have saved her Caranovia but the question is, does she want to leave?” asked Kida.
Keiko: Excuse me? She just saved her out of the blue?
What is happening?
Amy: I... don't even know.
“I don’t know…” started Caranovia. “Of course you don’t. Only Taracovia can answer that question. You may find her at the oasis behind the immortal palace.” Said Kida. “Thanks” Said Caranovia as she started running towards the oasis.
As Caranovia reached the oasis, Taracovia was surprised to see her daughter alive. “Caranovia, my child you are alive!” exclaimed Taracovia.
Cassy: Yeah, I mean, you kinda left her to rot and all, dude...
“Yes mother I have come to save you! Please come home with me. Zaracova has sent search guards frequently to the Golden City I have heard. Honestly she must be up to something.” Cried Caranovia. “I understand, but I am not ready to leave yet. Caranovia I’d like you to meet someone.” Said Taracovia. “Who mother? I’ve already met Kida?” asked Caranovia. “I’d like you to meet my mother, your grandmother… Queen Novia of the Universian Nakomian Kingdom.” Replied Taracovia.
Rory: I thought she was dead. Wait... what? *holds his head, groans* This fic is hurting me.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Caranovia. The child of Destiny as I recall. Tell me what is Zaracova up to?” asked Queen Novia. “Well she kills people for pleasure, even children. The Nakomian’s fear her! Taracovia, mother you must save them and regain the throne!” cried Caranovia.
Amy: If this was such a gigantic problem, why did you all
sit on your butts for three fics and suddenly decided to care now? You know, Neo
Queen Serenity would've done something immediately.
Cassy: Uh, question.
Amy: Yes?
Cassy: The last fic mentioned a situation on some star named "Rindas~".
Are we going back to that?
Amy: At least Tails's device scans more than characters. Let's check.
*taps the device* We're not. And it's not in the fic after this one, either.
Keiko: Great. We have a dropped plot thread.
Rory: Hey, what about those other characters that poofed in the first
fic? Those... "Nega Scouts" or whatever?
Cassy: Yeah, and what about the Wicken Sisters?
Amy: I don't even need this device to know that those groups probably aren't
coming back. Sueniverse probably killed the Nega Scouts along with the Doom Phantom and
Prince Diamond. And the Wicken Sisters are probably space surfing or whatever.
“I can save them indeed my daughter, but I’m afraid that once a royal Nakomian flees their planet. They forfeit the throne. It is law. I cannot accept the throne the next royal Nakomian will take the throne.” Said Taracovia. “But mother you don’t have any direct brother’s or sister’s you only have a step brother. So then who?” asked Caranovia.
Cassy: It's you, dumbass. She popped you out of her
crotch, for fuck's sake.
Rory: No, it was "spirit sex", remember?
Cassy: Ugh.
“My child of course. You Caranovia are the heir to the throne.” Answered Taracovia. Coming from the shadows Kida appeared. “So you’ve met your grandmother, and you’ve found your mother. Now it is time for the answer Taracovia, but there is one catch to it all.” Said Kida. “What?” asked Taracovia in a state of bewilderment.
“Listen, You have two choices. You can stay here in the immortal realm and become the next immortal goddess queen, or you can go home to Queen Rosalina and continue to protect her and keep your immortal powers.” Said Kida. “Ok. But what is the catch?” asked Taracovia. “The catch is… your mother.” Replied Kida. “I don’t understand?” said Taracovia in bewilderment.
Amy: Neither do we. Also, that's not a statement. That's a question.
“What I mean is if you choose to stay here your mother will live and become immortal, but unable to leave the immortal realm. And if you choose to leave you mother will die, and no one not even I can revive her. The choice is yours! You have three days. Caranovia you are welcome to stay.” Said Kida as she disappeared.
Amy: Wait, now the main Sue's mother is going to
die for real? What was the point of faking her death just for this to happen?
Keiko: Padding.
Cassy: With what? Packing peanuts and bubble wrap?
Rory: Don't forget those little air packet thingies.
Taracovia stood there in shock because if she left her mother would die, but if she didn’t leave Queen Rosalina’s life may be in danger.
Rory: We know! Jeez louise!
“Mother I love you very much, but I made a deal with Kida remember?” asked Taracovia. “Yes I know, but promise me one thing.” Said Queen Novia. “Anything!” exclaimed Taracovia. “Don’t forget me!” exclaimed Queen Novia. “I’m going to think on it some more mother, and I’ll never forget you. I’m going to go and rest. I’m going to write a letter to Queen Rosalina. I won’t make my decision until I receive word from her about the world and what is happening.” Said Taracovia.
Keiko: If I'm going to be honest, this is an awful choice
to make.
Cassy: And if this was better, it would be a decent fic that would have
this plot point centered
around it. Too bad that we already know that these two Suethors have dropped the
ball before. She's going to leave, and her mom's going to die. I can see it
coming.
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