Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part Eighteen)

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Note: Your main riffers for this part are Miyu, Mai, and Akiko.

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Chapter 18 - The Reason Why We Go on a Journey

Mai: *crosses out "we" and puts "I" above it* Now the title is accurate.
Akiko: This isn't a journey. This is just a Mary Sue running around like she's the best thing since sliced bread!
Mai: Exactly.

"WHAT!!? Calling off the tournament!?"
Terry shouted with enough enthusiasm for his hat to almost fall off. Chizuru answered calmly.
"We're not calling it off, just postponing it."

Miyu: No! No, no, no, no, no! There's yet another canon error! All of the events that involved Orochi didn't happen until after the tournament ended! That's even shown in the actual game! The sixth team is defeated, the winners will be congratulated, and then they'll have to deal with all of the Orochi stuff immediately after that!

The familiar cast of the KoF tournament were called back into Tokyo during the second rounds and were now gathered in the president's office of the Kagura Enterprise Building in Shinjuku.
"We are currently facing a crisis, probably larger than any of your are imagining. It is nessesary to eliminate the problem before continuing the contest."

Mai: So... they have to kill the Sue?
Miyu: That's our crisis, Mai. You know that those zombies have to deal with something else.
Mai: Oh, right. They have to kiss her behind and leave hickeys all over it.

Ralf pulled his huge hand out from his jeans and scratched his nose. His eyes were directed at Kira, standing next to Chizuru, framed by the afternoon light pouring in from the window.

Akiko: Why is this Sue always near light? And why does fic shill her every time she's near it?
Miyu: Because it's "symbolism". Remember? Her power involves light.
Akiko: ...this is lame. My sister Haruka didn't need to be under a lamppost every time I saw her!

"So, we're involved in the 'eliminating' part?"
".....yes."
"Hm, I see. But I gotta tell you that most of us here has worked hard to participate in this tournament, lady. This better be a real crisis if you expect us to help."

Akiko: You're questioning her! That's a cardinal sin when it comes to dealing with a Mary Sue!

Chizuru glanced at Kira and Fubuki, anxious of how much to tell the people.
"I  understand, Mr. Jones. I will explain everything to you all."
"Kira san!?"
"I can't hide anything if I'm going to get them involved in this, Chizuru san."
Kira stepped forward as the low murmur that buzzed in the room died down.

Mai: Oh, great. Now everyone has to listen to her vomit her garbage out.

"I believe all of you have an idea of this because of the 'accident' that happened during the KoF 96 tournament, but this tournament somehow is deeply involved with the Orochi clan."
"I knew it."
King shook her head at the dreaded name.
"This is not only because the nemesis of the Orochi clan, the Kusanagi, Yagami, and Kagura is involved, but also because it is easy for them to collect large amounts of energy from tournaments like this one."
"Energy...?"
Terry raised his brows.
"Yes. Living organisms all over the world are emitting some kind of energy. Humans let out large amount of high-quality energy; and the amount of energy collected at large celebrations and events are innumerable."

Akiko: And then they created a spirit bomb with it!
Manic: *laughs*
Miyu: Um... I have some huge problems with this part. The Sue just spoiled what Orochi Yashiro was going to say, so she just stole his line and the suspense that went with it. Also... I think she's going to steal Chizuru's place as the third member of the Sacred Treasures trio.
Mai: *facepalms* You have got to be kidding me.
Axl: Uh... can I still get a stamp, Jayleen?
Jayleen: Of course you can, James.
Axl: Good. Stamp mine, please.
Jayleen: Alright, then.

Kim leaned back on the wall and folded his arms over his broad chest.
"I see. But what are the Orochi clan going to do with such energy?"
"The Orochi clansmen usually manipulate this energy that flows in the atmosphere to use their special powers. That may be what can be considered miracles or catastrophes....but to do this, they wouldn't need to collect energy."
Ryo scratched his head with a cofused expression.
"Then...why are they collecting energy for....??"

"Probably to resurrect Orochi himself."

Miyu: And there's even more spoiling. That was supposed to serve as a last-minute surprise, Suethor! Ugh, this canon defilement is ridiculous!

"!!!"
A burst of uneasy whispers spread through the crowd like ripples in the water. Kyo narrowed his eyes in deep thought.
"The 'God' Goenitz was saying last year...?"

Tails: *as he boots up his Miles Electric* Kyo? Did he mention Orochi at all?
Kyo K.: I remember him mentioning the Orochi power, but not Orochi itself. I'm just surprised that my dumber half put two and two together in this fic.

Kira continued, ignoring the still restless crowd.
"It is said that the soul of the Orochi sleeps in one of the bodies of the Eight Orochi Warriors. Every 100 years, the Orochi awakens, triggered by the overwhelming amount of energy packed in the air."
Leona silently absorbed the information.
"Wait a minute, Kira, it hasn't been 100 years since the last awakening?"
"You're right, Kyo. It's only 87 years to be exact. This is because someone is trying to wake the Orochi."
Chizuru turned to the crowd.
"Goenitz used Rugal in KoF '95 and killed my sister 6 years ago for this exact reason."

Akiko: Oh, come on! They weren't that technical!
Mai: You're right. It was only mentioned that the seal was weakening once Chizuru's sister was killed.
Miyu: Uh... also... Goenitz didn't use Rugal. He gave him some of the Orochi power before KOF '94 because Rugal survived the attack that took his right eye out. And he didn't use that power until the end of that tournament.
Tails: Well, one entry says that Goenitz gave Rugal some of the Orochi power to see if he could be a valid host for Orochi itself as an experiment. But your explanation looks like the more well known story.
Miyu: Ah, I see.

Mai shook her head in excitement, her long pony tail swaying behind her.
"But Goenitz died last year, didn't he? Then who's behind this!??"

Miyu: I don't even think Mai knew that Goenitz existed... but... whatever.

"We haven't figured that out yet. We thought this will happen a little later."
Shizuku closed her eyes after saying that; admitting to their failure. The room froze in deep silence, which Terry finally broke.
"...So, what do you want us to do?"

Akiko: Move aside so the Mary Sue can hog every bit of the spotlight.

"The Orochi awakens from the energy in the world. So, we need to do something with this collecting energy."
Fubuki stepped forward, standing by Kira.
"To do this, you need to defeat 8 Guardians; who are fighters that posses the same powers as the Eight Orochi Warriors. The energy collects in 8 separate places in the world, which the Guardians can merge with. The Guardian that merged with such energy transforms into a dragon. In other words, the energy will disintegrate when the dragon is defeated."

Mai: *makes a face* What kind of useless sidequest nonsense is this? This is just plain old padding!
Axl: No kidding. And what are dragons doing in a legend that has snakes in it?
Mai: Suethor just had to ruin the canon and basic mythology even further.

Shizuku and Hotaru added:
"The energy that flows in the atmosphere collects in 8 shrines situated in separate places, and crystalize. Orochi summons this stored energy to awaken and use as his own strength. The Guardian can abosorb the energy from the crystals and become a dragon."
"It is probably impossible to stop the awakening of the Orochi now with three of the Eight Orochi Warriors involved. But if the energy that should be abosrbed by the Orochi when he awakes is minimal, there still is hope in re-seal him."

Akiko: Yeah, right! He's coming out! We know how the story goes!

Benimaru, silently listening the whole story by Kyo, finally opened his eyes.
"Now I'm kinda getting the picture.  Where are these Guardians, then?"
Kira sighed and opened her heavy lips in reluctance.
"......You are looking at them. Fubuki, Raiya, Ruka, Itsuki, Shizuku, Hotaru, and Chizuru san....these are the guardians that you are to fight against.

All: ...
Kyo K.: Did you just demote Kagura to an extra?! Oh, my god, stamp it! Stamp me!
Jayleen: I'm on it, Kusanagi.
Rory: This... isn't making any sense.
Miyu: Wait... so you're telling me that they'll have to fight their allies and not the Four Heavenly Kings? Don't they realize how little sense that even makes?
Mai: Yes and no.
Amy: You know that this story would also end faster if the guardians would just sacrifice themselves, right?
Mai: You're using logic. You know that everyone who is related to the Mary Sue can't die. Then again, this is KOF, where the main characters usually don't die... except for Ash, of course.

Shingo jolted out of his seat and on his restless feet.
"WHAT!!?"
"Actually, my twin sister Hinata was a Guardian as well.

Miyu: Her twin sister's name is actually Maki. I'm guessing that Maki didn't even have a name until KOF 2003, and this fic was written before the year 2000. I'll be lenient here.
Mai: So that's why there are seven guardians instead of eight. But... where's Aika?
Akiko: Who?
Mai: She was that person who shilled the Sue after she finished her art finals.
Miyu: Cousin Tails?
Tails: I'm on it! *loads the profile* Oh. It says that she has no affiliation to the Orochi myths. She's just a "normal" friend.
Akiko: But... if Chizuru and Maki are from the same family, wouldn't they be guarding one shrine together? Is there someone who is guarding two shrines at once?
Mai: Don't use your brain, Akiko. Thinking is useless in fics like these.

But when she was killed by Goenitz, the energy that was gathered in her shrine burst, disturbing the balance of the 8 shrines. This escaping energy was seized by Rugal."

Mai: ...this is incredibly inaccurate, isn't it?
Miyu: Part of it is. Yes, the seal was disturbed, and yes, Rugal did obtain the Orochi power that was supposed to be used by Orochi itself, thanks to Goenitz. But of course, the eight shrines thing is obviously inaccurate.

Itsuki rested his hand on Chizuru's shoulder as she shook from the memories of her sister.
"But all of the 8 Guardians need to be defeated, or it's pointless."

Akiko: This entire infodump was pointless! Also, there's only seven guardians here! These people can't even count to eight correctly! What the heck is going on here?
Miyu: I don't know, but it's just dumb.

"Wait a minute!"
The crowd turned to the back of the room from where the interupting voice exploded. It was Billy Kane, hurling his long rod onto his shoulder.
"I entered this damn tournament to settle a score with that son of a bitch (pointing at Iori)!! I don't give a damn about all this Orochi crap!"

Mai: Our hero. I'm not even being sarcastic here.
Akiko: Why is "(pointing at Iori)" even there? Was the Suethor too tired to add descriptions?
Miyu: Yes. Yes, she was. Also, there's another canon error; Mr. Kane was actually sent by Mr. Howard to investigate the Orochi power.

With that, Billy stormed towards Iori, who was standing by the heavy oak door that lead to the elevator. Iori noticed his ex-teammate's advances, and stood firmly on his feet to greet the agression with a painful blow. But before Billy got near his enemy, Kira stepped in, blocking his path.
"Unfortunately, Mr Kane, I need him to fight with the Orochi decently. If it's trouble you want, I'll hear of it first."

Akiko: This actually translates to "Don't you dare hurt my twu luv!"

"Outa my way, Missy!"
Billy thrusted the crimson rod straight towards Kira's stomach, but she grabbed the rod before it touched her.
"So you don't understand my words...."

Mai: Well, I don't understand this mess of a fanfic.

Kira stared down at Billy, who was croutched on the floor for a better grip. The had that gripped the staff burst into a white-blue flame. The rod was soon consumed by the fire.
"Wh...what!!?"
"HA!!"
Billy fell back onto the floor, trying to avoid the swift flames.
"You barely dodged that. I don't need the help of weaklings."

All: ...
Kyo L.: Man, fuck this fic. And fuck this hypocrite Sue. She's been dodging shit for everything and is praised for it, but when he dodges it, he's "weak"? Stamp me.
Jayleen: Understandable, LeMaire.
Miyu: *narrows her eyes* Mr. Kane actually has a reason to hate Mr. Yagami, you vapid Sue. He and Mr. Kisaragi were nearly killed by him at the end of the end of the '95 tournament... and you paint Mr. Kane as the bad guy for hating your hump buddy?! I'm so sick and tired of this horrible Suethor bias. Miss Kirishima, stamp under my name, please.
Jayleen: Certainly, Prower.

Athena's eyes widened at the scene she personally experienced a couple of months ago.
"That's the same as the time she fought me!"
Kyo stared blankly as well.
"The same move...as me!?"

Mai: She gave you your powers as a child, you insufferable cretin. I'd tell you to think, but you'd just shut down like a malware filled computer if you tried to do that.
Jayleen: *applauds* Bravo, James.

"Hmph, she is the one that gave me and Kyo the power to summon flames in the first place. It's not surprising for her to have the same powers...."
"This is the power of Bahamut, the dragon of the Heavens..."
"!?"
The crowd stared at the girl for an explaination.

Axl: Once again... what the fuck does Arabian mythology have to do with Japanese mythology?!
Mai: Don't give yourself an aneurysm, Axl. You're using logic when this Suethor isn't.

Kira looked around the room, aswering the questioning stares with her own.
"I am one of the Eight Orochi Warriors."
"WHAT!!?"

Akiko: Alright, who called it? Someone called it a long time ago!
Mai: It was Sonia. She called it when she riffed the second chapter with her brothers.
Miyu: So... an Orochi warrior... whose goal is to awaken Orochi itself... has given Mr. Kusanagi and Mr. Yagami... the powers that are needed... to seal Orochi.
Mai: And the guardians... who are supposed to be the antithesis to the Hakkeshu... is protecting a member of the Hakkeshu.
Akiko: My head hurts now.
Mai: It's going to hurt even more, Akiko. She also replaced an actual Hakkeshu member.
Miyu: Yes, she took the place of Leona's father, who didn't want any part of reviving Orochi, just like this Sue is doing. See, this is why fics based around the Orochi Saga are difficult to pull off properly!
Mai: So... she's trying to be a better Athena by taking over the singing, a better Gaidel by saying "Screw you, destiny!" and living instead of dying like he did, a better Mature and Vice... just because, a better Chizuru by demoting her to an extra and probably taking over the family history, and a better Kyo and Iori by using their moves a lot better than they can because she gave them their powers?
Miyu: Yes, Mai. This fic's basically "The Kira Show"!
Akiko: Someone cancel it!
Miyu: I wish we could, Akiko.

"I was isolated in the Izumo mountains at birth to learn how to control the Orochi within me, but...."
The room fell under the heavy weight of silence again. Athena stood up from her chair and looked straight at Kira.
"...And you expect us to trust you?"

Akiko: Uh-oh! Athena criticized the Mary Sue! Know what this means?
Mai: *sighs* Time for her to be humiliated once again. And it's all because this hack writer doesn't like her.
Miyu: And the sad thing is that Miss Asamiya is actually correct. How are you supposed to immediately trust someone who has Orochi ties? Especially one who is a member of the Hakkeshu?

Kira widened her eyes, then smiled faintly.
"You're right, Asamiya san. Well, I can't convince you to believe me like this."
"Then I'll ask you, Athena. And everyone else in this room."
Kyo stuck his hands in his pocket and surveyed the room.
"Why do you all fight? Money? Fame? Revenge? Power? Justice? That's all just fine, but they'll become meaningless once the Orochi awakens. He'll consume everything and reduce it to chaos. I'm not letting that happen! I don't give a damn what Kira is at this point. A same enemy called Orochi. That's more than enough for me to fight with her."

Kyo K., Benimaru, Athena: *facepalms, groans*
Kyo K.: Oh, shut the hell up and get your butt back to NESTS, faker!
Akiko: Man, Pod Kyo really needs to remove his lips from her butt. She's been using him like a puppet and he's still loyal to her?
Mai: She's a Mary Sue, Akiko. He's just a useless marionette.
Emi: *as she plays with one of her marionettes* Indeed.
Miyu: Okay, now we have a real problem here. Mr. Kusanagi has never gone into lengthy speeches about anything like that. He's also the same person who doesn't care about his destiny! Sure, he'll fight Orochi, but he'd never say stuff like this!
Mai: And you already know that he only went into that speech because Athena dared to criticize the Mary Sue. So of course the Suethor had to turn Kyo into her mouthpiece so he can insult her because the Sue can't. *sighs* I hate this stupid fic.

"Hmph," Iori glared at Kyo, "You won't be enough for the task, Kusanagi."
"Kyo....Iori....."
The fighters in the room looked at each other in confusion.

"So, what exactly do you want us to do, Kushinada san?"
Ryo emerged from the crowd and stood in front of Kira, who blinked at the question.
"Eh?"

Mai: *angry* Didn't you just explain what they were supposed to do earlier, you fucking idiot?!
Miyu: *as her eyes widen* Oh, my... Mai! I've never seen you lose your temper like that before!
Mai: I apologize for my outburst. I guess that the stupidity has finally gotten to me. *sighs* Stamp me, Jayleen.
Jayleen: With pleasure.

"It's not that often that we get a chance to be part of a legend, right?"
Terry winked as he extended his hand to her. She grasped the hand and smiled.
".....Arigatou....!"

Miyu: *mutters* Of course you'd only thank those who immediately don't question you. Tch.
Akiko: This is lame. This whole fic is lame. I can't wait until we're done with this dumb fic. There's a million other things that I could be doing right now.
Mai: Anything's better than reading this fetid garbage.

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