Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits Episode 1: Catwoman: Rebirth (Part One)

--

I must say, I'm a terrible spell checker, you'll have to forgive me at times,

Tails: It could be a heck of a lot worse.

but I've updated edited chapters and it should be a lot better. Of course I'm not perfect, but one day, the fanfic will be ;-). But until then, I think you darlings can handle it.

Tails: Thanks for being a bit patronizing there, author. Really needed that assurance.
Akiko: "I think you darlings can handle it"? Did Jay write this fic, too?
Miyuki: Hope not. I can't take another fanfic that Jayleen may have written.

Don't forget to review. It's my writing fuel.

Tomoko: Yeah, tell that to the Suethors who get all the critiques. It's kinda fun watching them flounce around like idiots.

Catwoman: Rebirth

By: Kat Shelton

Chapter 1:

Akiko: Just one dark cloud? I don't know, that doesn't sound too logical.

Isis sat in an empty chair and buried her tear stained face into her hands. Strands of her blond hair fell from her ponytail as she raised her head and saw her mother staring into space. Isis and her mother Helena had suffered many traumas lately. Isis' father and grandmother had been murdered a few months ago. Isis looked a lot like her grandmother so her mother couldn't look at her without crying. The room was filled with pain.

Miyuki: *dumps pictures of Pain from "Naruto" into the room* Oh, we weren't meant to take that literally? Whoops.

Isis had to leave. She needed to get away from this place that might as well been Hell.

Tails: Well, the Black Crow just came back from a massive trip to Hell. I think they can relate.

She rose to her feet and grabbed a long black coat from the closet. She put it on while walking to her room to get a small baggie. When she retrieved the bag she headed for the front door. Isis put the bag in her pocket and put her hood up as if she were hiding from something or someone… maybe just her past.

Tomoko: *rolls her eyes* Of course. Can't have a fic without someone having that "running from their past" crap.
Tails: Well, we should be a bit lenient on this one; it is a "Batman Beyond" fanfic, after all.

"Momma I'm going for a walk."

Her mom didn't respond, still staring at nothing. Isis wasn't expecting her mom to answer, so she just continued into the cold chill.

Akiko: What, she couldn't write a note or anything like that?

She walked with her head down, hands jammed in her pockets with a heavy heart. The night air was polluted and smelt of exhaust. She looked into the distance and saw Gotham City; the city Isis family ran from. But this city was practically Gotham's trashcan. Isis would rather live there, instead of the broken down dump she called home.

Miyuki: So... why'd they run from a terrible city... into an even worse city? We better have a good reason for that.

After walking a few blocks and past a few buildings she walked into an alley. The alley was cold, but not as cold as her own home.

Tomoko: I'm about to play a tiny violin in a second.

She then sat down on a trashcan that had been knocked over and reached into her pocket. She pulled out the bag and opened it. The scent of tuna filled the air as cats came out from every corner of the alley to Isis. She took her hood down and began feeding the cats.

Miyuki: Wait, you didn't put that stuff into containers or nothing? That's going to be one smelly bag.

When she was out of treats she leaned her head against the brick wall and patted a black cat that had jumped up on her lap on the head. "I feel so empty," she unemotionally murmured to the black cat.

Tails: Well, do what everyone else does and start writing bad poetry.
Miyuki: No way, man. I do not want to read Kyo's poetry ever again.

Right then and there she felt a great pain run through her body like an electric shock as she heard a loud gunshot. She clinched her teeth together and fell off the trashcan as all the cat's but one run frantically back to their hiding place. Isis pushed herself to her feet dropping the empty bag and started running home has fast as she could; as if something told her to. As she ran, the black cat followed by her side. Her loose ponytail fell apart but she didn't care, she was too fixed on getting home.

Tomoko: And cue the lame drama scene where either she or her mom got shot. Cue that crap already.

She stumbled to the front door to see that it had been knocked down. The cat followed her inside. Isis ran to the living room where her mother sat before Isis left. Her mom was lying in the floor next to her chair.

Was she dead?

Tomoko: Yes. Duh.

Isis's mouth hung open. She was so scared she could barely move. Was she dead? Was the last family member she knew… dead?

Akiko: Okay, she was sitting in the chair before you left. And now she's lying on the floor next to it. Uh... I think she's dead, yeah.

Isis's mom weakly said, "Let me look into your eyes one last time," Isis leaned down and held her in her arms. "I need… you to leave here… don't worry about me… hurry and go to your grandmother's old apartment…don't let him get you--." Isis's mom stopped breathing. She was dead.

Tails: *as he's fiddling with his Miles Electric* The plot twist of the century.
Miyuki: Okay, so... where was she shot? Do we have a wound? Blood? Motive? Anything?!
Tomoko: Nope. It's supposed to kick off the dumb "plot", Fujiwara.
Miyuki: *sighs* Great. So she just stuffed her mom into the fridge for this crap.

Isis trembled; "Let who get me!" she yelled at her mother's dead body. She was sad but could not cry. Her tears were drained. Isis was stiff and could barely move.

Miyuki: Then she's freakin' dehydrated! Get some electrolytes!

The black cat rubbed against her to try and give comfort, but all Isis could think was this is how Daddy and Grandma died. Will I be next? I must leave soon.

She packed some of her belongings. She did have enough time or money to prepare her mother a proper burial and she knew her mother wanted her to leave.

Tails: I'm pretty sure that the narrative meant that she didn't have the time or money.
Akiko: Man, the next person who moves into that place is going to have one heck of a time cleaning it up...

As she packet her bags, she could feel her burdens becoming heavier.

Tomoko: Burdens that were similar to "Will my pale-skinned gothic self bonk the hot guy in this fic?"
Miyuki: And how do you know that she has pale skin?
Tomoko: Suedom Law, Fujiwara. They all have pale skin, they're all skinny, and they all have giant knockers to boot. Facts of life.

She grabbed her bags and went to the living room where her mother lay. The cat carried a small blanket to Isis in its mouth. Isis dropped her bags and reached down to the cat. It dropped the blanket from its mouth. Isis picked up the small blanket and patted the cat on its head smiling for the first time in her life, or so it seemed. She kissed her mother's cold forehead and laid the blanket across her mother's face. That was the most proper farewell Isis could make to her mother.

Akiko: Man, even for Gotham City, we had to make an even worse tragic past thing, huh?

Isis heaved her luggage up on her shoulder. Before she left, she quickly scooped all of the pictures she could find in the room into her bad. Then she picked up the cat and headed for the door. "What shall I name you kitty?" she asked the cat.

The cat replied with a meow.

"Felix?" Isis had a strange connection to cats, especially this one. She could almost already tell that the cat would approve.

Tails: Yeah, she totally isn't Catwoman.
Akiko: Cass wouldn't like that one bit, you know.

The cat rubbed his cheek against Isis's cheek hinting that he accepted the name. "Felix it is then," Isis declared softly walking outside, "Well Felix, next stop; Grandmother's old apartment in Gotham City. I'm sure Grandma's old friend will be there."

Having Felix with her really lightened her heart. She sadly giggled; "I'm 17 and already on my own. I'm glad you're with me Felix," she commented as she walked towards Gotham City.

Miyuki: And now the canon will begin to decay. Everyone go home now.

Chapter 2:

"Dana, please don't do this to me!"

Miyuki: *as Terry* Please don't break up with me! I don't want to make out with another Mary Sue while you're out of character again!

"I think this relationship isn't going to work. It's not you I want anymore. Please understand Terry," gently she replied.

"I can't understand. All of a sudden you decide you don't like me anymore?" Terry's voice shook.

Tails: Yes. That's the whole point of this fic.
Tomoko: That's the point of all of these Sue fics.

At that moment red car pulled up and a male voice from inside beckoned for Dana to hop in.

Akiko: She's dating a disembodied voice? Whoa, the future really is crazy over there!

Dana let out a quiet sigh as she got into the car saying, "I've got to go now, but please understand that we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore."

Miyuki: *as Dana* I'm sorry, but the script says that I have to do this so you can date a bland character. Just ask that Yuki girl; she knows what it's like.
All: *turns their heads to the audience for a few moments before resuming their attention to the fic*

Terry had a sad and yet confused look on his face.

Akiko: He's confused now? Wait until we get further into this thing.

He ran his finger through his shiny black hair as the car drove off. At that moment Terry's teammate came up to him; "Hey Terr! We got wrestling practice today. Come with?"

Terry mindlessly replied, "Yeah… wrestling… sure…"

Tomoko: Well, his brain's already down. He's doomed.

After practice Terry had a long walk home. All he could think about was the incident with Dona that day.

Tails: Who's Dona? I thought that her name was Dana.
Miyuki: It's her twin sister, Tails.

Whatever happened between us to make her not like me anymore? I bet it had something to do with that guy in the red car, Terry became filled with anger.

Tomoko: *holds up the plot device purse* Nope, it's this thing.

He felt like beating the shit out of something. He couldn't wait to get to work.

Akiko: So... Terry's gonna suit up and just beat the mess out of criminals because his girlfriend went OOC and broke up with him? *sarcastically* Real healthy there.

When he arrived to his house he dropped off his schoolbooks; "Mom, I'm going to work."

"Homework?" she asked.

"Didn't have any."

Miyuki: I'm envying the kids in that school now. Any days without homework are awesome days.

"Well, before you go, I made these cookies for Mr. Wayne."

"Thanks Mom but --," Terry was quickly interrupted

"Just take them."

Tails: Ooh, ooh! Do they have mint chocolate chips in them? I'll take them!

Terry looked at his mother an expression of any teenage boy reluctantly taking the cookies. Then he went on his way to "work".

Miyuki: *with a dunce cap on her head* Thanks, "author". We never would've "figured" that out.

Terry approached the mansion. His boss was sitting outside waiting for him, "Hey Bruce, My mom made you these cookies." Terry handed him the box of cookies with a crooked smile on his face slightly embarrassed.

All: *puzzled* A crooked smile?
Tomoko: Yeah, like we needed more hints that the "Twilight" woman was inspired by fanfics.

Terry's boss corrected him, "I wish you would address me more formally. But anyway, thank your mother for me."

"Mr. Wayne…" Terry paused, "It just doesn't sound right."

Bruce gave him a blank stare and Terry looked back at him with his eyebrows narrowed, trying not to smile. Then the both of them smile and walked into the huge manner.

Tails: *while modifying his Miles Electric a bit* Ah, yes. "Comedy".

In the manner

Tails: It's "manor".
Akiko: Hey, Jay did say that we could handle those errors, Tails.
Tomoko: *scoffs* Please. She'd pull out her glitzy pen and go to town on it.

Terry and Mr. Wayne entered a secret to a cave. In the cold, damp cave there were many gadgets, each with a bat like quality.

Miyuki: *as she plays with her dunce cap* Gee, thanks, Captain Hand Hold. We would have never figured that out in the goddamn Batman universe!

"There has been a case of a murder in a little town outside of Gotham," Mr. Wayne announced.

"And I'm guessing that you want me to investigate the scene?" Terry retorted. He was trying his best not to think about Dana and what had happened earlier that day.

"Precisely," and with that Wayne added, "Suit up."

He's never asked me to do anything like that before, were Terry's thoughts as he walked away.

Tomoko: He's never asked you to suit up or he's never asked you to investigate a murder? Because if it's the former you're suprised about, you're an idiot.
Akiko: Oh, come on, Tomo-chan; he's in a possible Sue fic. And you know how everybody's brains just turn into mush in them.

About a minute later, Terry stood in front of Wayne wearing a black costume with a huge red bat symbol on his chest, long pointed ears on his head and spike things attached to the back of his forearms. He resembled a bat.

Akiko: *with a dunce cap on her head* Uh... thanks?
Tomoko: *facepalms, grumbles*
Miyuki: *bangs her head on the table*
Tails: *as he places a pillow on the table to stop Miyuki* I wish that authors would have the knowledge that most of the people who read these fics already know the canon or what everything looks like. It's getting rather irritating to feel like I'm being talked down to like I'm some sort of idiot.

"Okay Batman, I've made you a map to get to the area of the murder. It should be on your visor when you turn it on," explained the former Batman.

Miyuki: *muffled* Nope, totally didn't know that Bruce was the former Batman.
Tails: To be fair, it's actually a decent alternative to "Bruce said", but... considering this fic's current track record? Eh.

Terry—or shall I say Batman—walked over to a motorcycle.

Tomoko: Yeah, just drop me in the produce section at the grocery store, Mom. I don't need to come home with you.

Bruce looked back at The Bat and informed, "If you get lost, I'll be at the computer."

Batman hopped on to his motorcycle and rode off into the night.

The motorcycle arrived at a small house in that poor polluted town.

Akiko: The motorcycle just left him behind and decided to do all of the crime fighting? I want that bike!
Miyuki: Oh, and here we go. Her life is more depressing than yours because she came from a "poor polluted town". Newsflash, dimwit; Gotham City isn't much better. Take a number and wait in the wangst line.

The door was broken down so Batman invited himself in, choking on the air.

Tomoko: And the town that's near Gotham is more polluted? Yeah, okay, whatever.
Tails: *plays sad violin music on his Miles Electric* I couldn't find a tiny violin.

"Obviously the body has already been moved," Terry reminded Bruce, "So what exactly do you want me to look for."

Miyuki: *as Bruce* How about a plot that isn't terrible?

"A picture of any sort."

Hmmm…strange. Terry didn't understand why Mr. Wayne would want a picture, but he began looking anyway. Batman searched all the tables, "That's weird most of these pictures have already been taken. Do you think it was for evidence or something?"

"Perhaps," Bruce replied, "But what about that picture over there?"

On the floor was a picture frame face down, "Whoever took these pictures must have been in a hurry. They seemed to have forgotten one,"

Akiko: *adds the word "conveniently" between "They" and "seemed"* That sentence is much better now!

Batman picked up the picture and examined it. In the picture was and older woman, well aged.

Tomoko: So... she's wine now?

"I should have been there to protect you," Mr. Wayne faintly whispered.

"Excuse?" Batman was curious as to what Mr. Wayne had just mumbled, "What was that?"

Miyuki: A bad plot device line, Terry. Also... isn't it out of character for Mr. Wayne to start spouting stuff like that while his student is listening?
Tails: Yep. We're definitely in Fanfiction Land now.

"Oh nothing…just groaning at this damn arthritis," Bruce was attempting to cover for his words,

Tomoko: Because Bruce would clearly say that to his joints. Yeah, uh-huh. *as Bruce* I should've protected my knuckles. Shouldn't have cracked them so much before punching those punks.

"Okay, all I needed was the picture. Come back to Gotham. I'm sure there is much more going on here."

Batman was quite confused, "But wait…we didn't find anything. Why would you just want the picture?"

"Listen, you can't leave Gotham alone for two minutes. Let that town deal with there own problems. Hurry back!"

Akiko: *sarcastically* Yeah, all those people dying in the outskirts of Gotham? Yeah, screw them! *normal voice* Some heroes.

That's exactly what I was thinking before I came here…crazy? Batman had slight hesitation to think, "…Right. I'm on my way."

Miyuki: I'm going to say this right now. I don't want to read the rest of this thing. I already know that it's going to suck. So why should I stay here?
Tomoko: Because the writer said so.
Miyuki: *groans in annoyance*

--

Continue to Part Two
Go Back to Incredibly Resilient Riffers Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page