Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 7: Rainbow Eclipse (Part Three)

--

So, I'm back. I know that you were all waiting with baited breath for my return to the Net (a fabulous movie, incidentally).

Miyu: Suethor, you're really full of yourself. There was no red carpet waiting for you.
Emi: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Miss Prower.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to Mary Ann and Corie (as always) and to all my friends from Girls State who keep me happy and writer's block free!

Axl: I knew it. I should've went after those two!
Akiko: You're like... over a decade late.

Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon. I am using said heroine and other characters illicitly, and with no hope of monetary gain. Well, hope, but I'm trying to be realistic...

Axl: This is why Suethors shouldn't own things. Crap like this would happen if it ever got published for cash.
Emi: Um... but crap like this does get published today...

Rainbow Eclipse
Rated PG13 (language and violence)

Chapter 4
To The Death

Akiko: Mary Sue kills Butt Monkey. News at 11.

Darien drove toward the park, considering his options. He had accepted Sailor Eclipse's challenge, and now he needed to win.

Miyu: Spoiler: He won't.

There wasn't a doubt in his mind that the mysterious Scout wouldn't hesitate to kill him, and he wasn't sure that she would give him time to talk her out of it.

Emi: Spoiler: She won't.

Find out how powerful she is first and take it from there. Darien thought, eyes on the road.

Akiko: I'm wondering if the narrator's just speaking for everyone now that we have no punctuation for the thoughts.

He arrived at the park with ten minutes to spare. Locking his car, Darien warily progressed into the shadows. Slipping behind a tree, Darien transformed into Tuxedo Mask. Feeling a bit more secure, Darien began walking toward the climbing gym in the center of the park. As the clock struck midnight, Tuxedo Mask began preparing himself for battle.

"Well, well. I must admit, I'm a little surprised that you showed up. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to see you here."

Axl: You're not funny.

Tuxedo Mask whipped around, looking in the direction that the voice had come from. His gaze finally settled on a large oak tree.

Akiko: Holy crap, the tree's speaking!
Emi: *giggles*

"Come out. Now. I want to get this over with."

Miyu: *sighs* So do we. I'm tired of this fic.

"You are so impatient." Sailor Eclipse mocked.

Axl: *flips the screen off* Fuck off, Mary Sue.

Tuxedo Mask watched as a large shadow flew through the air, landing gracefully on top of the monkey bars. Another flip brought her to the ground. She landed gently, her cape swirling around her. A street light illuminated them both.

Emi: *makes a face*
Akiko: *yawns* Bor-ing! I didn't come here to see a show about Miss Perfect being... well, perfect!
Miyu: *adjusts glasses* I hope the cape turned into an impromptu noose.

"In such a hurry to die? That amazes me. Ah well. As you wish. If you want to beg for mercy, I'll listen. I can't make any promises though."

Axl: Oh, shut up! You're not going to listen at all! Stop trying to show any hints that you will! You know it, I know it, the ladies know it! Just! Stop!

With a low cry of rage, Darien attacked. He charged Eclipse, leaping into the air. His cane met her scepter with a thud, and the two warriors engaged in a body-lock, each trying to force the other to their knees. Finally both threw themselves away from the other, and they began circling. Darien watched for any sign of weakness, any opening. Eclipse looked perfectly at home, at ease with her weapon, confident in her skills.

Akiko: *rolls her eyes* Of course she did.
Axl: Cocky ass.

"Tuxedo The Smoking Bomber!" Darien yelled, calling on his power.

Emi: *reads her notes* It's actually "Tuxedo La Smoking Bomber". I guess the Suethor was reading the Mixx manga at the time.
Axl: Can't really club her over the head for that.
Emi: Nope. That'll just make us look like fools.

"Topaz Earthquake!" Eclipse responded.

The star stone atop Eclipse's scepter glowed a bright yellow orange, letting loose a flash of light that traveled rapidly along the ground. Tuxedo Mask released his weapon. The two attacks collided, creating a huge explosion. Tuxedo was thrown to the ground with the force of it. When the smoke cleared, he saw Sailor Eclipse, unhurt and unruffled by the attack.

Akiko: *boos, throws tomatoes at the screen*
Axl: Hey, save some of those! My sister just picked them!
Miyu: *takes a few tomatoes from Akiko's basket* And I have to make sandwiches later.

"Is that the best you've got?" Eclipse mocked. "I can't believe it. Want to stand up? Try again? Come on, you can do it. I'll even give you a free shot. Go on. Attack me."

Emi: This fanfiction is absolutely infuriating. *pulls out her cell phone* I'm calling a replacement.
Miyu: We're only on the fourth chapter, Emiko.
Emi: Yes, and I already have a migraine, no thanks to this oxygen sucking Mary Sue. Now, who should I call here...?

"Tuxedo the Smoking Bomber!" Darien yelled. He watched his attack hurdle towards her, watched it reach her, watched it detonate. Certain he had won, Darien struggled to his feet.

Axl: You didn't. The Mary Sue is still standing.

Sailor Eclipse was nowhere to be seen. Suspicious, Darien began walking toward the place where he had last seen Eclipse. Suddenly there was a tap on his shoulder. Darien whirled, and gaped in shock.

"Miss me?" Eclipse inquired sweetly, before laying Darien out on the ground with a right hook to his jaw.

Akiko: *digs into her ice cream pint* Hey, Emi. I wanna see that phone when you're done. I don't know if I can sit here with this fic any longer.
Axl: *lazily raises a hand* Ditto.
Miyu: *removes her glasses, rubs her eyes a bit* I'm about to say the same thing.
Emi: *sighs* Okay... I believe that we should call someone who has an extremely high tolerance for garbage.
Miyu: Well, that instantly eliminates my boyfriend. Time to think of somebody else.
Axl: Yeah, I know who to contact on my end now. I'd like to be next, please.
Emi: *hands her phone to Axl*

As he lay prone, helpless, he watched Eclipse's movements.

Axl: *sending a text on Emi's cell phone* Stop moving like that, you walking epileptic seizure...

"I really thought you'd last longer than this. I was certain that you had more in you than that piddling little attack. I was so sure that you'd make this worth my while. Oh, well. I didn't get the fight I wanted, but I do get a splendid consolation prize." Eclipse said, watching him. "You destroyed my life, and now I get to take yours from you. Goodbye, Endymion."

Miyu: Do we even have a backstory other than "I want to kill Endymion just because!"?
Emi: Most likely. And at this point, I don't care. Because I hate this fic.

"Wait!" a female voice cried. Darien looked on in horror as the Sailor Scouts appeared. One by one they stepped out of the night and into the glow of the street lamp. Incredulously, Sailor Eclipse stared at them, her gaze falling on each one individually. It seemed as though eons passed before she looked back at Darien.

"We had a deal, Endymion. You are many things, but I was positive that stupid was not one of them."

Axl: With how you've constantly insulted him, I'm surprised that you didn't consider him to be "stupid". *sarcastically* And I was positive that you not being an annoying asshole wasn't in the equation, either. Looks like I was wrong.

"I didn't tell them." he gasped.

"I don't really care at this point.

Miyu: *grumpily* Go die in a fire.

They're here, and that's reason enough for me to kill them.

Akiko: *reads ahead* Oh, that sentence will make zero sense later.

I'll think I'll keep you alive for a while, let you watch them die. Won't that be fun?" Eclipse said, in a voice so low that only he could hear it.

Akiko: Hey, we saw that in the ball earlier! Press the fast forward button so we can get to the plot!
Emi: And after that, I'll get my sister to jam her katana through your chest, and we'll watch you die. Won't that be fun, Mary Sue?
Axl: *hands Emi's cell phone back to her, raises an eyebrow* Emi, I've only riffed with you once before, I think. When'd you get so dark all of a sudden?
Emi: Since this Sue pushed my buttons, Mr. James. We should riff more often.

"No. Don't do it." Darien whispered.

"Who's going to stop me? You? Don't make me laugh. Incidentally, I've saved the best seat in the house for you.

Akiko: *with a spoonful of ice cream* Is the Suethor just... fapping to how overpowered her self-insert is right now?
Miyu: How do you know that that Sue's a self-insert?
Akiko: I read ahead, Miyu-chan. Trust me, I'm pretty positive that it's one.

Darien felt himself being lifted off the ground. He groaned as his body was thrown against a tree trunk. Darien began to struggle, but he could not free himself. He was forced to watch, helpless, as the battle began.

Sailor Moon watched, striken,

Akiko: Is that a word?
Miyu: Nope. Suethor forgot the "C".
Axl: *deadpan* I know where the "C" is.
Emi: And it stands for... "Catastrophe".
Axl: Yep.

as her true love was tossed about like a rag doll. Anger built inside of her.

Emi: Sounds like our reaction to this fic so far. *looks at her phone* Oh? Mr. James... your friend said that he'll be ready when you ragequit. Just don't ragequit too early.
Axl: Oh. Cool.

"I don't know who you are, but I do know that it is you who hurt my darling Tuxedo Mask!" Sailor Moon shouted, "We're the Sailor Scouts!"

"And we stand for love and justice!" Mercury chimed in.

"We will not allow you to harm our friend!" Venus cried.

"In the name of the moon, we shall punish you!" Sailor Moon finished, striking her customary pose. The other scouts clustered around her.

All were amazed to hear slow, steady applause. Sailor Eclipse, arm wrapped around her scepter, was clapping. She had a mocking little smile on her lips.

"Encore, encore. Does that little speech give you a false sense of confidence?"

Emi: *double facepalms*
Miyu: *flips the table with her powers*
Axl: *facepalms* I hate this shitty fic.
Akiko: *as she eats another spoonful of ice cream* I know that the Senshi can say some cheesy lines sometimes, but... really? Didja have to be that smug about it?

"There's nothing false about our confidence!" Raye blasted back.

Akiko: *grabs Emi's cell phone, begins to text* Exactly. They're the ones who keep saving the planet that you're currently taking a steaming dump on, Sue.

"Oh, please. Do you little girls honestly think that you are a match for me? I am the original, sweetie. I protected this solar system when you were still in diapers. I existed long before you and I will remain long after you are gone.

Axl: Suethor, I want both of your hands on the keyboard. Now!
Emi: *looks at her notes* Uh... even though she's not here yet... I think that the Suethor forgot that Sailor Pluto is immortal.
Akiko: *sarcastically* Yeah, "forgot". Let's go with that.

But if it's a fight you're looking for, I would be more than happy to provide you with one," Sailor Eclipse finished, standing cockily by the monkey bars, leaning on her scepter. "Well, who's first? I don't have all night."

Akiko: Tomo-chan would clearly beat the Sue's head in with her chains.
Miyu: Kyo would certainly enjoy watching that.

"Me." Sailor Uranus stepped forward, her stride confident. Eclipse smiled.

"Excellent." Eclipse smirked. "Oh, and just to even the odds a touch..."

Emi: That means that it'll be 95/5 in the Sue's favor.
Axl: *sets the table upright* You're being generous, Emi. It's more like... 200/-100, Sue's favor.

Uranus watched in horrified fascination as each of the Scouts were paralyzed, their feet frozen to the ground and their arms pinned at their sides. They struggled, twisting and turning, but were unable to free their appendages from the invisible grip which held them motionless.

Akiko: "Invisible grip"? Sue... you're getting lazy. If you keep bragging about how powerful you are, then you take all of 'em on at once!
Emi: How do you know that?
Akiko: I, uh... happen to be an expert on that subject. Personal experience. Wasn't pretty.

"I think that nine to one is just a bit unfair, don't you?" Eclipse said, coolly polite. Angry blue eyes met steely indigo.

Axl: See? 200/-100. And we went quite a while without hearing that stupid "indigo" word.
Miyu: *sips her tea* Mm-hmm. This is about to be as annoying as the word "powerful".

"Uranus World Shaking!"

"Emerald Icicle Assault!"

Akiko: *eats another spoonful of ice cream* Why bother writing a giant paragraph that'll waste everyone's time? I'm gonna sum this next paragraph in three simple words: "Sue beats Uranus."

The star stone glowed a beautiful dark green. At the same moment that a ball of golden fire left Uranus's hand, small green spears flew from the star stone. The icicles sliced cleanly through the World Shaking attack and continued flying toward Sailor Uranus. Sailor Uranus dove out of the way, and a split second later the deadly emerald spears embedded themselves in a tree trunk exactly where Uranus had been standing. Uranus tucked herself into a ball, rolling away as she hit the ground. By the time Sailor Uranus was back on her feet, Sailor Eclipse was standing only 10 feet from her.

Miyu: *sighs*
Akiko: See? We all knew that the Sue would step on her like an ant.
Axl: "Only ten feet"? That's not a small distance, Suethor.

"Honestly, if you didn't want to fight, you could have just told me. I wouldn't want to wear you out."

"Bitch!"

Emi: I think those are everyone's thoughts about this Sue... well, unless you replace "bitch" with "asshole". Anyway, thanks, Uranus.

Uranus spat, throwing herself into the air. Uranus came down lightly, both hands wrapped around Eclipse's scepter. The other scouts watched, frozen in place, as Uranus put all her strength into attempting to wrestle the scepter away from Eclipse. Slowly, Eclipse and Uranus moved into a body lock, each attempting to throw the other to the ground. Uranus was sweating with the effort, but Eclipse seemed to be enjoying herself.

Akiko: *looks around the room* Does anyone else hear squishing noises?
Emi: Don't, Akiko. I think I'm close to vomiting.
Axl: *leaves, returns with a mop and bucket* I'm on it... unfortunately. Jesus, Suethors really know how to make a mess, don't they?
Miyu: Least it's not as bad as Stephenie Meyer's or E.L. James's messes.
Axl: *cringes* Gonna ignore you, Miyu. Just gonna mop. *suddenly in a trance* I love my job... I love my job...

"You've improved since the last time we fought, Uranus," Eclipse whispered. "But you've forgotten the first rule of combat." Eclipse yanked the scepter out of Uranus's hands, swept the end around, and hooked Uranus's ankles. Uranus felt her feet being yanked out from under her, felt herself falling. She hit the ground hard. The other Scouts gasped as Eclipse advanced on Uranus, pressing the end of her scepter against Uranus's windpipe.

"Never," Eclipse said, emphasizing each word with a press of her scepter, "never assume that the fight is yours from the beginning. It is likely to get you killed."

Akiko: *eye twitches* I missed that! Jayleen, is that you?!
Emi: Uh, Sue. Isn't that what you were doing? You had the fight in the bag and bragged about it! Not to mention, you said that it would be wise to not underestimate them in the first chapter! Do you have the memory of a drunken idiot here?!
Miyu: Yes. And what was the first rule of Suedom Law, Emiko?
Emi: Mary Sues are never wrong, Miss Prower.
Miyu: Uh... *looks at her notes* I believe so. Sonic and Kyo made a mess of the laws and listed everything as number one recently. *begins writing on a fresh sheet of paper* We'll make that number one. Now, what's number two?
Akiko: They need to die in a fire!
Miyu: Well, that is true, but it is not a law.
Axl: *moves the mop and bucket out of the way, sits back down* I'd make it one, actually.

Blue eyes flashed. "Who are you? What do you want? Sailor Moon? The others?"

"Don't flatter yourself. You little Sailor Failures aren't worth my time and energy.

Axl: Yet we're wasting our time and energy on this overpowered Mary Sue piece of sh--
Miyu: Thank you, Axl!

I want him." Eclipse jerked her head in Tuxedo Mask's direction, without moving her scepter. Her cold eyes bore into Uranus.

Akiko: *with a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth* That's gotta hurt.
Axl: I see what you did there.

"I want that sniveling little weakling in the tacky tuxedo. I want the murderer."

Emi: Honestly, Mary Sue... you are trying way too hard to be an antagonist. Just stop the embarrassing charade, please.
Akiko: Least quit it before Axl has a heart attack or drowns himself in the bucket.
Axl: I'm not going to drown myself in the bucket. Especially when you think about what I just mopped up over there.

"Murderer? Tuxedo Mask?" Mars gasped.

"No way."

"Insane."

"Impossible."

"No! I don't believe it!" Sailor Moon cried.

Miyu: Illogical!
Axl: Nonsensical!
Emi: Is this about the Sue's baseless accusations or the reactions to this fic?
Akiko: Both. But mostly this fic.

Summoning her will, Sailor Moon wrenched free of Eclipse's spell.

Miyu: Well, that's a surprise.

She spun on her heel, and ran towards Tuxedo Mask.. Eclipse's eyes widened in surprise and not a little respect, but quickly narrowed.

Akiko: Yeah! Why should the Mary Sue with way too many powers listen to the canons instead of owning them? She doesn't have time for that!
Axl: And something tells me that the Sue needs to get that stick out of her butt. She doesn't respect anyone, she thinks that she's better than them, and she's arrogant as hell. It makes me want to throw up.

"Aqua Typhoon!"

The star stone glowed a strange blue-green. Two beams of light shot toward Sailor Moon.

"Sailor Moon, MOVE!" Venus screamed.

"JUMP!" Tuxedo Mask yelled at the same time.

Sailor Moon froze. Time seemed to slow down as she turned, golden hair flying. Her eyes widened in horror when she saw the light

How pretty. Sailor Moon thought That light. It's the same color as the ocean.

Akiko: *drops her ice cream pint and her spoon* Are you kidding me?!
Axl: Of course. Damn Sue needed another friggin' convenient power. *gets up* I'm done here.
Emi: Finish the chapter first, Mr. James.
Axl: *tapping his foot impatiently* Fine.

The Scouts looked on as Sailor Moon made no attempt to avoid the deadly beams that were heading straight for her heart.

Axl: And she'll die. Thanks. Goodbye.
Miyu: Not yet, Axl!
Axl: Don't prolong my pain here!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

La la la. So there you have it, Chapter 4. I think this story is going to end up being 9 or 10 chapters, but I'm not sure.

Emi: Honestly... do you enjoy tormenting us, Suethor?

So, here's a poll for all you Moonies.

Which is your favorite Sailor Senshi/Scout?

Axl: I dunno, how about the one that your Sue's pissin' on?
Akiko: So... all of them, then.

Is it obvious yet that I am desperately trying to generate e-mail for myself?

Miyu: Oh, dear. When did Suethors have arrogance and desperation at the same time?
Axl: Suethors always had that together. Well, chapter's done. I need a time out. If I stay with this fic any longer, I'm going to explode.
Emi: Just come back for the sixth chapter, please.
Axl: Okay. *as he leaves* Hey, Rory! You're up!
Rory: *slowly walks into the living room, sits next to Miyu* I only have one question for you three.
Emi: What is it, Mr. Hancock?
Rory: Why?
Akiko: Because it sucks, that's why.
Rory: *removes his work goggles, groans, reads Axl's notes* "Dear Rory, this fic is full of crap." *stops reading* Wait, that's all he left?
Miyu, Emi, Akiko: *hands Rory their notes* Here.
Rory: ...I gotta read all of this?
Emi: Yes. Also, Mr. James's complete analysis is in this set. We'll wait for you to catch up.
*10 minutes later*
Rory: *puts down the notes, has a distraught look on his face* Why?!
Akiko: Told you that it sucked. *tosses a new pint of ice cream and a spoon to Rory* Enjoy.
Rory: *catches the items* Least I'm getting something decent out of this. And I hope that this chapter's short, 'cause I gotta get back to working on Cassy's Extreme Gear.

Hey, people! Yay for me, Chapter 5 is here.

Rory: Hooray, you published a chapter of a crummy fic on the Internet. Any dummy like me can do that.

Please enjoy, and don't forget to let me know what you think!

Akiko: It blows.

Thanks (as always) to the charter members of my fan club Mary Ann and Corie. I love you guys! Skott- you are the best. Herm- Yes, I owe you. And thanks to the people who have e-mailed me!

Miyu: This is implying that she has fans.
Emi: Wait, people liked this fic?
Miyu: Why do you think Justin Bieber's still around... sort of?
Rory: I thought he was too busy peeing in buckets and throwing eggs at his neighbor's houses.

Disclaimer: I am a hard-core criminal. I am using the characters from Sailor Moon without permission of Naoko or Bandai or Pioneer or DiC or ANYBODY!! I am such a rebel. Makes me feel all warm and tingly.

Emi: *annoyed* Oh, shut up! You're not edgy, you're not a rebel, you're not anything! You just uploaded a fic to the Internet!
Akiko: I didn't know that rebels talked about how perfect they were -- oh, hey! Jay did write this, then!
Emi: I doubt it, Akiko. Miss Kirishima wouldn't... *in a low voice* ...pleasure herself like that.
Akiko: You did not meet her before she changed. Be very lucky.

Rainbow Eclipse
PG13 (mild language and violence)

Chapter 5
Lunar Eclipse

Rory: *drawing plans on his notepad* Yeah, because we need more titles that refer to how much space the Sue can suck up.

The Scouts watched, unable to prevent the imminent collision of power and human flesh.

Emi: Okay, who saves her?
Akiko: Not Tuxedo Mask, we know that much.
Rory: Spider-Man? Batman? Kenshiro?! Oh, please let it be Kenshiro! That'd be awesome!

Uranus scrambled away from Eclipse, staggered to her feet and rushed for Sailor Moon, aware that the distance was too great.

Miyu: Never mind that Uranus is the fastest Senshi. Let's ignore that bit of canon.
Rory: Suethors not crapping on canon? Well, that's a really foreign concept.

"NOOOOO!!" Tuxedo Mask howled, fighting his restraints. He turned pleading eyes toward a silent Sailor Eclipse. Sailor Moon closed her eyes in acceptance of her fate and braced herself for the pain. "Pluto Deadly Scream!"

Rory: It makes it sound like the Sue took Pluto's attack.
Emi: Considering the Sue's Senshi name, I wouldn't be surprised.

Bright aqua met deep purple. The two attacks neutralized each other, exploding only 2 feet in front of Sailor Moon.

Akiko: Well, there goes Sailor Moon's eyebrows.

Sailor Moon was thrown backward with its force. Sailor Uranus crossed her arms in front of her face and held her ground for a few moments before being tossed away from the explosion. Sailor Uranus hit the ground hard, skidding a few more feet on the soft grass before stopping. Shaken and bruised, Sailor Moon lay still for a few moments before turning her head to the side. A wall of pearly mist had formed directly to her left and a dark shape was moving towards them. Sailor Eclipse gave a wry smile and stood straight, holding her scepter with confidence.

Rory: Well, that's before I shoved it... somewhere else.

Out of the sterling light stepped Sailor Pluto, Garnet Rod in hand. Calmly she walked toward Sailor Eclipse, fearlessly meeting her steady gaze. Pluto walked with poise and infinite grace toward the rainbow Sailor. When Pluto halted, only two feet separated them.

Miyu: I'm actually surprised that someone that's not the Sue was walking with poise and grace.
Akiko: Yeah, uh... there's a reason why she's doing that. If you're not a friend of the Sue, you'll be clumsy as heck.

"Sailor Pluto." Eclipse inclined her head slightly.

Pluto responded with a slight bow, "Sailor Eclipse."

Emi: This Sue is really full of herself. She kind of gave Sailor Pluto the equivalent of the bird.

For several moments, neither moved. Woman to woman, Scout to Scout, they faced off. A breeze blew Pluto's hair out to the side, and caused the rainbow cape that Eclipse wore to ripple slightly. They made a striking picture, these two solitary Sailors.

Rory: *as the Suethor* But Eclipse was better, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Eclipse broke the silence. "I am surprised to see you, Pluto. You do not usually involve yourself in these matters."

Akiko: Well, considering that you've basically curbstomped the Senshi with no effort, I wonder why, Sue!

"My friends are not usually challenged by an enemy they cannot hope to defeat without my help," Pluto replied, her tone grave.

"Touché." Eclipse murmured the ghost of a smile haunting her lips. They were silent. Sailor Pluto spoke first.

Pluto glanced over at the paralyzed Scouts. "Release them."

"No."

"Why not?" Sailor Pluto questioned, her face serene and her eyes as calm as ever.

Emi: Because the Sue is getting off to this.
Miyu: *frantically adjusts her glasses* Oh, my -- Emiko!
Emi: What? *picks up a paper* Those were Mr. James's notes, Miss Prower.
Miyu: I should've known.

"They interfered. I warned him," Eclipse stated, gesturing toward Darien with her free hand. "He chose not to tell them anything. I must keep them confined so that I am not forced to harm them."

Rory: Yeah, sure. And who knows what you're going to do to them with your "staff" later.
Miyu: I see that you've gotten used to hanging around Kyo and Axl, Rory.

"You need not harm anyone!" Pluto exclaimed. "Can you harm them? Can you harm those you loved more than anything in this galaxy? Can you harm your students?"

Miyu, Emi, Rory: Her what?!
Akiko: Told ya that it would make zero sense later. The Sue's the teacher of the Sailor Senshi.
Miyu: *facepalms* I give up.
Rory: This fic gave up on itself.

At that statement, Sailor Eclipse inhaled sharply. She took a step back, a grief beyond human endurance showing briefly on her beautiful face.

Akiko: *rolls her eyes* Suethor. Both hands on the keyboard. Not one. Both.

The cold mask of her face cracked, then solidified. Indigo eyes cast around, falling once more on each individual Scout.

Emi: That accursed color again...

Venus shivered and Jupiter tightened her hands into fists. Sailor Eclipse paused for a moment on Jupiter, and Jupiter felt a flash of recognition.

I know those eyes, that challenging stare. Jupiter thought.

Miyu: So, let me guess... this next paragraph will have the Senshi staring in awe at the Sue.
Akiko: I swear, this fic just won't let us forget how "beautiful" the Sue is, huh?
Rory: This is disgusting.
Emi: The fic, the Sue, or the Suethor, Mr. Hancock?
Rory: *thinks for a bit* Uh... yes.
Emi: *gives a blank stare*

Eclipse moved her gaze to the other Scouts. Neptune and Saturn received a long look, but when her gaze fell on Sailor Uranus, a glassy sheen appeared in her eyes. A single crystal tear slid down one porcelain cheek as the frozen mask of Eclipse's face melted away.

Miyu: She cries... a single crystal tear?!
Akiko: Yep. And her face is melting. Looks like we need some plastic surgeons now.
Rory: *gets up, grabs his work goggles* Well, I'm done. Going to work on Cassy's skates now. I don't have time for this fluff nonsense. *to Akiko* Oh, and thanks for the ice cream. Appreciate it. *leaves the room, pushes Axl into the room* Get back in there. Bug me when I'm not busy.
Axl: *dusts himself off, sits next to Miyu* Yeah, uh... remind me to never interrupt Rory's Extreme Gear work again. That was a new one to me.
Miyu: Got you. He's usually a lot nicer when he's not in a work mood, huh?
Axl: So I've just learned...

Eclipse tipped her head back to look at the waning moon, longing and grief transforming this Scout into the very picture of tragedy and loss.

Emi: *heavily sighs* To take a page from Sonic... nobody cares.

Memory seemed to overtake the rebel warrior and she sighed slightly, closing her eyes. Uranus, who had struggled to her feet for the second time, moved to attack, only to halt abruptly when Pluto sliced the air with her hand. Darien, whose anguished eyes had been on Serena, turned to look at Eclipse. Worry had dropped from her face entirely. Eclipse's face was placid, comforting, and her spellbinding beauty struck Darien once more.

Axl: *sighs* Well. Gonna get the mop again...
Akiko: I think we need more than a mop this time.
Miyu: Well... Jessie has this thing in her cabinet called "Bleepka". It's never been opened.
Emi: And for good reason. It's a mixture of bleach and vodka.
Axl: I'll take it!
Emi: *stunned* Okay...

The other Scouts waited, silently watching Eclipse for any hint of kindness.

Akiko: Yeah, that ain't happening.

Sailor Moon pulled herself up and knelt on the soft grass, watching the silent tableau.

She looks so happy, so calm. She's beautiful, and I can feel her power.

Axl: Suethor... you're about to hit Stephenie Meyer's level of Sue splooge if you keep this up.
Miyu: And now I'm going to throw up.

But she wants to hurt Darien...or does she? thought Sailor Moon, her conflicting emotions becoming hard to contain. A police siren sounded in the distance, and Eclipse snapped back to the present. Fury shone in her eyes once more, and an angry mask slid over her features.

Emi: Of course that wouldn't last long. We had to drag out the "plot".

"His blood is mine, Sailor Solider." Eclipse stated " I have waited for one thousand years to have my revenge. Do not force me to confine you as well."

Akiko: You waited for 1,000 years, huh? Lady, you should've found some hobbies in that timeframe. But no, you just had to Sue-brood and annoy the audience.
Miyu: And that was all because she had to read Sailor Moon's mind. I guess the Sue's telepathy is just giving her an excuse to be incredibly rude.

"Please..." Pluto extended her hand. Eclipse stared at it, and the longing returned to her eyes. Pluto's gloved hand seemed to be a bridge to happiness and peace, an offer of friendship and comfort. Eclipse stared, tears forming in her eyes once again. Slowly, slowly, Eclipse extended her hand, reaching for Pluto and the aid she wanted so desperately. The park was silent.

Axl: Oh, just give us the whiplash, Suethor.

"Darien!" Sailor Moon whispered. Tearing her eyes away from the poignant scene, she rose and ran toward Darien once again. The sudden movement caught Eclipse's eye. Glancing around, the softness in her stance faded away to nothing. Her gaze flew from Sailor Pluto to Sailor Moon. Her lips curved upward and the gleam of triumph lit her eyes.

Emi, Axl: *deadpan* Bingo.
Miyu: *sighs* I wonder if Mr. Kusanagi's availiable -- no, no, I forgot that I need someone who's stable.
Akiko: I don't know any stable people... well, aside from my sister and one other person.
Miyu: Make that "mostly stable".

"Indigo Mist!" Eclipse yelled.

Axl: Of course she needed a power that matches the color of her stupid eyes.

The star stone glowed the same blue-purple color as Eclipse's eyes, and a thick, shimmering fog blanketed the park. Sailor Moon looked around, disoriented.

Emi: How many powers does she have?
Akiko: *with a new pint of ice cream and spoon* Well, how many powers does the average Senshi have?
Emi: About... three or four. Sailor Moon had at least ten techniques throughout all of her forms, but she also used no more than three or four of them at a time.
Akiko: Yeah... the Sue has much more than three or four.
Emi: *sarcastically* What wonderful writing.

"Tuxedo Mask!" she cried, near tears. A sudden sound made Sailor Moon whirl around. A hand closed over her shoulder. Turning toward it, Sailor Moon looked into eyes the same color as pansies.

Miyu: Don't bother. I'll get the mop and bucket this time.

Mesmerized, she didn't see the scepter come racing toward her. A blinding pain ripped through Sailor Moon's head.

Axl: Yeah, that's what happens when you read this fic. And Suethor... how hard is it to say that Sailor Moon had a headache?
Emi: Apparently, it's harder than my high school entrance exams.

Dimly, she noticed the ground rushing up to meet her.

Axl: And that's flowery prose for... "she fell".

It was her last conscious thought.

Emi: My last conscious thought involved punching the Sue's lights out.
Akiko: You too, huh?

The other scouts tried to peer through the mist while fighting desperately to free themselves.

"Sailor Moon?! Tuxedo Mask?! Uranus?! Pluto?!" came the anxious cries. As suddenly as it had come, the mist vanished. Pluto froze and Uranus collapsed. All of a sudden, the Scouts and Darien were free.

Axl: Sue magic. Shazam!

Darien fell to the ground, spread eagle.

Akiko: Well, if that isn't symbolism for Sues doing that to the poor sap, I don't know what is.

All the scouts dropped to they're knees,

Emi: *changes "they're" to "their"* That always annoyed me.

taking a moment to rest their tired limbs before springing into action. Mercury and Mars rushed to Darien's side, while Neptune and Saturn made a beeline for Uranus. Jupiter, Venus and Pluto all gazed around the park, Sailor Moon was no where in sight.

Miyu: *as she's mopping* Wonderful. So the Sue kidnapped Sailor Moon. You know, this fic is... ugh. Forget it. *continues mopping*

Mercury and Mars turned Darien over, trying not to hurt him. But even the minimal movement caused stabs of pain throughout his body. Darien moaned, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, he saw two anxious faces staring down at him.

"How badly is he hurt?" Sailor Mars inquired.

"I'm scanning him now." Mercury replied. "Seems like he's got a mild concussion, a few third-degree burns. Other than that, mild cuts and scrapes and he is horribly bruised. All that should heal in a few weeks though."

Akiko: I think this fic gave Axl a concussion.
Emi: One that he's causing on his own! *places a pillow on the table to stop Axl* Mr. James, please don't bash your skull in!

"What about Uranus?"

"Virtually the same. I know that this is going to sound odd, but it's almost like that woman didn't really want to hurt Uranus. She could have killed Uranus, she had the opportunity, but she didn't."

Axl: *smacks the pillow away, headdesks*
Miyu: You know you've done something wrong when you're stronger than all of the Senshi combined. I think that Miss Miyadama--
Akiko: Just call me Akiko!
Miyu: Okay. Well, I believe that Akiko's correct. I'm honestly convinced that this is a self-insert now.

Mars and Jupiter looked at Mercury incredulously, realizing slowly that she was right. Darien groaned again and all thoughts concerning Uranus's marked lack of injuries were put aside.

Emi: Yes, never mind that she's knocked out and could've been killed! Yes, let's forget about your comrade entirely! *mutters* Idiots...

"Serena." Darien gritted out "Where is she?"

Horror settled over Mars's features. "Scan for her, Mercury!"

Axl: Uh... she's gone, man. Any moron should've known that by now.

Mercury began typing furiously. Moments later, she looked up, confused. "She isn't in a five mile radius."

"No," Darien whispered.

Axl: Yeah. She's gone. Gone like Kanye West's sanity.
Miyu: We're going to be sued now.

Oh, Endymion! trilled a voice inside Darien's head. He grabbed his skull with both hands, clenching his teeth in agony.

Axl: He grabbed his skull? Guy certainly has some claws for fingers, huh?
Akiko: Is the narrator speaking to Tuxedo Mask... er... Endymion... er... whoever that guy is...?
Miyu: Nope. The Suethor forgot to insert punctuation again.
Emi: I think they went on strike. Mr. Manic told me about a fic where the commas went on strike...
Axl: Yeah? What was it about?
Emi: *rubs her back a little* Oh, you do not want me to begin.

All the Scouts came rushing over to him, Uranus leaning on Neptune. I have decided that I don't want to kill your body. After all, that wouldn't be very satisfying for me in the long run. When I think about it, that is so sudden and even if I made you death as painful as I could, it still wouldn't make up for the centuries of loneliness and grief. I want to destroy the very foundations of your soul, like you did to me. And I have found the perfect way to do it. Better get used to life without your meatball head of a sweetheart.

Emi: ...the Sue has another power. She can send telepathic messages. Joy of joys.
Miyu: I can only do that with people I'm close to. This is insane.
Axl: What a selfish ass. We're supposed to sympathize with her?
Akiko: Uh... yes?
Axl: Then this fic can bite my furry tail.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Darien screamed "Give her back, give her back...," he moaned brokenheartedly as a single tear crept beneath his tightly closed eyelids. Just before the waves of grief, guilt and pain became too much for him, Darien heard mocking laughter echoing in his mind.

Miyu: I'd call for my replacement, but I don't think I want to put her through this torture.
Emi: I would.
Miyu: You're sadistic.
Emi: I am... sometimes.

THE END.

All: *staring at the screen*

Kidding, kidding.

All: *glaring at the screen*

Well, I think I'm funny.

All: *gets up, picks up the couch, throws it through the screen, breaks the wall*
Akiko: That's what we think of your "humor", Suethor!

I am still conducting my poll. No conclusive results as yet.

Axl: Because I don't want to talk to a smug little sh--
Emi: Mr. James! This fic's terrible, yes, but...
Axl: Y'know, the "don't insult the author" rule gets pretty tough when the author is smug as shit.
Akiko: Yeah, he does have a point there.

Again, the question is:

Who is your favorite Sailor Senshi/Scout?

Miyu: Does it matter? Honestly.

Mail me and let me know.

Akiko: Sorry, Suethor. With the way you sound, I'd rather talk to Jay.
Emi: *in a low voice* That was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.
Rory: *steps through the hole in the wall* Hey, uh... so I finished tuning Cassy's skates. And I tripped over the couch. Could one of you get it out of my workstation, please?
Miyu, Emi, Axl, Akiko: *laugh nervously as they move the couch back into the living room*
Axl: Speaking of that... how the heck could you trip over a couch, Rory?
Rory: Uh... you guys threw it in here... breaking the wall and stuff... who's gonna repair it?
Miyu: Well... we have Mary Sue magic for that, Rory.

--

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