Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 14: Sailor Moon and the Golden Key (Part Three)

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Universe had arrived at the Golden City in no time. “Whom are you?” asked a voice. “I am the almighty Sailor Universe!” shouted Sailor Universe.

James: Wank, wank, wank. Bloody fuckin' hell.

The gate then opened. And Sailor Universe walked through.

Jessie: And then the gate abruptly slammed on her neck, choking her to death.
Emi: After that, she was resurrected... in the same place. She then choked to death again.

“Sailor Universe?” a guard called out. “Yes what is it?” asked Universe “Sailor Galaxy, Sailor Planet, and Sailor Destiny are waiting for you in the GGC2 conference room.” Replied the Guard. “Alright I’m on my way.” Said Universe.

Manic: I'm surprised that she didn't spit on the guard's shoes. It probably should've happened since she loves to look down on everyone.

Universe ran up the golden stairway and down the corridor toward the west wing. She went into a room, which was a really large room with everything covered in silver Satin. Of course this room belonged to Universe.

James: Of course I don't give a fuck.

Universe went over to what looked like a closet and opened the door. In the matter of fact it wasn’t a closet at all, instead it was a small corridor which led to a Gold, Silver, green, Pink, and now she noticed a thin line of another color which was never their before.

Manic: Ugh, technicolor vomit.
Emi: Just like this fic. Should've known that Mary Sues always lacked fashion sense.

She told her self that she must have been just imagining things. She placed her hand on the hand scanner and of course as always it turned green which meant the door is unlocked. Universe opened the door and noticed that someone that she has never recognized before was sitting at her seat. “You wanted me? And I don’t believe I gave you my permission to take a seat in the immortal chair, now unless you want to feel my wrath I suggest you get up and explain why you are here in the first place, for it is my duty to know about every single Sailor Scout and of course as always the Safety of Queen Rosalina!” Screamed Universe.

Jessie: Don't make me come over there. I will stick my hand down your throat and rip out your fucking liver. You're working my last goddamn nerve with your asshole attitude, you useless cumstain of a Sue.
James: The protagonist, ladies and Manic. She threatens to kill people who sit in a chair.
Manic: *tired* I hate her. I know that I'm normally a patient dude, but I'm so tired of her garbage, man.
James: I know, mate.

“Universe I’m not surprised that you don’t recognize me for you haven’t seen me since the DAY of DESTINY!” said the unfamiliar person.

Manic: You... what? Why are you yelling? And wasn't the "Day of Destiny" the dub name of that final episode in the "Negaverse" arc?
Emi: Yes. These Suethors really are that uncreative.

Everyone looked at Universe, because Universe has never said anything about the DAY of DESTINY.

Jessie: Take a swig for every scream of that.

“I don’t know who you are, but why would you want to ever bring such a horrible day up? Are you trying to remind me of my past and why I fled Nakomia right before I gave my life to protect the one thing that keeps peace in our worlds?” asked Universe.

James: *in a mocking tone* Oh, poor widdle arsehole Mary Sue has a "twagic past"? *normal voice* I don't care. Go fuck yourself.

“Not at all. I came here because I was called upon. I only brought it up because that was the last TIME we were together.

Emi: ...why is "time" in all caps? Did Mr. Trump tweet again?
Manic: *writing* This fic is GARBAGE! I don't even KNOW why I'm HERE! This is a PRESIDENTIAL tweet!

Don’t you remember who I am?” asked the unfamiliar person. She stood up in her soft blue evening gown and waited for Universe’s reply. “Well, I certainly do know who you are now anyway. But answer me this Elena do you know why it is called the DAY of DESTINY?” asked Universe.

James: No, and I still don't care.

“No, but I do know that when I finally found you… … … you were lying on the ground crying, and you blamed yourself for your mother’s death,

Jessie: *unfazed* Oh, look. We have a moment where we're supposed to sympathize with that anus boil.
Manic: It didn't work when Sasha tried it, and it's not gonna work here.

when you saw me you told me you never wanted to see me again, but I know that you didn’t mean it because you were angry. If you wish, I can take us all back to that frightful event so it will all be clear to us.” Replied Elena. “No, that won’t be necessary, but maybe in due time.” Answered Universe. “I’m sorry for being so rude, now let me introduce myself. I am known as the most powerful sage of all time… I am Sailor Time… the keeper and ruler of time itself.” Said Sailor Time.

Emi: Um... we had a Sailor Pluto for that. Oh, wait... she somehow left this nonsense.
Manic: Why is Sailor Time apologizing for being rude when Sueniverse snapped at her?
James: Because it's never the Mary Sue's fault. Suedom Law states it.

“Oh, by the way, my name is Elena.” Said Sailor Time.

Jessie: This fic is really insulting my intelligence. It's pissing me the hell off.

“Now that everyone knows each other. I called this meeting to discuss the where about of Sailor Crescent. Universe do you have any idea where she might be since you were one of the scouts to go to Rindas~?” asked Queen Rosalina. “Well, actually we had decided to check her castle but when we got to the throne room who ever was in there vanished right before we entered.” Answered Sailor Universe. “Do you think it’s a good idea to get the other scouts involved in this?” asked Sailor Destiny. “I think it is best if we send the original five scouts back to Earth because who no’s what havoc has broken loose since they were away.” Answered Sailor Universe.

Manic: Translation: Kick them out so the Mary Sues can hog the spotlight again.

“What do you think Queen Rosalina, you make the decisions here?” asked Sailor Universe. “I think your right this mission is to dangerous, but I’m more concerned about Sailor Mini Moon. Should we send her back to Earth with Sailor Crescent still on the loose?” asked Queen Rosalina. “I think she will be safe on Earth, after all she has the protection of the Golden Key which is connected strait to me, Sailor Destiny.

Emi: How did this fic get even worse with the hand holding?
James: I didn't know that it was possible for a shitty fanfic to get worse, but here we are.
Jessie: James, we riffed Benji Himura's garbage. We should already know about shitty fanfics getting worse.

Now, what are we suppose to tell the scouts?” asked Sailor Destiny. “Well we shouldn’t tell them are plan for I’m afraid if they get involved it might be too deadly, and besides I can’t protect everyone at the same time. I’m only capable of protecting two at a time.” Answered Sailor Universe.

Jessie: Oh, look. She has limits on her Sue abilities. Yeah, I'm not buying that random bullshit. Fuck off.

“Leave the original five to me, I will simply tell them that they are no longer needed here in the Golden City,

James: ...or for the remainder of this fic... and maybe the remaining two fics...

but they are mostly needed on Earth right now.” Said Sailor Planet. “Good idea, go and get rid of them now so we can get started with our plans.” Commanded Queen Rosalina. “Yes your majesty.” Replied Sailor Planet. So then Planet left the conference room to tend to the other scouts. All of the sudden, Universe started screaming and disappearing.

Emi: Well, that new plot thread came out of nowhere!
Manic: Wait, she's disappearing?!
All: *cheering*
James: Wait. Savor it again.
All: *sits for ten minutes*
Jessie: Alright, celebration's over. Time to hate ourselves again.

“Universe what is happening to you!” exclaimed Sailor Time. “She’s on the moon!………….. Please hurry………… Crescent is on the moon… she’s destroying my existence!” whispered Sailor Universe.

Jessie: It's official. Sailor Crescent's the real protagonist.

“No! Mother!” cried Sailor Destiny. Sailor Destiny then left the Conference room. Although the other scouts don’t know where Destiny is going, they continued to try and help Universe.

Sailor Destiny was on her way to the moon. She tried thinking why they would want to take over the moon.

Manic: Because it's the friggin' Moon!
Emi: And she's supposed to be the future Mini Moon. You know, these so-called "protagonists" really aren't that smart.

As she neared the moon she could sense heavy Nega Vibes coming from the moon. Suddenly Destiny could feel her self being pulled into a huge black hole down on the moon. “What! I can’t move something is controlling me!” cried Destiny but no one else was around to hear her or even help her. The next thing she knew she was in the dungeon of the Moon Castle. She then noticed that she wasn’t alone. “Who’s there?” shouted Sailor Destiny. “Wow, it looks like I caught something valuable.” Said the person in the shadow of the dungeon. “What do you mean something valuable? I can’t be owned, and just who are you?” asked Sailor Destiny.

Manic: Well, your Sue mom owns everything and everyone, so...

“I am Princess Emma of the New Nega Moon, oh but you might know me as Sailor Crescent! Now if you don’t mind I would like you to hand over your immortal powers including The Golden Key!” exclaimed Princess Emma. “Are you nut’s? I’ll never give you my powers!” yelled Destiny.

Jessie: No, but that random apostrophe is nuts.

“Oh but I think that you have no choice you see in the next 24 hours if no one comes and saves you… Sailor Universe will be gone, and you will be my personal Immortal bodyguard, which means you will belong to me!” exclaimed Princess Emma. “No!” shouted Destiny.

Emi: Um... number one, why would you set it for a full day? That gives the Sailor Sue squad more than enough time to counteract. Number two, if Sueniverse poofs away, Sailor Destiny should also poof away, too.
James: Why are you using logic? That's not allowed.

“Yes! Now Marina use your mind control power now. I want her power stick!” commanded Princess Emma. Marina then stepped out of the shadow and said, “Yes your Majesty. Marina Mind Control”. Shouted Marina.

Manic: You're just brainwashing her. You didn't need to shout it to the world.

Destiny and Marina say together, “Here take my powers they rightfully belong to you, not me. I’m yours to be owned, I belong in your personal collection along with the other Wicken Sisters. Grant me a power and I will defeat the other scouts.”

James: Axl read this, right?

Then under control Destiny powers down to Caranovia and hands over her power stick. They say again, “I’m afraid I don’t have the golden key. Young Mini Moon has it.” Then Marina’s mind control ends. “Thanks for the powers. I think I will go and try them out!” exclaimed Princess Emma. “You can try, but my powers will never work for you! And beware once Mini Moon has the Golden Key for four days no one else can use the power of the golden key but her! Oh and by the way by tomorrow night the four days are complete!” exclaimed Destiny.

Jessie: Great. You just gave them a reason to speed up the attack, you dumbass.

“No matter, because remember by tomorrow morning you will work for me and your mind will be mine!” exclaimed Princess Emma. Princess Emma then left the dungeon with Marina.

Princess Emma went and retired to her room for the night as she sent Marina back to Earth to give the other Wicken Sisters the news to find Mini Moon and quick. As she entered her room she found her beloved Prince Orion waiting for her. “My love you wouldn’t believe what I caught tonight. Since the Nega Power here on the New Nega Moon is so strong my dark hole was able to capture something quite valuable.” Said Princess Emma.

All: *snickering*
Emi: I don't think that "dark hole" was a good choice of words there...

“What did you catch that is so valuable that has you looking ever so radiant tonight?” asked Prince Orion. “I caught Sailor Destiny, and look she even gave me her powers. Even though I can’t use them do you think we can transfer the energy out of this power stick and feed it to the Dark Crystal?” asked Princess Emma. “I imagine that it might be possible, but it could take some time.” Answered Prince Orion “Well we have all the time in the world because by tomorrow she is on our side, and once and for all we can be rid of those pesky Sailor Scouts. Mainly ‘The Forbidden Trio’ (Galaxy, Universe and Planet).”

Jessie: We already know who they... you know what, I'm just going to shove a dunce cap up your fuckin' ass and be done with it.

“Don’t get your hopes up because anything could happen, but then again we have the Wicken Sisters as well.” Said Prince Orion.

Manic: No, Sueniverse is going to do all the work... as usual. Blah, blah, blah.
Emi: Manic, she's disappearing.
Manic: Still.

Back in the Golden City the five original sailor scouts including Renee were sent back to Earth, unaware of them needing Renee and the power of the Golden Key to find Destiny. “Queen Rosalina they are gone now. Oh and by the way I just saw Destiny. It looked like she was in a hurry. Do you have any idea where she could of gone?” asked Sailor Planet. “The Moon” replied Queen Rosalina. Queen Rosalina then raised the Golden Staff (The Golden Staff is the Golden Key to the Golden Gate when Queen Rosalina is transformed into Sailor Galaxy), and disguised her self as a maiden.

Emi: I'm golden confused. Also, did she just steal the purpose of Sailor Moon's transformation pen?
James: Damn cheap knockoff Sues. Why not write fics with the original Sailors in them?
Jessie: Because they're not as great as these dollar store Sues.

A servant who works in the Castle of Prince Orion (on the moon).

Manic: We know that he's on the friggin'... *facepalms* I hate this fic. I wish I could switch with someone.

“Where are you going? Do you wish for me to come with you?” asked Sailor Planet. “No, it will only cause suspicion throughout the castle.” Replied Queen Rosalina, and with that she tapped her staff twice on the floor and she was gone.

Jessie: She's going to bring her big ass staff with her? Isn't that going to cause suspicion as well? Good lord, these dumbasses aren't very bright.

Planet then walked off to find Universe and Time. She found Time in Universes’ bedroom. Time was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to understand why her friend had disappeared. “Hey Time, where is Sailor Universe?” asked Sailor Planet.

James: I wish she was in Hell.
Jessie: She'll be there shortly.

“Sailor Universe isn’t here, … … she disappeared shortly after Destiny left. I just don’t understand how she could just disappear like that.” Said Sailor Time. “What do you mean she disappeared?” asked Planet.

Emi: It's exactly what it means. She poofed. Disappeared. Do you want a thesaurus for more terms?

Back at the moon while Planet and Time were trying to figure out what happened, Princess Emma was about to introduce Caranovia as the fifth Wicken Sister, when a servant had told her that Prince Orion needed her right away.

James: We already know that the servant is Rosalina. Jesus fuckin' hell, this fic sucks.

“Very well. Tell him I’m on my way.” Commanded Princess Emma. “Now, girls I would like to introduce the new member of the Wicken Sisters. Introducing Caranovia. Now girls I am leaving it up to you to train her and give her a new name like Orica.

Manic: What a dumb name.

But by tomorrow night Prince Orion and I will expect you all to come and show us what you have taught her, now get to work!” said Princess Emma as she left the room.

Manic: What are they gonna teach her?
Emi: They're going to teach her how to do their taxes.

After Princess Emma left the room the Wicken Sisters wasted no time in training the new Sister. The Wicken Sisters then took her back to their quarters to figure out a valuable name to give to her that no one else would recognize.

James: Her name was "A".
Jessie: Find a better name.
James: Fine. How about this? *writes a question mark*
Jessie: Much better.

“Now why don’t you go and pick a quarter where you feel the most comfortable.” Said Aurora. She then did as she was told. She headed around the corner to a golden color door. “Good choice. Now why don’t you go in and get changed and we will meet back out here for a nice training session. You have twenty minutes.” Commanded Aurora. She than did as she was told. “Now what do you think we should name her?” asked Laura. “WE! Excuse me I am the one who is naming her. After all I am the leader. She will be like my daughter, since she is so young.” Answered Aurora. “I think that is a splendid idea. You deserve a child of your own but to make it final you will need to capture Darien and marry him as well.

Emi: What in the world is this nonsense? He's not a sperm bank! Why does everyone need to marry him or be impregnated by him?
James: He's probably the only guy with sperm in this dumb fic's universe.

We all know that Sailor Universe is already gone.” Said Kathryn. “That’s a wonderful idea! Hurry Kathryn go to Earth it is almost midnight their he’ll be asleep. Do not wake him just simply teleport him here. Try not to be noticed. Here go disguised as Sailor Universe.” Commanded Aurora. Kathryn then teleported to Earth.

Manic: This is the dumbest plan I've ever seen. How... why... forget it. *takes four shots of Bleepka*
Emi: *bored* This fic still isn't ending, is it?
Jessie: Nope. We still have a lot left.
Emi: *flatly* Hooray.

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