Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 14: Sailor Moon and the Golden Key (Part Two)

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(Meanwhile inside the castle.)

“Emma, how is our attack on Mars going?” asked a tall young gentleman (Known as Prince Orion).

Jessie: Didn't need the parenthesis.
Manic: Who is Emma?
Emi: Sailor Crescent.
Manic: Man, she's bad at hiding. I was joking about the giant billboard.
Emi: And we have no description of Prince Orion. He might as well be a walking stick figure.
Jessie: We barely got descriptions of everyone else. They're all walking stick figures.

“Well your majesty, the attack is going great! Listen I have a great plan.” Said Emma. “Please Emma call be Orion. And what is your plan?” asked Prince Orion. Emma moved closer to Orion and sat on his lap. She began to kiss him, and then she told him the plan.

James: I think we know what the real plan is.
Jessie: No.

“Well the plan is to capture young Renee and get the golden Key. After we get the golden Key I can transfer its power to me and become immortal. So you and I can be together forever and rule the world!” said Emma. They then kissed again. “Oh! Emma, it’s a splendid idea. Also I was thinking for the one year anniversary of the death of Sensara that we go and attack the Moon Kingdom and Make it ours!” said Prince Orion.

Emi: ...wait, a year passed? What is happening here? This fic really is all over the place!
James: I think we found the fic where time moves at the speed of light. How old are we now?
Jessie: I'm now 302 years old. James, you're 301, and Manic and Emi are now 298.
Manic: Guess we have been riffing for a long time. No wonder my sister said this. *presses play on his digital recorder* "They never knew what logic was. Do you honestly think that these morons have any semblance of time?" *stops the recording* Yep.
Emi: *looks through Mai's notes* By the way, since Sensara died... whatever happened to Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto? The first fic said that they worked for her or something like that.
Manic: Axl left Tails's scanner for us, so let's check. *taps the scanner* Um... they weren't in the fic that my sister riffed, right?
James: Right.
Manic: Huh. They also don't show up in this fic... or the fics after this one.
Jessie: *facepalms* I hate everything right now.

“When can we get started?” asked Emma. “When ever you want.” Said Prince Orion. They kissed again. “Let’s go now!

James: Skip the foreplay and go right into it.
Emi: Wait. Wasn't Emma going on and on about a baby in the previous fic?
Jessie: These assholes have the memory levels of acorns.
Manic: Don't say that to Axl. He'll insist that the acorns can remember more stuff than these folks.

Crescent Nega Star Power! (Emma then transformed into Sailor Crescent.) Crescent Moon Teleportation!” shouted Emma. Prince Orion and Emma teleported to the moon.

Manic: Wait, who's on the friggin' Moon now? Who's the supposed new ruler?
Jessie: It's probably going to be her now.

Just then Sailor Universe blasted a hole through the doors and found that who ever was in the throne room is gone. “She’s not here anymore.” Said Sailor Star. “Then we better get back to the Golden City.” Said Sailor Galaxy. So then Galaxy teleported back to the golden City.

Emi: Investigate? No, let's not do that. Let's just go back home so Sailor Crescent can wreak more havoc somewhere else.

Now team two was already on Mars talking to the king, who was being hidden from the Aliens. Who took over the castle and even the capital of Mars!

All: *flatly* What.
Manic: I quit.

“You see Sailor Planet they are very strong and even with the power of Mars we cannot beat them!” exclaimed The King of Mars. “Don’t worry, together as a team we can beat them.” Answered Sailor Planet.

James: You mean that only Sailor Sueniverse can beat them. Teamwork doesn't exist in this tripe, remember?

“Alright scouts lets head out!” said Planet. The Sailor Scouts then moved out. The Sailor scouts headed toward the castle, when a huge ball of fire was launched at them. “Mercury Shine Aqua Elusion!” shouted Mercury. Now instead of a huge fireball heading toward them they had a huge ice ball to deal with. In the back round they could see four beautiful young women staring at them through an open window. Then Sailor Orbit waves her hand and makes the ice ball larger then what it seems, then Sailor Planet leaps up into the air and gives the ice ball a good kick aiming it toward the window of the throne room. Next thing those wemon knew there was a gigantic ice ball-heading strait their way and it was too late to stop it. The ice ball hit the castle making a huge hole in the wall. When the smoke cleared away the women were gone, and the scouts looked puzzled.

Jessie: What in the utter hell did we just read here?
Emi: I'd say "nonsense", but the entire fic has been full of nonsense.
James: This's some pure bollocks right here.

They then enter the castle through the big hole in the wall. “Wow this is definitely the castle of Mars… everything’s red!” exclaimed Sailor Venus.

Jessie: Just like my level of patience with this thing.

“Hey who dares to break into our castle!” exclaimed a mysterious voice. “Who’s there?” asked Sailor Planet. “Oh, well the people of Mars call us Aliens! But truly we are the Wicken Sisters!” exclaimed the mysterious voice.

Manic: Great. More characters that we won't be able to remember.

They all then stepped out of the shadows and mentioned their names, “I’m Aurora, I’m Laura, I’m Kathryn, and I’m Marina, and we are the Wicken sisters!”

Emi: They're just poor knockoffs of the Spectre Sisters.
James: They're also one giant blob, too. Didn't even use paragraph breaks or nothing.
Manic: Kathryn was an alien the whole time? Now I know how she warped Knothole to do her bidding.
Jessie: You still hate her after all those years, huh?
Manic: Yep.

“Well we are the Sailor scouts, Sailor Planet, Sailor Orbit, Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Venus and Sailor Mercury!” exclaimed the Sailor Scouts.

Emi: Of course the Sailor Sues have to go first.

“Well this will teach you to step on our turf! Nega thorns embrace!” shouted Aurora. All of a sudden Aurora had shot huge thorns glowing with a dark power at Sailor Planet. “Planet Elemental shield!” shouted Sailor Planet, but nothing happened for Marina was using her mind control! The huge Nega thorns hit Planet all at once. “Ahh… Orbit watch out for Marina!” yelled Planet. Planet was injured severely and thus could no longer fight so she went and hid her self so she could call for some help. “Marina Mind Control!” Shouted Marina. Marina used her mind control to take over Orbits body. At the same time Marina and Orbit said together, “Orbit Ice Crystals Shimmer!” The ice crystals were headed strait toward Sailor Venus. But luckily Sailor Venus was able to dodge them. “No, She dodged them!” shouted Marina.

James: *flatly* Thrilling. I'm on the edge of my seat.

Out of the corner of their eyes they saw two other Sailor Scouts appear.

“Who are you to intrude on our little game?” asked Aurora. “I’m Sailor Sun and I am Sailor Mars, we are here to insist that in the name of Galaxy, you’ll be history!” said the two other Sailor Scouts.

Emi: I thought that Mars wasn't supposed to go. Now she's here. What happened?
Jessie: "What happened?" has got to be the question of this whole mess.
James: That and the "this happened offscreen" stuff.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha… you actually made me laugh! Beat this! Nega Thunder electrifies!” screamed Laura. “Sun burn attack!” yelled Sailor Sun. The two powers collided and canceled each other out. “Mars Fire Ignite!” Sailor Mars shouted quickly aware of the damage that has been done to her fellow scouts that these Wicken Sisters aren’t easy to beat. “Marina Mirror Shield!” Marina responded quickly. The fire then bounced of Marina’s shield and hit Sailor Mercury with no warning. All attention then was drawn to mars, for she raised her arms and whispered, “GALAXY STARDUST!”

All: *cringing*
Manic: *as he holds his ears in pain* That's not a whisper...

All of a sudden a golden glowing dust surrounded the four girls. “What’s going on I can’t move?” Kathryn said puzzled. “Wow where did that come from?” asked Sailor Mars.

Manic: Huh? Didn't you yell it out? What is going on here? I don't understand any of this crap.

We better try to contact Sailor Universe I think that she’s the only one really strong enough to handle this.

All: *bored* Of course she is.

So I’ll go back to Galaxy and get her, everyone else stay here until I get back.” Said Planet. “Planet Galaxy Teleportation!” shouted Sailor Planet. Sailor Planet then transported back to Galaxy.

Emi: Why would you want your allies to stay so the sisters can harm them further? Also... you just gave away your other ally's location right front of the enemy!
Manic: Criminy, good really is dumb.
James: Just the good guys? The villains aren't that much smarter, either.

(Meanwhile back in the Golden City)

Team one had just arrived back at Galaxy. “Sailor Galaxy, Sailor Sun and Sailor Mars have gone to Mars to help out Team two.” Said Sailor Mini Moon. “What! Are they that strong?” questioned Galaxy. Out of the corner of their eyes they saw Planet arrive in bad shape. “Planet! What happened to you?” asked Sailor Galaxy. “Those Aliens. They aren’t really aliens you know; they are the Wicken Sisters.

Emi: You know about the backstory of the Wicken Sisters? You know, the backstory that was never touched upon?!
James: Oh, they're powerful... just because... no reason.

They are pretty strong too even too strong for the others and me; right now Mars used her stardust so they can’t move. I came to get heavy backup.” Answered Planet. “Well I guess that would be me… wait did you say the Wicken Sisters?” asked Sailor Universe. “Yes, I did why?” asked Planet. “Their back. I knew they’d come back. They’re after me. It’s me they want.

Jessie: For what reason?
James: Because.
Emi: We have no backstory on why the Wicken Sisters want Sailor Sueniverse. We have yet another random plot point that makes no sense.
Manic: These fics make no sense. We'll never know about this "Sailor Black Hole", what happened in the year since Sensa's death, where the Outers went, or this Wicken Sisters stuff.

I’m going to Mars I’ll send the others back to recover, her stardust isn’t going to last much longer. While I’m gone, Sailor Star find out where Sailor Crescent is!” exclaimed Sailor Universe as she teleported. “Universe Mars Teleportation!” Thus Universe teleported to Mars. “Wait a minute, Mars doesn’t have stardust.” Said Galaxy.

James: Now we know why she said "Galaxy Stardust". Wait, since when did a Scout borrow other moves?
Emi: Don't ask. It's just another random ability.

When Sailor Universe arrived at Mars she saw Aurora holding up Sailor Mars ready to kill her. “Let her go!” shouted Sailor Universe. “It’s me you want.” Aurora then threw Sailor Mars to the floor and said “Fine. Well, well, well. Our prey has finally came back.”

Manic: What do you mean that she came back? What's happening?
Jessie: Bullshit.

“Sailor’s go home now.” Commanded Sailor Universe. They did what they were told because they knew that Universe was stronger then all of them put together.

All: *screaming in agony*
James: I knew that it was coming, and I'm still pissed off at this!
Emi: *angrily grumbles as she mops up a wank puddle* I hate this gauntlet.
Manic: *wearily stamps "Epic Failure" on Emi's notes* It's a warning for the next group.

“You should have joined us when you had the chance! All right girls our fun is over. Grab her and lets have some serious fun! Would you like to do the honor’s Aurora?” asked Marina.

Jessie: You just said that fun time was over, but now you want... fun. Okay, whatever.

“Yes I would we will do it at sun down. For now put her in the rebirth cage.” Said Aurora.

James: If your audience is rooting for the villains to kill the main character, you're doing it wrong.

The rebirth cage is a cage where the rails are made of rebirth magic. Well at sun down the people of Mars gathered around to what they herd was suppose to be a great show.

Emi: That made a grand total of zero sense.

“People of Mars. We the Aliens as you say have a great offering to your new King! King Orion! The offering is this Immortal being, which can only be killed by the power of rebirth!” exclaimed Aurora. The crowd then roared with excitement. “See Universe they don’t mind having a new king.” Remarked Marina.

James: Actually, we don't mind seeing her dead. Forget the king.

“The only reason they don’t mind is because you have some kind of spell over them. Go ahead and kill me, you will never get rid of me until my destiny is fulfilled.” Snorted Universe.

Jessie: That's nice, dear. Now go fuck yourself. Loudly.

“Destiny eh! Fulfill this! Rebirth renewal eclipse!” Shouted Aurora. All of sudden the sun disappeared as if an eclipse was going on.

Manic: *with a dunce cap* I think we got the hint with the "Rebirth renewal eclipse" thing.

There was total silence as Aurora shouted: “all mighty ones lend me your power to rid of this immortal once and for all. I call upon the power of the almighty Ruda ruler of all the Nega Verse. Help me now!” A huge beam of blue fire like light engulfed Sailor Universe. Once the light was gone and the sun reappeared Universe was lying on the ground.

All: *cheering*
Manic: Someone really did it wrong!
James: Wait. We need to savor this shit.
All: *sits for ten minutes*
Jessie: Okay, honeymoon period's over. Let's get back to that diseased vaginal discharge of a Sue.
Emi: It was nice while it lasted.

The Wicken Sisters turned toward the castle and started to walk as a voice from above called out to Sailor Universe. “You have not fulfilled your destiny rise Sailor Universe and once more strive to fulfill your destiny. There is no way around it. Rise!” Called out the voice.

James: Who or what is that stupid Deus Ex Machina? I want to kill it with every explosive I have.

Once Sailor Universe arose the voice was gone. The Wicken Sister’s looked behind them and saw Sailor Universe standing as strong as ever. With glowing eyes she said in a mocking voice: “I told you I can’t die until my destiny is fulfilled!”

Manic: Our protagonist. She's supposed to be Sailor Moon?
Emi: I refuse to accept that garbage.

“What do you mean until your destiny is fulfilled?” asked Laura. Because Universe knew that they would be unable to defeat Galaxy, she simply replied: “My destiny is to protect the Queen of all the Galaxy until it is her time to depart from life as we know it.”

James: ...so... she's never dying. Ever.
Manic: *sarcastically* What a well-rounded character.

“The Queen of the entire Galaxy, eh? Well who is this queen that you are referring to?” asked Aurora. “That is for me to know and you to never find out!” exclaimed Sailor Universe.

Jessie: I hate you so much, you fucking little diarrhea puke.
James: Are we referring to Galaxy's true name?
Jessie: Yes.
James: Oh, good. I was getting worried that these folks would be dumber than they already are.

At that Universe simply clapped her hands and vanished. What the Wicken Sisters didn’t know is that Universe was on her way to see the Queen now.

Emi: *bored* Sure. Don't leave us in suspense. Just tell us everything right out of the gate.

The Wicken Sisters then turned to each other with a puzzle on their face.

Manic: They're missing corner pieces.

“Where do you think she went?” asked Marina.

Jessie: Unfortunately, it wasn't Hell.

“I don’t know, but Prince Orion is not going to like this one bit!” exclaimed Kathryn. “Well we better go and find her or it’s our heads for sure.” Said Laura. So then the Wicken Sister’s first went to Earth to search for Sailor Universe.

Emi: It's always Earth, isn't it?
James: Yep.
Jessie: *sighs* I can't wait to be done with this crap. How much more garbage do we have left?
Manic: Too much.
Jessie: *flatly* Yay.

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