Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Two Riffers, Episode 1: Bloody Moon (Part Three)

--

Warning: You have reached Part Three, which contains another sex scene.

--

7. an old friend

Manic: Translation: Another fling.

dis iz it! dis chafta took along time!111 hop u leik it!111

Sonia: And by "along time", she meant "two minutes".

I stortred 2 cry rainbow teerz of bloood

Sonia: *chugs her tea, lightly taps her forehead*
Manic: Brain freeze?
Sonia: Mm-hmm.

tht ran down my awsume black akatsuki cloak (TOLD U SHESW A Ninja!1111!).

Manic: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What happened to the writing?
Sonia: It hit "My Immortal" standards.

Edwred picvked up bellos bi the arm and turned around and said with fire n hiz eyez, "I don't neeed u antmore babe! Mi and Beelas arez going to japan cuz im half Japanenes fureVer w/ bella and mai Familiaay."

Manic: And a good chunk of our fellow riffers were heavily offended.

He said wth angerness and evilness and deprezzingly in hiz icy eyes. He cried romantikally.

Sonia: I facepalmed depressingly.

Edward waved his sexxxxy blaq heir in te wind and turdend arounfgd and walked away while wearing a black deadth punk hoddie and black tripp pants with 6 raven chainz.

Manic: No! No! Nobody cares!

Bellk stared me in sad ugly eyez cuz she waz upset or sumthing cuz I beat the shitte in off her cuz im a

Sonia: ...Mary Sue.

ninja.

Sonia: Exactly. A Mary Sue.

Jacup put me n hiz arms and we started 2 makkke 0ut.

Manic: Yeah, how nice to fight for Edward when you're making out with... well, someone who's obviously not Edward.

I picked up my kuneis and we lefty skool early.

Sonia: And then she got arrested for bringing a weapon to school.

We went 2 the forest and went 2 the lawke whrrere we had sexxxx a ga-jillion-bo-billionx100 times.

Manic: Huh?
Sonia: At this rate, her heart should've exploded. But you know she doesn't have one.

We sat on a black picnic blackeet and

Sonia: ...I hung them with it.

started talking. "lenobi whats wrong?" jacuupaskedleaning closer. "I…..I think I still leik Eddyward." I seid sexily.

Manic: Pfft. "Think", my ass.

"No, I thought I waxz the one babe, don't u luv me?

Sonia and Manic: No.

Besides edd doesn't lu more" he seid hotly, stroking he's long black heir.

Sonia: So... what is the heir inheriting? You know, aside from hours of illogical sex and tons of pubic hairs.

"I….I tink we should C other pople" I seid deprezzxinglyx.

Manic: C U L8R.

Jacup gasped and started to cry like a cool sexy mann.

Sonia: Or a whiny child. But mostly a whiny child.
Manic: You're saying that guys can't cry?
Sonia: I didn't say that; I said that Jacob's a whiny child. Ever read that constant whining he did in "Eclipse" and "Breaking Dawn"?
Manic: Yes... and some of my brain cells were permanently damaged in the process.

He stood up. "Girl, no matter how mush u hater or luv mi, I'll protect u 4ever" he left, taking the blanket w/ him. And As of now I had no place to stay.

Sonia: And who the hell's problem is that?
Manic: Not hers. Sue logic. And why can't she just stay with Jacob?
Sonia: Logic doesn't exist, and you know that.

And I left while cutting mi self so I cud die so I cud not member n e ting…..

Manic: Wait! Before you do that, can I have your stuff?
Sonia: Why do you want her stuff?
Manic: Black market buys everything, you know.
Sonia: *sighs*

I went 2 Drakinas home (it waz a drask blaq mansionz) and knocked on teh dooor .

Sonia: So... you did have a place to stay. Ninny.

Drakina opened teh door while weening blaq deprezzing nail polish. She haed a blaq sckull tipp corset and blaq jeanz.

Manic: *chokes Lenobia with his chains* Shut up, shut up, shut up!

She invetid mi inside heer hommacth. We wet in the dieing room and sat on teh blaq velvet couch .

Sonia: Did I just fail an eye test?
Manic: Either that or I could've sworn that I was drinking something heavy. And I don't even drink!

"gurl wats wrong?" drakinaa assed quitely lookin at me konserned.

Sonia: Aside from the fact that the keyboard was trying to commit suicide?

"its jaacup….." I cried! "her kicked me iout anddddddd edwort is goig to japen with bells ad they don't lick me anymore!

Manic: Dude! No! Calm down. There will be plenty of people who will lick you... for twenty bucks.
Sonia: Manic!

D"rakina hugge me, it will be okat" she said "you jusat gotta be strong, believe it!"

Sonia: I don't want to believe anything, Emo Naruto.
Manic: What about the stupid people that are breeding?
Sonia: That I can believe... unfortunately.

Just then!... … the phone rang! I picked up my sell and ansered. "hullo? Who dids?"

Sonia: I hope it's a call from your English teacher.

"hey babe its your ex… saskay!" saskay said to me. "I miss yu babe/ I wanna yu tyo be in japen with me hun. I luve yu."

I scopffeded. "but I thougt u gad Sockera? sHEs shoch a prepping hore!"

Sonia and Manic: *stare at the screen for five minutes*
Manic: You have got to be bullshitting me. There is no way that "Twilight" and freakin' "Naruto" can be crossed over!
Sonia: You have to realize that it was mentioned in a previous chapter.
Manic: But with the characters?
Sonia: Well... no...
Manic: Exactly.

"yea baba, shee's gonna. And ai luv u!" saskay said w/ dreprezzzingly.

Manic: Funny that that kinda describes him a bit accurately... only if you snip out the "love" part.

"IM going 2 japan!1111111111111111111111111111"

Sonia: Oh, dear heavens... Kyo's not going to like that.
Manic: Neither will the other Kyo... or anyone who lives in Japan, for that matter.

i do nut owwwn nareuto. dat beolongz 2 sum1 else!

Sonia: Yeah, "sum1 else" with a tiny bit more talent than you.
Manic: Emphasis on "tiny".

8. return to the kohnoha

Manic: As most Mary Sues do.

hey yall. srry i havnt posted n 4ever my bf kevin dumped me 4 sum prep named kelli. fuk yu n hell! god.

Sonia: I wonder why.
Manic: *hits Sonia's arm*
Sonia: Manic!
Manic: Below the belt, sis.

at lerast dis chappie iz up, its a long one 2 :)

Manic: :(

i hop u leik it!111!11!11!

Sonia: I hope that you'll change your writing style into something that is more readable.

A few dayz afta saskay called me I was finale goin 2 japen.

Manic: Why? You don't need to have your fail spread to a whole 'nother country!

I hed my bags packed and my bffl drakina was there wiff me. We got on the plane nd it waz very borin

Sonia: Just like this fic.

but then we were n japen.

"ohio!" I saed to saskay when we got off the plain and I huged and kisszed him./

Manic: Sis, I just got a message from Kyo.
Sonia: Which one?
Manic: LeMaire.
Sonia: What does it say?
Manic: Nothing... just an animation of an atom bomb going off.
Sonia: How appropriate.

he was whereing dark deprezzinm black clothes with chains and his hair was black n spiky and covereded his sexy face.

Sonia: I don't know if I should hit the troll for that.
Manic: You should.

( kiba was there waitn 4 drakina 2 and dey kissed too)

"hey babby, I mixed you"

Manic: And that's how babby is formed!

he said as we all wealked 2 his sexy car. Saskay droved us 2 the leef vilage.

Sonia: Okay, I refuse to believe anything now.

Qhen we gotted out I said stuff in japenese to all my old friends dere.

Manic: How do you say "Go to Hell!" in Japanese?
Sonia: I don't know... ask both Kyos.

I got lotsa mad stairs from angrey gurls who were jelus of how fuckin beaUtiful I was but dat happens al he time!111!1

Sonia: How ironic; I'd like to push you down an actual flight of stairs.

Drakina and kiba leeft 4 kibas house n then me and saskay where alone. We

Manic: *as Lenobia* ...did it eleventy billion kajillion timezzzz!!11!!111!1

walked to his favourite spot out n da woods n we sat don watchin the sunset. He slide his handz all ova my amazing body an said:

Sonia: *as Sasuke* I'm surprised that I haven't turned to stone yet!

"babe ur the most amazing beutiful gurl ever. I luv u."

Manic: Wait until she cheats on him.

"I luv u 2 saskay"

Manic: She's certainly throwing that "love" word around.
Sonia: Oh, well.

I said an then we started makin out. He pushed me gentely 2 da ground n took off my shirt and pants and his pants.

"I wanna fuck u"

Sonia: If you break into song, I will hurt you.
Manic: Aww.

he told me as he put his thingie into my spot.

Sonia and Manic: *attempting to illustrate that sentence*
Manic: I'm not sure that would even fit...

It was bigr then any1 elses and it felt sooooooooooooo0oooo good.

Manic: Why am I imagining a cactus without spikes going into her?
Sonia: No amount of corrosive acid will remove that thought from my mind for a good long while.

"oh!111111!11!1 yess!11!1" I screamed! With pleasure!

Sonia: You don't say!
Manic: With pleasure!

We did it a cuple timez untill it waz dark n then we feel asleep n teh gress under da stares….…

Manic: So... apparently... the sex was so mindblowing, she lost the ability to speak proper English.
Sonia: She already lost that ability, Manic.

Suddenly ib thr mourning we were suddenly wokrn up[. D sakura was stading wright abouve us like a bitch. She glared me and I growled at her.

Wat r u doing hear bitch?" I, said as my eyes narrowed n on her.

Manic: Yes, ignore the fact that she lives in the area. Dumbass.

"wel with saskay! He was mine!~" she screamed cuz shes ugly.

Sonia: You screamed earlier. Also, you're not helping your semen soaked image.
Manic: *smacks Sonia on the back of her head*
Sonia: Ow!

Saskay pushed saukra away from us n said "go away whore I never likeded u"

Sonia: Nobody liked her, anyway. And that's not the reason.
Manic: That is a reason to bad fanfic authors who like to bash her.

"but saskay im the only 1 4 u!" she cried like a wimp.

Manic: Hipocrisy Flakes! Part of this insane breakfast!

Pushing his lushious black emo hair to the side he sexily rapped his arms around meh hotbod proticilvy and said

Sonia: *as Sasuke* I never thought I'd ask for help before, but... help me, Sakura! I've been brainwashed by this... this thing!

"saruka I never cared cuz ur ugly n stupid n u are such a slut. I hated you! U stalked me n took pics of me naked while I waz datn gara!11!1!11!w3!"

Manic: Wait, what? If he loved the Sue, why was he dating someone else?
Sonia: Because nobody can keep their genitals in their pants for five seconds.

"I thinked it was hot though!1" sakura cried! Runin aweay like a stupid cow.

Sonia: Seriously, all of these contradictions are making me want to break another table with my head.
Manic: We aren't made out of money, sis. Don't do it.

2 weaks l8ter

Manic: My sister and I turned into some skeletons. But since we've been overexposed to a tremendous influx of Sues, we sparkled.
Sonia: You really need to lie down.

mE and kiba and saskay and drakina all went 2 inochiruku ramen store place and stuff. We all ate raman.

Manic: No freaking shit, Sherlock.

Therr waz only 4 sites so every1 else hadf 2 wait haha. Drakina and kiba got up.

Sonia: Do you want to bet that her ego took a few seats?
Manic: Sure, why not?

"wher gong?" I asked deprezzzingly, with turned saskay on.

"we gonnna get crazy 2 nite" drakina seid nautingly.

Sonia: Yes, I'm nauseated as well.

Kiba smiled and grapped drakinas asss. They lefty. And went 2 kibas arpartment.

Manic: And then they did it eleventy billion times. Exclamation point, exclamation point, one, exclamation point, one, one, one.

2 teens tht locked the same age as me and saskay. The boy hades a blaq metal gofhic jacket w/ a mcr wtrist band. He also hade blaq pants. He hade spike blaq heir w/ yellow strierks. The grl had long blaq heir tht waz spike. She wore fishnets and hade a blaq skirt and hade a snort blaq shrit.

Sonia and Manic: *snoring*
Amy: Hey!
Sonia and Manic: *stammering*
Amy: Thank you!
Manic: *mutters* I am seriously going to sell the crap in her room later.

"hey saskay!" the boy seid in a deep voice. It was naruto! And HINTA!

Sonia: No, it wasn't. Those were awful clones of their former selves.

"hey saskay!" he said. "hey havn't sheen u since ur traning! And hinata!" naruto was hot and hinata was pretty (they lo0k SO good 2gether. IM TOTES A NARUHINA fan3 )

Manic: I'm actually amazed that she didn't try to get into Naruto's pants.
Sonia: The Sue already had her grimy canon warping mitts on Jacob, Edward, and Sasuke. Trust me, she isn't going to touch Naruto.

"hey buddy wats up? Dis is my gf lenobia. Isn't she pretty?" saskay said to naruhina.

Sonia and Manic: Hell no.

Hinata blushed and said quietly "yeah… ur gf is really beautiful…,…"

"thanks hina!1`1!11" I said, giving her a hug cuz we haven't vchilled 2gether in 4eveah!

Manic: That or she must have been brainwashed.

"Kakshe-sin wants us 2 go on a missoion 2gether, u guyz in?" naeruto asjed.

"Leik toetaly!" I said as 3mo as possible.

Sonia and Manic: Po-ser!

Saskaay rapped his armz around mah tiny waste and he sed "dude dat sounds toetally rad!"

Manic: Sis?
Sonia: Yes?
Manic: Call Kyo Kusanagi and ask him if he has any battery acid for us to chug.
Sonia: You do it. He likes you a little bit more than he likes me.

Nrauto said fer us 2 follo him to kaaakshe, who was leanin against the raman shop thingie with his perverted book wearing no mask, which revealed his hot sexy face.

Manic: I thought that only middle-aged women were reading "Fifty Shades of Grey"...
Sonia: *reading the book in question* It would be nice if the two main characters weren't so repulsive... and last time I checked, that wasn't how BDSM worked...
Manic: Sis! Riffing!
Sonia: *tosses the book aside* Alright, fine.

He has angel bites and spider bites (zomg piercings are fuckin sexy!2111)

Sonia: Explain clitoral and penile piercings.
Manic: I don't think I wanna see that... well... I may want to see the former.
Sonia: Uh-huh.

and his eyebro waz pierced twice. He was wearing a black Black Viel Bridez jacket with a black tank top underneath. The jacket wasn't ziped so it showed of his hawt roockhard abs. his grey har waz hot and spicky.

Sonia and Manic: Nobody freaking cares!

"hey guys. " he said sexily, putting away his icky book.

Manic: This is coming from the girl who sexed three people up in a span of eight chapters. Remember that.

"lenobia, we nweeded a new nother person cuz I kicked saukara out cuz shes a stupid cow er sometin. "

Sonia: *sarcastically* What a legitimate excuse!

"cool beans" I replied with a sexy hir flip.

Manic: I hate you.

"we need ya'll 2 go 2 forks Washington in the UsA cuz the acaski have revealed dat there vamps n the volteri. " -kakshi

EVERYONE GASPED!

Sonia and Manic: *in monotone voices* Oh, the horror.

"Now I need ta tawk 2 lenobia 4 a sec, you gotta go pack while I talk kakeshe said."

Me n kake$ha

Manic: I didn't know that a "singer" had a two cent version of herself!

walked 2 n ta forest and we sat down on a log by a lake.

:"so wat u gotta say?" I asked with a smexy 3mo smile while pullin up mah showy top cuz mah boobs where 2 damn big!.

Sonia: No, your "top" was too small! Get something that fits you, you dunce!

Katashi leaned closer to me "u kno, u deserve betr then saskay. Hes not a very nice gai. "

I slid closer to Kockshi.

Manic: I can see why she slid closer to the kock.
Sonic, Sonia, Amy: Manic!
Manic: Okay, okay! Sorry!

"but he slits his rists everyday leik me, hes hawt." I argued!

Sonia: Please nuke yourself. We already have enough stupid people running around the planet to begin with.

"maybe u desrve some1 like… me." Kakshi said and pushed me 2 da ground n got on top off me.

Manic: *sarcastically* Oh, who didn't see this coming? Kakashi likes the Sue as well! Did you see this coming, sis?
Sonia: *sarcastically* Oh, of course not! I didn't notice it at all, little brother!

Cuz I liked him a lot I decided dat we shud do it.

Sonia: *facepalms* Oh, dear heavens...
Manic: *bangs his head against the coffee table*

I took of hes pants nd he tok mine of and we did it 4 a lomng time.

Manic: Yeah, like a quintillion years.
Sonia: So their ashes will still hump each other when the world explodes. Okay, nice logic there.

He moaned sexillly loudly at da top o hes lungs while goin n + out relly relly fast cuz he was relly into it.

Manic: You know what I'm really into right now? Sleeping. In a bed by myself.

After he cumed nside me he laid next 2 me and said

Sonia: *as Kakashi* ...Sony Love wrote better sex scenes than this.
Manic: *hits Sonia's arm*
Sonia: Hey!
Manic: Force of habit.

"damn ghurl ur tite. " he rubbed my cat with his hand =nicely.

Manic: Cassy?
Sonia: I hate you, Manic.
Manic: *grins* Hate you too, sis!

Hew got dressed n left me dere. "I gotta go" he whispered loudly n left.

I left 2.,.,.,.,.,.,…...

Sonia: *as Lenobia* ...get hit by a bus.

oooooh scandalous!~11! plz r&r!11!11

Manic: You want a review, huh? Well... yeah, I'd rather swallow a hundred Africanized bees.

9. Prepare 4 battle!

DIS IZ 4 KELLI!

Sonia: Kelli, run. Run away.

After I got back frum bein with kakshi I ran n2 saskay. "

Manic: And she did him again.

Where were u?" he sacked worriedly.

'….is dosnt matter" I sad saddly.

Sonia: Later, she contracted an STD and got pregnant. So yes, it did matter.
Manic: *raises an eyebrow* Y'know... between you and Benimaru, I don't know which one of you is creepier.

"anywhy, our mission iz 2 go to Forks and killl teh voltori.' Saskay said lifting hiz bak pak and put it n hiz car'.

Manic: Can you run me over with it?

NaruHina were already n teh kar. I read their minds and they booth new about taeh mizzion.

Sonia: Of course they'd know, you blithering idiot!

"The akatsuki are vampires now cuz they got turned bi the voltori." Saskay seid.

I GASPED!

Sonia: I don't get it. The Volturi are in Italy. The Akatsuki are in Japan. So why the hell do they have to go to the United States?!
Manic: Beats me.

"Remember Mr. Pwerkins?" Saskay assed?

"YEAH THAYT ASS-MOuTH!" I seid ANGERLTYYY!1111111

Manic: This is coming from the person who swears like a sailor.
Sonia: And how the hell would Sasuke know about the Sue's art teacher?
Manic: I dunno.

"Hes an Supreme aksasuki membnerr named PAIN!" Saskay admitted. "hes the leader!"

I GASPED!1111111111111.

Sonia: Oh. So that's why.
Manic: So... his name is Pain Perkins? What the crap?

Akatsuki and teaming up? Khaos ensued. I coudnut believe it.

Sonia: I couldn't believe that it looked like someone just banged his or her head on the keyboard.

The akatsuki were mean ninjaz who stole people for their jingkerikah or demooons. We all god into saskays shiny awesome blaq 3mo fast loud kar. we And drive 2 forks. And saskays teleportetd us 2 fork using his teleporter jistsu.

Manic: So he's now Megaman and can transport people everywhere.

WE got 2 forks high and landed on the parking lot, crushing Pains (mr pwerkins kar) kar.

"OMFG WE TOTALLY KILLED PAIMS KAR!" I roared with exitement. Hinatra giggled wif gleee.

Sonia: And the laughing ceased when they were asked for proof of car insurance.

"We gotta fnd him and kill teh Volkatsuki" Saskay seid wif awesomenewss while getting ot teh kar.

Manic: And then he tripped and fell flat on his face.

It waz still in skool hourz, so we had to wait 4 hour. We wet in the skool to hung ot wif freineds.

Manic: And smoke weed... and do something in the bathrooms.

ALOT of girlz were zealous of me cuz of my good locks and saskay.

Sonia: I don't think that any girl will be jealous of your ability to give everyone seizures with those horrid rainbow tears of yours.

They al wanted 2 get in saskays pants butt his MINE!

Manic: Of course his butt is yours. And Edward's. And Jacob's. And Kakashi's.

We all walked 2 mr pErkinz classrom quitely cuz we wanted to surpiz him. All da stuidants weer tied uup and blindfullded. Jacup waz there mumbleing and whiggling and stuff.

Sonia: Leave him there. You know you Sues like that bondage stuff.

We untied him leaving the prepz down.

Manic: *speaks in a tape recorder* Next time Loopadin--
Sonia: Lenobia.
Manic: Whatever, sis. Next time she gets tied up, leave her there.

"OMFG! PAIN HAZ TOTALLY TAKEN OVER DA SKOOL!" Jacupo yellled.

I told him everythying. "I c" he seid understandingly. HJis cloths were all ragged and torn uup.

Sonia: *sarcastically* Because you know that his kind can't afford new clothes.

"u gonna join us?" naratoe assed jacup seriouzleh.

"fuck ya!1!" he replied, and ten we all went to lok 4 mr pain/perkins. He waz n hiz offize!

Sonia: *flatly* What hiding effort.
Manic: He probably committed a crime in a bank and hid behind one of the plants in the place.

Instead of locking leik a preppy teacher, he waz an orange haired japanece ninja wityh alot off pierceings tht werew on hiz nose and ears and everything. He had a black cloak tht had red cloudz on it. It waz…PAIN!

Sonia and Manic: Duh...

"U uncool 3mo fagZ! Take this!" he yellled.

Sonia: That sentence is actually accurate. That's pretty sad.

He pointed his palms at us all sexily. W3 all feel bawkward and saskay crashed threw teh door and into the artroom tht waz nxt 2 pains office.

Manic: Maybe that'll knock his old character back into his brain.

Me jacup hina and naru all jumped after pain . Pain grappled naru by the ballz while he was in mid-air and threw him at a wall.

Manic: I, uh... what? Wouldn't they be ripped off or something?
Sonia: Don't ask. Just... don't.

He kicked hina out off the way, she landed on naru. Me and jacup landed a few hitz on pain to the face and bodty. He pushed me out of the room and grappled jacups neck. The doorz shut on mi. and closed/. The last thing I saw waz jacop screraming

Sonia: Heard. That's the last thing you heard.

I feelt so hurt, kinda of like when u 1st do it with a hot guy.

Manic: I didn't need to know that, man!

I was on the light tiles of the artroom on my back.

Sonia: As usual. She's always on her back.
Manic: *smacks Sonia on the back of her head*
Sonia: *rubs her head*

Everyone waz still tied up. All exceot 4…Saskay and a prep named Kelli (DIS IZ U KELLI! FUK U KELLI!11).

Sonia: I think we can read, thank you.
Manic: Looks like the "Hell's Kitchen" announcer just returned.

Saskay was on top off her and thy were kissing, naked!

"WTF! YOU DIRTY POSER!"I yellled.

"Oh shit!" Saskay seid still on top of kellie (U SUK KELLIE!).

Sonia: *facepalms*
Manic: Okay... it's her fault that he decided to do it. Yeah, sure. Whatever.

I was so muthafukeing angry. I snot fire from my hands and

Manic: ...you need to get a Kleenex for that!

burned kelli alive. Saskay waz still doing it with teh deadf boody. Until his longjohn shrivled up cuz it caught on fire.

Sonia: Well, that won't leave my mind for a while... unfortunately.

"Y saskay? We luv eachoother !" I yellled.

Sonia: There goes that "love" throwing again.
Manic: She's this close to beating Kim Kardashian.
Sonia: Not quite; she isn't being overpaid for whining about trivial things.

"When pain pussed me outtta da room, I landed on kellie and we accidentally kissed." He explained.

Sonia: I did not know that you two had magnets in your lips. How wonderful!

"YEAH FUKING RIGHT!" I seid

I stated 2 tink about all I did 4 saskay, and all he did 4 me.

Manic: Which was nothing. Remember that.

"WE OVER ! I sad" sasdly.

Manic: You guys weren't even together! What are you talking about?!

R&R

Sonia: Fic's still awful?
Manic: Yep.

--

Continue to Part Four
Go Back to Part Two
Go Back to Still Selling Out Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page