Mystery Science Theater En Masse: The Movie

Super Special 1: A Cruel Angel's Thesis (Part Ten)

--

Note: Your main riffers for this part are Kyo L., Cassy, and Tomoko.

--

Chapter 10 - Kool Lovers Sentimental ~The Meaning of Three~

Tomoko: Oh, we're really in the '90s with that title, huh?
Kyo L.: Yep. It's also the meaning of three thousand different ways to screw up the canon.

"....miya san....Asamiya san! Where are you going? The student council's meeting room's over there?"
Yuki barely spat the words out from under her panting breathe when she finally caught up to Athena, storming down the school hall right after the ending chime rang.
"Huh?  Oh, Yuki chan, sorry but can you tell the pres that I'm going to the doctor or something? Right now I'm on a special training menu to get ready for the summer."

Cassy: Does the menu have fish?
Kyo L.: Now you're starting to sound like Rory, Cass.
Cassy: Oh, man.

"You mean you're entering that martial arts tournament again?"
"Yeah. There seems to be some fans that are eager to see us do our best. Master Chin said we couldn't enter this year at first, but he changed his mind after I showed him so many letters*.

Amy: So the Suethor does know the backstory after all. So why is everything so wrong in this thing?!
Tomoko: 'Cause the Sue exists, Rose. You already know that.

Besides, I have to settle the score with that one girl!"
"What girl?"

Tomoko: That Sue.
Kyo L.: Really? So we're gonna turn her into this obsessive woman who wants to humiliate another woman because... reasons.
Tomoko: You got it.
Kyo L.: *sarcastically* High caliber writing.
Akiko: So... she's now Jade?
Jayleen: I'm offended by that statement, Miyadama.
Akiko: But that's what actually happened! Stop trying to be innocent!

"She had short hair kinda like you, and was flirting with Kensou the other day...well, the Kensou part has nothing to do with this, but.....

Kyo L.: But that's bullshit. He was the key that triggered your OOC moment.

oh, and she was being really friendly with Kyo kun too."
"With Kyo!?"
"Yeah, I saw them at Burger Queen last week. Do you have any idea on who it is?"
Athena widened her eyes in excitement and stared at Yuki for any information on her new foe. Sensing the eagerness of her, Yuki uneasily scratched her head.
"Well, no...."

Cassy: And the drama begins. Let's get to the sappy soap opera crap.

The noise from the headphones blasted into public air, but no one turned to plea any nuiance or even dart a glance of agravation at the man. They just scurried by, trying to get away from the noise as quick as possible.

Tomoko: Does this guy have a stereo system attached to his damn head? Nobody's headphones are that loud!
Kyo L.: Well, some headphones are.
Tomoko: In 1997, LeMaire?
Kyo L.: Never mind.

"Hmph, looking at me like a fresh wound or something...."
Iori muttered to himself as he shuffled through his CD playing on his walkman, momentarily stopping the seeping noise from his headphones. Once satisfied with the selection, Iori allowed the music to pour out again and reached in his pocket for a cigarette.

Cassy: Dude, this purple prose is ridiculous. Music "poured out" of his headphones? This is like that "Fifty Shades" bullshit where Christian "poured himself" into Ana.
Kyo L.: And then I'm gonna pour the contents of my stomach into the nearest toilet. Thanks, Cass.

He stuck the cigarette between his lips and was about to light it with his purple flames from his finger tips when a vision blurred his mind. (Kira...?) Iori jolted the flames out and dug into his pockets for a lighter.
"........."

Tomoko: I guess we've reached that part of the fic where every scene's gonna involve the Sue and her flunkies in some way now, huh?
Cassy: Yeah, pretty much.
Kyo L.: Wait, what? He'd light the cigarette with his own flames! He wouldn't stop and just go for a lighter!
Cassy: Dude, this is Pod Iori. He'd stop everything so he could think about or be with his "twu luv".

Since the purple flames were first planted into his soul, Iori was fully aware of its toxic effects. He has been used to the sharp pain he felt after summoning them after all these years. He didn't care about the fact that all Yagamis die young because of this 'double-edged knife' they bear within. It was but natural for a Yagami to live under the curse of the purple flames.

(Then why...?) Iori demanded to himself silently, (Why am I afraid of using it NOW..?)

Kyo L.: Uh, because the Suethor turned you into this wangsty moron?
Kyo K.: Bingo, Fox Clone.
Amy: He doesn't care about his family's curse at all. And he doesn't care about amending his family's mistake. That's why he grabbed his stolen sacred treasure when it appeared in front of him at the end of the KOF XIII tournament.
Tomoko: What is it with Mary Sues wanting to bonk the brooding guys all of the time, huh?
Kyo L.: For drama.
Tomoko: Well, it ain't working.
Kyo L.: It never works, actually.

Iori strolled amongst the Sunday swarm of the Shibuya streets as he stared at his palm. Frail violet sparks flashed, eager to burst in the air any moment. Iori slowly closed his fingers in into a clenched fist and extinguished the flames and the pain swelling in his chest. (Do I want to live? Have I found a meaning to live....?)

Tomoko: *facepalms* Are you kiddin' me?
Cassy: Wow, he really is a wangsty dude. *shakes her bag of razorblades* Might as well have some of these.
Kyo L.: With a good dose of some Linkin Park to boot.
Cassy: Dude, Linkin Park didn't have albums in 1997.
Kyo L.: Well, we're riffin' this fic in 2016, Kitty. It counts now.

Through the storm of sound screaming from his walkman, Iori dug into his mind for an answer.

Kyo L.: Number one, sounds don't scream from a CD player unless it's been stomped on by fifty construction workers. And number two, who or what literally digs into someone's mind?
Cassy: Botflies.
Kyo L.: Gross.

"She's just feeling pity on you for the curse she has cast upon you years ago..."
The words of Fubuki coursed through his thoughts a moment. (Curse....?) Iori felt his mind churning with confusion. Beads of sweat rolled down his well-defined face. His black jeans were moist from the sweat and the red tanktop was clinging to his body.
"But man, it's hot today....damn, I knew I shouldn't have worn black on a day like this..."

Tomoko: He already knows what the curse is. What's the point of this crap?
Cassy: So he can whine.
Tomoko: Well, he needs to get over that damn whining and get his original self back. I'm sick of hearing people bitch and moan over crap that they already know.

Iori tilted his head to look at the annoying sun, and froze at the scene that jumped into his vision through his dense bangs. Kyo stepped out into the streets from a bookstore with Kira.
".....!"

Kyo L.: And here comes another love quad-hep-tangle-thing. You know what, I don't even care right now.

Iori stood in the flow of people, staring at his sworn enemy. The two laughed and talked casually as they melted into the crowd. Their figures soon melted into the chaos of the streets.
"......."

Cassy: And then he killed them. *gets up* Fic's over, see ya!
Tomoko: *drags Cassy to her seat with her chains* You're not going anywhere, Morgan.
Cassy: ...can you at least remove the chains from my legs?
Tomoko: Nope. Be happy that I didn't cut off your circulation.

Iori looked down at the pavement, his face blocked from view by his blazing red hair. He stood motionless for moments. A wicked smile twisted on the edge of his lips slowly.

"Fhe..fu fu fu...ha ha ha...HA-HAHAHAHA!!"
With his lunatic laughter bellowing into the hot afternoon and a crazed glint in his narrow eyes, Iori walked in unison with the river of people again.

Kyo L.: What the hell? He doesn't just laugh in public for no reason! Those people would've looked at him funny!
Cassy: Logic, dude. You're using it when this fic isn't.

The silence of the Sakazaki Dojo was suddenly torn by the brutal thuds from inside.
"Uraaaa-!!!"
Yamazaki's elbow was buried deeply in the throat of one of the student who was just charging at him seconds ago. The limp figure slowly slithered down to the wooden ground into a puddle of meat.

Kyo L.: What kind of "Mortal Kombat" ass shit is this?
Cassy: I have no idea.
Tomoko: Wait, so Kusanagi and Yagami get descriptions for their introductions, but Yamazaki gets squat?
Cassy: Shows how important he is to the Sue's hoo-ha.

"NEXT!! Anyone else who has balls, here!??"
Yamazaki roared as he turned around. His ruby eyes burned with ecstatic glee.

Cassy: His eyes aren't red.

Silence. Bodies of what was the Dojo's best students rolled on the waxed floor, barely able to move. Weak moans can be heard. Irritated at the lack of response, Yamazaki spat on the floor.
"Tch, this isn't even a warm up...."

Tomoko: *as she casually waves one of her chains around* Oh, I'll give him a warm up. Kind of need one since I've been sitting through this snooze fest.

"What a violent man..."
Ruka observed in disgust from the branches of the old tree by the Dojo. He and Raiya silently observed the events in the Dojo from outside. Yamazaki circled the Dojo restlessly, still wanting more blood. Raiya narrowed his eyes at the sight.
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure that he's the one..."
"But it seems like he doesn't even know how to control his strength. Look at all that aura seeping from his body like waste! I wonder if he really is?"

Kyo L.: Yes, he is one of the Hakkeshu, and no, he doesn't care about it. Next question.

"Most Orochi fighters are like that. He might not be fully 'awaken' yet, though. On the other hand, the Kushinada clan breeds their hiers to control their blood and powers. That's what makes Kira different."

Tomoko: No, that's what makes her ass an overpowered Mary Sue. I'm so sick of these groupies praising that useless brat all the damn time.
Cassy: *sighs* Too bad we'll have twenty more chapters of shilling after this.

"Hmm? Well, this job's pretty straight forward if he's not awaken yet."
"Your right, if he's not fully an Orochi yet, we shouldn't stimulate him now by contacting him."
"I guess the best we can do is to tell Princess Bahamut, er, Miss Kira, about this Yamazaki guy...."

Kyo L.: Oh, Miss Ki--
Kyo K.: Don't you start that crap, Fox Clone.
Tomoko: So she really is this "Bahamut", huh?
Axl: Hey, I already said why it didn't make any sense earlier. Bahamut's from Arabian mythology. So she's a Japanese Arabian princess...?
Rory: My head hurts.

"You're getting the hang of this, Ruka....now on that note, our mission's accomplished..."
Raiya jumped into the thick treetop, and melted into the sunset with Ruka close behind.

Rory: Holy crap, they're doing that Terminator stuff again!

"Hm?"
Yamazaki turned window and gazed at the enormous tree outside as he clicked the blade of his knife back into the handle and back into his jacket. Hearing footsteps entering the Dojo, Yamazaki turns around and smirked.
"Well, if it isn't one of Geese's dogs! What do you want?"*

Cassy: A footnote?
Emi: Yes, Miss Morgan. According to the story behind KOF '97, Mr. Kane was under orders by his boss to recruit Yamazaki into his team. No word if the dojo was actually the Kyokugen dojo, but he did a rampage in one.
Cassy: Ah.

"Your pen's not moving. I hope you know that your final's tomorrow."
Kira said without raising her face from her sketch book as Kyo watched her from across the table in his living room.
"Um, Kira, can I ask you something?"
"You're already asking."

Tomoko: You tried to be funny. You failed, Sue.

"What are you doing?"
"Oh, this? You know I'm a scholarship student at school, right?

Kyo L.: Yeah. Even though you shouldn't be.

Well, I get special assignments because of that. This is the one due tomorrow. 100 sketches of a person's head."
"ONE HUNDRED!!?"
Kyo felt his head go numb just thinking of the number.

Tomoko: Just hearing her say one hundred words annoys me.

"Yup. So can you be my model for this? I mean, I do help you with your studies, right?"
"Sure, but a model....nude?"

Cassy: Draw me like one of your French girls, Mai!
Mai: ...no. *continues sketching*
Axl: *laughs*

Though she somewhat expected the question, the thought made Kira blush into a vibrant red.
"NO! Just be casual. I don't mind if you move around, either."
"Oh, really? But it feels kinda funny having someone staring...I don't know if I can concentrate as well.."
"That problem's been stuck to you a long time, Kyo... " ^_^;

Kyo L.: I know that we like teasing him a lot, but really, it just makes the Sue look more like an asshole every time she tries to be witty.
Tomoko: And Suethors? *points to the emoticon* Cut that crap out. We don't need that crap.

"Fua..Aahhhh..."
Kyo was too weary to force the long yawn in his throat for long, and it escaped into the silence. As his body rebounded back from the stretch, Kyo remembered that he was it his "tutor",

Kyo L.: You mean his "destined love".
Kyo K.: Fox Clone... I'm gonna make you look like a giant naked mole rat in a hot minute if you don't cut that crap out.

and quickly tried to hide the yawn with his hand over his mouth. Kira, without moving her head, looked up at him, and set the sketch book down on the desk. Kyo shuddered at her normal quick slap on his head. But instead of looming over him, Kira shuffled to the kitchen.
"I'll make some coffee to jolt that sleepiness out."
"Huh? You're not gonna hit me today??"
"If I hit you so often, you brain cells will die off! Besides, with the finals tomorrow, you don't want to lose your precious brains cells, right?"
Kira winked at Kyo mischieviously as she disappeared at the doorway. Kyo sank in his chair in relief.

Cassy: Well, maybe if you didn't beat the cells out of him, he wouldn't have to worry about you making him dumber, you twit!

(Kira.....Kushinada Kira....if I remember correctly, Princess Kushinada fell in love with Kusanagi after the war with the original Orochi.....a lover from 1800 years ago, huh....)

Kyo K.: ...are you kidding me? My own girlfriend's being pushed to the side so I can fall in love with this dimension destroying dummy?!
Tomoko: It's just like Baxter said earlier. Your soul's been taken by the Sue since the beginning.
Sonia: Huh. So he's "destined" to be with her. Just like what happened with Emi, hmm?
Kyo K.: Oh, not you too, Sonia!

He glanced at the clock that hung from the wall. 3:47 am.
(It's already this late....the last train and bus have already left, and it's almost impossible to catch a taxi at a time like this.  I wonder if she means to spend a night here? No, she's not that type....is she?)

Cassy: Oh, this fic really didn't age well. Of course the Sue's a "good girl" who doesn't just sleep with anyone.
Tomoko: You know, if she sleeps with someone in the next chapter, I'm gonna laugh.

Kyo nurvously gulpped down his questions and meaningless anticipation as he glanced towards the kitchen.
(...............I wonder if she thinks of me as a man...?.........I doubt it...)

Kyo L.: Well, as stupid as you are, you're still more of a man than Benji is.

Shrugging at himself, Kyo searched for something else to ponder on. He reached for Kira's sketch book to try to forget his pathetic thoughts.

Tomoko: And her thoughts are better? She's probably thinking of more ways to wreck the cast.

He flipped through the pages of his own images in pencil.
"Don't look at that yet...it's embarrassing!"
Kira said as she walked in, two mug cups with coffee to the rime in both hands. She carefully walked towards the table and set it on the table. Seeing her blush a bit, Kyo teased her a bit.
"Feh, it looks almost as good as the real thing!"
"Yeah, right."
"I thought sketches are done in charcoal or something...but a mechanical pencil??"
"Some people use charcoal for sketches, but the medium wasn't assigned. Pencil is, after all, the most frequently used tool in drawing."
"But a mechanical pencil?"

Mai: *as she's sketching* Yes. Now shut up before I stab you with my mechanical pencil.
Kyo K.: And Gloomy is now Grouchy. How're you doing, Grouchy?
Mai: *frowns* ...this fic is tedious, Kyo.
Kyo K.: Yeah, I get you.

"You know how the tip of pencils get round really quickly? Well, it gets a bit annoying to go sharpen it every five minutes."
"In other words, you're too lazy to use a normal pencil, right?"
"It's OK, cause I have the talent to cover the slacking-off!"
Kira chuckled as she sipped at the hot coffee.

Kyo L.: Ha, ha, ha... go fuck yourself.
Cassy: *cracks up* Dude, you're really grumpy today.
Kyo L.: Can you blame me? I... we have to look at thirty chapters of crap character shilling! And now the twit's shilling her own goddamn self! I'm really not in the mood to see this vapid waste of carbon contort herself into a pretzel just so she can kiss her own ass here!
Tomoko: You might as well go to sleep like Hedgehog did. *halfheartedly points at Sonic* It's a lot less painful than reading this crap.

Yuki jogged up the stairs as she glanced at her wrist watch.
"7:34.....I bet Kyo's still asleep. He probably has forgotten that today's the finals. I've gotta wake him up so he won't screw up his grades again...."

Cassy: And then Yuki finds the Sue. Next scene, please.
Tomoko: Man, she's wrecking canon and relationships like no tomorrow, huh?
Kyo L.: No kidding.

She hopped onto the third floor and continued down the hall.

Kyo L.: She hopped? Man, Yuki's got some spring in her step, huh?
Cassy: Get off the stage, Kyo. You suck.
Kyo L.: Oh, bite me, Kitty.

Suddenly, Athena's words from the day before floods into her mind.
"I saw them at Burger Queen last week. Do you have any idea on who it is?"
Reaching Kyo's room at the end of the hall, Yuki leaned forward with her hands on her knees to catch her breath.
"she was being really friendly with Kyo kun too..."
Yuki drew in a long breath and shook her head.
(It's gotta be a mistake...I believe in Kyo.)
She straighten her slightly wrinkled uniform skirt and raised her knuckle to knock the door.

Tomoko: I don't believe in that moron. He's got the brain power of a wet sponge in this dumb fic.

"Ugh....it's already morning..."
Kyo scratched his head as he popped his sore knuckles.
"I guess you should get ready pretty soon."
Kira added watching Kyo rise to his feet to his full height.
"Yeah, I guess..."
"So, how confident are you about this test?"
"Not at all!"
Kyo laughed as he grabbed a hand towel and walked to the batheroom. Kira laughed, rubbing her puffed eyes. (Guess I'm skipping biology this morning,) she thought to herself as she took the empty cups and the bags of potato chips to the kitchen sink.

Cassy: Well, I'm not confident about this fic getting any better, either.
Kyo L.: And goddamn, are you ever in class, Sue? You harp on and on about Kyo missing class, yet you're doing the same thing. Fuckin' hypocrite.

Tum tum tum...

"Hey, Kyo, someone's here!"
Kira yelled towards the bathroom, but the rushing water from the sink erased her voice from Kyo's ears.
"Kyo~!!...."
Only humming came from the bathroom. Observing that he will not react to her calling, Kira slid to the front door herself.
"Oh, well..."
She blurted as she opened the door.

Kyo L.: *facepalms, groans*
Tomoko: *sarcastically* Yeah, nothing's gonna go wrong here.

In the doorway stood a girl with short hair with a reddish-brown tint, and in a sailor uniform. The two girls exchanged confused looks.
"Huh?"
"Who are you...???"

Cassy: *as Yuki* I'm his canon girlfriend, bitch! *slaps Kira* I'm sick and tired of all of you Mary Sues warping my man just so he can sleep with your pathetic asses!
Kyo L.: *laughs*

"Did someone come?"
Kyo said as he poked his head from behind the frozen Kira.

Kyo L.: Did you freeze her, Ax?
Axl: Not yet. You want me to?
Kyo L.: Sure!

Yuki stared at Kyo who, being in the middle of changing to his normal uniform, was wearing nothing to cover his chest. Kira only covered her eyes with her hand in despair.
"Yu...Yuki!?  Why....?"
Not answering to Kyo, Yuki slowing drifted down the hallway back to the stairs. Kyo grabbed a shirt to look decent, and dashed down the halls to catch his girlfriend. Left alone at the doorway, Kira shooked her head as her eyes followed Kyo.

Tomoko: Of course she gets away with it. She started this whole misunderstanding and she gets away with it, huh?
Cassy: Mary Sues can never be held accountable for their actions, dude.

"Damn...."
Kyo whispered as he shut the door behind him.
"Sorry Kira, for leaving you behind...."
He said walking into the living room, but didn't find her.

Kyo L.: *slams his head against his armrest*
Cassy: Dude, you fucking kidding me? He has a girlfriend, but his first thought is the Sue's dumb ass?
Tomoko: His soul is hers, Morgan.

He searched his rooms, with no luck. Slumping on the table in the living room, he noticed a page of Kira's sketch book left on the table. On it word words of scarlet lipstick.

Kyo L.: That just makes it even worse! Hello?! Red lipstick is the biggest cliché to expose a cheating man!

Tomoko: You're in the wrong canon, lady. You may wanna get out before I shove some chains down your throat.

An old Japanese proverb stuck to Kyo's mind as he read the letter and slammed his head on the table.

"A hunter who's after two rabbits will end up with none."

Cassy: But what's the proverb for a Mary Sue who has four guys lusting after her?
Kyo L.: "A fox boy sacrifices a Mary Sue to a sun god that a pink hedgehog knows."
Cassy: Dude, that's not a proverb.
Kyo L.: You're right, it's not. It's actually a fact. Find her ass so I can light it up in a live cremation.

--

Continue to Part Eleven
Go Back to Part Nine
Go Back to MST 'EM: The Movie Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page