Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Special Episode 2: Brewdening Love (Part Four)

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Note: From Parts Four to Eleven, a riffer will have an individual part to themselves since their eight person smorgasbord has started. The other seven will occasionally chime in from the kitchen. This part goes to Manic. (For the curious, his dish will be chicken curry and rice.)

Warning: There's some homophobia and racism in this part.

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CHAPRER 10 – Braking Harts.

Manic: Well, I don't think my car brakes had hearts in it.

Ok flamerd stop plesase! FUCK OFFFF NOWWWWWWW!!111

Manic: This is Clippy! It looks like you're trying to write to "flamers"! May I suggest even stronger language?

It's not nice but yuo know what screw you me and Jen think youre mean old ladied with no fucking LIFE!!!!!!!!11111111111 SO SCROW YOUUU!!!!!!!!!

Manic: Whoa! I'm suddenly an old lady crow? That's not cool at all.

Anyway everyone else LOVWE YOU! :3 xoxoxoxocoxxooxox And another thin - I will call Edward Ward from now on becorse I think Ward is a better nickname for him. It makes him sexah and myster

Manic: ...ious. Finish your sentences you must, lazy one.

oooo "Let the mistaken not nice guy forsake his way." - Isaiah oooo

Manic: Guys? Is that even in the Bible?
Miyu: I don't think so, Manic!
Manic: Thanks, Miyu!

I ran into my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Dad had followed me to my room and reopened the door.
“Joan? What is happened?” he asked

Manic: You see, Dad... what had happened was... this guy killed this other guy, and this girl's crying sadly and "sexily" as opposed to crying happily.

“I hate Ward, I never want to see him again!” I cryied sadly at him. I couldn’t believe that he had killed Em! :(
“Ok then I'll be out hear if you need to talk.” Dad said and left me alone. He wasn’t good with emotional stuff and always coped out when I neded someone.

Manic: Well, maybe if you could actually tell him in detail, he'd help you! Whiny brat.

I laid on my bed and cried into my polliw. I hated him, how could he kull Emmet, it wasn’t Christian!? Why couldn’t they forgive like tin the Bible?

Manic: I don't forgive you for messing it all up, and I don't even know what's in the Bible!

I knew the only reason Emm hadn’t burnt Jemes is because he was following the Lord's tee-chings, 'Thous Shall Not Kill'.

Sonic, Kyo: Hallelujah, bay-bee!
Manic: Uh... huh...

I got bored of being in my room after a while and went out the black to think.

Manic: I was in the pink myself.

Out the back was our gardener and he was name Fertado. He had a mousetaste

Manic: Well, there goes my appetite.

and had tan skin and smutty overalls.

Manic: They must be Jessie's overalls.
Jessie: Shut up, you klepto!

He waved hello to me but I ignored him, I didn’t fell like talking to anyone.
“Whats wrong?” he asked me, and I couldn’t avoid him. Don't people know I want to be left alone?! >: (

Manic: You should've stayed in your room if you didn't want anyone talking to you, you whiny emo!
Cassy: Down the road, Erin... I mean, Joan!

“Boyfriend.” I said shrugging
“Oho,” he said, “No good?”
“No,” I said trying to not get into a convarsation with him.
“If you need to talk to me you can.” He told me, i nodded and walked away.
I went back inside and unto my room, however in the corner sat Ward. He smiled a croked smile as I sat down by i glared at him,

Manic: The face of an actual killer. Kind of.

tyhough he looks nice in the black cargos, the brown Hoodie (which was zipped harve weigh to show his bear chest :P)

Manic: And then the chest roared. Someone out there found that disgustingly hot.

“What are you doing here?!" I yelled at him.
“I came  to see you.” He repeliedreplof I sat on the bed but I was not happy at.

Manic: "Repeliedreplof"? Wow, Merriam-Webster really needs to take a look at that word...

“I’m sorry I made you sad, eJoan.” Ward said looking sad too.

Manic: Sure, Erin. Sure...

I looked at him feeling bad for being angry at him but I was still upset with him and he did sort of look adorable sexa.

Manic: *smacks his forehead* She's dumber than Bella...

“Is there anything I can do to make you like me again?” Ward said looking concened.

Manic: I'll like you if you can suck her blood like an actual vampire.

I tried to think.

Manic: You can think? And what's there to think about?! He killed somebody in front of your face!

I didn’t know what to do, there was nothing that could make him better for killing his brother.

Manic: Wait. How can you kill someone who was already dead?
Sonic: Because... reasons.

“Don’t do it again.” I told him and he came over and hugged me.

Manic: That's it? A slap on the wrist? Guy gets away with more stuff than a spoiled kid does.

“I promise I never will.” Wrad told me and came over to huggel me. I snuggled into his chest and I wasn’t angry at him anymore.

Manic: *repeatedly smacking a hand against his face* Why, why, why?!

"How will you Repent?" I asked as I snoffled into him more.
"I'm going to church tomoorw, come with me please."

Manic: Maybe he'll be used as a sacrifice so we can read better fanfiction.

"Mk." I replied. "What did you do with the body?"
"I burnt it and buried it."

Manic: *as Edward* And then we had a barbecue. He was good for "charcoal". The humans liked our burgers.

We hugged, but I was still afriad of James who was out there wanting to eat me bloo.
He was watching through da window! :o

Manic: And nobody bothered to kill him. Now this dumb fic will be dragged through a load of even more muck.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Manic: Seriously, one of those "o"s doesn't look like the others. Good luck finding out which one it is.

Ok seriously flamers. NO ONE LOVES YOU. NO ONE.

Manic: And the readers don't love you, either.

EVERYONE WHO TOLD YOU THOU DID IS A LIE AND THEY TOO ARE HELL BOUND LEST YOU REPENT!

Manic: So my siblings and my friends are going to "Hell" with me because I don't like your junk. Yeah, nice logic.
Sonic: We have some Preparation H in the bathroom! It does soothe some of that literal butthurt!
Sonia: Hang on, Sonic. If we have that stuff... then who has hemorrhoids or puffy eyes?
Sonic: Nobody's sitting uncomfortably, so I'm guessing it's for someone's puffy eyes. And I don't know why I'm talking about this with you.

BE NICE FFS. IT ISN"T HARDDDDDDDDDD!!!!1111

Manic: It must be hard for you, lady.

Also comps still open and i had a nice day with Jen. I bought a new notebook YAY! I draw Ward sometimes.

Manic: If her art's as bad as this fic, I'm in for a field day!

Chapter 11 - Redempshun

Manic: Which none of these characters really deserve, but whatever.

Ok, I took a little breethur becorse the evil flamers got to me. I can only take abuse so much, so I've reported it.

Manic: Yes, you can flame us, but when it's directed back at you in the form of critiques, you cry. Yep.

I hope you nasty people are happy, YO MAD ME SAD!!

Manic: Caveman speak of the future!

Anyway, right, fuck you I'll continue becose the reeders deserve it.

Manic: We deserve to be tortured? Not my kind of fun, man.

So back on with th sho! >:3 <3 to every1. However I do want to address ONE SINNIN 'LADY' FROM THE REVIEW SECION:

Manic: Jessie? I think she's calling you out!
Jessie: Whatever!

Firstly: Exodus 20:2-5a
Basically, you are making Edward to be a god, therefore making an idol. That's one sin.

Look Ward is not an idle

Manic: That's right! He moves around, ma'am!

infact i've had JOAN be made at him evan!

Manic: Who's Evan?

To warship sumthin you need 2

Manic: ...sink its Battleship?

LOUVE IT UNCONDIDIONALLY.

Manic: Oh. Yeah.

WARD IS NOT A GOD YOU STUUUUUUUPID BITHC!!111111

Kyo: Wow, at least that was a better misspelling of "bitch". The girls in middle school could never top that.
Manic: Really? How'd they spell it?
Kyo: B-I-C-T-H.
Manic: Nice. Nicely stupid.

Secondly: Matthew 7:12
"Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets."

Another "sin", but still the point. You whine and flame others, expecting compliments.

Manic: True, true.

OMFG NO YOU DIDN"T USE THE SAME QUOTE I HAVE

Manic: Oh, no you didn't, girl! But seriously, you don't own the Bible, you whiny hypocrite.

look wrong becorse I respanded to the FLAMERS - I NEVER ATTACKED FRIST!!

Manic: That's right! She attacked "sceond"!

Thirdly: Luke 12:1-12
This is a large passage, so I won't type it. However, the gist of it is Jesus warning others against the Pharisees and hypocrites. You are, again, acting like a childish hypocrite.

WTF NO REVELANCE!

Manic: "No revelance"? Hey, it's just like this fic!

I am not hyppocritic becorse I RESPOND TOE THE FLAMMERS AND THIER NASTINESSS

Manic: Well, I don't know... the hypocrisy's telling me something else.

Finally, Revelation 22:19
"And if anyone removes any of the words from this prophetic book, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book."

Although you haven't raped Revelation yet, the point stands: you took Bible verses and cut them to your own advantage, making yourself seem high and mighty.

Take that. *spits at Erin's feet*

You slu, tyou are the devil's warshiper!

Manic: *puts on a helmet* Oh, I'm going to need you, sturdy helmet. Don't let me down.

BECORSE SERIOUSLY TS NOT NICE AT ALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!111111 I AM PRAISEING THIN LORD WITH EVERY PASSAGE BECOSE I LOVE HIM WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND! THE LORD IS A DEVINE BEING CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111 YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN GOD SO STOP ATTACKING HIS FLOCK! STOP IT! IT ISN"T FUCKNG NICE1111111111111 I HOPE THE LORD KICKS YOUR ASS YOU WARD HATTERS< I DO BECORSE YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND DON"T EVEN TRY TO BEK NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW OR ILL REPORT YOU MORE! >:( >(: >:( >:( >:( >:( AT LEAST I"M NOT SPITTING AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!11 EVNJOY LUCIFER'S ACCOMAPY! I'll pray then very worset upon thee unless you lift your game becoos i no the lord will no I'm RIGT! ERNI LOCKLEA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!1 >8 ( THIS TOGE TO EVERY! WHO FLAMS ME SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT OR GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 So there no more nice Erin

Manic: *shakes the remains of his helmet off of his head* Whoa! That massive CAPS RAGE text block disintegrated my helmet!
Amy: Are you okay, Manic?
Manic: I... don't know. That was the weirdest block of angry gibberish.

ooo "Flamers are asshoes with no lif" - THE LORD ooo

Manic: Next stop on our subway of shame? Hell. The real Hell.

It was Sunday and I woke up earli and dressed in acasual owtfit of blak hoodie with button up things and blacktrackpants when I used to be fat (Ern: Black is blah-k lol see what I did there?) and white sneakers because my blak stilletoes wouldnot go with it and I don't own other black shit. I also wore da usual madeup.

Manic: Blah, blah, blah, who cares?

I wore black becose I was going to church with Ward and it made sense to morn for Em. I kno Em would have wanned to be remembared.

Manic: And I know that it's almost evening, and I'm ready for dinner!

I walked along the road and reflexed on Em's life.

Manic: Yeah, that brain does need a bit of reflexing.

He seemed so nice, so why had he beetraid us all for the evil ames?

Manic: Whoa, Amy's evil?
Sonic: I'm telling you, it's that hammer!
Amy: Oh, forget you two!

I walked along the road and was sad and, everyone I walked by left me alone beca I look sad.

Manic: Are you going to let me know when you're sad, Erin?

(Erin: Note picture me walking alone with Switchfoot's Ment to Live - yeah, THAT SAD :'()

Manic: How the hell could you screw that message up?
Cassy: Needs more razorblades.
Manic: It's not an emo song or an emo band, Cass.
Cassy: Oh. Still needs razorblades.

Then I was at the church and Ward was there, standing sodly in a fitted black suit and dark gold tie.

Manic: He then camouflaged himself into the dirt with his ugly tie and all.

He was in pain becorse he had to kill his Vampie brothelr.

Manic: And nobody killed James. Nobody. Killed. James.

I walked sadly to hymn and hugged hymn but he pushed me away and howled in pain. Then he punched the Church door and cried.

Manic: And then the "heathen" owned up to his hypocrisy!
Sonic, Kyo: Hallelujah!

"Warfd!

Manic: Any relation to Barfed?

No, it'll be ok" I cooooed and hugged hymn, trying hard not to squeexe his hard pecs.

Manic: And then they did it in the church, and He said that it wasn't good!
Kyo: I'm not praising that, Manic!

"I cannot believe he did it, or that I killed him Jone!"

Manic: Yeah, you might as well believe it... murderer.

He cried and I stayed with hymn for a moment as he sobbed then pushed hymn through the door so we could go pray.

Manic: And I prayed for this fic to end!
Everyone else: Hallelujah!

We walked Solomonly up the aisle.

Manic: You're not helping with those unsubtle Bible names, you.

The church was empty, not even the priest was there.

Manic: So let's get it on with some Marvin Gaye playing in the background!
Jessie: I think I'm going to need a lot of brain bleach after hearing that.

It was very beautiful inside, with ornape colour glass pictures in the windows, and candles everywhere. We sat in the head pew together and I held Ward's hand. he had to do this for him self.

"Oh Father who art in Heaven, Blessed be thy name, I, Edward St. Paul Cullen,

Manic: And I, Manic St. Headdesk T. Hedgehog...

but one of your fock have beesmerched your gift of life!

Manic: Yes, I have met the Fockers. They're crazy people.

Deer Fatter,

Manic: Mmm, venison...

yesterday I killed a man who unto then had been lik a brtother to me. He loved me and I loved him (Erin - Guys can love eachother, just not in the ass)

Manic: Everything you say is moot, you homophobic hypocrite.

but he beetrayld my trust and the safety of my lover, Joan St Sanctuary Louisa-Smith, for an evil unholy being who doth not belive in you.

Manic: So murder is all right!

Although I do not expect forgaveness, Deer Lord,

Manic: Why're you praying to antlers, man? Really.

I want to let you know I am sorry and when the time comes I expect your judgement to be as it shall be. Thank you Lord for your patients. Amen"

Manic: And thank you for this hospital, holy edible venison!

I smiled at hymn, a tear dribbling from his sexah Amba eyes.

Manic: See? Hypocrisy is a holy thing!
Sonic, Kyo: *grumbles* Whatever...

He had done a first step to inner piece until his Judgement came, and i had a feeling the Lord would be kind and understanding becorse it was to apparently save my life.

Manic: Yes, because it's all about you.
Jessie: Selfish Bible thumping jackass.

We walked out togather.

Then, he turened to me, kissed and ran away. I had helped hymn and would see him tomorrow at skool. :3

Manic: Skool b kool, yo!

I went to the local store and bought an ice cream, it was raspberry and made me happy. After I left:

"Hey there girl, that looks yummy! Hawt outfit, tho why in blak?!?!?"

It was Jenny! She didn't know about Em! :'O

Manic: *stares* Yes... she didn't know... especially since she wanted to hook up with Jasper at first!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

SO maybe Ward will be on the recovery and Joan will forgave hymn.

Manic: Yak, yak, yak, Hallelujah.
Everyone else: *flatly* Praise Him.

But poor Jenny, HOW WILL SHE TAKE THE NEWS>!?!!1/1

Manic: What if it ends in a girl fight with oil or mud?
Kyo: No way! I'm not going to look at two Sue projections doing that!

Find out next time. Also, contest closed becores I cbf
xoxoxoxoxoxoxozzoxoxoxox

Manic: Uh... huh? What the heck did you just say?

12 – Troubels

Manic: You mean there's more than one in this fic? No...

LOOK YOU SINNA BITCHES IF YOU DON"T LIKE MU STORY THEN FUCK OFF ALREADY OR SUGGEST HOW I CAN GO WITH IT YOU RETARDS!!!1

Manic: Protip: Don't publish it on the Internet.
Miyu: And you called your critics the R word. How very un-Christian like of you.

Seriously you poeple are mean and unhelpful.

Manic: And you're a homophobic racist stalker! It works nicely!

And to the hore who spat at me again - *SPIRTS IT YOUR FACE* :@

Manic: Uh... next time I riff, I'm going to have a bag of sawdust with me.

FFS STOP BEING RPICNEKDS!!!11111111111111111111

Manic: I would call you one, but that'd be an insult to rednecks.

ooo "The best things come after the worset." - Father James Holden, LOVE YOU!!! ooo

Manic: Yeah, like the end of this fic actually arriving. Best thing ever.

I stared to cry as I told Jenny that Em had been kulled. She was really sad and she starred screaming because she luved him more than anything.

Manic: And once more, her crummy memory's forgotten about Jasper.

She did look reely nice in her scarlet dress with grey stockings though besides the added blue streaks (Ering: See those are her teers and I AM BEING CREATIVLY ARTISTICV!).

Manic: Would you shut up, Erin? I'm trying to read your garbage.
Miyu: Now you're just insulting actual garbage, Manic.

I new she was really angry so I tired to help her out. I brought her an ice-cream and she clamed down.

Manic: Yeah, that solves everything.

I told her that Em had died becorse he did not want to go aganst the Lords teechings, and eplain what had happened but left out Ward had killed him. This made Jenny a little happier becorse she wasn't sobbing now, so I guess she was happy that he followed the faith with all his might (Erin: Even though it was a stupi thing and really showled of been overlooked.)

Manic: Yeah, whatever. Now quit shoehorning your Bible thumping.

I decided to take her hoem to my place were we could grive together and maybe watch a movie.

Manic: But... aren't movies full of "heathens" and "sinning" and crap?

When we got hoem, no one was home except our gaurdener (no not Fernando becorse this one worked only on Sundays).
“Hello Jacob.” I said
“Hello.” Jacob said back. He was an Indian America with long black hair and always smiling despite the fact he worked most of the time I saw him.

Manic: Indian America? Well, that's what happens when you do all of that job outsourcing.

“Whos that?” Jenny asked as we waled to my room
“Thats your gardener, Jacob Black. He works with Fernando becos he is old.” I told her.
“Oh hes hawt.” Said Jenny,

Manic: Total mourning time? Two minutes.

"Yeah I guess so but I've already found someone>" I said back, recalling how Ward's peckers felt in my hands earlier.

Manic: Uh... I hope she's referring to beaks or his chest instead of... that.
Kyo: Sounds like a nasty log splitter over there.
Miyu: Kyo!

I needed to marry this boy!

Manic: No, you need to go away!

“Oh yes so Em's fooneral is this Wednesday?

Manic: They certainly can put the "foo" in "fooneral".

So yeah the Dullens have said you can come.”

Manic: Well, they are dull. I'm not going to argue with that one.

I sad but she wasn’t listening. She was going out to see the Gardener, the sexah Mr Black (though he's actually tanny).

Manic: Then I should go by Mr. Green from now on.

I fallowed her and she was talking to the guardener, I sat and watched them then Werd appeared at my side. He fell from the roof;

Manic: No, Cullens can't land on their feet. Why do you ask?

he was so sexahly athetic like that that he could do that shit and not get hurt.

Manic: *as Erin/Joan* Yeah, now how am I gonna pray now that I've seen that shit?

“Hello,” He said to me and he kissed my check.

Manic: *as Edward* Yes, I did it for the money! Now I know how Pattinson feels!

I hufed him and he huggled me back. He was still in the suit from b4.

Manic: Changing clothes is an afterthought, yeah.

"So where did you gO?" I asked, trying to sound hot aspossible.

Manic: Spontaneous combustion is a serious issue. Check with your doctor if you may have sinned during hypocrisy.

"I had to leave Joan, your blood was too tempting in such despait!" I frowned, and he looked away brewdingly. We had to talk about the bloodlist soon. :/

Manic: Wait, he left the Sue for the Suethor? And there's a list of bloody things? I'm stumped.

“Whos Jenny?” He asked
“Oh she's the friend who liked your bro that I told you about the other day. She is ok about his death, I told her about Em, but she doesn't know how it happened so yeah. She is talking to Fenando now. He is our gartiner."

Manic: Hey, I thought that Jake was working today! Oh, never mind.

Ward smiled a crocked smile at me and payed with my hair.

Manic: Whoa, that's a neat currency!

I asked if he wanted me to grow it out and he said yes. I will.

Manic: Puppetry 101.

'Thats good then’ he said to me and we left Jenny with Jacub and went up to my room.
What happemed to jams?

Manic: I'm sorry! The grape jam was too delicious to resist!

I quested ward/ I hadn't forgotten the lurking menace.

Manic: Who, Darth Maul?

‘He is still after you,’ Ward said sadlyer this time. ‘I woll kull him this time.’

Manic: With bad spelling? Go for it, man.

I knew ward would protect me so I was happy.

Manic: I wasn't.

We laid toether and huged and pashed a bit and then Jenny came in.
"OMFG JOSAN GIRL, I am going out with Jacob now.” She said all exsitedly.(Erin: See, I knew you liked Jacob. Sorry about Em, but I think we know how to make this work)

Manic: Yeah, no "sinnars", right? Uh-huh.

I was so happy for her. He was indeed hot and she needed someone new.
“And guess what, he can turn into a Wearwoof!”

Manic: *as Natalie Burke* This is absolutely fascinating.

Word sudenly looked heppy and stroked his chin.

Manic: The chin's not going to be creaming, is it?

“Maybe we can ask him to help! Wearwilfs are not enemis with Vampires like in novels and movies and stuff.

Manic: Hey, Natalie? You may need to practice your pronunciation skills again.
Kyo: She said that vampires and werewolves aren't enemies. *laughs weakly* Someone kill her.

He can kill jomes when he turning into a wolf!’

Manic: Yes, let's say our secrets out loud and in the open!

"OMG I" said, "how good, I can be safe and now you don’t have to go against the LORDS will just in case I mean."

Manic: Yes, because it's all about you. Selfish twit.

he had killed but I dunno if the Lor would overlook two deaths. :/

Manic: God called. He said that he won't do that.

Ward was really happy now and he rang Alice and Japper to tell him that the werewolf would probably protect me.

Manic: Heck, if I ever turned into a werewolf, I'd abandon you.

Alice and Japper came over to my house and we all sat round talking about how Jacolb would protect me and strategy to defeet James!

Manic: Yeah, yeah, yeah! I got it, Miss Redundancy!

Then there was a nock at the door and....................EM CAME INTO!

Manic: Into what? Care to give me a less crappy cliffhanger?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No, you GET NO AN THIS TIME BITCH. FUCK OF

Manic: Huh? Wow, lady! No wonder people keep making fun of this fic of yours!

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