Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 3: Wish Upon a Starr (Part Two)

--

3. Starr's big secret

Chapter three- Babylonian twins

Tails: But... but it says "Starr's big secret" over there, and now the title in the actual chapter probably spoils the story... *holds his head* Ow, ow, ow...
Tomoko: Could've sworn that the hedgehogs told you to stop thinking, Prower.
Tails: But I like using my brain.
Tomoko: Yeah, that's good and all, but you're wasting that brain on a crummy fic.

"So, what do you think about this dress?" Amy asked. The girls were all shopping at the mall looking for clothes.

Tails: Did I read this before...?

"I think it's pretty," Cream said.

"Chao Chao!" Cheese squealed. ( It's O.K. I guess…)

Miyuki: I guess we'll never know what the dress looks like.
Akiko: It's made out of Hefty bags.

"What do you think- Starr? You okay?" Amy asked. Starr was acting really strange for the past week, it seemed to get worse by the day. The first day, she looked like she was struggling to be happy. The second day, she was getting sluggish. The third, she was crying a lot. The fourth, she was getting a little testy. The fifth, she was acting like Shadow, keeping to herself. The sixth, she acted like she felt guilty about the whole week and did lots of things with everybody. But today, it was definitely the worst. She wasn't talking, eating, or sleeping. Right at the moment she was staring into oblivion.

Tomoko: Damn it, she's pregnant.
Miyuki: Pfft!

"Oh- wha? Oh, yeah, it's nice," she said barely looking at the dress.

"Starr, is something bothering you?" Amy asked.

Tails: Makes sense to ask, actually.

"No," she lied, " I'm just not on top of the morning I guess…"

Akiko: Didn't know that a morning lasted seven whole days.

"Starr-," Amy started but was interrupted by the loud speaker.

"Attention, shoppers! We have shoplifters running around the women's department!"

"SHOPLIFTERS? What are we going to do if we see them?" Cream said squeezing Cheese.

"I think we all know what to do," Amy smiled pulling out her Piko Piko Hammer.

Miyuki: Sounds like the real Amy, all right.
Tails: I should know. Those poor screens...

"Right," Starr nodded pulling out a boomerang. It had two green feathers attached to the middle.

Tails: Doesn't that sort of... alter the boomerang's trajectory? Never mind.

"Starr, where'd you get those?" Amy asked, "Those aren't yours."

Tomoko: How the hell would you know? You psychic? You turned into Prower's cousin?

"I found them on my travels." Starr said fast. So fast that it was an obvious lie.

"Starr…" Amy growled, "Don't lie to us…"

"I'M NOT!" she panicked. Before Amy could say another word, the shoplifters rushed right in front of them. One appeared to be a green Hawk, another was a muscular grey-black Albatross, and the third was a purple Swallow.

Tails: Why... would the Babylon Rogues... shoplift...?

"WOO! PANTIE RAID! WOO HOO HOO HOO!" the boys squealed evilly, followed by the girl who was screaming, "You two insult women-kind!"

Akiko: I think I'm lost.
Miyuki: Well, get used to it.

"Oh, not you guys AGAIN!" Amy groaned.

"Yes it is I, Jet." The Hawk said.

"And I, Wave," the Swallow giggled.

"AND STORM," the Albatross added. (rimshot and audience howls with laughter. Especially me. I laughed so hard I soiled my pants.)

Tails, Tomoko: ...
Miyuki: *slams her head on the table*
Akiko: Get off the stage! *boos*

Jet smirked.

"So let's see, we have Sonic's girlfriend, that one weird bunny that nobody cares about-…"

(Audience boos Jet for the remark about Cream. Especially me. I threw a heavy object at him and then apologized because he's a favorite.)

Miyuki: *while her head is still on the table* Nobody cares, author.

"… The cute little Cha- OW! SHE BIT ME! (copyright)" Cheese spat a raspberry at Jet.

Miyuki: Just chop my head off with an axe. I can't riff any more of this stuff.

"And…" Jet paused. He studied Starr closely. Her eyes met his and she immediately perked up. "Starr?" he asked.

"NO!" Starr screamed and ran off almost as fast as Sonic.

Tomoko: *unfazed* Yeah. She really doesn't have a connection to that guy.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?" Amy shrieked flailing her hammer in attempt to bash Jet. Jet dodged her attack and jumped on an Extreme Gear that he pulled out of nowhere.

Tails: It comes from the same pocket space that holds the Chaos Emeralds.

"Starr! Wait!" he called.

"AAH! He's after Starr! What are we going to do?" Cream screamed.

"Let's kill him and serve him for Thanksgiving," Amy cackled.

"Amy?"

"Oh, fine let's just smash his noggin with a rock…"

"Okay. That works too."

"Chao, chao." (Yay, killing people is fun.)

Tails: *stunned* How many more sociopaths do I have to run into? And in the Sonic section, no less?
Akiko: A lot.
Tails: Seriously, Amy was never this unhinged... never mind. I forgot about her murder attempts when it came to her "cousin".

While I agreed with Cheese that killing people is fun,

Tomoko: Lady, you need help. And why the hell are we in the first person all of a sudden?
Miyuki: *as she lifts her head from the table* Because we needed an author's note.
Tomoko: I don't wanna see that crap.

I could not let them murderize Jet, considering that he's so cute and cuddly I just want to give that little a hawk a big old bear hug! HE'S SO ADORABLE! Like a plushie! (Squeakie) And so- OW!

Sonic (mine)- Get on with it, you freak.

bloomacncheez: Alright, fine. I'll stop rambling… just don't you spike me no more! Anyway… I couldn't let them kill Jet so I made them decide to let Cheese smack him.

"Hey! Let's let Cheese smack him!" Amy said.

Tails: Well, that was a waste of words.

"YEAH!" Cream squealed.

"Chao chao!" (I love ouching peoples!)

Miyuki: Could we not?

"Starr! Please! Don't you recognize me?" Jet cried. They passed by Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, The Chaotix team and all them other peoples.

Tails: "And all those other people". Proper grammar, please, narrator.
Tomoko: Ah, screw the corrections. Just give the thing a failing grade right now.

"Hey… was that-?" Sonic asked. The others merely nodded.

"Hey, Starr! Remember US?" Wave called evilly.

"PRETTY BUTTERFLIES!" Storm bellowed.

Akiko: I think I'm lost again.
Tails: That's because you were never found.

"YEAH! AND I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU EITHER!" Starr screamed running for dear life. Her heart rate was going like, a million miles an hour and she kept on running.

Miyuki: Then it exploded, fic's over, can we leave now?
Tails: No.
Miyuki: *groans in frustration*

"I can't let them catch me," she thought to herself. "If they catch me then I'll lose my friends…" With that, Jet sped right in front of her path. She turned the other way but the other two had formed a triangle, trapping her with in it.

Tomoko: Can't she just fly?
Akiko: That's logic, Tomo-chan.

"Starr, look at me," Jet said calmly, "Do you know who I am?"

"Yeah, if you know us, you outta know him," Wave hissed.

"I LOVE YOU! AND PANCAKES WITH PICKLES!" Storm screamed. Starr was scared. She covered her face with her hands and cried.

Akiko: Well, this random "humor" is scaring me, so...

"Starr, it's okay! It's me!" Jet comforted. Finally, Starr got some courage.

"JET! LEAVE ME ALONE! DO YOU REALIZE YOU'VE PICKED THE WORST TIME TO FIND ME?" she yelled. Jet grinned and hugged her.

"AW, STARR! I LOVE YOU TOO!"

"This is SO sick," Wave hurled.

"PLEASE DON'T DATE ME! I'LL WORK HARDER!" Storm squealed.

"Can you please stop screaming?"

"I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S A REAL BAD HABIT!"

"HEY! RELEASE HER NOW!" Vector shrieked. Jet stopped hugging Starr and smirked.

All: *looks at Tails's noise canceling device*
Miyuki: Well, at least the thing's doing its job for now.

"Why?" he sassed. Sonic steamed.

"What do you mean 'Why?' What do you want with her?" Sonic barked.

"I have a right to say 'Hi' to my sister, sheesh," Jet said rolling his eyes.

"YOUR SISTER?" everyone (except Starr, Wave, Jet, and Storm) screamed.

All: Wait, what?!
Tails: So I was right for the wrong reason. I assumed that Jet was her secret lover, but she said that she didn't have a boyfriend in the last chapter.

"BLUE IS A COLOR!" Storm yelled. (Copyright)

Tomoko: *grumpy* Oh, shut the hell up, will ya?

" I don't believe you, Jet," Charmy said.

"Me neither. Cheese, ATTACK!" Amy shouted.

Smack.

"OW!" Jet yelped and fell over.

"Nice," Cream complimented.

Tails: Wait, Cream's praising random violence? I thought that she was a pacifist!
Akiko: Canon left a long time ago.

"If elected Miss Babylon Garden, I promise to bring honor to this tiara…" Jet said all woozy. (Major copyright)

Miyuki: Wow, this is boring. When's this fic ending?
Tomoko: With the rate this thing's going, probably never. And that irks me.

"I have been waiting for this forever," Amy grinned putting her foot on him and raising her hammer.

"Boy, does she need a hobby," Shadow whispered to Sonic. (copyright)

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!" Storm shouted. (copyright)

"We're not yelling," Tails said, "only you are."

"I LIKE TO! IT HELPS ME REMEMBER THINGS! I LIKE PIE!" (copyright)

Miyuki: This is driving me nuts!
Akiko: Copyright.
Miyuki: *makes a face*
Akiko: I couldn't help it. But yeah, the constant copyright stuff's bothering me, too.

"Alrighty then… time for Jet to die," Amy said. Jet looked up at Starr with pleading eyes.

"Bye, Starr. I'm glad we met again before the end…" he said with a little smile. Starr's eyes filled with tears. She shook her head and embraced him.

"Amy, don't! He IS my brother!" she sobbed.

"HUH?" Amy stuttered.

"WHAT!" Vector, Charmy, and Espio shrieked.

"LOUD NOISES!" Storm thundered. (copyright)

All: *looks at the device*
Tails: Great, it's already sparking a bit...

"I didn't think she had a brother…" Sonic sighed.

"Look, if you let me plead my case, I'll tell you everything," Starr cried.

"When you say 'everything,' do you ACTUALLY mean 'EVERYTHING'?" Espio said suggestively.

"Ugh! No! Not like that, you pervert!" Starr shuddered.

Tails: Okay... why is Espio acting like that?
Tomoko: Because it's a crap Sonic fic, Prower.

"Now scratching 'Espio' off the wanted brother-in-law list…" Jet muttered taking out a pen and a very short list with, "Espio, Charmy, Shadow Eggman, Storm, Tails, Sonic, Knuckles, Chaoia, Chaoy, Big, E-102, Emeral, Mighty, and Chris Thorndyke all crossed out. Except Sonic's name was special. His was so scribbled out, that there were holes in the paper.

Akiko: Someone's really trying to pad that word count, huh?

"Uh, who's Chris Thorndyke?" Sonic asked.

Tails: Why is Sonic asking this question?! He should already know who he is!
Akiko: So... who is he, really?
Tails: He's a kid from a different universe than ours... and he's pretty hated by the fanbase... that's about it.

"I dunno, we haven't gotten that far into the story yet," Jet shrugged.

Akiko: Hey, breaking the fourth wall is my thing, guy!

"So… how many names are left?" Vector asked.

"Four. Bokkun, Bocoe, Decoe, and Vector."

"Well, you could automatically cross out three of those four because I'm not marrying robots!" Starr snapped.

"Ooh, that narrows it down!" Jet said happily. Vector grinned.

Miyuki: Yeah, let's go force a lady into a relationship that she doesn't want. Smooth, buddy.
Tomoko: Tch.

"What were we talking about?" Wave asked. Everyone shrugged except Storm who screamed,

"THE WONDERFUL TELEPHONE SYSTEM!" Starr then duck-taped his beak shut.

Miyuki: I can't believe that I'm doing this, but... *claps*
Tails: About time, too. I think my device was about to explo--
*Tails's device then explodes.*
Tomoko: Back to the drawing board, Prower.
Tails: *sighs* Indeed.

"Oh, yeah," Starr exclaimed, "my real story."

Akiko: Uh-oh! Giant paragraph alert!
Miyuki: Then we better split it up. Don't want to go nuts like the Black Crow did when they read the first "Sabrina's Adventure".

"Eighteen years ago, when Jet and I were born, our parents had our futures set. We're Babylonian Rouges, see, and

Tails: ...I was right, pay me.
Miyuki: "Rogue" is misspelled.
Akiko: Babylon Rouge Angles of Satin.

we're supposed to be bad and dishonest. Most brothers and sisters fight all the time. But not us. Jet and I loved each other and we were always playing with each other.

Akiko: Someone hasn't met the squirrel twins or Kyo-chan and his sister. Also, Zaku never founght his sister all the time...

But when we were both one, the stealing trials began. I didn't like it, it was boring and it was wrong.

Tails: You had advanced thoughts as a toddler?

However Jet and my parents begged to differ. This didn't affect Jet and my relationship, but it affected my parents. When we turned two, my parents had had enough of my stalling and banished me from our village.

Miyuki: Isn't that child abandonment...?

Before I left, Jet and I traded two of our feathers as a memory. So, sixteen years later after searching for a new home in every possible place on the planet, I saw the big World Grand Prix on the TV. The minute I saw my twin brother on the screen, I leaped up in the air and knew I had found him. Then I saw Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, racing him and I prayed for him.

Tomoko: Did you pray to that walking blue hair gel thing?
Tails: Chaos? I doubt it.

Tails and Knuckles fell back and it was between Jet and Sonic. I was scared when Sonic passed him. But as I watched the screen, I saw Wave activate a bomb on Sonic's board, letting Jet win. (How I loathe her for that.)

Miyuki: Did she just put a thought in her thoughts?
Tails: I... well, she didn't, but it does look weird.

When he brought back the Babylon Garden I thought I'd get there first and surprise him. I got up there on my Extreme Gear, and looked high and low for him, so I walked to the road and with that two robot racers hit me and knocked me off the island. The wind must've been amazingly strong that day because I flew into the ocean and was separated from my board. This is when I discovered that I couldn't swim.

Akiko: You traveled the world and suddenly discovered that you couldn't swim? What?

I became exhausted from flailing, and passed out. When I woke up, I was in a whole different place, and when Tails came to see me, I realized there would be trouble if you all knew who I was. So I had to lie and say, I don't miss my family, I ran away from home, and that I found these two feathers on my boomerang on my travels. Guys, I'm really sorry I lied to you."

Miyuki: Know what's worse? That didn't need to be in italics at all. She was talking to the whole group, so that was just pointless.

They all stared at Starr blankly. Jet sighed and took two sunset colored feathers off the bottom of his Extreme Gear.

"Hmm? I'm sorry? I wasn't really paying attention. Will you please repeat that whole whatever you were rambling about?" Shadow said pulling on his ear.

Miyuki: Can I just punch you in the face instead?

Starr gave a shuddered sigh and cried softly, "I'm so sorry," and she ran away. Jet started to run after her but Tails and Sonic got in front of him.

"Leave her be, she'll be back by tonight," Sonic softly told him. There was a long silence before Jet plopped down on the ground and covered his face with his arms and knees.

"BUY THE PIANOHONKEYPHONE! ITS DELICIOUS!" Storm squealed, "JUST ADD CHEESE!"

"CHAO CHAO CHAO!" Cheese screamed. (CANNIBLE!)

Tomoko: Gah! My ears!
Miyuki: How the hell did he break the duct tape off?!
Tails: That's what happens in a story that's full of randomness.

"Storm, Wave, go away, just leave me here…" Jet sighed.

"What?" Wave stuttered, "You- you're kicking us out? I THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!" she howled.

"Wave, it would SO not work out beyond many levels…" Jet said in a disgusted tone.

"You're leaving the band?" Sonic asked.

Akiko: An actual music band? I don't think I wanna see them live on stage.

"Hey, my sister can do it, so can I," Jet sighed.

"Fine! If that's how you want to play it! Come on, Storm," Wave hissed.

"CAN WE STOP AT OLD NAVY? THEY HAVE SKIRTS ON SALE!" Storm insisted.

Akiko: No wonder comedy's hard, because I feel like I'm gonna die from this bad "humor"!

"I cannot believe that we're friends…" Wave sighed.

Back at Tails' house, everyone sat waiting for Starr to return home. Sonic felt something fishy about Jet. Why would he just give up like that?

Tomoko: Because he's OOC. Next question.

He kept a close eye on the hawk.

"So how does that work?" Sonic asked Jet.

"How does what work?" he replied.

"Well, you're a hawk, she's a toucan, we're talking about a whole different climate zone, how does that work?"

Tails: Well, Kyo's a red fox, and his sister's an arctic fox, and... well, I don't know, does this really matter in the long run?

"Hey, I know you hate me, and to be particularly honest, Hedgehog, I don't for you much either, but you could at least believe me about her being my little sister," Jet snapped.

Tails: Sonic... hating people? Okay, we know that our Sonic hates some people...
Akiko: He hates Mary Sues and Gary Stus, actually. Then again, we all do.

"Okay, okay, don't be testy," Sonic replied suavely. There was a silence, and then Jet answered, "My mom was a toucan, my dad was a hawk, and when they had us, this is how we turned out. We're only half-Babylonian anyway. Ourmom got confused and found the Garden on accident and then she met our dad."

Tomoko: Well... that... makes a bit of sense. I'm actually surprised here.

"Oh, okay, just wondering…" Sonic shrugged. They waited a few minutes longer before Jet got up and grabbed his Extreme Gear.

"Where do you think YOU'RE going?" Sonic asked him.

"I'm going out," he said.

"Out where?"

"To go visit Santa Claus," Jet said sarcastically, "To find my sister, stupid, what did you expect? I lost her once and I don't want to lose her ever again…" he pulled down his goggles and flew off.

Miyuki: Well, I was gonna say "to the Sun", but that works, too.

"Sonic…?" Tails groaned.

"I don't trust him," Sonic snarled.

"Well, what reason has he given us to trust him?" Amy growled.

"None," Charmy said.

"Um, that was a rhetorical question, Charmy," Vector said, "In other words, you weren't supposed to answer it."

"Oh… well… who wants pancakes with pickles?"

Tails: Death can't come fast enough.

Jet flew down in the direction that Starr ran. Where was she?

Charmy: I don't know.

Vector: Once again that was a rhetorical question.

Okay… um… anyway…

Akiko: The fourth wall broke.
Miyuki: *gets some bricks, cement, and a trowel* I have plenty of time to repair it.

"STARR!" he called. His voice echoed through the vast emptiness of the night sky. "SIS!" All he heard was the waves (HA HA! I SAID WAVE! HA HA!) of the ocean.

Tomoko: *stares at the screen* End this fic.

He slowed his board a little and hopped off. He walked alongside the water in hopes of seeing a sign of his little sister.

"Jet?" said a voice behind him. He whirled around to face Starr. "I'm sorry…" she said again.

"Aw, Starr…" Jet sighed as he hugged her.

"Ah, young love…" Decoe sighed. (What the…?)

"Uh, no, he's my brother…" Starr said blushing.

"Whatever…" Boecoe said. (WHAT THE...?)

Tails: Why is "What the?" in parenthesis? What's the point?
Miyuki: No idea.

(No, why are THOSE guys on the beach alone at night... TOGETHER?)

Later…

"I found her!" Jet said triumphantly.

"Oh, thank heavens! I thought I was going to have to find her myself," Sonic laughed.

"Ha ha ha, real funny…" Jet said sarcastically.

"Um, look, I'm sorry-," Starr started.

"For what? We're fine with it!" Amy smiled.

"Thanks…"

Sonic and Jet smiled to see how happy Starr was. But still… that didn't mean that they liked each other…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Tomoko: Well, that "conflict" is over, so what's supposed to be in the rest of this fic?
Akiko: Filler?
Tomoko: I swear, I don't need a filler filled fic.
Tails: Unfortunately, that's what it's probably going to be.
Miyuki: *sighs as she sets the bricks up* Yay.

--

Continue to Part Three
Go Back to Part One
Go Back to Disasterpiece Theater Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page