Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 3: Wish Upon a Starr (Part One)

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Tails: Well, since the summary's so special, we apparently had to riff it...

A mysterious girl, known as Starr, washes up on Emerald coast. The Chaotix is desprately in love with her.

Tomoko: Oh, great... another Sue fic where everyone gets horny for her on first sight. I'm so tired of these fics.

Who is her crush and how does she know a certain hawk? PLEASE READ AND REVIEW I'M DESPRATE!

Akiko: You... you misspelled "desperate". You really must be clinging to life over there.

COMPLETE! Critique discouraged.

Miyuki: "Critique discouraged." It's freaking discouraged. Holy crap, this person's just begging for this fic to be skewered now. Seriously, what's with these people putting stuff on the net if they don't want critiques?
Tails: Once again, they only want praise.
Miyuki: Yeah, too bad that this isn't the joint where people get easy gold star stickers. I'm riffing it.

1. The mysterious toucan

Akiko: In which "mysterious" always means "special". We know.

It was a beautiful day at Emerald Coast. The waves brought a sparkle upon the soft sanded shore. The sun was blazing down on the villagers of Central City.

Tomoko: So hot that they melted like candle wax.

And the famous blue hedgehog, along with all of his best friends, were enjoying their day at the beach.

Tails: Did we stumble into the "Sabrina's Adventure 2" set?
Miyuki: The what now?
Akiko: Oh, yeah, Miyu-chan told me about that. She said that the characters spent like half the fic on the beach doing next to nothing.
Miyuki: Wow. Sounds really boring.

Sonic and Amy were tanning themselves in the sun. Tails was putting the last touches on his homemade surfboard. Knuckles was digging in the sand for treasures. Cream, Cheese, Chaoia, Chaoina, and Chaoy were building an enormous sandcastle.

Tomoko: Chaoia, Chaoina, Chaoy? Did those names fall out of a password generator or somethin'?
Akiko: I'm just trying to pronounce them. *stumbles over her attempted pronunciations* Never mind, I'm giving up.

Big was fishing with Froggy. Rouge was shell collecting. Vector and Charmy were having a very vicious splash fight in the shimmering blue water. Espio was deep asleep. Only Shadow seemed to be complaining.

Tails: When isn't he grouchy? He's always grouchy in every bad Sonic fic out there!

"AUGH! This is so BORING! Amy, this is all your fault!" he shouted.

Miyuki: It's the friggin' beach! You know you can just leave, right? She didn't chain your butt to the sand!

"ME? What did I have to do with this? You're the one who came!" Amy argued.

"You said- and I quote- 'This is a fantastical, magical place to relieve you of all stress and worries.'"

Akiko: I thought that was the Land of Make-Believe. You missed the friendly neighborhood trolley again, didn't you?

"Yeah, and you just under appreciate things too much, Mr. I'm-No-Fun."

Shadow pouted and crossed his arms. "Yeah?" he growled, "Well… YOU'RE… the one… who's… no fun! So there! HA!" Sonic stared at him.

Tomoko: I already hate this fic.
Tails: We just started!
Tomoko: Best that I should admit it now instead of later, Prower.

"Shadow, you argue like a two-year-old," he said.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna stop talking," Shadow sighed.

"I'm finished!" Tails chirped. Sonic turned around and smiled at his twin-tail compadre.

"Let's see it, buddy," he said with a grin. Tails handed him the board. Sonic studied it closely.

"So, it's like a hover board?" he said finally. Tails nodded.

Tails: So... it's basically a board that Rory can create?

"Yep, want to see it work?" he asked.

"Sure, why not?"

Tails: No, we're fine, thanks...

Tails set the board on the surface of the water and sat down on it. He flicked the "On" switch and read the status as it warmed up.

"Now let's see," the small fox rambled, "Those wires are connected correctly… the speed needs to be reduced… WHAT?"

With that, the board took off like a rocket and skipped on the water like a stone.

Akiko: Sounds like you on your worst days.
Tails: I can't tell you how many holes I had to patch in after messing around with some items in my workshop...

"Whoa! Look at him go!" Knuckles said jumping up and down excitedly.

"Tails!" Sonic called, "Whatever you do- DON'T LET GO!"

Miyuki: Five bucks says that he'll let go.

Of course, Tails then let go and he fell into the water.

Miyuki: I want my money now, fic.

He slowly dog paddled to the shore and threw a conch at Knuckles who was howling with laughter. Sonic struggled to hold back a smile.

"Oh, well, better luck next time," he encouraged.

"Thanks, Sonic," Tails said, giving Knuckles (who was still laughing even though he just got hit in the noggin with an enormous seashell) a dirty look.

Tomoko: I love how we're told that he got smacked out of nowhere.

"Sonic!" Chaoia screamed.

"What's wrong?" Sonic said jumping up.

"There's a bird- (pant)- she's washed up on the beach- (pant)- she might die- (pant)- if we don't help her." Chaoia panted.

Tomoko: ...leave her there.
Tails: Then the fic won't continue.
Tomoko: That's why I said what I said.
Miyuki: "Pant," she panted. Holy crap, there's so much panting.

"Oh-no!" Amy gasped, "We have to help her!"

"A beached bird? Huh, I though it was supposed to be a beached WHALE…" Sonic said jokingly. Chaoia struck him over the head with his tiny arm. "OW!"

"Shut up, Sonic! This isn't a time for games!" Chaoia shrieked. Amy disregarded the fact that Sonic just got beat up by a Chao and ran to find Cream and the bird.

Tails: Sonic would never joke in a dire situation like that.
Akiko: Man, bad Sonic fics sure love to turn your pal into a giant idiot.
Tails: He knows. And he hates it.

A few minutes later, Amy, Sonic, Chaoia, Shadow, Tails, and Knuckles met up with the rest of the gang.

"Here she is," Cream said. Sonic approached the bird. She was a sunset orange-pink colored toucan with a red dress with a blue streak across the chest and she wore a pair of black sneakers.

Miyuki: Drink. Drink all the alcohol.
Akiko: Mi-chan, that's not the worst description.
Miyuki: I know. I just want to drink.

"She's overheated," Sonic said.

"I dunno, she looks like she washed up and sat out in the sun awhile," Tails inferred.

Tomoko: Isn't that what "overheated" means, you dummy?

"Are you going to argue, or listen to the master?" Amy snapped.

"Uh-."

"Don't or I'll thump you like a melon! You hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am, like a melon…" (copyright)

All: *with blank looks on their faces*
Akiko: *points at the copyright* What is that? Why is that there? What is that?!
Tails: Was that supposed to be humor?
Miyuki: I think so.
Tomoko: Dying's easy. Comedy's real hard.

"You know she's kinda cute…" Charmy giggled.

"Yes, I agree," Espio said.

"What are you talkin' about? She's hot!" Vector added suggestively.

All: *flatly* What.
Miyuki: She's dying, and the first thought is "I wanna bone her"? Oh, we've already hit instant Mary Sue territory.
Tails: It's more like a Mary Sue trait. And it's one of the worst traits, unfortunately.

"So, who's gonna take her in?" Rouge asked.

"I will," Tails volunteered, "MY house has working AC!"

"You don't need to rub it in…" Amy muttered.

Akiko: Uh... wouldn't that be the best option? She's overheated... never mind. This fic is already confusing me.

Sonic knocked on Tails' door anxiously.

"Hi, Sonic, glad you're here," Tails said when he opened the door.

"Is she awake?" Sonic asked.

"Yep, just about ten minutes ago! C'mon in and meet her!"

Even though Sonic was supposedly the fastest thing alive, he was the last one there.

Miyuki: Daylight Savings Time screwed up his inner clock.

Everybody had come to see the new girl. It looked like they were all relaxing for awhile. Tails brought Sonic to the bird and smiled.

"Hey, I'd like you to meet my best friend, Sonic," Tails said to the toucan.

"Hi," Sonic said holding his hand out to shake her hand (wing, whatever.)

Tails: Just say "hand". It'll be much easier. And what's with the author's notes?
Tomoko: Oh, god, it's another one of those fics, isn't it?
Akiko: Probably.

"So, you're the hedgehog I've heard so much about," she said shaking his hand with a little giggle, "my name's Starr."

TO BE CONTINUED…

Miyuki: Looks like we're gonna have to wish upon a "Suue", huh?
Akiko: Lame...
Miyuki: Is this about the title?
Akiko: No, it's about your bad joke.
Tails: Whoa. Heh.

Chapter two: About Starr

Tomoko: Great. Time for an infodump chapter.
Tails: Well, to be fair, we kind of need it.

"So, Starr," Amy said excitedly, "now that Sonic finally arrived, tell us, what brings you here to Central City?" The toucan didn't answer right away. She looked around a little as if she'd forgotten.

Akiko: Oh, do not tell me that she has amnesia!

"Uh," she started to say. Tails wanted to know something.

"Starr, did you come here on accident?" he asked her. Starr perked up as if she remembered.

"Yeah! That's exactly it!" she exclaimed, "I remember struggling around in the water and then I blacked out, then I was in here!"

"Who are you, what do you want, and why are you here?" Bokkun cried coming out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to his foot. Everybody stared at him.

Tails: Well, that was random.

"I think we've established that already," Knuckles said.

"Oh, well you've got a message from Dr. Eggman!" Bokkun chirped.

"OH JOY! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS ALL DAY!" Shadow screamed sarcastically excited.

Miyuki: *annoyed* Dude, shut up. You're already getting on my nerves here.

"Well, good!" Bokkun said pulling a TV out of his sack. The TV turned on and the message started.

"Brzzt bzzt… Is it on?" Eggman said through the little television.

"Ah, greetings! I see you've got a new little friend! To welcome our newcomer, I will have Bokkun perform a cat food commercial."

"Yep!" Bokkun said then paused, "WHAT? DOCTOR, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

Akiko: *pulls out a pint of ice cream* Great. We have a "random humor" fic. Just what we needed.
Tomoko: *sighs* I'd rather choke myself with my chains. Much less painful.

"Bokkun, don't be rude."

"Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! BUY CAT FOOD! It's delicious!"

Then he pulled out a can of cat food and licked it.

"EW! HOW DO CATS EAT THIS STUFF?" he shrieked yarping up cat food.

Tails: Ask Cassy. Also, you're not a cat. So what was the point of any of this?
Miyuki: Absolutely nothing.

"I think it's tasty," Blaze said coming from no where, "oh, hi, Starr!" And flew off.

"Okay… I think the author is going nuts," Vector said.

All: *bored*
Akiko: *flatly* Oh, look. Random fourth wall breaking. Yay.

(Back on an unknown planet)

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" bloomacncheez screams. "I LOVE SONIC RIDERS! I LOVE JET! WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I KNOW! I THINK I'LL WRITE A STORY ABOUT… CAT FOOD! 'Meow meow meow meow…'"

My hedgehog, Sonic (who we recently discovered was a girl) shook her head.

"Man, I don't even know you anymore," she sighed.

"Cat food?"

"No."

"I love Jet?"

"NO! YOU LOVE ME, DANGIT!"

"I know that… but can I still love Jet?"

"Yeah sure. Go nuts. (As if you weren't nuts to begin with.)"

"WEEEEEEEEE! YAY! I LOVE JET! I LOVE JET! I LOVE JET! I LOVE JET! I LOVE JET! I LOVE JET-!"

Tails: *deathly silent*
Akiko: I think I might experience the "sobbing while eating ice cream" part in a minute.
Tomoko: *begins to wrap her chains around her neck*
Miyuki: *takes the chains* You're not leaving us behind.

(back on Mobius)

"Somebody needs to stop playing that game…" Sonic sighed every time he heard "I LOVE JET!" come from the far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away planet. (Whew.)

Miyuki: *begins to wrap Tomoko's chains around her neck*
Tails: *takes the chains away from Miyuki* Oh, no, you don't! Didn't you just scold Tomoko for trying to do that?
Miyuki: Yeah, I know.
Tails: So what makes you any different?
Miyuki: *as she takes the chains from Tails* "The bigger they are, the harder they fall" stuff.
Tails: *makes a face*
Tomoko: *snatches her chains back from Miyuki* Damn it, get your own chains, Fujiwara! I'm the only one who can choke herself out with the Blackbird set!

"Oh, and I have a little something for you too," Eggman said.

KABOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Bokkun giggled and flew away.

"Uh, sorry about that, Starr…" Amy apologized. Starr coughed and smiled.

"Don't worry about it, I've had worse," she said painfully.

Akiko: If it has to do with an abusive past, I'm retiring from riffing.

"Well, you were saying?" Shadow asked.

"Uh, well, I'm a traveler," Starr said. Cream got very excited.

"Oh really? What's it like?" she asked anxiously.

"Well, it's really neat! A lot of the places are the same though," Starr said.

Tails: You know, every place has things like grass and dirt... *shifts eyes*

"Yeah, but you still enjoy it right?" Sonic asked.

"Of course! 'The wanderer of the world!' That's what my friends call me," Starr chirped.

"So when did you leave home to start travelling?" Charmy asked her.

"Well, I'm eighteen now, so that means I've been travelling for… sixteen years!" Starr exclaimed.

Akiko: Yep, she's been reading maps since she was a toddler! Wait, how did she leave her home at the age of two? That doesn't make any sense.
Miyuki: Nothing makes sense now.

"SIXTEEN? YOU MUST'VE BEEN LIKE, TEN WHEN YOU LEFT HOME!" Charmy screamed. Tails whispered something into Charmy's ear. "Oh," he giggled, "TWO!"

Tails: Ack! *as he covers his ears* Why is everyone screaming in this fic? It's driving me bonkers!
Tomoko: Maybe you should start making a noise canceling thing, Prower.
Tails: I'm surprised that I didn't think about that sooner! I'll see if I can make a preliminary canceling set after this chapter's over.
Akiko: Uh-oh.

"Don't you miss your family?" Cream asked. Starr shook her head.

"Chao chao?" Cheese asked.

Tails: *sarcastically* Well, that was a useful line.

"No. I don't," Starr said sadly.

"You're an orphan. Aren't you?" Amy asked her.

"No, I have family."

Miyuki: Please don't say that they abused her...

"Well, why don't you miss them?"

"You ever wondered why I ran away?"

"You ran away?"

"Yeah, home was a boring life and I was curious about life outside our land," Starr explained.

Akiko: Well, I'm surprised. We didn't get the old "my parents abused me" stuff.
Tails: I'm starting to wonder about something, though. She's a toucan and comes from a different land?
Miyuki: Yeah? What's so special about that?
Tails: She might be a Babylonian.
Tomoko: What?
Tails: Part of the Babylon Rogues. They use Extreme Gear, just like Rory and Cassy do. And considering that the author was screaming about Jet earlier, Starr's most likely connected to him in some way. We'll have to wait and see, though.

"But…"

"Enough about me! What about you guys?" Starr interrupted quickly.

Akiko: And cue the part where the spotlight goes right back to her after two seconds...

After the Sonic team finished introducing themselves and stuff like that, Vector was anxious to ask her something.

"STARR, DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?" he blurted out. Amy, Cream, and Starr giggled.

Akiko: Called it.

"No, I don't, Vector," Starr laughed. Vector, Espio, and Charmy sighed a sigh of relief.

"So how long do you want to stay here?" Tails asked, "Cuz' it won't hurt our feelings if you want to stay here."

Tomoko: Just don't eat all the food. We're already dealing with Tsukino's and Hancock's endless stomachs. At least Tsukino cooks her food.

"Um, you have anything exciting here?"

"You bet! Water slides, Lakes, mountains, beautiful flowers-."

Tails: They're all crammed into one convenient location. You know, it's like the old Thames Television identification card!

"Trees? Rocks?" Starr asked.

"Uhh… yes…" Tails said making a weirded out face.

Miyuki: And they're all edible!
Akiko: *flatly* What.

"Great! Then I want to stay!" Starr said excitedly.

"Okay… great, but why are rocks and trees so fascinating?" Amy asked.

"Amy, the animals nowadays are way too industrialized, you don't know how little nature there is," Starr sighed.

"'Industrialized?' Tails asked, "Vector, you don't think this is Eggman's work… do you?"

"Ah, maybe, but who cares? Starr is staying with us!" he squeaked.

Tomoko: You sure have some priorities, you horny idiot.

"So, do you want to stay with us?" Cream asked.

"Uh, is that okay?"

All: *muttering various responses akin to "No, not really..."*

"Of course!" Amy, Cream and Cheese squealed. (Except Cheese said, "Chao chao" like she usually does.)

"Well, thanks guys!"

(That night…)

"Good night Cream, good night, Cheese, good night, Starr," Amy called to her roommates.

"Good night, Amy!"

"Chao Chao!"

"Good night, girls!" Starr called.

Tails: Goodnight, moon.

She pulled her covers up to her neck and lay down, deep in thought, "I wonder if they'll find me out…"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Miyuki: Okay, is there any bad OC that doesn't have a "sooper seekrit past"?
Akiko: No. That's why we have it.
Tails: Actually, this fic was supposed to go to Sonic and his group. I wonder why he didn't want to deal with it.
Tomoko: Look at it. You know why he didn't want it, Prower.

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Continue to Part Two
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