Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Riffer Recruits, Episode 2: The Tekken Relations

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As we all know Kazuya Mishima and Jun Kazama are the parents of Jin Kazama.

Tails: Yeah...

Now, the question is, are those two still getting their freak on?

Tomoko: What kind of stupid question is this? And why should we care?
Miyuki: Because reasons.

Well me, Renata, and Jin have been going steady for a year.

Miyuki: *sarcastically* Because Jin really cares about relationships.
Tails: That sentence structure is awful. It makes it sound like Jin's dating two women at once.

When I go over their house for dinner Kazuya and Jun give each other the eye. You know, the come to my room after dinner kind of eye. It's hard for me to see any kind of parental figure having sex. That's just disgusting.

Akiko: Man, just wait until she gets older.
Tomoko: Why do I have this feeling that she's going to be this gigantic idiot?
Tails: I don't blame you for having that feeling.

Me and Jin, we haven't done the nasty yet. I'm not rushing it. Jin is fine as hell. I touch him and he sizzles.

Akiko: Is that another term for hormones?
Tails: I have no idea.

So one day I was having dinner at my family's house. My Mom is Nina Williams.

Miyuki: *laughs loudly*
Tomoko: No way would she admit that that doofus is her daughter.
Miyuki: And there's no way that Steve would admit that she's his sister! Well, if he was here, of course.

I don't like my aunt Anna too much. She's a bitch with a capital B. Kazuya has gotten over the fact that my Mom tried to kill some odd years ago.

Tails: Nina's not that much nicer... and what did she try to kill?
Miyuki: Properly constructed sentences. But yeah, I know, she tried to kill Kazuya once.
Akiko: Yeah, I think he's used to people trying to kill him. We still need to get him for attaching boxing gloves to kangaroos and dinosaurs, you know.

Me and my Mom had cooked up one mean meal. I don't feel like getting into details, but it was the bomb. Jin loved it and that's all that matters.

Tomoko: What's with this dumb slang? Are we gonna dance in pants that MC Hammer wore next?

After dinner Jin and I took a walk around the park. We were holding hands and all the old people in the park were like, "Awwww the babies."

Miyuki: *rolls her eyes* Oh, please. They don't care about your stupid self or your bonk buddy.

Jin and are very happy together. We sat on a bench and talked about stuff. The stars were shining and it was cold. You know how it is when it's cold.

Tails: That depends on your definition of "cold", actually.

We cuddled. I'm such a dork when I talk about me and Jin.

Tomoko: You're a dork even when you aren't talking about "you and Jin".

I try to keep my sexual urges as just urges, but that boy gets me heated. I maintain control.

Miyuki: And you don't know what masturbation means? Seriously, it's not a bad thing!

He leaned over gently and began to kiss me softly. Oh God how I love that! People think just because he's a fighter he's a cold person but he's the exact opposite. He's gentle and loving.

Tails: Pfft...

Thank God he isn't like his father.

Tails: *laughs* Oh, how you just don't know! I think you have this "Jin" confused with Lars here!
Akiko: Wait, Jin's the doofus who started a war just so he could fry a demon chicken?
Tails: Yep!
Akiko: Oh, wow!

I don't see how Jun puts up with Kazuya. He's cool sometimes, but what prick.

Miyuki: Well, considering that he's the damn devil and all... I don't want to know about Kazuya's prick, thank you.
Tomoko: *sighs* Damn it, Fujiwara...

Well Heihachi, Jin's grandfather, is the worst. You know he tried to hit on me once. Old pervert.

Akiko: Eww!
Tails: That's... not... Heihachi. I think you're confusing him with M. Bison.
Tomoko: This is the grossest thing that I've seen so far. I've never heard of a Sue that's so hot that her boyfriend's grandfather tried to hit on her.
Miyuki: Well, you have now. Man, I'm itching for some brain bleach.

Anyway, back to Jin. We got up off the bench and headed home. While we were walking Jin stopped and said,"

Renata, I love more than anything."

Tails: You love what?! Pizza, flowers, morons with IQs that rival tomatoes, what?!
Tomoko: He loves the third option, Prower.

He paused and then continued," and I would do anything for you."

Akiko: *as Jin* I'd start a war and blow up half the planet for you.

I looked him in the eye and said," I know. Why are you talking like this?"

Miyuki: *as Jin* Because I think a different head is speaking for me. Help!

He looked down then back up and asked," What's up with you?" I was puzzled. " Uh, what the hell are you talking about?" He took a breath and said," Tonight at dinner you were looking at my dad with those goo-goo eyes." Turn around and thought back to dinner and went crazy." You think I was checking out Kazuya. What the ... what the hell gave you that idea? And what the hell are 'goo-goo eyes'?"

Tomoko: I swear, if his father has a thing for this brain-dead moron, I will break something.
Miyuki: She's speaking in all of this stupid slang and doesn't know what "goo-goo eyes" are?

He crossed his arms and went into a deep thought." Hello in there," I said. I take back all the good things I said about him. How dare he make such a false accusation against me. His dad is kinda hot, but still I wasn't checking him out. Jin said he was sorry, we kissed, and continued for my house. Like the gentleman he is, he walked to my door and gave a long kiss good night. Sweet kisses of an angel.

Tails: *as Renata* How dare he! *is then kissed* Oh, he's so wonderful!

I went in the house and my Mom was watching Lifetime." How can you watch this crap," I asked. She just looked at me and went about her business. Some mother I have, huh?

Akiko: Nina? Watching Lifetime?
Miyuki: Well, to be fair, their movies are so awful. I love it when I make fun of those things with Emi.
Akiko: You really need to let me know when you're gonna do that again, Mi-chan. Sounds like fun!
Miyuki: Bring the ice cream, and you have a deal.

Well, I was tired so I went to bed. That night I had an awful nightmare that me and Kazuya were doing the nasty. That shit was scary.

Tomoko: Oh, please. He'd kill her before he'd roll around in the sack with her.

I woke up the next morning looking like I've been to Hell and back.

Tails: *puzzled* That's a nightmare?
Tomoko: For Kazuya, yes. But he went through worse stuff, right?
Tails: There was that time where he was thrown into a volcano...
Tomoko: Huh. So he has gone through worse.

I kissed my picture of Jin and I felt a little better. I had the munchies so I ate some bacon and eggs. I was a Saturday so I was watching Saturday morning cartoons.

Akiko: Thrill as she makes bacon and eggs!
Miyuki: "I was a Saturday"? She was a day of the week?! That's a thing?!

My Mom walked passed and asked," How can you watch this crap?" I went on about my business.

Miyuki: Man, Mother's Day has got to be the most awkward day in that house.
Akiko: *as Renata* Happy Mother's Day!
Miyuki: *as Nina* How can you give me this crap?

After breakfast I took a shower and got dressed. Later my best friend, Julia, came over. Her boyfriend, Hwoarang, came over like five minutes after her.

Tails: ...must be talking about someone else named Julia and Hwoarang, because that's really not them.

" Mmmmm...so, what were you two doing," I asked." Uh ... nothing ... much," Hwoarang said. Julia smacked his arm." We ain't do nothing," she said." What have you and Jin been doing?" I looked a little gloomy and said," ...nothing."

Akiko: Nothing! Yeah, that's what this fic's full of! Nothing!

Nothing, we do nothing but kiss. Kiss! I love his kisses but sometimes I want more. Jin keeps teasing me. You know what he does. He'll rub his all over me, getting me all hot. He never finishes the job. Why?

Tomoko: This dumbass does not know anything about her body, does she?
Miyuki: For that matter, she probably doesn't know anything about biology, either.
Tails: Oh, so she's Todd Akin?
Akiko, Miyuki, Tomoko: *stares at Tails*
Tails: *shrugs as he begins browsing on his Miles Electric* I have no regrets for my riff.

I really think he's taking this Kazuya thing to far. I love Jin with every little piece of my broken heart.

Akiko: Her heart's broken? Hey, hey, show me that she's heartbroken, don't tell me that!

Look at what I get in return," You have the hots for my dad." Asshole!!! Like father like son. Prick.

Tomoko: And yet you're dating him. Jesus Christ, I can't stand wishy-washy twits like her.

Awww, what am I talking about? I do love Jin.

Tomoko: *facepalms* Just stop talking, please.

I was kind of looking at Kazuya in a goo-goo manner. But I'm not in love with him. Jin should know where my heart is."

Miyuki: Yeah, in your loins.
Tomoko: Oh, the irony.

Girl are you okay," Julia asked. I nodded. She's my best bud so she knows when something's up. So she dragged me to my room. " What's up? Did he hurt you," she asked.

Tails: No, but I know that you're completely deaf.

I hung my head and said, " He acused me of checking out Kazuya."

" No."

" Yes."

" Why would he think that?"

" He thought he saw me looking at Kazuya with 'goo-goo eyes'."

" What the hell are those?"

" How should I know?"

Akiko: *shifts eyes, casually eats some ice cream*
Miyuki: *sighs heavily* How does she not know what "goo-goo eyes" are, even though she keeps using that term?!
Tomoko: Just ask the idiots who keep abusing those dumb terms like "SJW", "feminazi", and "libtard".

" You're his girlfriend."

" The wierd thing is I had a nightmare that me and Kazuya..."

Tails: Oh, for the love of... it was just a dream! That's it! Why are we bothering with this?!
Miyuki: Because we needed "conflict".

" Stop right there! "

"...you know...the nasty."

" Oh God why?"

" That's what I said."

" Renata, look at me."

" What?! "

" Do you have feelings for Kazuya Mishima?"

" Hell no!!! "

" Just checking."

Me and Julia made plans to talk later and then her and Hwoarang left.

Akiko: What was the point of him being here if he said one measly line?
Tomoko: Because we needed more filler, Miyadama.
Akiko: This whole fic is filler.

I went back downstairs and bumped into my Mom.

" Sweetie I was wondering if you could go out tonight," Nina said. " Sure, but why," I asked. " I have company," she answered.

Miyuki: "Company". Yeah. Sure.

Mommie got a date. I asked who it was and she said Paul Phoenix. I left the house. I went to Jin's house.

Tails: I went bananas after reading that awful narration.

I knocked on the door and Kazuya answered. I said hi with a crack in my voice. He let in and put his hand on my shoulder. I hate to say it but I quivered a little bit. I would normally give him a hug but I was feeling kind of awkward. " What's wrong you seem a little tense," Kazuya said. " Oh, I'm fine. Just dandy really," I replied. " So where's my hug," he asked all jolly. Little did he know that I really didn't want to give him one. But I gave him one anyway. Shit, I shouldn't have done that.

Akiko: Dr. Kazuya McGraw will now discuss dreams.
Tails: Ah, so it's time for fake psychology and humiliating others on nationally syndicated television. What joy!

I went up to Jin's room. Oh, how nice, he's on the bed. Should I just throw my self on him? Well...I did.

Miyuki: I'm starting to wonder if this doofus was dropped on her head recently.
Tails, Tomoko: "Recently"?

He put his arms around me and kissed me. Kazuya walked passed the room. He looks pretty pissed.

Akiko: Okay, so either he's steamed because he doesn't want his son to do the horizontal tango, or he's steamed because his son has the ninny that he wants even though he's with Jun. And if it's the latter... ew. That's super gross.

Jin and I kissed again. I told him that I need to hang around tonight cause my Mom got a date. He laughed.

Tomoko: That just made syphilis look hilarious.

" No, I'm serious. She asked me to stay out the house cause she has 'company' coming," I explained. " So you came to keep me company," he asked. I kissed him. That should have answered his question. I just laid on him for a while. La la la la la la la. Take a hint Jin. Just my luck Jun and Kazuya left the house.

Tails: Next on "Plot Convenience Playhouse"...

" So, Jin, what do you wanna do," I asked. Please say me, please say me!!!

Miyuki: Please don't. And if she gets pregnant, we're all doomed.

" I don't know," he answered.

That was it. I couldn't take it any more. " Jin I can't take it anymore.Take me. Right here, right now," I sort of, kind or yelled. He looked skocked as hell. " You mean do the nasty," he asked. " No. I mean go fuck the tree outside," I said.

Tomoko: *sarcastically* Ooh, you get a comedy award!

" You really wanna...do it?"

" Uh, yeah! "

" Why all of a sudden?"

" Stop asking questions you're killing the mood."

Tails: There was a mood?
Akiko: *shrugs*

" Wow this is a surprise."

" Yeah well, SURPRISE!!! "

Akiko: I'd be surprised if this fic suddenly ended. That'd be the best surprise.

" Is this because of what I said last night."

" About 15 percent."

" Right here? On my bed? Right now?"

" Uh, yeah! "

" I guess we should get to work."

" Racers, start your engines!!! "

Tomoko: Yeah, that line? That would've killed my mood right there.

So we started. We began kissing then it progressed. Shirts were flying. Then our pants. Then socks. At last the underwear. The details are too detailed.

Miyuki: Uh... those aren't details.
Tomoko: I think we were spared, Fujiwara. Because I did not want to hear any versions of "he put his thingie into my you-know-what". *thinks* Damn it. I think I got the "goo-goo eyes" slang. Just shock my brain cells into place, Miyadama.
Akiko: Yeah, I'll do that later, Tomo-chan.

Well people we lost our virginity to each other on December 18, 2002 at 6:25 P.M. That's the exact time Jin penetrated my walls.

All: *stares at the screen*
Tomoko: *silently mouths the words "What the fuck?"*
Akiko: ...you kidding me? Did she look at the alarm clock while they were doing all of that?
Miyuki: *pretends to write in a planner* 6:25... lost my V-card to my boyfriend. Hope he didn't knock me up.
Tails: *blinks* Miyuki... I... what?
Miyuki: I don't know. Sounds like something she'd do.

I did want to say the real word. I have to edit myself.

Tomoko: ...that... riffed itself.

When we were done, that was at 8:55 P.M., we just kind of rolled over and laid there.

Akiko: Whoa, that Devil Gene must have made him last a while, huh?

Then we heard the door unlock and we rushed to get dressed. They caught us anyway. We didn't get in trouble, we just got the sex talk. We were getting the sex talk at the age of 19 after we had sex.

Tails: Kazuya... giving the birds and the bees conversation?
Akiko: *as Kazuya* And when you finally "penetrate her walls", repeat the following as you thrust... "Dorya! Dorya! Dorya!"
Tails: I... eh?!
Miyuki: *cracks up* I can't believe you said that, Akiko!
Tomoko: *stunned* Miyadama... I don't... whatever. Let's just... move on.

That was so embarrassing. The didn't look that disappointed. Actually, Jun looked like she was proud ... or something. Kazuya looked liked he just died. The thing is that we didn't protection. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Akiko: Was he wearing his Tekken Force armor? Isn't that enough protection?
Miyuki: Pfft!

Jin doesn't have anything, but what if I become pregnant! Oh my goodness, what the hell am I going to do?!

Tails: Was the Plan B pill a thing?
Miyuki: The what?
Tails: *pulls up an article on his Miles Electric* Plan B. It can be taken within 72 hours after having unprotected sex. It's better if it's taken within 24 hours, though. It can't cause abortions or miscarriages. It's just an emergency birth control pill.
Akiko: ...huh. Guess those hormones really got in the way of her thinking, then.
Tomoko: Thinking isn't her strong suit, Miyadama.

I left and went to Julia's house. I am so stupid. Damn you hormones!!!

Akiko: *as she eats another spoonful of ice cream* Called it.

Jin, why do you have to be so fine and sincere. I hate when I act simple.

Tails: You act simple every day. How is this shocking news?

So I made it to Julia's house and as always she knew what was up. " Oh God, who died," she asked. " This isn't a joke. Me and Jin did the nasty. We did it with no...protection," I said sadly. I told her I'll take a pregnancy test in three days. You know, give it time to...you know...do what it does.

Tomoko: Big deal. You whiz on a stick and you get the results. It's not that scary.

I didn't tell Jin. I wanted to wait for the facts.

Miyuki: Well, don't watch Fox News for three days, then. Facts are a myth there.

I didn't want to tell my Mom. She wouldn't totally freak out, but she would be a little upset. I just wanted to hug my teddy bear. I felt like some helpless little girl.

Akiko: Because that's what we needed comparisons to! Sex and little girls! *shudders*
Tomoko: Did we stop at a nearby Subway?
Tails, Miyuki: *gasps*
Tomoko: What?

It wasn't Jin's fault I pressured him.

Tails: I'm surprised. They usually play the "Never My Fault" card.

Damn hormones! " My mom's 'company' should be gone," I said with a slight grin. Julia laughed. We said our bye byes and I headed home. I didn't know what was going to happen when I walked in the house.

Well I walked in the house and my said," Come here," in that authoritative tone.

Miyuki: Your what? Your television, your kitchen table, what?!

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. " You and Jin had sex," she added. I scratched my head and said, " Yes." She paced around. I watched. Would she just say something. Then all of sudden she ran up to me and hugged and said," Oh my baby is growing up." I wish she would let go.

Akiko: Sex equals being mature? What's next, she gets invited to a keg party if she's not pregnant?
Tomoko: Can she let her go over a cliff?
Tails: How ironic; Heihachi did that to Kazuya when the latter was younger.
Tomoko: Oh? Yeah, I'm up for that.
Tails: Um... that's how Kazuya became the devil, though.
Tomoko: Yeah, let's not have history repeat, Prower. I don't want a dumbass to be the devil.

I told her about the whole pregnant thing. She took it pretty easy. She asked if I told Jin yet. Well no I didn't. You how guys can get when they here the words " you're a daddy."

Tails: Yeah, we know. We've all seen Maury Povich's show.
Miyuki: No, but seriously. I don't know why she thinks that all guys want to die when they're told that they're going to have a kid. Trust me, a good chunk of 'em can take the news.

Jin as a father, ha! Me as a mother, blah.

Akiko: A Williams and someone of the Mishima bloodline? Yeah, that's not going to end well.

Well the next three days are going to be hell. I waited. I didn't talk to Jin. He called but I just didn't want to talk. He even knocked on the door a few times. My Mom told him I wasn't feeling well, which is true. I felt awful. Three days finally passed and I went to see my doctor. I didn't go to the drug store and bought one of those cheap piss on me test.

Tomoko: *sarcastically* Thanks for that info. Really needed to hear that.
Miyuki: I dunno, you kinda say that.
Tomoko: Not like that.

At the doctor's office I ran into Jin. How did he know I was here. Momma!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tails: With that maturity level, she should never, ever have a child.

Damn her! " Renata wait up," he yelled half way across the damn room. That boy can be so dumb sometimes. I love him, but God knows I kill him sometimes.

Akiko: How can he be dumb if he was sent by Nina?
Tails: ...and there goes her intelligence level. Please say that she's not pregnant, fic. It will be the best news that I'll get all day.

" Look Jin...," I said. He cut me off and said," Let's do this together, okay." He hugged me and I went to take this damn baby test. Yeah, that's right, the baby test.

Tomoko: *sighs, knocks a dunce cap off of her head*

We only had to wait a few minutes for the results.

" Well...Renata...you are not pregnant," my doc said.

Tails, Akiko, Miyuki: *jumps out of their seats* Yes! Thank you!
Akiko: Ice cream for everyone!

I thank the Lord. I jumped on Jin and squeezed him so tight. He gave me some them sweet kisses of his. Outside was my Mom, Jun, and Kazuya. Kazuya...gave me...the eye. The eye I talked about earlier. I got chills all up and down my spine. I think Jin saw it. The eye.

Akiko: I think that Kazuya needs some Visine, now that I think about it. How long has that eye been red?
Miyuki: A pretty long time, Akiko.

He looked at me and then at Kazuya. Jin kissed me. Kazuya looks so mean. That dude stay mean. Wait a minute. Kazuya only looks mean when I'm with Jin. I think Jun sensed all the emotion in the room. My Mom is just clueless. So stupid!

Tomoko: No, your mom only has one emotion... wondering how she gave birth to you.

Let's address Kazuya for sec.

Tails: You've been addressing him for a while. Why should I care now?

This dude is really hard to figure out. He all smiles around me. Put Jin the picture, this dude gets pretty pissed.

Tomoko: *breaks the table with her chain whip*
Tails, Miyuki: Uh...
Tomoko: I said that I'd break something if he had a thing for Miss Moron, didn't I?
Tails, Akiko, Miyuki: *nods*
Tomoko: Yeah. I keep my promises, you know.
Akiko: Oh, trust me, I know. *eats more ice cream*

It's either I make everyone happy or Kazuya is feeling me. Catch my drift.

Miyuki: Yeah, where's the part where I can drift out of here?
Akiko: It's almost over, Mi-chan. Don't worry.

Jin hold me your dad is freaking me out. This is one those teddy bear moments. Somebody hold me. Kazuya walked over, hugged me and said," I heard the news. The next time you kids be careful." I don't if there'll be a next time.

Tails: Have you considered tying your tubes or getting him a vasectomy if you're too lazy to use birth control? I don't know, just... anything's better than doing nothing. Besides, nobody wants to see this nonsensical "pregnant or not" scenario again.

Jin is...let's just say he's...very passionate in bed, okay. I'm still recovering. That boy is something.

Akiko: ...after three days? I thought that you needed a good night's rest and some Gatorade to recover.
Miyuki: Maybe he did go all Devil Gene on her.
Akiko: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.

I had a pretty good first.

Miyuki: That's some Mary Sue nonsense right there. First sex is the best sex ever? Give me a break!

Kazuya gave me a long ass hug. Okay he can let go now. I think my face is turning blue.

Tomoko: Keep going, Kazuya. Almost there... oh, look. She suffocated. I don't feel like reviving her, either.
Tails: Um... can I?
Tomoko: Why? So she can keep going on like that?
Tails: ...yeah, good point.
Akiko: Man, this fic was lame! Where were the punches and laser eyes?
Miyuki: On layaway.
Akiko: Then I want a refund!
Miyuki: ...this fic was free.
Akiko: Aww, man!

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