Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Crazy Train Episode 8: legolas/legolas by laura

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Warning: This fic has rape. It is not in explicit detail, but it's squicky when you find out how old the main character is.

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Legolas was riding along the woods and one day he found a baby whaped in colth

Mai: "Whaped" in "colth"? Okay... who took this from the Black Crow?
Axl: *nervously raises his hand*
Mai: We need to stop taking things from Sonic and Kyo. I thought that we were the group that didn't riff on garbage fics.

so he got off his horse and went to the baby and then Legolas said"who left you here little one"and then the baby just cryed and then Legolas pick her up and hold her and then the baby stoped crying and then Legolas said"your name is going be Laura"

Rory: In Middle Earth?
Axl: Well, according to one account, "Laure" is Noldorin for "golden".
James: It's probably unintentional.

and then Legolas and the baby went onto the horse and went back to the castle where he said"father mother I found this little baby in the woods and then Legolas mother got up and walked down and said"how can people put baby in the woodsand to die".

James: We've finally found our first period. And that took... *begins to count* ...screw it. Too many fuckin' words.

Then Legolas father said"we are going to keep her"and then Legolas was happy for someriseing.

Rory: Something?
Axl: I think it's supposed to be "some reason". *rubs his forehead* No wonder Kyo wanted to get rid of this crap.

10 Years Later

Mai: We're going to be running around with a ten year old Mary Sue.

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".

Rory: Now his name is "too"?

Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".

James: Fucking thrilling stuff, mate.

Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".

James: If she ends up being his love interest, I'm gonna lose my shit.
Rory: Yeah, that definitely won't be squicky at all.

Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

Mai: *as the Orc* Coffee from the nearest coffee shop? I'll get that for you, sir.
Axl: *as the Dark Lord* Yes, you can.

Mean while Legolas and Laura was horseriding and then Laura said"Legolas whos that"and then Legolas looked and it was Gandalf and said"that is Gandalf and Strdier"and then Strider said"Legolas"and then Legolas said"Strider long time seen" and then Strider said"hows you"and then Legolas said"I am fine"and then Gandalf said"whos this then"and then

Rory: What the heck is happening here?!
James: Sonic wrote this, didn't he?
Mai: No. Sonia would've shot it into the Sun.

Legolas said"meet Laura I found her in the woods when she was just a baby".Laura was shy at first and then Legolas said"Laura come and meet Strider and Gandalf"and then Laura said"hello I am Laura".Legolas said"she is the princess"

Axl: Of what?
James: Mary Sue Land.
Rory: Too many of those.

and then Strider said"she is so cute"and then Legolas said"that will be my falut"and then Gandalf said"why"and then Laura said"he protects me thats why"and then Legolas looked up and said"I think we should go back to the castle"and then Laura said"I can feel it too".

Mai: ...what is this holy garbage?

Legolas said"do you want to stay for a night"and then Gandalf and Strider said"yes please"and then they had tea and went to the night Legolas ask the gards to keep an eye on Laura's while the Orcs climed up the window and grabed Laura and then Laura woke up and screamed and then the gard went into her room and saw lots of Orcs and then Legolas ran down the Legolas said"where is Laura"and then the gards said"the Orcs took her".

Rory: So... we're not gonna chase after them, or fight them, or... what? *facepalms* Whoo, this is a mess and a half.
James: And those "gards" are useless. Were they in on her kidnapping or something?

Mean while the Orcs was back at Mondor and then Laura said"put me down"and then the Orcs did and then the Dark lord came out of the fire and said"welcome Laura"and then Laura looked at him and said"no it can't be"and then she tryed to run away but the Orcs got the Dark lord said"put her into the cell and bet her

Axl: Ah, so she's a poker chip.
Mai: Wait, if she's acting like that, then there has to be a backstory with him or something.
James: And because it's this fic, we're not gettin' it.

and also do what ever you want with her but do not kill her".Then the Orcs took her to the cell and trow her into the cell and then they shut the go up and went to the window and looked out and she was wishing that Legolas or someone will save while back at the castle of Milkwood

Rory: Pretty sure that's called somethin' else.
Axl: Yeah. It's Mirkwood. Trust me, the Protectors of the Plot Continuum got to this long before we did.

Legolas was getting the army ready to go and save while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her

All: What the heck?!
James: Fuckin' hell! You don't just insert rape into a story like that! It just makes your crap look tacky and cheap!
Mai: ...the whole fic's already tacky and cheap. It's mind numbing nonsense that's littered with run-on sentences.
Axl: And then, and then, and then...
Rory: And then I lost it.

and then Laura said"go away you bastard".

Mai: Yes, because rapists immediately stop their heinous actions upon request. This is ridiculous.
Axl: Almost reminds me of a certain scene where a certain rape victim got her clothes back.

Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.

Axl, Rory: Uh-oh.
James: What's with you two?
Rory: Um... Benimaru got mad about that when we riffed "Outcast Saga". There was poison in Benji's body for about a month.
Axl: Try three months, Rory.
Rory: ...oh. That's even dumber, huh?
Axl: Exceedingly dumb.

Few hours later

Legolas and the others was on the way to Mondor

Axl: It's supposed to be Mordor, and it's not even close to Mirkwood.

to save princess while in the cell where Laura was been kept Laura woke up and she looked on her body there was blood and scars she only could move her right arm but not her Laura said"I feel so cold"

Mai: That's some slow acting poison. I guess she did get the poison that Benji got.

and then she can't see very the frount gates of Mondor was Legolas and the others and then they said"let Laura go"and then the Dark lord said"no"and then

Rory: ...they said "screw it" and went to Burger King.

Legolas said"right lisson

James: Is he drunk? *slurring his words* Alright, yeah, lisson, mate...

I'll will clim up to the cell and get Laura and you and the others will find another way Strider said"alright" and then Legolas started to clim while Strider and the others ran into Mondor and went into the said"I'll will go and kill the Dark lord and you and the others go and help Legolas".Strdier said"becareful"and then Gandalf said"I will don't you worry about me".

Axl: I'm worried. I'm super worried.

Mean while Legolas got to the cell where Laura said"Laura are you in there"and then Laura said"Oh Legolas you finally came"

James: Oh, he came, alright.
Mai: No.

and then Legolas said"are you alright"and then Laura said"no I am not alright"and then Legolas said"they bet you up and raped you also the Dark lord gave you the posion"

Axl: I don't think that she needed to relive that. Also, how the hell do you know that?

and then Laura said"how did you know that".

Axl: *gestures to the screen* See? If she is in the same boat as I am, we have a real problem here.

Then Legolas said"when I was your age they did the samething to me".

All: *flatly* What.
Rory: How are you still alive, dude?
Mai: Maybe it wasn't poison at all. Perhaps they had plain old water injected into their veins.

Then Laura said"can you get me out of here"and then Legolas said"ok stand back"and then he ran back and ran towards the door and knock it down.

James: No, don't use keys or magic or whatever. You just have to knock the cell bars down like you're an American footballer.

Laura said"wow"and then Legolas looked and saw she was coved in Blood and scars also she was naked"and then Legolas said"why they did it to you not me"and then the Orcs came and said"because she got a power and she can distoy us all the bad guys".

All: What?!
Axl: This is the most ham-fisted Mary Sue I've ever seen. Hey, you idiots! Why didn't you just kill her?! You had her at your mercy for the entire time, and you didn't just chop her head off or anything? You had to draw all of this crap out?
Mai: Good is boring, and evil is dumb.

Then the fright began

Rory: Pretty sure that we were frightened long before this thing happened.

Legolas got out his bow and arrows andstarted fireing at Legolas saw some swords and said"Strider is that you"and then Strider said"yes it is"and then Legolas and the others started to kill the while Gandalf is have a fun time trying to distory the Dark said"I wish Frodo and Merry and Pippen and Sam was here"

James: You don't want them in this fuckin' thing.
Axl: More like the Suethor didn't want them in this fuckin' thing.
Mai: What's happening with these sentences? This fic is literally eating itself!
Rory: This was written on the worst glitched computer ever.
Axl: And why is Gandalf having fun with this?
Rory: Beats the heck outta me, Ax.

and then a sword came out of nowhere

Rory: Hey, just like this plot!

and said"some wished us here"and then Gandalf turned and said"Frodo baggins why you doing here".

Mai: Plot said that he had to show up.

Then Frodo said"we came to help you and also we got rid of the ring"

James: But that important plot point wasn't important.
Mai: Who cares, the Sue's more important.

and then the Dark Lord said"oh no"and then the magical powers from Gandalf distoryed the Dark lord.

James: That's got to be the worst way to go out. Just imitate Knuckles the Echidna as you get blown up.

Mean while Legolas and Strider and the others was helping Laura down and Strider took off his cape and put it around Laura.

Axl: It took them this long to get clothes for a ten year old?
Rory: Yep, it looks like I need to have a nice scrub with some Comet and a Brillo Pad later.

FEW HOURS LATER

Legolas and the others are on the way back to the said"we must go to Rivendell to get Laura better".

Axl: ...that's a long trek. If she's still alive then, I'll be super surprised.
Rory: Hey, she has a power that can "distory" everyone. She's gonna make it.

Then Gandalf said"I think you are right"and then they turned around and went to looked down on Laura and put his hand onto Laura's head and she was bruning went aside of Legolas horse and looked and said"she is getting wose"and then Legolas said"I know".

Mai: Oh, now it takes effect. How long did it take? Ten months?

FEW HOURS LATER

They were at Rivendell

Axl: I quit.

and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips

All: Um...
Axl: Yep. I quit. *pops open a bottle of Bleepka, begins drinking*

and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"

Mai: Uh, how was she cured of her ailment?
James: *waves his hands around* Offscreen magic, Mai.

and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"

James: She's fuckin' ten years old! What the fuck is this?!
Rory: She gets raped, beaten, poisoned, left naked, and after she's saved... goes into a relationship with her adoptive brother. At ten years old. *pours Comet on top of his head* Mmm-hmm. Yep. Mmm-hmm.
Mai: Rory, save some of that.

and then Laura and Legolas kissed said"what happened to me Legolas"and then Legolas said

Axl: *as Legolas* You hit your head and lost your memory, huh?

"you got kidnaped by the Orcs and they raped you and also bet you almost to death and then the Dark lord gave you some posion"

Rory: "Posion"? Well, it's not poison, so she's gonna live.
James: Misdiagnosed by a misspelling.

and then Laura said"why I can only move on arm"and then Legolas said"your left arm is broken".

Mai: Oh. Now you tell her. On the other hand, why didn't she put two and two together then?
James: Because.

Then the door opened and it was Strider and then Laura said"Hello Strider"and then Strider said"I see you are awake"and then Laura

Axl: Um, where's the rest of that sentence?
Mai: It doesn't exist. The fic ends there.
Rory: Are you serious?
Mai: I'm dead serious. It really ends there.
Axl: I just... huh?
James: It was the fic that just decided to say, "Fuck this noise, I'm out!"
Axl: I... yeah. So, who wants lunch?
Mai, James, Rory: *raises their hands*
Axl: Someone call Miyu. At least she won't have our food poisoned by Orcs.

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