Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Crazy Train, Episode 4: Purely Stupid (Part Two)

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Note: This riffing contains two articles that were written by Alexandra Adornetto, the author of the "Halo" series:

-Why teenage boys suck more than vampires
-Guard your virginity. Once lost, it's, it's gone forever

This part contains the riffing of "Guard your virginity. Once lost, it's, it's gone forever". And yes, that is the actual title, typos and all.

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There's no shame in saving your virginity for someone worthy.

Jessie: Unless you're a woman who willingly wants to give your virginity away, then you're just a horrible whore. Come on, we all know where this is going to go.

Virginity is a hot topic at the moment, prompted by comments from the Leader of the Opposition.

Rory: Who?
Mai: I'm on it... *looks it up* Oh. It's Tony Abbott. Well, he was Leader of the Opposition in 2010.
Rory: Oh.
Mai: ...I hear that he's pretty misogynistic.
Rory: ...oh.

He may have copped a lot of flak but Tony Abbott's advice makes a lot of sense and there's nothing alarming in it. Besides, being a parent gives him a right to express his views publicly.

James: I don't know if I should laugh, facepalm, or hit her for that smugly stupid comment.
Jessie: Do all three.

I am not embarrassed to admit that my ''gift'' remains unwrapped - at least for the time being.

Axl: Well, it's your body. Just don't lord it over everyone that it's the "right" choice. Everyone's diff... oh, right... we're still riffing on this idiot who doesn't know people or doesn't go outside.

Losing your virginity or ''V-plates'' (as some of us like to call it) has always been a preoccupation of adolescents.

Mai: Not mine.
Axl: Not mine.
Rory: *while reading some blueprints* Or mine. Besides, I gotta meet Cassy at the skate park later. Gotta figure out how I can update Light Soul and Cross for the next competition.
Mai: Huh?
Rory: Light Soul's my board, and Cross is the name of Cassy's skates.
Mai: Oh.

Where to do it? When to do it? Who to do it with? Parents advise us to put it off, young men argue that right now would be the best time and some religions insist we must wait until marriage.

James: Excuse me, I'm not arguing for aything. I don't actually care.
Mai: James, don't. Remember, she loves sorting us into boxes.

We teens tend to use the word sex as a verb. After a date or hooking up at a party, friends are likely to ask: ''Did you sex him?''

Jessie: I like to add the word "up" to that sentence. Besides, I did enjoy sexing someone up.
James: You always do.

While each person should decide for themselves, my recommendation would be to wait.

Axl: Yeah, here comes the lecture, young ladies. Brace yourselves.
Rory: Uh, what about the guys?
Axl: Nope, guys aren't supposed to care if they're used. *sarcastically* We don't have feelings and emotions.

Wait for the right moment, the right person and the right situation. Becoming sexually active is not to be entered into lightly. I have seen too many girls damaged by a decision that was not carefully considered.

Jessie: That's true, but... you left out the guys.
James: *sarcastically* Nah, we can stick it anywhere we please. You ladies must be pure.

The results are usually confusion, loss of self-esteem and a cynical view of relationships.

Mai: I'm cynical in general.
Rory: Yeah, that's pretty obvious.

My problem with casual, random sex is that while it might be physically pleasurable, it cannot possibly be meaningful or allow for personal growth.

Jessie: Bite my camo covered ass.
Axl: Oh, now we're slut shaming, author? *sarcastically claps* Beautiful!

Perhaps Tony Abbott simply understands that sex is a personal act that renders both parties entirely vulnerable.

James: Please, you're mentioning him talking about both parties, but you're specifically going after the ladies. Can't have it both ways.

Your first time should be an experience you remember your whole life, not something performed in a drunken stupor on someone's nature strip after a big night (yes, this has happened to people I know). This reduces the experience to something cheap and exposes the girl to harsh censure. Teenagers are incredibly judgmental, despite their eagerness to try new experiences.

Axl: I'm sorry if I have to bring this up, but... what if a girl gets raped and loses her virginity?
Mai: Knowing this judgmental idiot's "logic", it'll probably be the girl's fault because she was breathing or some other disjointed nonsense.

I believe a girl needs to be emotionally and psychologically ready and secure in the knowledge that the boy doesn't see her as a mere conquest. I'm not saying she needs a ring on her finger, but knowing that the guy is going to stick around the next day should be a key determinant.

James: Didn't she just slut shame five sentences ago or something? Does she even know what she's writing anymore?
Jessie, Mai, Axl, Rory: No.

Virginity is not highly valued among teenage boys,

Axl: Bite my furry tail, you idiot!
Rory: Man. She really thinks that we're all constantly horny, huh?
Axl: Unfortunately.

so many girls feel the need to rid themselves of it in order to move on to more rewarding sexual experiences. But those experiences are not possible without someone who genuinely cares about your wellbeing.

Jessie: *sarcastically* Because Edward Cullen truly cares about your wellbeing.

Listening to teenage boys ridiculing girls they perceive to be ''easy'' leaves me feeling perturbed.

James: But let's not speak up for the girls that were used. That's too much effort.

I imagine that the girls have invested emotionally while the boys seem able to detach emotion from sex.

Mai: There she goes, lumping everyone into boxes again...
Rory: I have this urge to whack her with my board.
Jessie: Rory, don't! That poor board can't take the pain!

Some graphically relate their sexual exploits and invent nicknames (''slutty-mc-slut-slut'' and ''parachute vagina'' are two I've heard). And girls are just as prone to judging each other.

Mai: *while reading "Halo"* Mmm. For someone who's saying that, she sure does a lot of soapboxing and shaming in her books, too. What a hypocrite.
Axl: *as Adornetto* It's only okay if I'm the one who's judging you!

Let me assure you that the need for a good reputation is still alive and well in leafy, middle-class Melbourne.

James: Or in Imaginary Land, but let's not get into her pure head.

I was recently at a bar with two close male friends. One of them, a very pretty and upstanding school captain, was virtually assaulted by two scantily clad, intoxicated girls who wasted no time in propositioning him for sex. Rather than being excited by the prospect, he found their advances both off-putting and embarrassing. It is disappointing that many girls are willing to trade self-respect for the privilege of changing their Facebook status to ''in a relationship''.

Jessie: I thought that all guys wanted sex! Why's she switching stances like that?
Axl: Because they're her friends, and only her friends are "unique". Not like those peons that she calls "other people".
Jessie: Does "Outside" have a grading system, Axl?
Axl: I don't know. If there is one, she's getting an easy F.

In an age where sex is used to sell everything from breakfast cereal to furniture,

Rory: Uh, I don't know what planet you're from, but I've never seen any sexy cereal commercials. And I should know that because I'm a TV junkie.
James: I wouldn't be surprised if there was one, actually. I haven't watched TV much.

it has become easy to confuse sex with a true connection that is mutual and based on trust, respect and acceptance.

Jessie: Rememer, this article was written by a "Twilight" fan.
Mai: It also sounds like something that those idiot "50 Shades" fans would say.
James: Not really, Mai; they think that sex is love. Also, if you're a smoking hot and rich guy, you can get away with stalking, blackmail, abuse, and rape.
Mai: Can I throw them into a black hole?
James: Sure you can. I won't miss them.

Preserving one's virginity for the right person may not be a popular view but there's a lot to be said for it. Given that threesomes and even group sex are not that uncommon among my peers, it wouldn't hurt to revisit some traditional values.

Rory: So start wearing those chastity belts, people!
James: God, she sounds like a bloody pearl clutcher. *as Adornetto* Oh, no! People are discovering sex! The horror!

While it is vital for girls to feel empowered and independent, this does not mean behaving in ways that compromise dignity and self-respect.

Axl: Which means that you shouldn't have sex at all, ladies! Even if you're using protection! As a matter of fact, all of you should become nuns right now!

It is unfortunate that even in our enlightened society, double standards persist. A boy can have as much sex as he likes and this makes him ''experienced'' or ''skilled'', but a girl is never spoken of favourably.

Mai: *facepalms* You just shamed women for enjoying sex how many sentences ago? I thought that you were against women having sex of any kind before marriage!
James: She's wiggling more than a wet noodle, Mai.

Some people are too concerned about being politically correct to admit that girls still need to be aware of their reputation.

James: No, you're just a shaming, soapboxy twit who's talking out of her arse. There's a difference.
Jessie: I mean, seriously? Not slut shaming girls and women is "political correctness"? Is that what these holier than thou assholes like this so-called writer are calling it now? For all the talk about "double standards", she's doing a good job of falling into that same trap. Seriously, she needs to get her inflated head out of her lopsided little ass.
Rory: *chokes*
Axl: *waves his hands around* Gotta be more nice, Jess. Her poor heart can't take the insults!
Jessie: Fuck that. And fuck her goddamn word diarrhea.
Rory: *cracks up*
Axl: So mean.
James: So good.
Mai: No wonder we brought her for this ride.

Perhaps it's time for school sex-ed programs to be about more than how to put on a condom. Actions have repercussions and teenagers need to be aware of this.

Axl: But mostly women. Guys, go ahead and sleep around and put notches on your bedposts and crap like that. Got an STD? Who cares, it'll be her fault for not having enough dignity and purity.
Rory: I know you were being sarcastic, Ax, but... holy crap.

Teenagers have a natural curiosity and are keen to clock up experiences.

Mai: I thought that children were more curious. Maybe that's just me.

What they need to be wary of is that some experiences may erode their sense of self and lead to a fragmentation of morals.

Jessie: Oh, so now it's "they"?
Axl: Yeah, but "they" basically means "girls" in this context.

Tony Abbott was doing his paternal duty in wanting his daughters to feel respected and secure rather than used and abused.

Jessie: *mutters* Oh, fuck off.
James: Heh.

I can only applaud and, in keeping with his advice, my search for Mr Worthy continues.

James: Your "Mr. Worthy" is basically an abusive idiot. I'm sorry, but I just can't take you or your nonsensical blathering seriously.
Mai: You never did.
James: Hell, neither did you.

Alexandra Adornetto, 17, is a Melbourne author.

Jessie: Proof that we're still lowering the bar on published books. You have this "Halo" crap from her, "Twilight"...
Mai: 50 Shades of Brown...
Rory: What about "The Host"?
Axl: Nobody read that crap, Rory.
James: I did. Pirated it. I just want to be paid for reading that crap now.
Axl: Eh? Why?
James: 'Cause it's just "Twilight"... without the stupid misanthropic vampires.
Mai: And what took their place?
James: Stupid misanthropic aliens.
Jessie: *snickers*

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