Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Neo Esaka, Episode 4: KOF-XXX (Part Three)

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Warning: This fic still contains the following:

-Minor/underage sex (the Gary Stu in the scenes is 14)
-Bad sex scenes that make no sense
--With rape undertones
--Massive failures in biology in general
-Misogyny (ranging from unintentional to outright blatant)

No, seriously... how are you still here, reader? Well, at least this is the last part.

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------------------------------ Stage 5: A wired rivalry -------------------------------

---- There's a 3 some in this!! ----

Kyo: Normally, I'd be saying "Duh!" to this, but... looks like I can't.

Name of girls: Kasumi Todoh / Yuri Sakazaki
Age: 21 (both of them)

Emi: Yuri's 20. Miss Todoh is actually 16.
Keiko: Research is for losers, big sister.

Messurments: Kasumi: Bust-89 Waist-60 Hips-88
Yuri: Bust-90 Waist-62 Hips-90
Favorite kind of sex: Comfortable Blankets

Defenition: Comfortable Blankets = Use of Kimonos and Futons

Benimaru: *facepalms* Kimonos and futons aren't blankets. That... why...?
Sonia: I gave up on this fic a long time ago.
Benimaru: I think we all did, Sonia.

The night with Athena was the best night ever. Thanks to that, I got my confidence back.
We slept in until 8:00pm.

Kyo: Wait, when did they go to bed? I missed that.
Sonia: You did, and they went to bed at 5:30 in the morning.
Kyo: Holy crap, he pissed a whole day away, didn't he?
Sonia: Yes, he did.

But who cares. I love her.

Keiko: We know. You wouldn't shut up about it during the last part.
Emi: *sarcastically* Yes, he definitely won't choose Athena in the end.

Until the last day of my job comes, I have
to push forward.

Benimaru: This is a job?
Kyo: Yeah, we call that "prostitution", Beni.
Benimaru: You remember... that we're riffing on a 14 year old Gary Stu?
Kyo: *goes pale* Ah... shit. Ugh. I'm just going to scrub with a Brillo Pad now.

I was walking not paying attention,

Emi: ...like how the sex scenes in this fic were written?

and came across a srine. There's Chizuru
in a srine outfit sweeping the stairs.

Akira: I never knew a place like this existed.

All: *stares at the screen*
Keiko: Details. Yeah, we don't need those.

Chizuru: This is my temple. We watch over the Orochi power here.

Benimaru: In Southtown?!
Kyo: Yeah... Stuthor forgot those details real quick.

If you go
downtown, you'll find an interresting show between the last 2 targets.

Kyo: *scoffs* Seeing the flirt and her buddy spar will be a lot more interesting than this.

Akira: It looks like this is almost over. And I only got 2 days before the the
desision is made.
Chizuru: Your not doing anything that second day are you?
Akira: What's the matter? You've been acting weird since I hugged you that day.
Chizuru: I figured I'd speak to you about that hug. That's why I asked.
Akira: Wait til tomorow then.

Benimaru: You know, a lady doesn't like to be kept waiting. Trust me, you'd be better off speaking to her now.

I went to the shopping district. There's Yuri and Kasumi fighting over me.

All: *stares at a wank puddle*
Sonia: Um...
Kyo: *points at the puddle* What is that?
Emi: *sighs as she mops the puddle up* A... wank puddle, Master Kyo. They just arrive when the Sue or Stu gets a bit "full of crap", as you'd say.
Sonia: I've never heard of those before. But sure; he has to brainwash them to the point where all they can do is think about his idiotic self.

There locking
arms.

Yuri: How would you know! Akira likes curves!
Kasumi: You simpleton! Akira likes it when a girl has a blanket fetish!

Benimaru: Know who the Stu likes? Neither of you.
Keiko: Know what I'd like? This fic to end.

Yuri: We'll see about that! Hao..!
Kasumi: Sho...!

Shit! There doing there Super moves! I better step in!

Emi: So... if he steps in the middle and he gets blasted by their techniques, what should we do?
Sonia: Applaud.

Akira: All Right! All Right! That's enough you 2!

They wew shocked about the fact that I almost got blasted, and sliced.

Kyo: Actually, I was disappointed that you were still in one piece.

Akira: There's one way to resolve this. Be at my dorm room in 3 hours.

Damn it! And I thought my mom's book club took forever.

Emi: My neck hurts...
Sonia: Kind of ironic that you're bashing book clubs when you wrote this error filled and self-indulgent wankfest...
Benimaru: You told them to come in three hours. So why are you whining?
Kyo: Looks like masturbation doesn't exist in Gary Stu Land, Beni.
Benimaru: Masturbation and refraction periods, actually. And what the heck happened? Where are we?
Keiko: Who cares? I just want this to end.

within 3 hours, the phone rang.

All: Ow, my neck!
Emi: *as she rubs her neck* Wonderful. Of course they could never be late.

Akira: Hello?
Yuri: Akira? Can you come to the temple?

Just when I was about to ask, she hung up. I went to the temple.

Keiko: *flatly* What action. What detail.
Sonia: Give this guy a Pulitzer!

There's a note.

"Wait for us inside the bedroom. The one with the 2 candles.
--- Yuri and Kasumi "

Sonia: So... he's going to a Japanese temple... which is in an American city... and they're going to have sex... that would possibly desecrate it. Sure. Okay.

I'm in the bedroom. I was about to take a nap. But they arived.

Kyo: This sounds like a crappy live news report.
Emi: So... an average day at Fox News, then?
Manic: *plays a rimshot*
Emi: Thank you, Mr. Manic.
Manic: No problem!
Benimaru: Hey, why didn't he take a nap at his place? He waited for three hours! He could've taken a nap then!
Sonia: Because... what's logic?

Kasumi's wearing an
orange kimono with flower desings. Yuri's wearing a purple kimono. They laid me on the
futon. Yuri is rubbing my cock. And Kasumi is putting my hand on her wet pussy.
Yuri takes out my cock, and sucks it. At the same time, Kasumi puts her pussy on
my mouth. I began eating her box. She gives out a nice moan. Yuri is rapidly bobbing her
head.

Keiko: At least this is a refreshing change of pace for once. We have a bland sex scene instead of a disgusting one.

Kasumi: Hey, save some for me!
Yuri: Okay, let's swith.

This time, Yuri is on my face. Insted of Kasumi's mouth, it's her pussy that my cock is
in. Yuri's pussy taste like grapes (I guess that explains the purple. Unfortunatly, Kasumi's
pussy dosen't have a flavor).

Kyo: Fortunately for Kasumi, she realized that she wasn't a damn fruit with limbs.
Benimaru: Since when did ladies taste like strawberries and grapes?
Kyo: Closest thing I can think of is edible underwear.
Benimaru: Oh, yeah... *laughs to himself*
Kyo: Beni... seriously. What did you do with the flirt, anyway?
Benimaru: That is between her and me.

Kasumi is moving her waist around to keep me hard. Yuri is
pushing her box close to my mouth.

Yuri: His mouth is so good! Keep going! Ahh!
Kasumi: So good! So deep! I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum!

Kasumi really can't handle me. She already came. Oh well, I hope Yuri can do a better
job.

Sonia: Because it's never about the woman's pleasure.
Kyo: *sarcastically* Women enjoying sex? Nonsense! They're just sex objects, Sonia! That stuff about them having orgasms? A myth! *normal voice* And I've just disgusted myself again. Great.

I inserted my self in Yuri from behind. She's already enjoying it.

Benimaru: Sure that they're just lying about their enjoyment?
Sonia: Or just lying dead?

Yuri: Ahh!! So big! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Akira: Come here Kasumi. I'll clean you.

Keiko: With red tempera paint.

Kasumi took off her kimono and got over my head. She back in the game. She holds my
head close to her pussy. As I was pounding Yuri from behind, Kasumi's box began to gush.
After 2 hours, I came inside Yuri from behind.

Kyo: *mocks the fic* After two hours, after two hours... *normal voice* Christ, this guy really, really, really needs to look at more than crappy porn.

Yuri: Ahh! AAAAHHHH!!!! (gasping...) That was great!

Emi: Little white lies, Yuri. Just go with the little white lies.

Akira: Come on Kasumi. I'll give you another shot.

As Yuri laid there exaushsted in sweat and cum. I got myself back inside Kasumi. She
feels like Athena. But it's not the same.

Keiko: Oh, shut up! Could you be any more obvious that you're going to pick Asamiya in the end?!
Sonia: Oh, "it's not the same" because she's just a useless sex object to him. *glares at the screen* I hate you, Christian Junior.

Kasumi: Ah! Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ahh! Ahh!

All: *bored* Uh-huh.

After another 2 hours, I lost it again. This time, it's inside Kasumi.

Benimaru: *removes his dunce cap* No, really?

Now, there both exaushted
in sweat and cum.

Kyo: *sarcastically* Really?! I thought that they were covered in chocolate sauce!

I kissed them both on the cheeks as I made my exit. They look like a couple
of newborns.

Keiko: *squicked* I think Hedgehog was right about that. That's just sick.
Emi: *hides her face behind a pillow, muffled* I'm going to vomit.
Benimaru: He... compared ladies... to babies.
Sonia: *leaves, carries in a tub full of bleach* All right, who wants to scrub the grossness off of themselves first?
Kyo: Uh... can I drink the bleach, Sonia?
Sonia: No, you may not, Kyo. That's what the Bleepka's for.

It was not under-appreciated. I left a thank you note for them.

Keiko: *coldly* Why didn't you just throw a couple of bucks on them while you were at it, considering that they're glorified hookers to you?

I finally arived at my dorm. My PS2 is back to black. All that's left is the decision. Oh yeah,
there's Chizuru's explination. I'll sleep on it for now.

Emi: *as she places the pillow behind her* Why does this person keep believing that we don't know who he's going to choose? It's like if he kept trying to convince us that two plus two equaled seventy!
Kyo: In this fic? That's probably accurate.

------------------------------ Final Stage: The choice ----------------------------

Well people, this is it. My last day in southtown. I await Chizuru's arival. It's been loads of fun.

Keiko: Fun for you. Not fun for the readers.

but I better put an end to this soon. Just then, Chizuru comes in.

Sonia: *as Chizuru* I'm terribly sorry, but Zero's already activated the cannon...

Chizuru: Akira. I'd like to thank you for taking care of the girls. They've been having men
problems since reciently.

Benimaru: Because we all know that Leona and Kasumi have romantic problems with men. Yeah, sure.
Sonia: *twitches*
Keiko: Uh-oh.
Sonia: *quietly places her hands on the table* He was "taking care of the girls"? More like treating them like mindless sex dolls for his amusement. *in a low voice* I... will... end him.
Emi: Uh... Miss Hedgehog?
Sonia: Yes?
Emi: Are you going to explode?
Sonia: It's not worth exploding over. It's just disgusting to me.

You have been very helpfull.

Kyo: Helpful in traumatizing us all, actually.

And thank you for the hugs.
Akira: You never been hugged before?
Chizuru: Not since my sister's death.

Emi: Because being around her teammates in the '97 tournament didn't cause her to be a bit more open and friendly! No, only a man could do something like that!
Sonia: *double facepalms* I hate this fic.

Well anyway, take this with you.

She hands me a remote with a red button on it.

Benimaru: Sounds like the button that makes Sonia explode.
Kyo: Really? *presses the button*
Sonia: What the-- *explodes*
Benimaru: *facepalms* Kyo... why'd you do that?
Kyo: *as he sweeps Sonia up* Because I wanted to see something exciting for a bit.
Sonia: *reforms, coughs* You know, the exploding does hurt sometimes.

Chizuru: Find the one that you want to be with. And give her that device. The red button will
transport the girl straight to your room in your hometown. However, The device won't
work until after the 2000 tournament. Any Questions?

Keiko: I have a question. Why do I want to gouge my eyes out with fish hooks?
Kyo: Because you've been reading this fic, Tsukino.

I want to take Athena with me. So I'll ask her.

All: No, really?!
Sonia: He should never, ever write cliffhangers of any kind.

Akira: Chizuru I've made my choice. Where's Athena Asamiya?
Chizuru: Wait here.

Chizuru steps out for a couple of minutes. Then, she comes back with Athena.

Athena: Akira, Am I really yours?

Kyo: And then her fanboys beat the crap out of him after they found out that he was the reason why she disappeared for an extended period of time. The End.
Sonia: I'd beat the crap out of him just out of sheer spite.
Keiko: Or just let Kensou do it.

She asks me with innocent hopefull eyes. Then I went ahead and got it out.

Benimaru: No, no, you put that thing back in your pants right now, you ogre!

Akira: It's like this. When we spent the night together, while we were having sex, you said
that you love me. That really got me warm inside.

Kyo: In more ways than one.
Manic: *plays a rimshot*
Kyo: Thanks, Broccoli.
Manic: Yep!

Especially cause of the fact that,
your my favorite KOF fighter. And so I decided, I want us to be together. What do you
say?

Emi: Normally, Athena would run off and possibly file a restraining order. But since this is a Stu fic...

Athena broke in tears. Then ran towards me with open arms. She's crying.

Benimaru: This guy really loves to hold our hands, huh?

Athena: (sobbing) Yes Akira. I love you. Thank you so much.

Now I explaned to her about the device that Chizuru gave us. Then I pushed the power swith on
my PS2 which sent me back to my hometown in Kyoto.

All: *cocks their heads to the side*
Sonia: Isn't that... ironically fitting.
Axl: *as he's walking by* They have panty vending machines. Don't forget that.
Sonia: Axl? What are you...
Axl: You forgot? The tutoring session's over. Just gonna have lunch with Miyu now.
Miyu: *as she's walking by, waves* Hello!
Sonia: *waves back* Hello.

Within 2 days, another white screen popped
up. Only this time,

Keiko: ...the girl from "The Ring" came out of the screen and killed him.

Athena came out of the screen with her '97 outfit.

Kyo: Well, Spikes called it!
Benimaru: We all called it.

As we hugged and kissed in the
blue sky,

Keiko: Wait, now they have helium in their systems?
Sonia: It looks almost like the "Puma Man" ending.
Emi: *sings* Now they're going to boff in the air...

She gives me a note from Chizuru.

"Hello Akira. Again, Thank you for everything you have done. I have allowed Athena to stay
with you as long as she wants instead of just one year.

Kyo: Which means that the Stu will never have to put effort into actual relationships with real women for the rest of his life!
Keiko: *deadpan* Yippee.

As long as she returns to attend the KOF
tournaments, it's all right with us. I hope we'll meet again.

Best wishes-
Chizuru Kagura"

Benimaru: *as Chizuru* Also, because she's in your universe... start using the condoms now. We don't want another unintentional bad pregnancy incident.
Emi: Doesn't that mean that he'll have to hide Athena from his parents...?
Sonia: No, he's probably living alone because... plot reasons.
Keiko: Which translates to hiding a woman in his home, possibly away from the general public.
Kyo: Yeah. Totally doesn't have creep vibes all over it. *rolls his eyes*

------------------------- The End ----------------------------

Copyright 2000 SNK

Kyo: You serious? Are you serious?! *laughs loudly* Oh, that's ridiculous!
Sonia: *sarcastically* Yeah, because SNK would definitely write this mess.
Benimaru: And if they did, they'd probably burn that mess in a bonfire.
Keiko: Burn the fic? Burn the computer.

Any comments, write to me at ---------@verizon.net

Kyo: *turns to the audience* To be fair, we hacked out that e-mail address because we have ethics for the most part. *turns back* Doesn't mean that I'm not gonna write a review. Lessee, dear... writer guy, this fic was a total piece of--
Emi: Um, Master Kyo. Considering that your writing actually... killed someone, maybe you should hold off on a review for now?
Kyo: Nope. If it kills the Stu, then I'm all for it.
Keiko: He killed me with his bad poetry once, so... fair is fair.
Kyo: Bite me, Tsukino.

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