Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Neo Esaka, Episode 3: Annie/Jack

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Warning: The only warning that this fiction has are related to sex scenes here. Specifically, there's a male/female and a male/male scene.

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She laughed when she came.

Benimaru: I call bull on that. Trust me, I know.
Kyo: Oh, we know. If only the ladies and I had the chance to soundproof our rooms before you spent the night with... Flirt.

He used to find it intimidating. What the hell was so funny? Was he doing something wrong?

Keiko: Did he put it in her pooper?
Emi: *raises an eyebrow*

Something ticklish, maybe? What? It took months before he confronted her with his insecurities and she laughed even more before explaining that sex was fun and silly and just play and he needed to lighten up, not take himself so seriously.

Kyo: Hope he didn't turn into Marlon Brando during the shooting of that "Superman" film.

He knew then that he would marry her.

Emi: He married her in a crappy wedding ceremony in Las Vegas. Elvis was the minister. Twelve hours later, they--
Kyo: Thank you, Emi.

Ten years and four kids later and there she was, face down on his chest giggling away, her black mane spread across his shoulders.

Keiko: Um... isn't bestiality illegal?
Benimaru: *snickers*

He caught his breath and slapped her ribs, thankful for the moment.

Benimaru: And then a rather wheezy "you're welcome" spilled out.

The children had all been surprises, all results of their insatiable drives. But they had stolen time from the two of them. Play time.

Kyo: Oh, yeah, blame the kids for your actions. Ever heard of a damn condom? Or birth control pills? Dumbasses.

So they were relegated to one weekend per month when the kids would go to her mother's house and they would have a 36-hour marathon of sex. A sex-athon.

Kyo, Benimaru: Impossible! Illogical! Fail! Fail!

It made him very happy.

Emi: And then four more kids were created as a result of their constant humping.
Keiko: Either that or a massive heart attack between the two of them.

She sat upright atop him, her midnight hair wrapping her big smile and draping her cupcake tits.

All: *staring at a plate of cupcakes that Emi baked earlier* Ugh.
Keiko: And does she have a goatee or something?
Benimaru: Agh, he's sleeping with the Bearded Lady!
Kyo: *grabs an electric razor* Shave it off! Shave it off!

She said that she'd been thinking about something

Kyo, Benimaru: That's a first.

and he brought his hand to his forehead. She grimaced and pointed at him. He teased her about all the new ideas, games and toys she brought to their weekend romps.

Kyo: Well, constructing a mock guillotine that was designed for my penis didn't help, either.
Emi: Master Kyo...?
Kyo: Awkward dream, Emi.
Keiko: Either that or you took some heavy acid during a coma or something.

"Well, this one's different," she said.

"How could it be different?" he said. "Haven't we exhausted all of the possibilities by now?"

Benimaru: Not yet! *brings out a list* Have you balanced yourself on top of the Eiffel Tower while doing the deed with your lady?
Kyo: Beni... what the hell are you talking about?
Benimaru: You had a dream with a fake guillotine that was designed for your member. I don't think you have a right to challenge me on this, Kyo.

He pulled her down to him and touched her nose with his and asked her to just make love to him. Again and again, please.

Emi: Have you considered a sex robot? At least they don't tire out. Don't ask how I know.
Kyo: I blame Flirt.

She flashed her smile and played with his chest hair and told him that sounded good, but she already made the appointment.

"What appointment?" he said.

Keiko: Please don't tell me that it's one of those silly home doctor appointments where they make prostate exams sexy.
Kyo, Benimaru, Emi: *stares at Keiko*
Keiko: It's the Internet, and you all know that there's going to be a story revolving around that somewhere. I didn't write any of that stuff, so stop looking at me.

He watched her face turn impish before it drifted next to his, her breath heavy against his cheek and neck.

Kyo: Is her face coming apart?

Her lips reached his ears and he listened to the words she whispered.

Kyo: My god, it is!
Keiko: Now you're just losing it, Kusanagi.

He tried to jolt upward when her arms locked around his neck, holding him in place. He started to speak and her mouth met his, her tongue burying his protests in his throat. He let the tension bleed from his body and she pulled off of him. He caught her eyes.

Emi: So... she told him that she was born a man?
Benimaru: No more "Jerry Springer" for you, Emi.

"Are you-"

She kissed him again and he dropped his outstretched arms to his sides and waited for her to finish. Her lips twisted his. She lifted her face.

"Are you crazy, Annie?" he said.

Kyo: Yes... especially when you consider that lip twisting.

"What do you mean?" she said. "It's just fun."

"For who?"

Keiko: Her, herself, and she.

She nibbled his lips. "You know I've always wanted to try it."

Emi: Is this referring to another pregnancy? I think you already tried it four times.

"Are you for real?" he said. "It's weird. And possibly dangerous.

Benimaru: Oh, stop worrying. Tentacle monsters aren't that bad, really. At least that's what I've heard.
Keiko: I think we're going to need a prayer session after this.
Kyo: Either that or I'm gonna have to order four lobotomies.

Don't you think we should've talked about it first before you, you know, made the appointment."

Kyo: Possibly? Look, I may be allegedly stupid--
Benimaru, Emi, Keiko: Yeah. "Allegedly".
Kyo: Kiss my ass. Anyway, that's supposed to end in a question mark, right?
Emi: Yes, Master Kyo.
Kyo: Oh, good. I thought I was losing my head there.
Benimaru, Emi, Keiko: You already lost it.
Kyo: Oh, shove -- wait, I think you all are right on that one.

"We have talked about it."

"No, I mean really talked about it, like it was something you were actually considering."

Keiko: You're talking to a woman who is thinking with her crotch. Are you really expecting her to use her brain?

"I thought that's what we were doing," she said.

He creased his eyes.

Emi: Oh, oh! Sonia's going to reprimand you for those wrinkles, sir!

"Alright," she said. "I just wanted to surprise you, Jack. That's all. I thought you'd like it. I did it for you."

Kyo: Translation: She did it for her. They always do it for themselves. It's sort of like Valentine's Day.

She kissed his shoulder.

"Really? This was for me?"

"Well, OK, for both of us.

Benimaru: But still for her.

But I thought it might be fun and kind of sexy, you know? It's worth a try."

Emi: Will this "try" involve whips and chains of any sort?
Benimaru: You're starting to scare me.

He sighed and shook his head and tried to wrap his brain around the whole idea and noticed she was grinning at him.

Keiko: I envy that man's extremely flexible brain.

He asked if she loved doing this to him and she nodded furiously.

Kyo: And then her head popped off.

He pulled himself up so he was sitting against the headboard touching his chin with his fingertips. He started to ask what this meant for his sexuality when she crossed his lips with her finger and adjusted the clock on the night table.

"Almost time," she said, getting up.

"For what?" he said.

"The appointment."

All: *equips their own pairs of rubber gloves*
Kyo: So... who's going in?
Benimaru, Emi, Keiko: You first.
Kyo: Why me?
Benimaru, Emi, Keiko: Yagami.
Kyo: *narrows his eyes* I have this incredible urge to burn you all right now.

He started up and she stopped him with her palm telling him he was good right where he was.

Keiko: That's one freaky palm.

He held his head and watched her pull on her panties then dig in his drawer producing a pair of his running shorts and a blue tank top he wore to the gym.

Benimaru: And after that, she began to juggle three random chainsaws.

She put on his clothes and stood by the bed and normally that image of her was enough to make him ache, but the anxiety of the approaching appointment had burrowed down his throat into his intestines.

Emi: You forgot the stomach. It needs to digest the anxiety, you know.

"Look, Annie, we have to talk about this," he said.

Kyo: *as Jack* And you actually need to think this time!

"We just talked," she said.

"No, I mean about what this means for me. I've never --"

"It doesn't mean anything for you."

Benimaru: *scratching his head* Huh? I thought it was for him. Now it doesn't mean anything?
Kyo: Told you, Beni. When a selfish lady says that she's doing it for you, she's actually doing it for herself.

"Seriously? I'm the one --"

The doorbell rang and Jack froze. He focused his bugging eyes on his wife, whose face was lit with child-like expectation.

Emi: Is it one of those stripper cops that I'm always hearing about?

A deep chortle burst from her mouth as she kicked on her flip flops and headed out the door. Jack knew he should say something, but his mind was blank.

Kyo, Keiko: Obviously.

She returned a moment later and scanned the room before moving to the rocker between the bed and the window. She took his Yankee cap hanging off the rocker and pulled it over her head. Jack looked at her wearing his hat and his catatonic brain unlocked with all the caveats he wanted to shout at her: we could get robbed, or assaulted, or a disease, or arrested.

Benimaru: The third choice. And while we're at it, the fourth one as well.
Emi: What about the second?
Kyo: That costs extra.
Keiko: *snickers*

He raised up as she disappeared through the bedroom door and his mouth uttered one question, "Why are you wearing my hat?"

Keiko: *as Jack* And did I just marry a ghost?

He acquired cat's ears listening to her flip flop down the stairs.

Emi: Great, now he can hear everything.
Kyo: No wonder they're constantly doing it! Girl's a freakin' gymnast and he grew some cat ears! What the hell am I reading here?!

The front door opened and he filled with doubt after he detected a new, lower voice conversing with his wife. His heart skipped with each flopping foot that ascended the stairs, followed by a heavier stomp.

Benimaru: I think you need to get that checked out. Your heart is not a record, sir.

The bedroom door swayed open and capped Annie was tailed inside by a younger man with a soft smile who asked for the bathroom. Annie pointed across the bedroom to the attached bathroom and her companion, wearing jeans, boots and carrying a duffle, went inside.

The resultant conversation was hushed and rapid.

"Are you nuts?" Jack said.

All: Dippity dur-hay!

"His name is Caleb. He's cute, eh?" Annie said.

Emi: You didn't give me enough of a description aside from a smile, so I'm going to guess that the Cheshire Cat is visiting.

"I have no idea."

Kyo: I think he's agreeing with you, Emi.
Emi: Nice.

"It's OK because I don't think he knows he's cute. Not really."

Keiko: If he's a sex buddy, he may need some of those self-esteem classes.

"Who cares? Look, I don't know if I can-"

"It's OK, Sweetie. It's just fun."

Emi: What if you get an STD after that? Will you say that it was fun then?

"OK, but why?"

"I don't know. I just want to see, you know?"

Kyo: *begins building a brick wall* Fine, but leave me out of this. And if any of you mention him again, I'm beaning you with a brick.

He slumped and watched his wife turn the rocker toward the bed and sit in it, pulling her feet underneath her.

Benimaru: Why'd I mistake that for her attaching her feet to her body?
Kyo, Emi, Keiko: *shrugs*

"Where'd you find him?" Jack said.

"Well, it's funny," she said.

Keiko: Fifty bucks says that it wasn't.

"Sharon was at this bachelorette party."

"Not Sharon. Please. Not Sharon."

Emi: No, anyone but the person who may or may not be irrelevant to this story!

"Be nice. She met him there and said he was a lot of fun."

"Lots of fun, huh? What does Jeff think about all the fun Sharon had with, er, Caleb?"

"She's no longer with Jeff."

"I thought she loved him."

"Oh, hon, that was during the summer."

"That's right. Sharon's feelings for men are strictly seasonal. Almost forgot."

Kyo: Ah, so Flirt has relatives, then.
Benimaru: Oh, shut up.

The bathroom door opened and Jack grabbed the bed for dear life. Caleb approached in nothing but orange jockeys and Jack got a good look at him -- tight cut black hair, blue eyes, shoulders and a small hoop in his left nipple.

Keiko: That's called a "nipple ring". Just letting you know.

Other than the piercing, Jack thought he looked, well, normal. Like a guy at the gym.

Benimaru: *shrugs, begins to eat a cupcake* Well, now he does. And I guess Emi's not thinking about that cat anymore.
Emi: Yes, that's correct.

Jack watched Caleb look over him at Annie before pulling off the sheet. Jack looked back at Annie who had her legs clutched to her chest, peering between the tops of her knees and the brim of the cap.

Emi: And then that person looked over at that other person... and so on and so forth.

Jack made out a reassuring smile from her just as the bed tilted with Caleb. Caleb asked if he worked out and Jack, nearly inaudible, said he was a triathlete.

Keiko: More like a quadathlete. Anyone who can do 36 hours of sex can consider it to be a sport.

Caleb nodded and touched Jack's chest looking for permission.

Benimaru: Well, you won't find it there!
Kyo: How about his eyes?
Benimaru: Yeah, I guess.

Jack relented and dropped his eyelids

Emi: That... that sounded so disgusting.

feeling Caleb's lips drift across his own, lightly at first, then fully in a kiss. Jack wasn't excited by it, but became interested in how different it was, how wide Caleb's tongue felt, and the force of his kiss.

Kyo, Benimaru: *slowly move away from each other*
Keiko: Oh, there's nothing wrong with that.
Kyo: I know, Tsukino. But I'm not going to tongue wrestle with my best friend.
Keiko: *drops a fanfic in front of Kyo* You did before.
Kyo: *narrows his eyes* I hate you so much.

Jack settled under Caleb's weight as Caleb used his knees to part Jack's legs. Jack felt Caleb's cock resting against his own.

Kyo: And then the two sticks rubbed together to create a fire.
Benimaru: *spits his cupcake out* I hate you so much.
Kyo: *stretches* I do what I can, Beni.

Caleb lifted and artfully peeled off his underwear,

Emi: Was it edible?
Benimaru: *puts his cupcake down, mumbles* Well, I'm certainly not hungry now...

then spun on top of Jack

Keiko: All that and no oil, huh?

until Jack felt Caleb's cock plunge into his mouth, Caleb's balls tapping his eyes.

Emi, Keiko: What the hell?
Kyo: Holy mother of shit, I think I'm going blind.
Benimaru: Well, you would be going blind if you had testicles practically going into your eyeballs.

Jack felt his own cock sink into Caleb's mouth, and the simultaneous acts of sucking and fucking made Jack swollen. Jack felt himself easing into orgasm when Caleb lifted up again and reached into his duffle. Jack propped onto his elbows and watched Caleb unwrap a condom and bag his cock.

Benimaru: A bit too late for that, isn't it?
Keiko: Obviously.

Caleb positioned Jacks' heels to his shoulders, and Jack laid flat in time to feel Caleb's fingers in his ass. Jack groaned and reached above his head bracing his palms on the headboard.

Emi: Oh. For a minute there, I thought he turned into a contortionist.
Kyo: Anything's possible with cupcake breasts.

Caleb's firm, stabbing massage widened Jack's hole, leaving it gaping.

Keiko: Huh?!
Emi: That... that's not a massage...
Benimaru: Wha -- are you trying to stuff a tall building in there?!
Kyo: I... I think I need a drink. A drink of battery acid.

Jack felt his legs fold back, his heels on Caleb's shoulders, a cock sliding deep inside him.

Keiko: And so much more.
Kyo, Benimaru, Emi: *panicking* Agh, shut up, shut up, shut up!

A line of fire seared both ends of Jack's crotch and Jack turned his chin up and accepted the impalement.

Emi: *as Shao Kahn* Fatality!

Caleb's pumps were long and slow at first, gaining speed, popping Jack's face into the headboard.

Benimaru: Holy fu -- ouch!
Keiko: If this is rough sex, I would like no part of that.

Jack felt Caleb's grip on his cock, keeping time with his thrusts until Jack felt a deep heat permeate his ass and thighs.

Kyo: He's going to need that, too. It does soothe aches and pains, after all.

He lost all muscle control, hot strings erupting from his cock onto his stomach.

Benimaru: Hot... strings? Is he spinning silk now?
Emi: That and he may have also done a number two in the process.
Keiko: Great, now I'm not hungry. Thanks, big sister.

Jack lay heaving for moment as Caleb pulled out and dropped a towel on Jack's stomach.

Kyo: *as Krauser* You can get up by--
Benimaru: *punches Kyo's shoulder* Zip it, you.

Before Jack could look down, Caleb wiped him clean, flipped Jack onto his knees and drove into him.

Keiko: Look, the competitors in boxing matches get small rest periods. You could at least let his anus breathe!

Jack braced while Caleb drilled his ass and finally came. Both men dropped flat on their chests, breathing into their pillows.

Emi: The pillows were then drilled after a two second rest period.
Kyo: *mutters* I wonder what toxic waste tastes like...

Caleb left the bed and headed toward the bathroom. Jack rolled over and saw Annie still curled up on the rocker.

Kyo: Well, that kills the cliché about the masturbation parts, huh?

His face caught fire and he covered it with his hands.

Keiko: No! You're supposed to stop, drop, and roll, you fool!

Annie was on him, peeling his fingers away and trying to force his eyes open, saying he was the hottest, sexiest man she'd ever met.

Benimaru: Yes, that does include those awkward banana fingers.

He lay still as she kissed him on his neck and around his ear.

Caleb walked out of the bathroom and Jack rose and passed him,

Keiko: ...harder than a compressed turd.

hearing Caleb say that he still had twenty minutes left. In the bathroom, Jack looked at himself in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. He didn't feel like less of a man, didn't feel emasculated.

Emi: Not even after that "Deep Heat" spider web.

He wasn't sure what he felt, but he knew something was different, something that couldn't be changed.

Kyo: Yeah, something changed. His sphincter can't shut properly now.

Was he evolving, or just discovering who he truly was?

Benimaru: Yes, he evolved. He evolved into Bisexual Man.

Or maybe he was just allowing Annie to see how far she could push him?

Emi: *plays with her marionettes* Obviously. Oh, why must you be so devoid of a spine?
Keiko: *whistles, cuts the marionette strings with her katana* I don't think we have time for those things today.
Emi: *groans*

He washed his face and hands and took one last check in the mirror. He was still a man. Still the same Jack.

Kyo: Because god forbid that you can experiment with someone of the same sex if you feel like it. It's almost like if you wanted to bone Ri--
Emi: *quickly puts one of her hands over Kyo's mouth while laughing nervously* Um, thank you, Master Kyo.

Back in the bedroom, it was the sound that caught him first, the now familiar breathing of Caleb working toward orgasm.

Emi: How is this familiar if he never met him before this session?
Kyo: Because... well, just because.

He looked in the bed and saw Caleb sitting against the headboard, Annie on top of him, her back to Caleb's face. Jack's shorts and the cap were on the floor at the bed's foot. Annie bobbed up and down, her eyes screwed shut.

Keiko: That... that sounds rather painful. It just sounds like someone drilled screws into her eyelids.
Benimaru: Did the eyelids fall off afterwards?
Keiko: I hope not.

Jack walked around the bed, never taking his eyes off his wife, until he arrived by the rocker. He stared at her.

Benimaru: And then he proceeded to knit one creepy looking potholder.

Without pausing or opening her eyes, she informed Jack that Caleb still owed twenty minutes of paid time.

Kyo: Ah, so she's a multitasker. That's good to know.

Jack sat in the rocker and watched Annie ride Caleb, pinching Caleb's thigh with one hand and rubbing herself with the other.

Emi: Um... where did she rub herself?
Keiko: Who knows?

She slowed her pace and reached underneath Caleb. Gauging from Caleb's face, Jack figured she was squeezing his balls.

Kyo, Benimaru: Please say that it was a light squeeze! At least say that!

Jack watched Caleb's face crack in climax,

Kyo: Someone needs some lotion.
Keiko: I think they have more than enough over there.

then noticed his wife, her back arched, face to the ceiling, black mane hanging from her head nearly touching Caleb's pelvis.

Benimaru: That is some odd mutated horse hair.

She let out two cries before buckling and easing herself off him.

Annie pulled the shorts back on and removed a wad of cash from her purse. She handed it to Caleb, who hurriedly dressed and babbled about how much fun he had. She never looked at him. Jack listened for the door as Caleb let himself out.

Emi: Afterglows and rest periods do not exist.
Kyo: Maybe they're wired with something. And considering that they've moved without spines this whole time, I'm guessing that they must've done some mushrooms as well.

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In bed, Annie teased Jack, licking his nipple and asking him if he enjoyed Caleb's cock as much as she did. She spanked him and referred, more than once, to his ass as "Caleb's bucket."

Keiko: *is now holding a bucket that is labeled "Keiko's Bucket"* This is my bucket. I vomit in it after I read lines like that.

He wasn't sure what that meant and didn't ask. Jack moved his face into hers.

"You didn't laugh," he said.

Kyo: Actually, I cried. Excuse me while I go to my corner and continue crying there.

"What?" she said.

"You didn't laugh. You know. With Caleb."

Benimaru: Let me guess. *raises one of his pinky fingers* Was it because it was this big? I know how some of you like to exaggerate our endowments.

"Oh. I guess I didn't. I guess that's just for you."

He pulled her on top of him and said he'd like to do it again and was amused with Annie's pointed eyebrows. Jack clarified, saying he'd like to do it again, but, this time, with a girl.

All: Figures.

She narrowed her eyes and he refused to break from her gaze.

Keiko: Can we say... "Hypocrite"?
Kyo: Yes. And we can also say... "Jealous Doofus".

She shrugged and said she'd think about it,

Emi: Remember, thinking isn't a part of anyone's daily routine here.

and he quietly wondered how far he could push her.

Benimaru: Can we start by pushing them into a Free Clinic? Did they even test the guy to see if he was free of any diseases?
Kyo: Yes and no. Stop using logic, because they sure didn't.

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