Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Black Crow Crew, Episode 4: A Quadruple Valentine's Whammy

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Note: This riffing contains four articles:

-10 Valentine's Day Gifts Decoded by Diana Vilibert
-What His Flowers Really Mean by Rich Santos
-10 Things We Hate About Valentine's Day by Diana Vilibert
-10 Great Things About Being Single on Valentine's Day by Diana Vilibert

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10 Valentine's Day Gifts Decoded

Ever wonder what that random, possibly heartfelt but possibly picked-up-at-the-corner-deli present really means?

Kyo: That you possibly have a stick up your ass?
Miyu: Kyo! We've just started here!
Kyo: Doesn't mean that I'm gonna like it in the end, Miyu.

This Valentine’s Day, we dissect the hidden meaning behind everything from chocolates to jewelry so you know exactly what you’re getting.

Jessie: And after that, feel free to emasculate your significant other.

He got you: A heart-shaped box of chocolates from the supermarket.
He’s saying: "I forgot it’s Valentine's Day."

Cassy: Cassy's saying: "Thank you! I'll eat them now!"
Kyo: *grumbles* We're already starting on the wrong foot here.

He got you: Jewelry or a watch.
He’s saying: "I'm not super-creative, but hey, I tried. Don't worry, I probably won't notice if you exchange it for something that's more your style."

Kyo: Kyo's saying: "You're fucking ungrateful."
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: Whoa, Kyo!
Kyo: What?

He got you: A surprise weekend getaway to a quaint little bed-and-breakfast.
He’s saying: "I'm hoping you like me enough to deal with being in the same room as my snoring — I know I like you enough to put up with yours."

Jessie: That's why anti-snoring aids were invented.
Miyu: Wait, I'm confused. So, it's wrong for the man to snore, but the woman can get away with it?
Jessie: Aren't double standards fun, Miyu?

He got you: Every season of your favorite guilty-pleasure TV show.
He’s saying: "I like you more than I hate Ross and Rachel."

Cassy: So, if I'm a guy, and I have to win the way to a woman's heart, I have to shell out money for an expensive DVD set?
Kyo: Looks like it, Kitty Cat.

He got you: Anything homemade.
He’s saying: "I'm crazy about you — and I've got the Krazy Glue-splattered furniture and staple scars on my hands to prove it."

Kyo: We've now gone back to the second grade here.

He got you: A greeting card.
He’s saying: "I don’t think it’s worth spending money on a Hallmark holiday, but, ironically, this Hallmark card is the cheapest thing I could find."

Miyu: Hey, at least he got you something. Is there anything that pleases you?
Cassy: Maybe he should rip up the card and shove it up her butt.

He got you: A relationship scrapbook, complete with photos of you together and ticket stubs from all the shows you've seen.
He’s saying: "I’m a cheesy romantic."

Kyo: Cheesy or creepy? You decide.

He got you: A pet for the two of you.
He’s saying: "Let's pick a name together — I want to make sure you don't choose one that I've reserved for our future children."

Jessie: That's if we're still together. I don't want you all over me when I've picked a name for our firstborn.
Miyu: Well, the name has to be... well, a proper name.

He got you: Kitchen appliances you didn't request.

Miyu: And what's wrong with that? Appliances would be nice if they replaced something of mine that was broken. But that's it.

He’s saying: "These spatulas are as close to a bouquet of flowers as you'll ever get from me."

Cassy: So... I'm spending twenty bucks on a decent whisk and spatulas, and you want fifty dollar flowers that'll die in about a week or two?
Kyo: Why can't this woman just buy her own damn gifts, then?
Jessie: That won't work, Kyo. She'll probably chew herself out.
Miyu: *as the writer* Why can't I love myself more? Why?

He got you: A voicemail on Feb. 15, apologizing for forgetting about Valentine's Day.

Cassy: Sorry that I had to deal with a few emergency patients. What, would you like me to let them die so I can deal with this one stupid day for you?!

He’s saying: "When you're done bad-mouthing me to all your friends, please, please give me a call back so I can grovel."

Kyo: He also left you another voicemail. It says, "I'm leaving you for your sister. At least she's not stuck-up."
Miyu: Gah... never mind.

What His Flowers Really Mean

As Valentine's Day approaches, men all over the world will scramble to pick up beautiful bouquets of flowers for the women in their lives — or the women they hope to have in their lives. But, what's the big deal with flowers?

Cassy: Or Grape Nuts?

Why Men Give Flowers
1. They represent beauty. Perhaps he is saying, "Here's something beautiful for a beautiful person," or he's making a visual commentary on a beautiful relationship.

Jessie: Or perhaps he beat up that guy down the street for them.

2. They represent sexuality. It seems a bit weird, but flowers are basically plant reproductive organs. Is there some subconscious reason that we give reproductive organs to someone we love ... and would maybe some day reproduce with?

Miyu: Hint, hint!

3. Our mothers told us to. A "well-trained" guy knows the cultural significance of flowers in romance.

Kyo: Also, the TV told us to do it as well.

What His Flowers Really Mean
Chances are good he has no clue what the bouquet he's getting you actually means, but if he's done his research into the type of flowers he's handing over, let this serve as your translation manual.

Jessie: This also serves as a little guide to nitpick if he gets you the "wrong" type and color.

Red Roses
Represents: true love
Says: "I love you."

Miyu: Also says: "Isn't that from every romance novel and movie ever?"

Also Says: "I'm not very creative and didn't put much, if any, thought into this buying decision."

Kyo: Also says: "Bite me, dickweed."
Jessie: See? Nitpicking right there.
Miyu: This is just a lose-lose situation. Roses are shoved into everyone's faces on this day, but when someone actually buys a bouquet... they're wrong? Pardon?
Cassy: Logic.

Striped Carnations
Represents: refusal
Says: "I can't be with you, but I'm going through the trouble of locating and buying striped carnations to say that."

Cassy: Well, if you're going to translate everything I give to you, maybe I should buy a vase full of these!

Sunflower
Represents: purity, lofty thoughts
Says: "I'm not going to put out."

Miyu: *flatly* Because, you know, Valentine's is all about "putting out".

Burgundy Roses
Represents: unconscious beauty

Kyo: So... you're saying that I have to send her into a coma... and she'll look beautiful?
Cassy: Um... no, dude.

Says: "I can't see your beauty. Because it's underneath the surface. Beauty is only skin deep. You have inner beauty? Er, I like watching you sleep."

Jessie: Flowers perfect for Edward Cullen!

Daisies
Represents: innocence, loyal love, and faith
Says: "These are delicate with a hint of spontaneity, just like you."

Cassy: I only said that so you wouldn't kill me.

Peonies
Represents: shame and bashfulness
Says: "I cheated on you."

Kyo: Also says: "You're paranoid as hell! You're thinking about my actions with the freaking flowers I bought for your crazy ass!"

Mint
Represents: suspicion
Says: "I bet you're cheating on me, but we can agree that these flowers smell damn good."

Miyu: Also says: "I'm going to ruin you even further on the Maury show."

Yellow Tulips
Represents: hopeless love
Says: "Please, please, please, please be with me. Please."

Cassy: I'll stop stalking you if you say "maybe".
Jessie: Jeez, that's just creepy.

Bird's-Foot Trefoil
Represents: revenge
Says: "You'll pay for these flowers."

Jessie: I hope the payment is in money. This one is scaring me.

Orchid
Represents: refined beauty
Says: "I am either pretentious or trying really hard to be."

Miyu: Which is why I've stolen these people's ID's. See, I play jazz, rock, and I'm a hidden acrobat.

Yellow Poppies
Represents: wealth and success
Says: "I love you for your money."

Kyo: And when a woman gives the same flowers?
Cassy: Same thing.

Pink Carnations
Represents: a mother's love
Says: "No, I don't have Oedipus Complex, but, yes, these flowers should have gone to Mom."

Jessie: But hey, my mom's dead, so, what then?

Coriander
Represents: lust
Says: "I only want you for sex, so can I actually hold onto these? My Thai chicken recipe calls for ground coriander."

Cassy: See? Food and sex can go hand in hand! Learn, people!
Miyu: Cassidy!

Yellow Roses
Represents: joy, friendship, apology, jealousy, dying love, infidelity, and heartbreak
Says: "I have no idea what I'm trying to say."

Kyo: So I'm just going to give you these and every other flower listed here. Hey, us guys can send mixed messages, too.

How Often Men Should Give Flowers
Guys shouldn't give flowers too often or too infrequently.

Jessie: Therefore, you should never give flowers. Problem solved.

Don't bust out a bouquet only when you're in a fight, and don't give them every week.

Cassy: Besides, I'm spending my stupid grocery money on your "happiness" here.

Keep it spontaneous, make every flower occasion special — unless you're giving someone coriander because that's just not vase-worthy.

Miyu: It works well if your significant other is a lovely chef.

Ladies, what is your favorite flower to get and why?

Kyo: Um, I'm the only guy snarking with three ladies, so can I get a word in as well?

Do you agree that roses are played out or is there a place for them?

Miyu: Rose gardens, maybe?

Can you see right through it when a guy gives you flowers because he's done something stupid, or does it help the situation?

Jessie: Well... uh... is this a question that will be on the "All Men Apparently Suck" final?

10 Things We Hate About Valentine's Day

Kyo: I've got one for the guys: We hate the fact that V-Day became a "please the ungrateful stereotypical woman" holiday.

1. Single or coupled, if you didn't make a reservation in January, your options for going out to dinner are limited to the local fast food drive-through.

Cassy: Well, hey! Your fingers probably weren't broken then!

2. The hour of our lives we waste every year in the greeting card aisle, looking for the perfect one.

Miyu: I'm confused again. When a man does it, he's cheap... but when a woman does it, it's romantic?
Jessie: And I'll say this again... aren't double standards fun, Miyu?

3. The overnight tripling of the price of roses, forcing your boyfriend to choose between getting you a bouquet of a dozen or paying his cable bill that month.

Kyo: What the hell?! You know about the expensive flowers, you make us pay for them, and then you have the unmitigated gall to bitch about them?!
Cassy: Did you just say a school word, dude?
Kyo: I'm dating the Black Crow's resident smart cookie, Goth Kitty. Do the math.

4. The 24/7 romantic comedy marathon on TV during the month of February either makes you feel like a loser for being single or makes you resent your boyfriend for not being John Cusack.

Jessie: So don't watch the stupid marathon. Nobody's forcing you to do that.
Cassy: Besides, romantic comedies suck. Same crap, different guy paired up with Jennifer Aniston.
Miyu: If I were a guy, I would resent this woman for being so horribly shallow.

5. If you've had anything resembling a date in the past two months, it always prematurely launches the "where is this going?" conversation.

Cassy: Where is this going?
Kyo: Over a cliff.

6. If you're single and lucky enough to have three close, single girlfriends, you can't go out for drinks with them without being a cliche.

Jessie: Jell-o Shots, anyone?

7. We don't need another stuffed teddy bear holding a heart or a cheap box of "guess the mystery filling" chocolates, thanks.

Kyo: So buy your own damn V-Day gifts and shut up. Problem solved.
Jessie: You must have forgotten that we're talking about the same woman from that first article, Kyo.
Kyo: Huh.

8. They don't make Valentine's Day cards for friends-with-benefits or "I think I like you but it's too soon to tell."

Cassy: Too bad we don't have cards that also say, "You're really uptight, and you need to get laid."
Miyu: Cassidy! Stop that!

9. We just started paying off our credit card bills from holiday shopping - our bank statements can't handle another gift.

Miyu: Wait, wait, wait--
Jessie: Yes, Miyu. It's yet another double standard.

10. Those gross taste-like-sidewalk-chalk conversation hearts.

Kyo: That actually implies that you ate chalk. And if I wanted edible chalk, I'd eat a bottle full of antacids.

10 Great Things About Being Single on Valentine's Day

Jessie: Number one: You don't have a boyfriend to rag on.

1. It's a great excuse to get sloshed with your closest girlfriends. Not that we need an excuse.

Kyo: And after that, a free Valentine's one night stand. Isn't being single fun?

2. You don't have to smile through gritted teeth when you get crotchless panties as a gift.

Miyu: The only logical thing to get upset about.
Cassy: Because all men only think about sex on this stupid day.

3. There's no better night to pick up guaranteed-single men at the bar.

Jessie: Before you start, Miyu... yes, it's a possible double standard.
Miyu: I wasn't going to ask, but okay.

4. You can see if you really can make it through the whole winter without shaving your legs.

Miyu: Uh... but I would look silly if I shaved. I'm a fox!
Cassy: Trims are nice, though.
Jessie: Pfft, my leg hair keeps rubbing against my jumpsuit and irritates them. Of course I can't last a whole winter without shaving!
Kyo: This is what I get for being the only guy trapped on a satellite with three women. Heh.

5. You don't have to listen to anyone's "Valentine's Day is just a made-up commercial holiday, blah blah blah" speech.

Kyo: Newsflash, lady: It is!

6. It's the perfect day to blow your New Year's resolution to eat healthy by buying yourself a box of chocolates - Godiva, not supermarket-brand.

Cassy: No wonder you're single! You're too damn superficial!
Jessie: Not to mention slightly hypocritical!
Miyu: *twiddles her thumbs* But those chocolates are good, though...

7. There's no better time to practice some self-love with a shopping spree at Babeland.

Kyo: Well... just get a vib--
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: Kyo!
Miyu: Anyway, I just realized something... why does this mention that you can go on a shopping spree here, but in the last article, it states that our bank statements "can't handle another gift"?
Jessie: Miyu, you're looking for logic in articles that lack it. You might as well just stop trying.

8. You're not spending it with that idiot you spent last Valentine's Day with.

Jessie: I've read those stories. They really were idiots...

9. It's perfectly acceptable to spend the day working late, eat Chinese take-out for dinner in your extra-large fleece pajamas, and not put out before you go to bed.

Cassy: Oh, for the love of fizzing god, dude! Valentine's is not about putting out!
Kyo: That's what anniversaries are for.
Miyu: Um, if a couple does this on Valentine's... won't the man get blamed again?
Jessie: And once again, double standards, Miyu.

10. You can spend it with the hottest, funniest, and smartest person you know - you.

Kyo: And your seventeen cats.
Miyu: Oh, come on, Kyo.
Cassy: Thank heavens I'm not one of those cats, then.
Kyo: Yep.

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