Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Black Crow Crew, Episode 11: Building A Man

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Note: This riffing contains three articles:

-25 things a perfect guy would do by ? (an e-mail/chain letter list)
-10 Things Husbands Should Never Do by Diane Oatis
-10 things I don't want to hear my husband say by Jill Smokler

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1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.

Cassy: I thought that one was a staple. Next!

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.

Kyo, Cassy: *smelling Miyu's hair*
Miyu: *sighs* Stop that...

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.

Jessie: *cocking a shotgun* He better.
Cassy: No wonder you're still single.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.

Kyo: Ha, ha, ha... no. I was here first. And I don't watch "the game", as you all say.
Miyu: That would be odd, considering that the average home has more than one television nowadays...

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.

Cassy: *puts her arms around Jessie's waist*
Jessie: *flips Cassy onto the carpet*
Cassy: *slowly climbs back into her seat* Dude!
Jessie: Sorry, Cassy... reflexes.

6. Play with your hair.

Kyo: *plays with Miyu's hair*
Miyu: *giggles* Kyo, stop that! It tickles!

7. His hands always find yours.

Jessie: Does this include the part where I reach into a chip bag? Because that's a little creepy.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.

Kyo: So... I have to turn into some Jell-O pudding or something? I'm not getting this.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.

Miyu: Well, last time I gave Kyo a massage, we... never mind.
Cassy: You two are hor-ny.

10.Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.

Kyo, Miyu, Cassy: *points to Jessie*
Jessie: Is this another pole joke?
Kyo, Miyu, Cassy: Yes.
Jessie: *sighs*
Miyu: Maybe that's why you're flexible. Don't take that the wrong way.

11.Never run out of love.

All: Cheesy...

12.Be funny, but know how to be serious.

13.Realize he’s being funny when he needs to be serious.

Kyo: Unfortunately, I'm just an ass half of the time.
Jessie: And you're creepy.
Kyo: Says the assassin.

14.Be patient when you take forever to get ready.

Jessie: And then she wondered why he drove away when she took two hours to apply lipstick.

15.React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts .

Kyo: No, you dumbass, that's domestic abuse.

16.Smile a lot.

Cassy: So you want him to turn into that Enzyte guy? Okay...

17.Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn’t normally like to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.

Jessie: Unfortunately, she complained about that, because nothing pleases her.

18.Appreciate you.

Kyo: And then she slaps him when he asks for one compliment.

19.Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.

Miyu: *writing calculations in her notepad* Long story short... waste of gas.

20.Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others company, even when his friends are watching.

Cassy: And then they taunt him. He then decides to marry her and make it big as an executive something or other.
Miyu: That sounds like an odd romance novel or a crummy romantic comedy, Cassidy.

21.Sing, even if he can’t.

Miyu: And if he has decided to audition for a singing competition, well... we can't help him there.

22.Have a creative sense of humor.

Kyo: Unfortunately, he got it from stealing other people's jokes in the style of Dane Cook.

23.Stare at you.

Cassy: *stares at Jessie*
Jessie: Two things, you... stop that, and I'd prefer it if you were a human.

24.Call for no reason.

Cassy: Yeah, like... "Where's my money?!"

25.Quit smoking, drinking or drugs-just because he loves you that much to quit it.

Jessie: Yeah, that's all well and good, but... you also have to do it for you. Just saying.

Guys, we love you, we really do. But as wonderful as you are, every so often you do something that makes us want to jump out the nearest window (or push you out first).

Miyu: Hooray for mariticide!
Kyo, Jessie, Cassy: Huh?
Miyu: Murder of one's husband.
Kyo, Jessie, Cassy: Oh.

Please, please, don't ever…

Jessie: ...divorce me.

1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. When your 16-year-old neighbor does it, it's called babysitting. When a parent does it, it's called child care, and it lasts for at least 18 years. Get it?

Cassy: Yes, it's not babysitting, but at least he's offering to watch them...

2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. At the end of a hard day, there may be smoke coming out of your ears, but let's face it: You've basically been sitting on your butt. That same smoke is coming out of our ears too-but we've cleaned the house, shuttled the kids around, run errands all over town and lugged grocery bags besides. When we say we're exhausted, we are exhausted.

Kyo: So... we can't imply that our work is hard, but you can complain that yours is hard. Thanks for the double standard, lady.
Jessie: I love how she assumes that all work involves sitting on a chair all day. What a stupid assumption.

3. Give a home appliance as a gift.

All: *throwing their hands up* Not this complaint again...
Cassy: For crying out loud.

Forgive us if we can't work it up for this one. A new washing machine? Really? Can we get you some new snow tires?

Kyo: Or I can just give you a washboard. Want that machine back, you ungrateful ass?
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: Oh, boy...

4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. Under our crew-neck sweaters may beat the heart of an untamed vixen-but most of us don't want to smell like one. (Nice try, though.)

Miyu: I don't get it. How is it possible to "smell like a cougar"? I did not know that we have assigned random scents to various categories and such.

5. Brag about your driving. This is supposed to let us know that ours isn't so great.

Jessie: You really haven't heard all of those really awful "women can't drive" "jokes", huh?

If my husband tells me one more time that he's been "accident-free since 1978," I'm going to reach over, grab the wheel and make the car swerve into something, just to shut him up.

Cassy: And then there's the possibility that you will horribly injure yourself, kill yourself, maim or kill him, or injure or kill an innocent person. Great job, you freakin' dumbass.
Kyo: If she ends up killing herself, don't expect me to shed any tears.

6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. I don't know whose fault this is (Food Network? Julie and Julia?), but every so often we get the idea that it would be fun to make stock and spend the day basting. If the result is less than earth-shattering, say something nice anyway.

Miyu: Hey, it's the taste that matters.
Jessie: Yeah, and then the wine was poisoned with arsenic, and his spouse didn't call an ambulance because she wanted to kill him so she could get out of a "contract" so she could avoid a divorce... and get her husband's life insurance money... and...
Kyo: I think we need to take those South African soapies away from you, Jess.

7. Buy clothes without trying them on. We know that the second you get into a department store you start to feel faint, but do us a favor and take the extra five minutes. Otherwise, you know who gets stuck with the returns?

Cassy: Try sticking him with them, you spinless wimp.

8. Know it all, especially in public. Oh, honey. While you're going on at length about whatever it is, we're taking the temperature of the room, and we know everyone's starting to fidget.

Jessie: You know, you can politely shut him up. Or is that too hard?

9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. Sometimes getting a new cut goes well; sometimes it doesn't. Usually we know the difference. Don't rub it in.

Miyu: Sounds like a bad fanfiction writer wrote this article. "Oh, I know my work stinks, but please don't say that to me!"

10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Umm…it's your house too, right? For now, we'll give you the bronze. Maybe someday, if you work hard enough, you can pick up a gold.

Kyo: And then I can stop sitting on my ass at my cushy office job and we can live on the streets. Does that sound good to you? Hmm?
Cassy: And there's a contradiction. She wants the medal for doing all of that crap, but she wants to give him the finger when he asks. Good job. *claps* I hate you so much, dude.
Miyu: I thought that marriage was supposed to be about teamwork. Doesn't look like it here...
Jessie: Welcome to the present. Everyone's bitter, and that includes us.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and a couple for 5 more.

Miyu: Why is that part bolded? Is she trying to rub that fact into our faces so she can get a medal or something?
Jessie: Hmph. My father's parents were married for 65 years, so I don't know what the hell she's bragging about.

After all this time, it still astounds me that he doesn't understand what I want to hear from him and want makes me want to run screaming from the house like a lunatic.

Kyo: I don't know, ever thought about talking to him like a human and not a pet?

I'm planning on plastering this on the fridge, lest he forget again.

Cassy: This must've replaced his crayon drawing.

What I don't want to hear from you, my darling husband ...

Jessie: ...is that you're divorcing me.
Cassy: You already said that joke.
Jessie: Some jokes bear repeating, sweetie.

1. Details of how successful or unsuccessful your trip to the bathroom was. Just don't go there, please. Call your brother; that's what he's there for.

Cassy: But I'm an only child!
Kyo: And I have an older sister.
Miyu: Same here.
Jessie: And I have five sisters. Now, ma'am... what phone can we use to call our nonexistent brothers so we can explain our diarrhea trips to them?
Kyo: That's if they even want to hear them in the first place.

2. That you didn't like the dinner I slaved over all day long. Just smile, feed it to the dog under the table and shut the hell up.

Kyo: You want to be a jackass, then? How about you eat your own damn food?
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: ...
Kyo: *letting a psychotic smile form on his face* Oh, you're dying because it's laced with cyanide? You poor thing!
Cassy: Um... I think Kyo's lost it, guys...
Miyu: Just keep your distance, Cassidy.

3. How annoying you find the kids, three seconds after walking in the door. I've been with them all afternoon. I know.

Cassy: So... why'd you two have kids? I'm just asking.

4. The dirty joke you heard at work. Chances are, I won't think it's funny. Call your best friend. That's what he's there for.

Miyu: Uh... men don't rely on farts and dirty jokes to live, you know...

5. That there are no clean socks. I have been doing laundry all freaking day.

Kyo: Are you sure?

I have no idea why the basket is still full and I have no idea where your socks are.

Miyu: Oh, my... are there fifteen people living in your home?

Wear a mismatched pair. Wear a dirty pair. Don't wear any at all. Just don't expect me to find you any.

Cassy: Translation: Live like a slob so I can chew you out for it.

6. That you think I look fat.

Kyo: *as Al Bundy* Ladies, it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat!
Cassy: Well, everyone has body fat... does that count?

I don't ever really want to know that, even if I ask.

Jessie: *irritated* Then why the hell would you ask that question in the first place, you stupid idiot?!

Tell me the color is wrong or it's not as flattering as it could be. Anything but fat.

Kyo: Well, lose the damn weight if you're so uncomfortable about it.
Miyu: Nothing wrong with being big, there's just everything wrong with being a jerk.

7. That I haven't changed in two and a half days. I know. I can smell myself. I'll do something about it when I'm good and ready.

Miyu: Why is the writer complaining about her husband being a slob when she hasn't showered or bathed in two days?
Jessie: Aren't double standards fun, Miyu?
Kyo: Want to know what's a lot more fun? A frickin' divorce!

8. That your head hurts and your throat tickles and you are really sleepy. Call your mother. That's what she's there for.

Jessie: Hey, excuse me... my mother is dead!
Miyu: I guess this person has never read the wedding vows which indicate "for sickness and in health".
Kyo: I'd hate to see what happens when he has five seconds left to live and he's stuck with her.

9. That you're in the mood. Just go for it, or don't go for it, but I'm too exhausted to discuss it.

Cassy: Doesn't that technically constitute as rape?
Jessie: *sarcastically* Who cares? He's getting some!
Miyu: Uh... I'm going to have to break the fourth wall here. Audience, please do not listen to my friends here. You will get arrested if you try that.

10. That you managed to wrangle all of the kids out of the house, to the museum, out to lunch and to the bathroom with no minor catastrophes.

Kyo: You mad?

I like to think I'm the only one who can handle them, thank you very much.

Cassy: Holy crap, it's Super Ass--
Miyu, Jessie: *covers Cassy's mouth*
Miyu: Please, Cassidy... we have already bent enough lines here.
Kyo: Yeah, it's Super Asshole.
Jessie: Gah! Damn it, LeMaire!

What do you not want to hear from your husband or partner?

Cassy: That he murdered his in-laws... also known as my relatives.
Miyu: That I can't drink from the wine cellar anymore.
Jessie: That he's cheating on me with my gay redneck cousin.
Kyo: That being with me is the equivalent of getting his penis chopped off by Lorena Bobbitt.
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: *stares at Kyo*
Kyo: What? I'm the only guy here. Cut me some slack, huh?

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