Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Black Crow Crew, Episode 1: Da Princess in da gle club (Part One)

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Warning: Even though this is a trollfic, both parts contain terrible lemon, rape, and child abuse scenes. Proceed with caution.

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Chapter 1

lol ok i only rote this in like 5 mins durin class

Miyu: Well, I believe that now explains everything.

and my frend tracey crected the mistaks, so its not brilyant yet.

Cassy: Brilliant's quite a long shot, isn't it?

it will get better!

Kyo: Somehow, I doubt that.

and if anyone is wuried this will afect my ace atorny fanfic, it wont, im wrocking on that one 2!

Jessie: I don't think smashing your head against the keyboard counts, sweetie.

luv u guyz! (also, i mad her be kurts sister cuz hes the only guy who wudnt slep w/ her anyway. enjo!)

Kyo: Pfft, Kurt wouldn't sleep with her even if he was straight.
Cassy: Guess our Sue has a bit of that Amanda Woodward Syndrome there.

Hi my name is Princess Estella Ruby Diamond Humill.

All: Oh, jeez...

I hav a identiacl twin brother caled Kurt. He is gay. I am not.

Miyu: That's because both twins are required by law to be gay or straight.

I waz born after our mothwer had an affair with my my dads best friend.

Cassy: Apparently, her mom had an affair with a unicorn.

My dad hated me wen I was bron.

Kyo: *as Princess* Because I had six toes.

Kurt waz the favourite. He was spoiled, and i was alrways badly treated.

Jessie: It's called "sucking up". You should try it, too.

I waz forced to be a slav in my own home. Then my mother dieded, and things got worse.

Kyo: It can't get any worse than reading this.

But I stayed strong and brave, tho I had sum serius problemz.

Miyu: Like not using a spellchecker.

I neva cried. I was brave. Sum poeple in my trgaic sitachin wud hav killed themselfs. I didnt cuz Im brav and strong.

Jessie: I cried because I was being forced to read this nonsense.

One brite sunny day things got gud.

Kyo: You died?

My dad, who had kept me a secret, got remaireed to this woman and decided to show me to da world. omg!

Cassy: World, this is the "Tragic Past Sue". Common traits include the obvious bad past and ability to attract a possible harem of men.

The 1st people I met is my new brother Fin, and his mother(i forget her name lol).

Jessie: *as Princess* Yeah, it's funny that I forgot the name of my stepmother. Life's a blast!

I knew Fin fell in luv straght away.

All: Typical!

I dont now why.

All: Yes, you do!

Im not prety. I hav long golden hair, and bautifull purple eyes that sumtimes turn pink for no reason.

Cassy: I'm not seeing the ugliness here. Do you?
Miyu: No.
Jessie: Nope.
Kyo: Yep. Mary Sue purity is ugly.

I hav big gint boobs da size of a basketballs. Im also extremly thin lik a model.

Kyo: *as Princess* I also lack a realistic body shape and somehow retained the ability to stand on my feet.

But my dad, Buurt tells me im ugly, and i deserv to die.

Jessie: And he hopes you burn in Hell!

So im not pretty, and im not vane.

Miyu: She's right, she's not a weather vane.

Fin was very nice to me. So waz my twin Kurt. They were the only nice people to me. Then my dad decided i shud go to school. He snet me to New Dareictions High Skull.

Cassy: Apparently, there were no cops available to check out any possible truancy charges.

I got a clushi thrown in ma face. It was sad. I was sad.

Jessie: This whole damn fanfic's sad.

Then i decided to join da glee club w/ my brothers.

Cassy: Will the Sue's singing voice make angels cream themselves? Tune in tomorrow!

My life has change forever.

Miyu: Much to the reading audience's chagrin.

To Be Conintued...

Kyo: You mean there's more of this? How many chapters are there?
Jessie: Not many. Besides, you only need one chapter to commit instant suicide.

Chapter 2

ok, stop flamming me pepple! its caled CIBERBULLING.

Cassy: Huh. I could've sworn it was called "criticism".

i am 15 and i am dyslixiac!

Jessie: This is an insult to dyslexics everywhere.
Miyu: And teenagers?
Jessie: Some of them. Most of them have brains the size of snow peas, anyway.
Miyu: Oh.

this is a gud story,

Cassy: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
Kyo: If it was a good story, I wouldn't be looking for cyanide pills at this very moment.

if u dont lik it, then stfu, and go die!

Miyu: I'm guessing that the suethor is an illiterate Twilighter?

my story is brilant and ur all jelus!

Jessie: Stephenie Meyer, is that you?

if i keep getitng bad revews, i will stop riting foreva! ok?

Kyo: That's cool. Do it.

DO U WANT DAT TO HAPEN!

All: Yes!

NO. no u dont, so stfu bitches!

Cassy: Eh, it was worth a shot.

also im postting dis AN on both my fanfics w/ mor than 1 chapta to let poeple no how i fel.

Jessie: Unfortunately, she doesn't know how we feel.

anway, my story.

Kyo: Anyway, my Last Will and Testament...

CHAPTA 2-DA BITCH CALED RAHCEL

Miyu: Rah, rah, rah?

"Glee club, this is Princess," sed Mr Shoe.

Cassy: We're missing Mr. Boot, Mr. Sandal, Mrs. High Heel...

He introducin me.

Jessie: That's so gangsta, yo.
Kyo: Jessie, don't you ever say that again.

"Ew, shes so ugly," sed Santa, jealously.

Miyu: Well, I never saw Santa Claus as an attractive man, so...

"I like dinnosores," sed Britny, stupidly.

Jessie: *rubbing her head* I think my IQ dropped by fifty points after reading that line.

Rachel hit them both. She iz the bitch in the group.

Kyo: I thought the "bitch" in the group was supposed to be "Santa" up there.

She also goes out with Fin. I wish she dint, but thats not hyw I hat her.

Cassy: Yes, it is. You'd be lying to yourself if you said otherwise.

"everyone, shut the fuck up, and listen to my solo!" shouted Rachel. She began to sing Rihana and Emnem, Luv Da Way You Lie(c). She sang it w/ Fin.

Kyo: Filler.

He didnt want to sing with her, but she bets him up wenever he doesnt do it. omg!1

All: OMG!
Miyu: *sarcastically* Yes, because that's what Rachel always does to Finn.

"Just gona stadn dare and watch me cry, la la la la la, luv da way u lie!" they sang. Fin raped like Emnem. He was hawt.

Jessie: So, I'm looking at a rapist fish fin here?
Kyo: Yes, and it's "hawt".

Everyone clapped in the end. "That was amazing!" sed Mercedes except shes not caled Mercedes anymore,

Cassy: She's now called Ebony Dark'ness Dementia--
Miyu: Cassidy...

shes called what her middle name is, Caroline(hi caroline, hope ur reading dis!)

Kyo: Caroline is smashing her head against the nearest wall now.

"IA, Caroline," sed Mr Shoe.

Jessie: What does "IA" mean, anyway?
Miyu: Indoor Activity?
Kyo: Interracial/Anal?
Miyu, Jessie, Cassy: Kyo!

He was just in luv with Rachel.

Miyu: Yes, you keep saying that...

I think he probly loved me too, he kept starring at my boobs like they were lunch. omg!

All: OMG!
Kyo: Because giant basketball boobs automatically cause attraction.

Puck waz also starring at me. He waved. "Hi! ur hawt," he sed, simple-y.

Kyo: Of course people won't stop staring at you! For Christ's sake, you have giant basketball titties!

I got all ebarsed. "ok, ur hawt too," i sed.

Jessie: The hell does "ebarsed" mean?

"Want to go out!" she sed.

"Yes!" I sed.

Jessie: When'd Puck become a girl...?
Miyu: *as a documentary announcer* The Mary Sue seduces her mate with her abnormally large breasts before she moves in for the kill...

Qin scremed and ran way. She luved Puck. He was her babys fater, and she didnt want him dateing sumone else.

Kyo: Apparently, Santana must have possessed poor Quinn's body.

If I knew this I wud neva date Puck. but i didnt, so thats not how things wroked out.

Jessie: And this is okay how...?

Me and Puck lef the clas. He was so hawt, i cud see his gint dingdong sticking out of his trosers. omg! it was so beutful.

Miyu: Puck has a giant Hostess snack cake in his pants?
Cassy: Desserts are beautiful things, Miyu.
Miyu: *shudders*

we had sex in the cordor, and then the bell rang. I didnt hav my close on me, so I ran to clss in just my bra. Everyone stared at me.

Jessie: *rubbing her head* Oh, for heaven's sake.
Cassy: *as Puck* And kids, that's how your mom and I met. Sad, really.
Kyo: Is there even a bra that holds... y'know...
Cassy: Yeah, and they're usually custom made.

"OMG, Pricesnes is a slut!" scremed Rachel, da bitch.

Jessie: Rachel's not really a bitch for telling the truth, sweetie.

She beat me up.

Cassy: Oh, well. Lunch, anyone?
Kyo: You're making follow-ups come too easy, Kitty.

She hit me sooooo hard, i fell through da window, but i was used to it, coz my dad does it to me the hole time. I barely felt it.

Miyu: I've heard of having a high tolerance for pain, but this is ridiculous.

I just stud up, and walked to Emma's office. Shes the nurse or sumthin.

Jessie: Or the school counselor or something.

She gassped wen she saw me. "omg! u look so bad!" she sed, but not in a mean way, she felt bad for me. i cud undrastrands why.

Cassy: I wouldn't.

"i know," i sed sadly. "dat bitch rahcel beat me up. And she thru me thru da window. She caled me a s;ut."

Kyo: Well, you... sort of... are. I mean, you banged someone you knew for only five seconds in the damn hallway!
Jessie: I'm actually ashamed that neither of them used protection.

"Dont worry, ur not a slut," she sed nicely.

Kyo: Pfft. You should've seen the free porn show that happened in the hallway ten minutes ago, Miss Pillsbury.

"Here is a plaster. Stick urself."

Cassy: Yeah, well that solves everything.

I stuck myself and leeaved the office. "Bye," she scramed. "Hav a nice day!"

She was the only person who had eva bin nice to me.

Jessie: Apparently, she must've forgotten about Kurt and Finn.

I deiced to go tell Rachel I forgived her.

Miyu: *as Princess* Yeah, I forgive you for throwing me through a window. I'm glad I didn't press charges against you.

But then I met Sue Silver, and my life changed forever...

Kyo: I thought her life changed forever in the previous chapter!
Jessie: Sues have terrible memory spans.

Chapter 3

stuf every1! my sotyr is grate!

Jessie: So we're stuffing everybody with grated cheese!

and IM NUT A TROLLL! ARE U TO STUPID TO UNDRASTRAND THAT! I AM NOT A TROLL.

Cassy: A bridge is missing its troll. Please return to it. Thank you.

dis is a serus story!

All: *laughing*
Kyo: This story's as serious as Brett Favre retiring from football!

if u dont like it, say why like ur an adult, and not a stupid asshole!

Miyu: I sense hypocrisy in your future...

also, i neva went to kindgraten coz im not american,

Cassy: Yes, because kindergarten's only in America.

so ur all big RETARDS. okay? go die bitches!

Jessie: Uh... says you?

I left the glee club.

All: And?

Pick was there then. He huged me, and we had sex in da toietl.

Kyo: Whoa! I thought that the Sue was kinky, but this takes it up a notch!

I liked his sex. He had a HUGE dingdog, like the size of a cucmbeur. His balls were like tomtoes.

Miyu: I will never look at cucumbers and tomatoes in the same way again...
Cassy: Or pickles for that matter.
Miyu: Cassidy, no. Stop.

When I licked them and sucked them, it was like a fruit salad. A yummy, juicey fresh frut salad.

Kyo: She can turn the taste of man veggies into fruit?
Miyu: I want to hurl.

Wen we were finshed, we went home, and did it in the bed.

Cassy: Lady's got stamina.
Kyo: She really needs another extracurricular activity.

Fin walked in. "OMG!" he screked, core.

Jessie: My brain snapped in two when I tried to decipher that sentence.

"Why are you doing my sisteer!"

Kyo: *as Puck* Because she hasn't spread enough STD's yet!
Jessie: Ugh. Stop that.

He was all protective of me, he waz so swet and cute. 3 I wanted to do him strate away. But I cudnt.

Cassy: *as Princess* Because I already had someone's snack cake up my--
Miyu: Cassidy!

I jumped up, and den I relished I was naked. OMG!

All: OMG!
Miyu: Wait, you realized this after you did the deed with Puck? I don't get it.

Fin cud see EVERYTHING. He was all embrassed, cuz he's not a pervert.

Kyo: As a matter of fact, he vomited in the corner once he saw the Sue in the nude.
Jessie: I would too, Kyo.

Den Kurt cam in, and threw up, coz he doesnt like girls.

Jessie: See, it's because he's gay, and she's not.
Kyo: Yeah. I'm repeating my last line.

If it was naked Fin, he wud of been happy. Or naked Puck. But Pick was still in da bed, with a blankt.

Cassy: Uh-huh. Whatever.

DEN...Rachel da bitch came in! omg!

All: OMG!
Miyu: How did Rachel know where she was, anyway?
Jessie: Plot device.
Miyu: Huh.

She was soooo angry. She hit me again. "Im telling Sue Silvehster!

Cassy: But... she's at home. What's the point?

And u know what she does to bad little slut like u?"

Kyo: She sends them to the wonderful world of make-believe?

She gribbed my er, and took me to Sue. I was in pain, soooo much pain.

Jessie: I'm already in so much pain from--
Kyo, Miyu, Cassy: From reading this. We know, Jessie.

Sue was angry. She brought me to her office, and she rapped me.

Cassy: Rapped? Maybe Sue's a DJ, too.

I scramed and cried, but there was nothing I cud do.

Miyu: Apparently, "fighting back" is a foreign term.
Jessie: Well, people can freeze up in situations like that. That being said... this is just being used for crappy drama here.

Rachel stood there, laughing so hard. She thought this was soooooo funny.

Kyo: *rubbing his forehead* This... this is just sick.

It wasnt.

Jessie: Dur-hay.

Then...I ran way! omg!

All: OMG!
Cassy: How does that work?

I had to deal with tings like that at home w/ my dad. I wasnt putting up with it and Sue too.

Miyu: I guess that "reporting to the authorities" is also a foreign term.
Jessie: Well... uh... sometimes, the authorities don't handle cases like that so well. But, you know, crappy drama once again.

At home, my dad beat me around with the iron. But im used to that.

Kyo: You know, this high tolerance for pain is getting under my skin.

My whole face got burned, but underneath the burns and the tears and the tragedy, you cud still see signs of the beatuful girl I cud one day becum.

Cassy: Here's a razor blade. After you finish, let me disinfect it so I can give it to the next "Angsty Past" Sue.
Jessie: She then broke out of her tragedy-filled cocoon and became a beautiful butterfly... a disgusting, Sue-like butterfly.

I waz going to make my life better. I wasnt going to be treted like this naymore.

Miyu: So run away from home!

I waz going to grow up, and become a woman.

Kyo: Uh, having lots of sex doesn't make you a woman. It's just sex. Acting like you have a damn working brain is what makes you a woman.

And I waz gong to get revenge on dat bitch Rachel Bery.

Cassy: Fifty bucks says she bangs her in angry revenge sex.
Kyo: I don't know if I'm supposed to be aroused or squicked by that.
Jessie: Ditto.
Kyo, Miyu, Cassy: *stares at Jessie*
Jessie: Stop looking at me.

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