Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Egg Spiral Crew, Episode 17: The Ultimate Pokemon Master (Part One)

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1. Introducing the hero

Sonic: This'll translate to "Meet the boring Sue or Stu".

Manic: Ultimate.
Amy: Lordy, here we go.

Disclaimer: Pokemon or any trademarks affliated with it do not belong to me.

Slowly the light crept through the window. Its golden, luxurious rays lit upon a handsome chiselled face which was still asleep.

All: ...
Sonia: I swear, this better be a parody fic.

In the soft morning light his soft brown locks cascaded softly down the side of his face, highlighting the great strength in his face while also revealing a softer inner core.

Manic: *laughs loudly*
Amy: Yep. It's probably a parody.

Slowly his eyes opened revealing the powerful and determined purple and orange streaked orbs which were held within.

Sonic: *snorts, begins laughing*
Sonia: What is this nonsense?

With a light bound he leapt out of bed revealing a surprisingly well toned body for a ten year old.

All: We're going to jail.

"Today's the day I become a Pokemon master!" he said to his reflection, a resolute smile playing across his lips. Striding manfully over to his wardrobe he pulled on a crisp white linen shirt. This he left wide open at the neck to show off his considerable chest hair.

All: What the?!
Manic: Please tell me that this is a parody. This can't be a real thing that was written seriously.
Sonia: It's starting to look more and more like one.
Manic: Like what?
Sonia: I'm... not sure.

Next he pulled on a pair of tight black jeans that had once belonged to his sister. However after he had single-handily passed all her exams to get her into the top University she had showered many present upon him, including these. He liked them especially as they made all the important parts of his lower body stand out so well.

Sonic: Like his junk.
Sonia: He's ten, Sonic!
Sonic: See, this is why I can't sleep correctly now. Riffing's ruined me.

Downstairs he could hear a distant howling start to begin.

Amy: A small pack of Rockruff were beginning to evolve.

"Ahh poor mama," he thought to himself. She had been like this for weeks now. Ever since he had announced to the town that he was going to become the Ultimate Pokemon Master she had been in grieving. It couldn't be helped though. It was his destiny to become the best. Around his neck on a gold chain was the pink stone he had been found with ten years ago. Somehow this stone would be key to everything, he knew that. It held a deep power that not even the town Professor had been able to figure out. He would figure it out though. It was his destiny.

Manic: It wasn't my destiny to read this.

In the living room his whole family was gathered to wish him goodbye. Though he was not in fact their actual real son, his adopted parents had informed him many times that he was so much dearer to them than any real son could be. Certainly they had treated Derek with nothing but scorn, calling him "the runt" to his face and worse sometimes. However he had tried to teach Derek how to be adequate and he was reasonably certain that after another couple more years Derek might someday impress his parents. He hoped so anyway. As soon as he appeared in the doorway his sister and mother threw themselves on his shoulder's weeping piteously. Behind them he could see the nineteen year old Derek and his father trying to stay strong but the tears were still evident in their eyes. "Ohhhh no" his mother moaned piteously. "Please, please don't leave us! Any day without you would be agony! Please, please!!!"

Amy: *puts on a pair of glasses, gets out a checklist* Let's see... impeccably handsome--
Manic: To the point where the audience vomits...
Amy: Uh-huh. Blah, blah, blah, "special item of destiny" thingie, character shilling... this is going to be terrible, even if it is a parody.
Sonic: Might as well skip the checklist, because he's going to hit just about every terrible thing and then some.

He patted their heads in a comforting manner before shifting them both off his shoulders. He then walked up to his brother and father. "Goodbye son, I know you will be the best" stuttered his father before embracing him as well. Derek couldn't speak and could only snivel pathetically. Our hero

Sonia: More like "our ass boil".

stuck out his hand to shake his brothers as he didn't want any grime on his nice clean clothes. Unfortunately he forgot to make his grip loose and he saw his brother screw up his face in pain. He let go with a laugh "Sorry I forget my strength sometimes!"

Sonia: No, you're just a jerk. You don't see me breaking my brothers' spines.

The room rang loud with laughter at this; even his mother raised her head from her hands to guffaw. His dad clipped Derek round the head "I hope you didn't dirty his clothes runt!" "Now father you know it isn't his fault. He can't help himself"
"I am sorry son. I just can't be as forgiving as you"
Our hero merely smiled at this. "I only hope I have been a good example to him. Now dear family I must be off. I have to become the Ultimate Pokemon Master. It is my destiny!"

Sonic: And you're not gonna call out your adopted parents for abusing their biological son? Oh, that's right; they're only okay because they're not abusing you. I don't know if I should be confused at this or hate this.

With that he strode manfully

Amy: I puked pukingly.

out the door and into the street.

Manic: And then he got hit by a random herd of rampaging Ryhorn. Good riddance. The End.
Sonic: I wish, bro.

Outside all the village girls had gathered outside his door. Noticing him they all simultaneously burst into tears and fell about him. Sighing sadly he placed his hand inside his pocket and took out a number of red rose petals on which he had signed his autograph. With a swift movement these were thrown into the air and with a ear-splitting screech all the girls threw themselves into an unseemly scuffle to try and get some of these.

Amy: Does he even have a name?
Manic: Probably not, so let's give him one. How does Jackass McGee sound?
Sonia: Too blatant. We could use...
Sonic: Meh, just be simple. Call him Stu.

Striding onward our hero made his way up the street to his local Pokemon lab which lay a little way outside his town atop a tall hill. Here nine other trainers had been waiting for three hours for the ceremony to begin. Professor Oak, who had travelled especially to this town for the ceremony ran forward as soon as he had entered. "Oh we have all been so worried. We thought something might have happened to you. So we delayed the ceremony until you arrived"
"Oh no Oaky. I just wanted another couple of hour's beauty sleep so I decided to come a little late." The room was filled with deafening laughter as all the trainers' laughed at the idea of him needing any beauty sleep.

Amy: I hate myself and I want to die.

"So can we get started here? I do have places to go and see you know."

Sonia: I also want to punch you in the face, you know.

"Oh I'm sorry. Here we will begin right away." Professor Oak smiled at this point toward the other trainers. "Now I know normally we would test you all to see who has the most ability and let that trainer have first choice.

Manic: *as Oak* So... we're just going to have the greatest Trainer who ever lived steal the show now. Pardon me, I'm going to shill him in a moment here...

However I don't think today there is any question who is the most talented. So" he said smiling toward our hero, "would you like to choose first?" "Oaky dokey" he answered bringing forth another round of laughter.

Sonic: ...I hate myself and I want to die.
Amy: I said it first. No cutting in line.

Professor Redwood, a tiny, nervous, little man whose lab it actually was, walked forward at this point with a silver tray on which sat 11 tiny Pokeballs. "Once you release the Pokemon from its ball it officially becomes yours" he said a quiet reedy voice. "You become responsible for the care and growth of the Pokemon from that point."

Manic: Here comes a Legendary.
Sonia: In any other situation, I'd deny this. However, this fic's already hit the negatives, so...
Manic: But what if it really is a parody?
Sonia: Then it's a damn good parody.

Striding forward confidently our hero placed his palm face downwards above the tray and closed his powerful violet eyes.

Sonic: Miyu's coming after you in a moment.

The room went deathly quiet and completely still. Suddenly

Manic: ...he died and the fic ended.
Sonic: Keep wishing.

a sharp crackle of power shot up his body lifting several of his long chocolate brown hairs high into the air.

Amy: We usually call that "poop".

The light seemed to drain away from the room leaving him to shine through the darkness. One power which he had taken from his stone was the development of psychic abilities. He could look into each Pokeball to see the Pokemon inside.

Sonic: Ain't that cheating?
Sonia: It's only okay if Stu does it.
Sonic: We're really gonna call him "Stu" now?
Sonia: He has no name. And parody or not, he's a Stu. We're naming him that.

"A Mew" he said to himself, "no would make it too easy. Same for the Dratini and the Celebri.

Manic: You're already cheating. Might as well go with the Mew or Celebi... wait. You can't even spell Celebi's name right? Some Ultimate Pokemon Master you are.
Amy: And they're Legendaries. They technically shouldn't be in plain Poké Balls. I'm not saying that they can't be in them, but it just looks off.

Pidgeys and Rattatta's wouldn't suit my new designer backpack," (which he had unfortunately forgotten and left at home).

Sonia: Oh, boo-hoo. Tell that to someone who cares.
Sonic: This is coming from the riffer with the most designer outfits. Congrats on being a hypocrite, sis.
Sonia: I don't brag about them. Do I look like that asshole Sasha to you?

"A toss up between the Pikachu and the Charmander?" he thought musingly. "Red would suit me more though I think". "Right" he said out loud as he opened his eyes, "I pick…." It was at this point he noticed that there were little paper cards in front of each Pokeball naming the monster inside.

Amy: Good going, dingus.

Laughing out loud, he lifted the Pokeball down off the tray and released the Charmander. When the little red lizard spotted his new master, he leapt into the air with excitement and then ran over to his master to attach itself to his legs. "Hey there little buddy, mind the jeans will you?" Again the room rung with laughter.

Manic: And then they stopped laughing once they found out what that Charmander did next.
Sonic: No. Stop.

It was under the cover of this that another trainer entered the room. "Well, well. Isn't it Mr Wonderful and all his fans?!" spat the girl harshly. She was the very epitome of an evil trainer. Her black hair was cut short and spiked up with red highlights.

Amy: Cassy? Are you being warped by a Gary Stu?

Her face was ghostly white and her eyes were surrounded in kohl. She wore some obscure band t-shirt which even she had probably had never even heard of

Sonia: Thanks for adding the "fake nerd girl" misogyny bullshit. This fic better be a parody.

and a black leather jacket which hung down past her short skirt and fishnet tights. "Ahh" our hero said with a smile "where is the funeral?" The sheer originality of this remark sent everyone into hysterics, including the two Professors.

Sonia: I want to stab you with an ice pick.

Evita flushed at this but still managed to growl toward our hero who merely responded with one of his devastating smiles. "Oak I wanna Pokemon"
"That's Professor Oak to you young lady" the Professor snapped.

Manic: *as Oak* You're not Stu. He is the only one who is allowed to insult everyone, including myself.

Rudely pushing past him she snatched at the tray. "Ahh" she sneered maliciously "a Squirtle! This will give me a type advantage against you! Come on face me in a Pokemon battle now and we will see who is the best"
"For me to see who is best I would need a mirror." Our hero's sparkling wit once again sent the room into convulsions and made Evita flush even harder as she couldn't think of a reply.

Sonia: *punches the Stu*
Sonic, Manic, Amy: *stunned*
Sonia: Sorry... you know that I sat through Benji.
Sonic: Uh... I thought that Benji was a sexist jerk with a giant ego, not a narcissist. Anyway, that's some pure narcissism.
Amy: He's worse than Mr. Nikaido on that front.

"Come on outside and I will show what Pokemon fighting is all about!" With breathless excitement all the other trainers ran after them. Professor Oak was really excited as he ran through the door.

Amy: He's seen plenty of battles throughout his life. Why would Professor Oak be excited over... oh, wait. It's Stu. Duh.

In his entire career he couldn't say he had looked forward to a Pokemon match more before. Evita was the local bad girl, hanging about on street corners, up to no good all the time. While our hero was a shining example of excellence which the whole village aspired to meet, Evita represented all that was bad about society today.

Manic: Dyed hair, bad. Chest hair, good. Never wear black or be a girl, kids. Always have a penis -- okay, this is hitting Benji levels now.

A victory for her would truly mark a victory for evil over good. Professor Oak suddenly stopped in his tracks. He had just realised something terrible.

Sonic: Aside from this fic... if it isn't a parody?

"Wait" he shouted as he made his way out to the small earthen patch outside the lab which was marked out as a Pokemon fighting square. "I forgot to say that I had been training that Squirtle myself! It's much more powerful than your Charmander!" "It's ok Smokey Oaky. It's my destiny to win this match"

Amy: Can it also be your destiny to shut up about your stupid destiny?
Sonia: No wonder Kyo hates that word.
Sonic: Oh. So he's gonna win. Why are we supposed to care now?
Manic: Because reasons. And shilling.

"This is my chance to finally get my revenge against you and the rest of this stupid town! Go Squirtle!" As the Squirtle burst free it was clear to see that it already had a shifty look about its eyes. It was as if it knew that it was destined for evil. Our hero winked down at his Charmander, who winked back before stepping onto the pitch.

Amy: *sings* Love lift us up where we belong...

At opposite ends both Pokemon glared at each other sizing their opponent up before Evita shouted out "Go Squirtle use water gun!" Opening its mouth wide the Squirtle took a deep breath before shooting out a large blast of water directly toward Charmander.

Sonia: In any other sane universe, Charmander would either dodge or suffer a super-effective hit. Let's watch the upcoming idiocy.
Manic: I don't wanna.
Sonia: Too bad.

Staring lazily at the oncoming attack our hero waited till the last second before calling out "Barrier!" Lifting one of its small clawed hands the Charmander swung it in front of its face just before the water hit.

Sonia: Can Charmander learn Barrier?
Sonic: Um... *pulls up a page on a random device* ...no.
Manic: *throws his hands up* Here we flippin' go.

Bouncing off the invisible wall the attack rebounded straight on Evita drenching her utterly. "Agh!" she screamed out as a roar of laughter came from the crowd. "Feel a little wet Evita?" our hero responded causing some of the crowd to fall to their knees.

Sonia: *punches the Stu*
Sonic: Now I'm not gonna argue about that one.

"Go Squirtle" she shouted in a shrill voice

Manic: Because she's a girl, you see. *laughs weakly, stops* Ugh. No. Stop this torture.

"use tackle attack!" The Squirtle ducked its head down and charged towards the grinning Charmander. Waiting again till the last moment our hero shouted out "Charmander dig!"

Amy: It's new. And it has Dig? Okay. *stamps her paper*
Sonic: *reads the stamp* "Epic Failure (if it isn't a parody fic)"?
Amy: *shrugs*

Suddenly the Charmander dropped out of sight letting the Squirtle crash headlong into the trunk of a tree which was growing opportunely there. As the water Pokemon stumbled dizzily backward the Charmander exploded up from beneath it sending it flying through the air to hit Evita square in the chest.

Amy: I know that this is supposed to be Team Rocket levels of abuse, but it's actually making Stu look like a bit of a sociopath.
Sonia: But it's okay! It's his flippin' destiny!

As Charmander sauntered back to its position it exchanged a high five with its master.

Sonic: Ah. Sasha levels of sociopathy. Tell me why Evita's the bad one here.

After a comical couple of seconds in which Pokemon and girl rolled about in the mud they managed to detach themselves. Reaching into her bag Evita pulled out a Potion bottle which she squirted into her Pokemon's mouth. Reenergised the Squirtle leapt back into the ring looking healthy and strong again. "Ha, ha. Didn't expect that did you? Now I'm going to win!"

"Charmander" our hero said to his Pokemon with a quiet magnitude that suddenly silenced the crowd, "its time to finish this. Thunderbolt attack!"

Sonic: *reads* Charmander can't learn Thunderbolt. However, it can learn Thunderpunch via Move Tutor starting in Generation IV. *stops reading* Hmm. Tails really needs to keep making these little nifty devices here.
Sonia: It's nice. However, Thunder anything is still a giant ass pull.
Manic: It's a Stu fic. Everything's an ass pull.

Evita started backwards in shock but the Charmander's red cheeks were already sparking with electricity.

Amy: It's not a Pichu, Pikachu, or a Raichu. Stop.

"Char…Man…Der!!!" he shouted before shooting the immense lightning attack at the Squirtle. The water Pokemon was instantly fried and fortunately some of the electricity also managed to hit Evita as well sending her flying backwards.

Amy: Hooray for sociopathy!

The crowd stood up to give our hero a standing ovation, whilst

Sonic: ...sane people looked on in horror and helped Evita instead.
Manic: And then they were instantly shunned because they didn't kiss Stu's feet and butt.

Professor Oak had to wipe a tear from his eyes. "One of the best performances I have ever seen by a trainer. He will surely be the best ever," he said quietly to himself.

Manic: I'm gonna puke in a sec.

"Wait a second here." Our hero turned to see Evita struggle to her feet. "Charmander is a fire Pokemon. How could he use an electric attack"
He smiled in a mysterious fashion back at her "I am afraid it's only something that a Pokemon master knows how to do."

Amy: Why are you beating up and injuring starting trainers if you're a master?!
Sonic: It's his destiny to abuse women.
Sonia: He really is demented.

He then turned to the rest of the crowd. "But I will be more than that. I will be the Ultimate Pokemon Master!" It took quite some five minutes to stop the crowd cheering and in this time Evita managed to escape with her Pokemon.

Manic: I swear, they're this close to having an orgy while Stu watches.
Sonia: He's ten.
Manic: And he hit super puberty with his chest hair. What's your point?

Our hero watched her go, aware that he could have stopped her but also aware that it wasn't her fault that she thought like she did. Perhaps meeting her and beating another couple of times would knock some sense into her and she would become a well meaning member of society. She would thank him some day as being the inspiration that stopped her going into prison.

Amy: Oh, eat shit and die, you Sasquatchian cocksplat.
Sonic: *coughs*
Manic: *cracks up*
Sonia: Damn it, James...

Turning to Professor Oak again he motioned towards the distant peaks, "its time I was off." The Professor suddenly looked worried and in a comical fashion started to root about in his pockets frantically. "Oh wait a second. Where is it"
With a smile our hero reached in his pocket to produce a bright red case. "Don't worry Oaky pokey I built my own Pokedex. I knew you would probably lose yours"

Tails: *as he walks by* You cannot be serious.
Sonic: We really don't know if he is serious, Tails.

The Professors face cleared. "Oh good. I know you are really the only one who could be trusted to find all the Pokemon in the world"
With a smile our hero turned from his enraptured audience and made his way down the path.

Manic: And then he was run over by a Golem. The End.
Sonia: Oh, what dreams are made of...

Hey guys please review this. If not I might (veiled threat) and then what would you do?

Sonic: This has got to be a parody. Please let this be a parody.
Amy: If it isn't, I will cook and eat my hammer.
Sonic: It'll go down better with bread, Ames.

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