Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Egg Spiral Crew, Episode 16: Thanksgiving! (Part Two)

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Chapter 3, rest of story!!!

Sasha's POV

Its like a scene from a horror movie, Wednesday morning.

Amy: And you're the serial killer. We must kill you before you kill us.
Sonic: *backs away from Amy* You're becoming a bit homicidal, Ames.

Look at the script:

Tails: I don't want to.
Manic: Too bad, you have to.

A young hedgehog (Sasha) has woken up. She is unfamiliar of her surroundings until she recalls the night before, and all its previous happenenings. She smiles, and begins to unpack her suitcase. Finding her towel and the outfit for the day, she closes her items and strolls happily to the nearest bathroom. The door is unlocked, so she assumes no one is inside, and enters. To her surprise, there is a blue, fully disrobed hedgehog in front of her. She screams, and runs out of the house.

And cut!!

Tails: Uh...
Manic: How the hell did she manage to breathe without help?
Amy: Then let's just tell her to stop breathing. Maybe she thinks that it'll make her smarter than she already isn't.
Sonia: Ugh! *facepalms* My goodness, she's so insufferable! Aside from his gloves and shoes, Sonic's always been naked. No wonder Amy wants to smash her into bits.
Sonic: *points to his neckerchief* Hey, I have more clothes now!

Sonic's POV

It's not that hard to knock on a door.

Amy: *mutters* Smashing her face into one, however...
Sonic: *worried* You're hitting LeMaire levels of homicidal.

Sasha's POV

It's not that hard to lock it either, buddy. Anyways, I will plot my revenge. . .

Tails: Because you didn't knock? You're a guest!
Sonia: Tails. What are the first and second rules of Suedom Law?
Tails: *sighs* A Mary Sue is never wrong, and it's never a Mary Sue's fault.
Sonia: Yes.
Manic: Now write that on the chalkboard a hundred times.

Silver's POV

After all that drama, Sasha came back into the house, with an evil smile, and a large package. Her smiled soon turned benign when she saw me ( :) for Silver ),

Sonia: Why is that there? Why is that emotiocon there?

and soon we sat down and started talking. Afterwards, she gets up and hugs me, and starts to cry. She tells me that she's sorry about all the drama-rama-llama stuff (During the most angst-filled three months of his life, Silver was trying to become a poet. Fail)

Manic: So... he got his inspiration for poetry from Kyo Kusanagi?
Sonia: *tries not to laugh* Manic, stop!
Sonic: Well, Silver's bad poetry wasn't as big a failure as the prequel.
Tails: Colossal Failure. Almost ended up as a Catastrophic Failure. That wasn't good.

that happened last summer. And I tell her I forgive her,

All: We still don't.

but before we can do anything, I'm out of the house, and she's waving, saying that she needs the house for a couple hours and to find Tails and Sonic and keep them out too.

Amy: I wouldn't trust her with a pet rock. Do you think that she wouldn't do anything malicious?
Tails: She's so horrible that she'd eat someone's goldfish, break the aquarium tank for fun, and claim that a shark ripped through their house!
Sonic: She'd pee on you and tell you that it's raining.
Manic: She'd put her own poop in a pie pan, stick it in the fridge, tell you that it's a no-bake cheesecake, and force feed it to you.
Sonia: Sonic, Manic, that's absolutely ridiculous. Mary Sues don't urinate or defecate.
Tails: *giggles*

Sasha's POV

Amy: Where's the part where Kyo LeMaire roasts her?
Manic: Not in this fic.

After I get Silver out of the house, I know I won't have much time to clean up the place, much less do damage control. So, I speed clean the place, and manage to redecorate Sonic's room and wall colors to perfectly matching shades of magenta, change all the song's on his Ipod to classical music, and put up pictures of Espio (how she knows him, he's her best friend's cousin's friend's brother's mom's friend's brother) all over the walls. It was perfect.

Sonia: Unfunny Gender Stereotypes: The Crappy Fanfic! Part 2: Electric Boogaloo! Whee! *sighs in frustration* Kill me.
Tails: I don't want to do that...

Then, I unlock the doors, and the guys come in. Sonic starts watching TV and eating chili dogs at the same time, with a little spot of chili on his nose. I take out my camcorder, and ask Sonic if I can take a vid of his room. He says sure, not really paying attention. Meanwhile, I'm recording this. He turns around, waves to the camera, says hi, and goes back to eating. Then I rush up the stairs, and take a look around the room, paying VERY close attention to the box of tampons that are "coincidentally" in his final drawer. Quite fun. After that, I e-mailed the cid to everyone I know, explaining the situation to first. . . and then posted it up on sontube (YouTube for Sonic's fangirls – Amy was the donator of the year. . .for 5 years, and made me get one). Two hours later, it was the most watched video . . . on the Internet. Revenge is just like champagne: best served when cold. . .

Amy: ...and it's even better when Axl freezes you... and it's even better when I will smash your frozen body into a million pieces after that.
Tails: Uh?!
Manic: All this... because she didn't knock on a door? Seriously, why are we supposed to like her again?
Sonia: I don't know.
Sonic: No wonder Amy wants to kill her.

Thursday

Sonic's POV

Today I wake up early, so I decide to go on YouTube.

Sonia: I thought that it was "sontube".
Amy: This dumb fic doesn't even know its own mangled "canon".

Randomly, I see this one vid that says "SONIC'S BEDROOM! HILARIOUS!!!" So I click on it, and read the comments (That's how I decide whether or not the vid's good). There were over 100,000,000,000 comments!!

Sonia: Over a hundred billion comments? *scoffs* Yeah, right.
Sonic: Uh... I'm a little lost. Can I get a quick math lesson here?
Tails: *boots up his Miles Electric* Sure, Sonic. Let's take Earth. For this scenario, let's assume that everyone on Earth has access to the Internet in some manner or form. That's around seven billion people right now.
Amy: Seven billion? That's a lot of folks.
Tails: Yep. Now let's assume that there are actually a hundred billion people with access. If the video is viral, lots of people will watch, but not everyone will leave a comment. Also, some people won't care to watch it at all. Basically, it's entirely impossible for anything to have a hundred billion replies or comments... unless the Sue used a bot to spam millions of replies for a month.
Manic: I'm guessing that this chapter was just written on one of those "lol sugar high" moments.
Sonia: Ugh. This useless nonsense needs to end now.

Most of them were talking about quotes in the video, but a lot of them were talking about how hot the girl in it was.

Manic: ...of course. Of freakin' course. Of course Sasha Sue is "hot". Seriously, she's more vain than Sonia!
Sonia: Don't you dare compare me to that cholera encrusted disease magnet, Manic.

So I decide to watch it (Amy: seethes in a corner). Then I see Sasha talking, and I'm thinking "Shit, I'm screwed!" And since Fatass (Eggman)

Sonic: Whoa! Look, I like to tease the ol' Egg, but I do not call him that!
Manic: I think we're only tolerating this fic's version of you because a certain someone is ten times worse.
Sonic: *facepalms, groans*

likes to attack at random times, I've gotten used to sleeping on the couch. So until then, I had never seen my room. I run up, and sure enough, it looks exactly like in the video. PINK EVERYWHERE!!! I had to go somewhere really masculine and stuff,

Sonia: Really? Our Sonic's first thought would have him wondering if he stepped into Amy's room.
Sonic: And it really was Amy's room that one time.
Amy: That awful cold really ruined you for a week. I think that you also fell asleep on the kitchen floor and in the bathtub. It was pretty bad.
Tails: Oh, I remember that week. Also, I hate this fic.

so I run out and there's the press, shouting stuff like, "SONIC! IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ESPIO THE CHAMELEON?" Fuck. I run as fast as I can and hide into a random shop. Just my luck, it's the Sonic plushie store. And there are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to many hormone-raging girls in it. Double fuck. Then while I'm running, someone calls my cell phone. It's Amy, and she asks what I did to piss off Sasha like that.

Manic: Because it's never the Jerk Sue's fault!
Amy: *stamps her paper* Epic. Failure. Two more stamps makes it official. Try us.

Before I can answer, Shadow calls, and he's just laughing on the line. After THAT, Espio calls, and lets out this long list of swears, some I've never even heard before, and then he does the same thing in SPANISH, FRENCH, ITALIAN, AND PORTUGESE.

Sonic: *flatly* Humor.
Sonia, Manic, Amy, Tails: *flatly* My sides.

Then, I curse Sasha, but Amy hears and hangs up on me. Triple fuck.

Tails: He had a right to curse her. Once again, she put him in the hospital. She horrified him so much that he jumped through a window to avoid her. She walked in on him, invading his privacy. She was so petty about this that she decided to torment him because she didn't knock on the door. Look, I know that the readers already know this stuff, but I'm only saying this because the Suethor doesn't understand anything regarding her awful Mary Sue or anything related to common sense. Nobody with two working brain cells will root for her. Coma patients won't root for her. That's how horrible she is.
Amy: Holy moly, Tails. You normally don't rant like that.
Tails: True. I just hate Sasha.
Manic: You're nicer than us when it comes to this stuff. We have to give it to ya.

Then I run home, and guess what I find? Sasha giving out $100 tours of my room! I ask Tails why he didn't stop her. Then the little guy tells me that she promised him 25% of the cash!! So I'm like, what the fuck? Then I ask her how much I'm getting out of it. Guess. You never will. 5 FUCKING PERCENT! And Silver? He gets 20%!! He gets more than I do, and it's not even his fucking room!! So I promise Tails that if he can get the people out of the house, he can have my 5%. He lets loose one of my autographed pictures, along with an autographed shoe, and the people run out of the house. So basically, I lost thousands of dollars AND one of my FAVORITE RUNNING SHOES!! Life fucking sucks.

Sonia: *stamps her paper* One more.

Sasha's POV

Two birds, one stone. I spent all my allowance on holiday shopping (part of her OCDness is getting everyone's Christmas presents BEFORE Thanksgiving) for family and friends, except for Silver. I still didn't know whether or not he would forgive me, and if he did what he would want. But anyways, I got a lot of money (even though I'm only keeping 5% of it) AND got revenge on Sonic. Magnifico!

Manic: Because... you didn't knock... man, I hate you!

But I'm kind of sad. Amy's coming back tomorrow, and I won't be able to get revenge on Sonic, or be with Silver as much. Oh well. There's always the holidays. . . :)

Amy: Guess who the centerpiece is!
Sonic: Crap. We really are getting a spit-roasted Sue!
Amy: Not yet. I'm sure that she'll be delicious when she's finally basted and cooked!
Sonia: Wait... what?
Tails: *scared* Cannibalism?! Amy! You can't cook and eat her!
Manic: Tails is right, Amy. Feed her to Kyo LeMaire instead. He knows what side dishes go with Sue hedgehogs.
Tails: Manic, no!

Silver's POV

After that hectic Thanksgiving (when I made more money than I've ever seen in my life – who knew that people would want to see Sonic's room so badly),

Sonia: Because the holidays are all about exploitation!
Tails: Well... your sarcasm does have some truth to it, Sonia.

I go to sleep. Around 1 AM, I head this sound I've never heard from Shadow's room (except for that time when Sonic dared Tails to sleep in Shadow's room for the night . . .): whimpering. I knock, but no one answers. I go in, and Sasha's literally trembling. She's saying, "No Aaron, stop please . . . please stop. . ." and she starts crying.

Tails: Because after she torments someone, we're supposed to feel sorry for her.
Amy: It's not working.
Tails: I know.
Sonia: Let me guess. She was allegedly abused by an ex? If so, that's a slap in the face to every domestic abuse survivor out there.
Sonic: I'm really sick and tired of this stuff. She tortures and traumatizes everyone for random reasons that don't make any sense. And she gets away with it to boot! And once that stuff happens, we're supposed to feel sorry for her when the random time comes? Yeah, I'm not buying it. It's just like the dumb "I'm insecure!" and "I had anorexia!" garbage from the last fic. This is just shoehorned in for bad sympathy points.
Tails: She is, was, and always will be a Jerk Sue. By the way...
Sonic, Manic, Tails: *stamps their papers*
Amy: Oh, wow. Epic Failure.

Quickly, I go over to her, and hold her, trying to calm her down. She wraps her arms around me, and though I try to escape, her grip tightens. Since I figure she's not going to let go for a while (her clutch is just strong when she's asleep than when she's awake, maybe stronger), I get comfortable, and look at her. Really, I don't understand why she wears make-up. She looks even more gorgeous without it (Girls: AW!!!!!).

Sonia: *angry* I will--
Sonic, Manic, Tails: *stamps their papers again*
Amy: Guys, you can't stamp twice. That makes no sense.
Sonic, Manic, Tails: *stamps their papers again*
Amy: *makes a face* Seriously?
Sonic, Manic, Tails: Seriously.
Sonia: Yeah... never say that a woman looks better with or without makeup. We don't use it for you, you asshole.

Her arms loosen, and so I get up to go, but then she sleep talks, "Silver? Please don't go." How could I say no? (unintentional rhyme!!!!)

Tails: ...shut up.
Sonic: Ha!

Friday

Sonic's POV

Before devils spawn (Amy: if you're going to hold a grudge against Sasha for this, I'm not going to go out on another date with you)

Sonic: Amy?
Amy: Yes, Sonic?
Sonic: Are you supposed to cook that demon devil Sue at 350 degrees?
Manic: *laughs*

left for Amy's house, she gave me a little whistle. She told me to use it only when the media was being a pain in the ass. It would bring something that would distract them for 3 hours more or less, long enough to take Amy on a date, she said with a wink. "if you don't, Jeff might come after you. . ."

Manic: Wait, is she referring to Jeff the Killer?
Sonia: Probably.

But before I could ask who he was, she was gone. I looked at the note attached onto it. It said:

Sonic,

Use this no more than once a week, and each time, something different will come to help you out.

PS, This is your Christmas present, so if you break it, pssh sucks for you.

Sasha

Manic: ...what side dishes are good with that Sue?
Tails: *stunned* Oh, my -- really?!
Sonia: Like I'm going to eat her. I might contract an actual disease if I do.
Tails: *looks at Sonia*
Sonia: Just make sure that she is cooked thoroughly. I don't want any of you getting ill.
Tails: Argh!

Thus ends Thanksgiving, over A WEEK after it was due to come out. Review and don't forget to put up your OCs!!!!!!!!

Tails: I hated this fic.
Manic: How... did this Sue manage to piss everyone off in only three chapters?
Sonia: Because Sasha is a horrible waste of oxygen and life. Seriously, all you have to do is breathe in her general direction, and she'll exploit you.
Amy: Doesn't help that she's being enabled by some equally horrible people.
Sonic: This so-called sequel might as well be a condensed version of the prequel.
Tails: No kidding. By the way, Sonia and Manic... there's a sequel to this fic, too.
Manic: Wait, what?
Sonia: *groans* Why didn't any of you three tell me or Manic about this?
Tails: We didn't expect to ask for backup. We also didn't know that she would be this awful of a Sue.
Manic: *sighs* Fair enough, I guess.
Amy: Well, when the time comes, I'm going to be ready to bury that sequel, and I'm definitely ready to bury her. I will not back down from this challenge.
Sonic: *whistles* If that's the case... sure. I'll be ready, too. Now I need to purge this nonsense from my brain.
Sonia: *slams a bottle of Bleepka on the table* Fine. Let's begin.
Tails: *sighs* Joy of joys.

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