Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Egg Spiral Crew, Episode 12: Your Love Life at Work

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Note: This riffing contains three articles:

-10 things I can't believe that guys still do by Janelle Harris
-12 Mistakes that End Relationships by Kim Oliver
-8 Compliments Your Man Wants to Hear by Korin Miller

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Manic: Then why do you all bash our thought patterns?

Fascinating not in a pleasant, I-wanna-learn-more-about-it kind of way, but fascinating like Vincent D'Onofrio's mildly disturbing scenes in The Cell. Weird and funky and kind of unsettling.

Amy: Does that answer your question, Manic?
Manic: Unfortunately, yes.

I'm always gunning to find out what a guy is really thinking, and then when I do, I'm left feeling like I should've left it well enough alone.

Sonia: That's why nobody likes nosy people.
Sonic: And stop trying to figure us out. Not all of us are alike.

Because I struggle to get the thinking patterns of the less-fair sex,

Sonic: I'm struggling with this weird introduction. And why is that bolded?

I'm continually baffled by the things they do, the decisions they make, and most relevantly, the reactions they feel are appropriate.

Manic: I gave this one girl a rose for our first date. She slapped me and left in response. Personally, I'm baffled.
Sonia: Oh, stop exaggerating, Manic.

When I wonder, "What is this nut thinking?" it's a rhetorical question.

Sonia: Oh, please. You'd still want an answer.

I'm pretty sure their reasoning wouldn't make my understanding any darn clearer if I knew. But there are just some shenanigans still in play that boggle me:

Sonic: And it's stuff like... "How do they manage to trap my king in chess so often?"
Sonia: I'm doubting that, Sonic.

More from The Stir: 5 Things Men Do in the Summer That Are a Major Turn Off

Amy: Number One: He compliments you. Number Two: He suggests going out for a change.

10. They refuse to pay for dinner because they don't want to be suckers, but end up coming off as 1) macho jerks, 2) guarded cheapskates, or 3) macho jerky guarded cheapskates instead of gentlemen.

Sonia: Congratulations, you're dating a child. Dump him and run far away.
Amy: And why didn't she start at number one like the other lists?
Manic: Because... well, just because. I don't have a real answer for that.

9. They honk the horn when a hot chick is walking smack dab in front of the car, scaring the living daylights out of her and making themselves look like total maniacs in the process.

Sonic: Yes, the pre road rage days are showing.
Manic: Wait, don't lump me into this "they" group! I don't drive a car!
Sonia: Whizzing past the ladies on your hoverboard sort of counts, Manic.
Manic: Oops.

8. They try to holler when they know full well that they're married or have a girlfriend, or they tell the woman they're hitting on that it doesn't matter when she tells them that she's married or has a boyfriend.

Amy: I don't know why that poor woman is dating a guy who's afraid of commitment. Unless he was hiding it very well, shouldn't it be both of their faults?
Sonia: It's only hers if she's "trying to change him". Other than that, he's just a jerk.

7. They tell a girl she wasn't that hot anyway after she flatly rejects his advances. Nothing smacks of wounded ego more than hurling insults at the woman who, just moments ago, was the object of their affections.

Sonia: Ugh. I hate those kinds of guys.
Sonic: Yes, and I of the "they" group can also be lumped into the "moronic jerk" group.
Manic: Sounds more like a bad dating show.

6. They attempt to score on the first date. Unless it's clear that a woman is just that into them, there's no reason for The Big S to be presented, offered, or contemplated.

Sonia: What is this, a bad prom date?

More from The Stir: 7 Nasty Man Habits That Really Turn Us On

Manic: Like vomiting or doing number two.
Sonia, Amy: *cringing*
Sonic: You... you... no. Just... just... no!

5. They immediately assume "it's that time of the month" if a woman cops an attitude, is in a bad mood, or puts them in check.

Sonic: We don't know how you all act! Then again, the "you all" always assume that "we" think with our reproductive organs!
Amy: Well, at least that dumb "assumption" is being called out more.

4. They fart, laugh about it, and repeatedly mention how bad it smells. Sigh. They keep us young by transporting us back to the sixth grade with that behavior.

Amy: Then stop dating sixth graders, Mary Kay.

3. They fire off catcalls, hoots, grunts, barks - or even worse, psssts - to get a woman's attention. Learn how to deliver a compliment. And here's a tip: that ain't it.

Sonia: So... are we looking for love at the zoo? Where are we?
Sonic: The bar. You know, it's almost like the zoo.

2. They flirt like teenagers, ask for a woman's number ... and then don't call. Waste of everybody's time.

Manic: This is sad. I'm an expert on wasting my own free time. I'm not going to waste anyone else's.

More from The Stir: 4 Gross Relationship Deal-Breakers

Sonic: Ketchup stain!
Amy: Sonic... that's not ketchup!
Sonic: *faints*

1. They are clearly willing to have unprotected sex. Fumbling for condoms kills the movie-like spontaneity of the moment, yes. But with all we now know, there's no way a woman should take a man seriously if he whips it out and tries to use it without wrapping it in latex first.

Sonia: And you're equally stupid if you let him do it anyway.
Manic: And you're even more stupid if you go on "Maury" and it's not his baby.
Amy: However... if he takes it off in the middle of it and doesn't tell you... *takes out her Piko Piko Hammer* ...he'll have to answer to the hammer.

What's something guys do that just rocks your world with disbelief?

Amy: Burping by accident. Time to vilify them for that!
Sonic: Guess I'm staying away from the chilidogs for a bit.

While these are basically written tongue-in-cheek,

Sonic: Lies!

each has an element of truth to it

Manic: More lies!

as something people do when in a relationship and then they have difficulty understanding why things aren't going well with their partner.

Amy: Which is why you should read a few Shine or Cosmo articles and come back to us on that.

1. Do not grab your partner in the breast or crotch and think that constitutes foreplay.

Sonic: I thought that grabbing a woman's breast was a part of foreplay.
Manic: The latter can be true... if it's a sexy strip search.
Sonia: Manic, stop that. Also, it's not grabbing. It's massaging. You need to massage it.

Related: Is Steamy Text Messaging The New Foreplay?

Sonic: No, that's just lazy. "LOL, I wana feel u up."
Manic: "U hav large boobz?"
Amy: *shakes her head*

2. Do not tell your partner she looks fat in anything, even when she asks.

Manic, Amy: *facepalming*
Sonia: *speaks through her teeth* Not this crap again...
Sonic: It's the ultimate jerk question.

3. Do not sarcastically tell your partner he should have asked for directions when you suspect he may be lost.

Manic: As a matter of fact, keep driving. We'll hit the Grand Canyon in no time.

4. Do not contradict your partner in public...no matter how much he is exaggerating.

Sonia: Excuse me... what if he exaggerates his length? What do I do then?
Sonic: Yank his pants down and show them the real length. *turns to the reading audience* Don't follow that advice, people.

5. Do not stalk your loved one. When you check cell phone calls, emails and follow him or her on their evening/weekend activities, you are not exactly communicating a message of trust.

Amy: But Cosmopolitan said that I should do that if he's cheating!
Manic: Then those writers need to be slapped with wet fish.

6. Do not complain to friends, family or co-workers about your loved one. Long after you have forgiven him or her, your friends and family are still holding a grudge. If you must vent about your partner, tell a stranger on the street.

Sonic: Then take that stuff to Steve Wilkos. He's a stranger that'll listen.
Manic: Well, that's before he tells you to get the heck off his stage.

7. When your woman is venting about a problem she is experiencing, do not suggest she might prefer being alone while she is upset. Just listen and nod your head, throwing in an occasional, "Oh baby, I'm so sorry that happened to you."

Amy: Wait, another article said that you shouldn't do that.
Sonia: Amy... all of these articles contradict one another. That's why you should use that brain of yours.

8. When your man is upset, stop pressuring him to "talk." Talking is not what he needs to do. Bring him a beer instead and then leave him alone to work it out.

Sonic: *facepalms* Not all of us are beer drinkers. And what about our problems? Why can't we talk about them as well?
Amy: I'm confused here. What if a lady doesn't want to talk and a guy does? What then?
Manic: Then the world implodes.

9. Do not decide that the middle of the football playoff game is the best time to have a serious "talk." When football is on, nothing short of a natural catastrophe at your home will take precedence and maybe not even that!

Sonia: Then let that tornado or hurricane carry him away if he's way into that.

10. Stop setting up your partner by expecting him to read your mind. He can't!

Sonic: We point you to number two.
Manic: *singing in place of "Hallelujah"* Con-tradiction! Con-tradiction! Contradiction! Contradiction! Con-tra-dic-tion!
Sonic: Thanks, bro.

Related: How Do You Set Realistic Expectations In A Relationship? VIDEO

Amy: Um... you don't?

11. Stop thinking your partner means what she says. Try to read between the lines to discover what she is really saying. "I would do that" usually means "I'd really rather not."

Amy: *points to numbers two and ten on the list*
Sonia: Another contradiction.
Sonic: Epic Fail.
Manic: Make that a Galactic Fail.

12. When all else fails and you decide to hire a hit man, don't pay with a credit card or personal check. You may end up with a partner who is worse than the one you already have...in prison!

Amy: And no, it's not sexy like in those bad pornographic films. Please be realistic.

Now, you may be laughing, but often things are funny when we can see the truth in them.

Sonic: I didn't laugh... not because most of these were pretty much true. It was because I couldn't find the humor.

You may recognize yourself, your current partner or past relationships in some of these errors.

Manic: I don't. Well, unless I was told a bunch of secrets and lies, then no.

The thing to do is ask yourself what could you do instead that would be more respectful and loving.

Sonic: Like randomly breaking it off because he's not Edward Cullen.

We are talking about your most significant relationship of choice! How does this person deserve to be treated by you?

Amy: Like crap. You know, like most of those terrible books.
Sonia: Don't forget the stalking.

What kind of lover do you want to be?

Manic: A manly one!

When you are in a relationship it is important to treat your partner the way they would want you to treat them, not necessarily how you would want to be treated in a similar situation.

Amy: *sarcastically* Ladies! Ask your significant other to shower you with gifts on a daily basis!
Manic: Dude, my brain broke. What the heck is she saying?
Sonia: Mixed messages, probably.

When you love someone, you want to create a safe space for them to just "be" in the world.

Sonic: Sorry, I made mine with spikes and lava.
Sonia: It's for her, Sonic. Listen!
Sonic: Who?
Sonia: *sighs*

Your relationship with your partner should be that safe haven where everything is all right or at least you know your partner will create a space where it will be all right again very soon.

Manic: So I can wear my indestructible cardboard box now, huh?

Let me know your plan for neutralizing some of the errors in your relationship!

Sonia: Will flea powder work?
Amy: I'd suggest a napalm bomb.

Lately, we've been hearing the same relationship complaint from dudes.

Manic: My complaint is why you keep asking me if you look fat in that dress. It's a stupid question!

Even though they know to call out how awesome your hair/dress/sense of humor is,

Sonic: Now why am I imagining Emi controlling me like I'm one of her marionettes?

they feel like they're not getting the same love back.

Sonia: Considering the other articles that we've riffed... we wonder why.

We consulted the guys at ModernMan.com for their take on the ego-boosting compliments guys are secretly craving from you.

Amy: If it sounds egotistical, I'm more likely to slap the guys with paper fans.

By Korin Miller

Sonic: I can never understand why they can't put the "By blah blah de blah" thing earlier.

"No One Makes Me Laugh Like You Do"

Manic: Warning: If your name is Pauly Shore or Tom Green, she will not say that to you.

Guys place a lot of weight on being funny, and they want to know you dig their sense of humor, too.

Sonia: And if your sense of humor revolves entirely around toilet humor, I'm more likely to throw an actual toilet at you.

This statement is better than a simple "you're hilarious!" because it broadcasts that he's the funniest guy you know-a massive ego-booster.

Amy: So... if he's terrible, you're saying that I have to lie?
Manic: Why not? Lying gets everyone far in relationships. Little white lies, I mean.

"You Give The Best Advice"
Not only do men like to be asked to help solve problems, they want to know that you're listening (and appreciating) what they have to say.

Sonic, Manic: *clapping* Thank you, thank you!

Related: Top 10 Things He Doesn't Want to Hear About Your Ex

Sonia: You know, stuff like, "Oh, when he made waffles, an ingredient wasn't hot sauce."
Sonic: Sis... are you dating El Fuerte?

"You're So Big"

Manic: That's a damn lie, and you all know it.

That's pretty much a given, right?

Amy: No... not really... I think.

Even if they're crazy well-endowed, a lot of guys aren't sure how they stack up against other, uh, manhoods-they want to hear that you're impressed.

Sonic: Wait, stop. You're telling me that they need to be happy over their sausage size?
Amy: No wonder I keep reading about twelve-inch penises in bad fanfics.
Sonic: I... never mind.

If you've been with a guy for a while, try "I don't know if I'll ever get used to how big you are."

Sonia: And then watch her exaggerate the penis size to her friends.

"Your Arms Look Sexy"

Sonia: Question. What if he has a tiny head? Yes, I'm referring to the one on his shoulders.
Manic: That's why you should say that compliment.

If your guy logs time at the gym, he wants his hard work to be acknowledged.

Amy: But in another Cosmo article, that was a sign that he was "cheating in the summer".
Sonic: Aren't mixed messages beautiful, Ames?

Try complimenting him on his triceps-it seems more genuine than talking about his biceps.

Sonia: Is there a real difference in that? Because I don't see one.

Related: 8 Times He Wants You to Brag About Him

Manic: During sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex... in the shower.

"Your Butt Looks Amazing in Those Jeans"
Guys aren't used to being objectified-he'll love knowing you think he's a total sex object.

Sonic: Uh... are you sure?

"You're Making Me So Hot Right Now"

Amy: Get the hose!

Pretty much anything you can say during sex or foreplay that lets him know he's doing the right moves is a winner.

Manic: This one book says that I have to twist myself like a pretzel for maximum pleasure.
Sonia: And then you'll have to go to a chiropractor so he or she can obtain maximum profit.

Related: 6 Ways to Win Over His Friends

Sonia: Wear skimpy clothing. Chances are that they have little imagination.
Sonic: Article advice again?
Sonia: No. Bad fanfiction advice.

"You're So Good At _____"
Even if he's freaking Michael Phelps, your man wants to know that you're aware he has some serious skills. Call it out when he has a great moment, whether it's playing guitar, killing it at co-ed softball, or whipping up a delish meal.

Amy: Question! What if he has no arms?
Manic: Then he's screwed...? I don't know.

"I Feel Safe When I'm With You"
No matter how independent you are,

Sonic: *coughShylohcough*
Amy: "Independent", my butt.

your guy wants to know that he makes you feel protected (even if you are the spider-killer in your relationship).

Manic: Yes, even Ryu can feel better about himself!
Sonia: I'd feel better if he could obtain a better personality than plain tissue paper.
Manic: Oh, so much standards.

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