Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 8: New Allies or New Enemies? (Part One)

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Note: This fic uses the names from the original English dub.

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Cassy: *lazily waves a hand around* Yeah, yeah, we know, dude.

...- Anna's telepathic bond

/.../ - Sakura's telepathic bond

'...' - thoughts

Italics - Dreaming

Miyuki: I'm already confused. Couldn't the author just put the stuff in italics and specify that?
Benimaru: Nope. That's way too easy.

CHAPTER ONE

Serena's POV

I suddenly appeared in the Moon Kingdom, but it wasn't in ruins. In what appears to be the garden, I see three girls. I immediately recognized one of them as my past self, Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom. The tallest of the three was wearing a strapless white gown that reached the floor. It was a little tight around the chest but from the waist down it flared out just a little bit. The top and bottom part of the dress was outlined in gold, and there was a silver 8-pointed star linked chain around the waistline. Her hair, which was lavender with some silver streaks, was up in 2 small buns with streamers falling down from them with pearls lining the buns. The other girl was wearing a similar dress as the taller one except it was a gold color outlined in red and without the chain around the waistline. Her hair was shoulder-length blond with what seemed to be a few red streaks. I couldn't see their faces because they were hidden in shadow. All I could see were their eyes. The taller one had sapphire blue eyes while the other one had brown eyes. Although I don't know who the other two were, they seem to be very familiar to me.

Kaoru: ...that's a dream? That felt more like a regular fanfic description.
Miyuki: That's 'cause it was.

Normal POV

"OH NOOOOO!" yelled Serena Tsukino as she shot out of bed. "I'm going to be so LATE!" In one minute, she was ready and shot out the door.

Serena was just down the hall when the bell rang. She quickly ran into the classroom.

Benimaru: *rubs his neck* Well, thank you for the badly done transition!

"SERENA TSUKINO, YOU'RE LATE AGAIN! DETENTION AFTER SCHOOL! Now go sit down," yelled Ms. Haruna. She was about to start class again when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," she called. The secretary came in and talked to Ms. Haruna in an undertone for a couple of seconds and then left. "Okay, class, we have two new students today. They just moved from Los Angeles, California in the United States, so welcome them to Juuban High School."

Cassy: How 'bout no? How 'bout you bite me? How 'bout--
Benimaru: I think we get it, Cassy.

In walked two beautiful girls.

Cassy: To take a page from Axl... *as Axl* You misspelled "horrific looking", Suethor.
Kaoru: And there's the first sign of a terrible fanfiction... we're told that they're beautiful.

One girl was about 6'1'' with silver hair that had some lavender streaks in it. Her hair was tied back in a braid that ended at her ankles and bangs that formed a kind of heart in the center of her forehead, like Serena's. She had pale, smooth skin and sparkling sapphire blue eyes with some silver flecks. The second girl was around 5'8'' with lightly tanned skin. Her hair was shoulder-length and blond with some red streaks. It was all loose except for one thin braid on one side of her head. She had laughing brown eyes with some gold flecks.

Miyuki: "Laughing brown eyes"? If that's not the dumbest description I've ever heard, it sure ranks up there.
Benimaru: Does that count as the second sign of a bad fanfic?
Cassy: I thought the Suetiful descriptions created the whole sign.
Kaoru: It does.

By the time they reached the front of the room, all the boys were drooling, with some jealous looks from the girls.

All: *facepalms*
Benimaru: This is not going to end well.
Kaoru: *as she pulls out the mop and bucket* Oh, we know it won't end well. And that sentence just signified the third sign of a terrible fanfiction.

"Okay, girls, why don't you introduce yourselves," Ms. Haruna said. "Tell us a little about yourselves."

Cassy, Benimaru, Miyuki: No!
Cassy: *panicked* Does this screen have a plug?!
Benimaru: *searches for one* I don't see one, Cassy. *sits back down* Well, we're pretty much screwed, aren't we?

The silver-haired girl started first. "Hello, my name is Sakura Cosmos." To some people, her voice was melodious.

Benimaru: Sakura... Cosmos? From Los Angeles?! What the hell?!
Cassy: A "melodious" voice? Yeah, and I know a legit Nigerian prince.
Miyuki: *headdesks* This! Is! Stupid!
Kaoru: *places a pillow on the table to halt Miyuki*
Miyuki: *rests her head on the pillow, groans*

"Hi! My name is Anna Lexi!" chirped the blond girl. Her voice sounded like twinkling bells.

Benimaru: *facepalms* No... it does not.
Kaoru: *while mopping* There's the fourth sign. And what in the world is an "Anna Lexi"?
Cassy: Sounds like some sort of disease.

"We're cousins," they stated in unison. "And anyone who tried to hit on us will regret it."

All: ...
Miyuki: *mumbling into the pillow* How many chapters do we have left of this crap?
Benimaru: After this one? Eight.
Miyuki: *flatly* Oh, happy day.

"Thank you, girls. Now, there are two empty seats behind Serena. Serena, raise your hand, please," said Ms. Haruna.

Sakura's POV

Kaoru: I wonder why Suethors can't stay in one POV for at least a chapter. It must be tedious to switch between the first and third points so quickly.

After we took our seats, the teacher started class. I didn't pay much attention since I already knew this stuff.

Kaoru: *mops up another puddle* Fifth sign...
Cassy: *twitches*
Miyuki: Then why the hell are you here, Sue?!
Benimaru: *sighs* Because we have to know how smart the Mary Sues are. And it's also because they have to be closer to Serena.

I noticed that the girl in front of me, Serena, wasn't paying attention either. Instead, she was sleeping on her desk. I recognized her easily enough.

'So this is the reincarnation of Serenity. It's a little hard to believe.' Sakura thought to herself.

Kaoru: *sighs* Sixth sign...
Miyuki: And she already knows who Serenity is?! You know what?! *gets up, throws her pillow at the screen* Screw this fic! I quit!
Cassy: Already? At least take a few minutes to collect yourself, dude.
Miyuki: Fine. *leaves the room*

...Sakura...Suddenly, I heard Anna's voice in my head. Our telepathic bond really helps when we don't want others listening in on our conversations.

Benimaru: Because they're too good to pass notes around like the other peons.
Kaoru: *continues mopping* Something tells me that this will continue for the next eight chapters. And there's the seventh sign.

/Hey, Anna, what is it?/

...Hi. It's about Serena. I know she's the reincarnation of Serenity, but it's a little hard to believe...Anna thought, casting a glance at the sleeping form of Serena.

Cassy: Did the author just copy and paste a line?
Kaoru: Yes... and it's a little hard to believe.

/I know. Believe me though, she is. It seems as if she's just trying to live her own life by being her own person. Either that or she is really like that in this lifetime./ Sakura observed.

...It's most likely the latter though...

Cassy: Hey, you know. All 16 year old girls were the true epitome of class! Jeez, are you two Sues done crapping on her yet?

/I agree. We'll soon see how powerful she's gotten so far. She's going to need her strength now that Chaos and Diamond is back, stronger than ever. But you better bring yourself back to reality, Ms. Haruna is asking you a question, and it looks like she's getting impatient./

Kaoru: Wait, why is Prince Diamond back? He wasn't the main villain of the Black Moon arc... nor was he a descendant of Chaos.
Benimaru: I don't know. Suethor just needed an excuse to toss him in there.

Normal POV

"Anna, can you please give us the answer to the problem, 3x 4 37, which is on the board," Ms. Haruna requested. When she didn't get an answer, she looked up to see a spaced-out Anna Lexi.

Miyuki: *returns, sits back down* Yeah, you better answer, Miss Disease.

She walked up to her desk and waited for a few seconds, then smacked her ruler on her desk.

Anna looked up, startled. "Yes, ma'am?" she asked.

"Miss Lexi, please answer the question on the board," Ms. Haruna repeated impatiently.

Anna nodded and glanced briefly at the board. "X 11," she answered calmly.

Ms. Haruna and the whole class with the exception of Sakura (and Serena, who was still snoozing away) looked pretty surprised that she answered it so quickly when it seemed as if she wasn't paying any attention at all.

All: ...
Kaoru: *mops up another puddle* Eighth sign...
Miyuki: I think my blood pressure rose again. Maybe I should avoid salty foods for a while.
Cassy, Benimaru: *stares at a paper*
Cassy: Man, this fic sucks. Is it too early to stamp "Epic Failure" on it?
Benimaru: I don't know, Cassy. I can tell you that I'm pretty damn close to doing that, though.

AFTER SCHOOL

When the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day,

Cassy: *removes her dunce cap* No, really? I guess the words "AFTER SCHOOL" weren't enough of a hint!

Sakura and Anna walked toward the exit of the school. As they stepped out of the building into the schoolyard, they saw a group of boys coming up to them and preventing them from walking any further.

Kaoru: Did they just form a chorus line?

"Hey, babe, how about going out on a date with me tonight? We could go see a movie, have a dinner, and then hang out at my place afterwards," said one of the boys, who seemed to be the leader of the group, to Sakura. One of his thugs seemed to be hitting on Anna at the same time.

Miyuki: *in a monotone voice* Oh, look. The Sues are so wonderful that slimy guys have to hit on them. Watch them beat the guys up in a second.

"No, thanks. Sorry, but I'm not interested," said Sakura in a cold, emotionless voice.

"Neither am I, for that matter," stated Anna in the same tone as Sakura.

Benimaru: I'm interested in this fic ending, though. I can't believe that it's already trying my patience in the first chapter.
Cassy: And why're they speaking in the same tone of voice? Are they robots?
Miyuki: Yep.

"Aah, too bad because we don't take no as an answer," said the leader with a sly tone. By now, there was a large crowd around them, watching their interaction with interest.

Kaoru: *mops up another puddle* I would consider that a sign, but that usually happens in various situations.
Cassy: No, keep watching! No need to interfere and get in the way of the Sues' specialness!
Miyuki: God, I hate this fic.

"Well, you're going to have to because we're just not interested," the girls stated together.

Benimaru: Okay... those two saying stuff at the same time is creeping me the heck out. Are they from a horror movie?
Cassy, Miyuki: Come play with us, Benimaru...
Benimaru: Oh, god.

"What's wrong, can't get it into your thick skulls that you're not desirable to us?" said Sakura with an amused tone.

"Or are you just incredibly stupid?" stated Anna with a smirk. The crowd gasped because the boys were the most popular and most desirable to many girls in the school.

Miyuki: But of course they're not desirable enough for the Sues! *mutters* Can I call my backup? Please?
Cassy: Only if your backup isn't Emi.
Miyuki: Crap. Time to think of someone else, then.
Kaoru: To be honest, I'm disgusted at both parties; the boys refuse to take "no" for an answer because they're so entitled, and the girls... well, you all know that they're Mary Sues.

"Why, you," the leader growled. "Get them!" he yelled at the other boys behind him. They all rushed at the girls. The crowd looked on in horror and then amazement as Sakura and Anna worked together to fight back. Their movements were synchronized and by the time they were finished, all the boys were beaten up with bruised on their body. The crowd cheered for the girls as they left school.

All: ...
Kaoru: *mops up yet another puddle*
Cassy, Benimaru, Miyuki: I quit! *leaves*
Kaoru: *sighs, sits down* Ninth sign. I guess that's another five minute break. I should make some tea while I'm waiting...
*Five minutes later*
Cassy, Benimaru, Miyuki: *sits down*
Kaoru: Are you three good to continue now?
Cassy, Benimaru, Miyuki: *grumbling*
Kaoru: I suppose that's a "yes", then. *pours a cup of tea* Would any one of you care for a cup?
Benimaru: *raises a hand* Please.

They had only just walked a block away from the school when they heard someone calling them. "Sakura! Anna!" Both girls turned around to find Serena with 4 other girls walking towards them.

"Hey, Serena, who're your friends?" Anna asked.

"Hi, Sakura, Anna! I'd like you to meet Amy, the one with the book, Mina, the one who looks like me, Raye, the raven-haired one, and Lita, the tallest of us all!" replied Serena cheerfully.

"Hey, nice to meet you two," Raye replied.

"Yeah, you girls have great fighting skills. Those guys certainly deserved it after the way they behaved," complimented Lita.

Cassy: Yes, they basically deserved it. No, I'm not a fan of the canon characters shilling these stupid wastes of oxygen.

"It was really amazing. No one has ever rejected Tom before. Tom was the leader in a way," said Mina cheerfully.

Kaoru: Shilling and the fact that nobody's rejected that person before... tenth sign.
Cassy: Well, he did say that they didn't take "no" for an answer.
Kaoru: I'm sure that somebody said "no" to him at one point... unless he was specifically created just to be beaten up. I still believe that it's a tenth sign.
Benimaru: I bet you that he definitely was created just to be beaten up. And how many Japanese guys are named Tom, eh?
Miyuki: It's possible. I mean, it's based off of the dubbed anime, so...
Benimaru: Yeah, but still.

"Should you have done that, though?" Amy asked worriedly. "You can get into really big trouble for fighting on school grounds."

"It's really nice to meet you," Sakura and Anna replied, bowing politely.

"What do you mean we were fighting, Amy? We were merely defending ourselves," said Anna.

"Anyway," Serena interrupted, "we'd like to know if you'd like to hang out with us?"

"Sorry, we can't. We still have some unpacking to do," replied Sakura politely. "Maybe some other time."

"Yeah, we'll see you some other time," said Anna.

Benimaru: Good lord, they're scaring me. They keep saying the same freaking things.
Cassy: They're the Sues of the Corn.

Scouts' POV

Kaoru: *reads ahead a little* No, that's third person POV.
Miyuki: Unless you want to read five people talking all at once...
Benimaru: And read an even bigger mess? No, thank you.

After the new girls left, Serena and her friends headed for the arcade. Suddenly they heard a scream. The girls glanced at each other and nodded. They all ran into a nearby alley and took out their transformation items. They raised them into the air.

"Mars Crystal Power..."

"Mercury Crystal Power..."

"Jupiter Crystal Power..."

"Venus Crystal Power..."

"Moon Eternal..."

"MAKE-UP!" they all shouted.

Cassy: Well, it looks like Serena didn't get nerfed this time!
Kaoru: That's a relief to hear... for now.

After they all transformed, they ran towards the scream. They found a snake-like youma. The outer scouts were already there but they were having a lot of trouble. Suddenly, the youma sprayed acid on them and then pushed them into some trees with its tail. Then the inners tried their attacks but they just bounced back right at them and they all got hit. Even Sailor Moon's eternal tier didn't work! The youma was just too strong for them. In just a few minutes, all the scouts were all gravely injured and too weak to get up. The youma was getting ready to finish them off...

All: *confused*
Benimaru: I don't know if I should call this the most confusing paragraph or the worst paragraph I've read so far.
Miyuki: Both. I'd say both.
Cassy: Especially since Eternal Sailor Moon can't beat a youma, of all things. Isn't Eternal Sailor Moon like... one step below Neo-Queen Serenity in terms of power?
Kaoru: I believe so. Then again, this is a bad fanfiction. The Mary Sues have to be stronger than her. And that's an eleventh sign.

Cliffhanger!!

Cassy: The hell's this?
Benimaru: *in a bored tone* A "cliffhanger".
Miyuki: It's bullshit, that's what it is.

To find out if the scouts are really going to be destroyed after all their hard work to save the world, then send me reviews and I'll update as soon as I can.

Cosmos270

Miyuki: Did this author just... hold her fanfiction hostage?
Kaoru: Yes, she did. And that's the twelfth sign.
Benimaru: *facepalms* This is going to be hell to riff now.
Cassy: *rests her feet on the table* You're telling me, dude.

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