Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 7: Rainbow Eclipse (Part Five)

--

Miyu: Ask Sony Love. Trust me, I've worked with her fics.
Emi: *stares at Miyu* I've read the three that had me in them. I've never looked so... dull.
Axl: "Dull" is quite an understatement.

Thank you's are huge this time, as I feel compelled to thank bhandy and gummiebear for all their help with the evil sorcerer Writer's Block. Thanks guys! As always, a major thank you to Mary Ann and Corie, who would be angry (and rightly so) if I did not acknowledge the huge sacrifice of time and energy they gave listening to me wail and complain.

Miyu: *as the Suethor* I don't know how I'm supposed to make myself so wonderful in my fic! Help!
Akiko: Self-insert time!
Axl: It starts in this chapter, huh?
Akiko: Yep.

Disclaimer: The usual...Sailor Moon, not mine, blah, blah, blah.

Miyu: "Blah, blah, blah".
Axl: That's how I'm interpreting this fic.
Miyu: That's because your eyes glaze over when you attempt to do that, Axl.

Rainbow Eclipse
Rated PG (no violence)

Chapter 7
Explanations

Akiko: *with a bag of popcorn* Ooh! I wanna see how Jay managed to write herself into a corner this time!
Emi: She's already in a corner, Akiko. Are you trying to see if she can write herself into the wall?
Akiko: Oh, you know she will.

Serena was drifting pleasantly on a wave of darkness.

Emi: "Darkness"? You know... Sonic goes into a conniption fit every time he hears that word.

The wave was rolling her toward something, but Serena didn't pay much attention to the destination. All she knew was the calming sensation of moving forward.

Axl: Know what else is calming? This fic ending.
Rory: *still working on the door* You've been throwing that "end the fic" card a lot this time around, Ax.
Axl: Just fix the damn door, Rory.
Rory: Okay, but I'm just saying...

Lazily, her mind drifted toward consciousness. Serena groaned as her body became more and more aware of a throbbing pain in various parts of her anatomy.

Akiko: *with a mouthful of popcorn* Uh... what did the Sue do to her? Hope she didn't put her staff in her--
Miyu: Akiko!
Akiko: What?

Opening her eyes slowly, Serena pressed them tightly shut almost immediately, shielding her eyes from the brilliant light that was pouring in the room.

Axl: The angry sun came back!
Emi: *sighs* It's just a light bulb. I don't know why this fic tries to make everyday items so brilliant.

Cautiously opening her eyes once more, Serena squinted, noting that there was actually very little light in the room, the gauzy drapes blocking more sun than Serena would have expected.

Miyu: Wait... the light was brilliant, but now it's dim?
Akiko: We gotta get back to Jay being wonderful, Miyu-chan! Who cares about silly little things like "details"?

Opening her eyes a bit wider, Serena noted that she was still in her uniform. Gasping, she reached for her brooch and powered down, returning to her normal street clothes. Sitting up, the light coverlet, which had been keeping her warm, slid to Serena's lap.

Emi: Sure, a coverlet. Only the finest for our Sue of the day.

Serena noted that she was in a very normal looking bedroom.

Axl: *puts on his headphones* I do not want to care. I do not need to care.
Emi: *removes Axl's headphones* You may want to "care" with us, Mr. James.
Axl: *snatches his headphones from Emi, puts them back on, closes his eyes* Nope. Not until the "plot" continues.

A desk was placed on the floor near the bed, while a small chest next to the bed held a lamp. A large bookshelf stood against the opposite wall. Serena stood quickly and was forced down again by the dizzy sensation that left her head spinning. Pushing herself up more slowly, Serena gained her balance then crossed to the bookshelf. Running her fingers along the spines, Serena saw there were books on virtually every subject. Art, music, theatre, astronomy and science books were shelved by subject in alphabetical order. Serena also saw, to her delight, that there were also many manga series, some completed some not.

Akiko: Seriously, this fic is screaming "self-insert" right now.
Miyu: It's screaming and breaking windows, actually.

The sounds of faint laughter drew Serena's attention toward the door, which was partially closed.

Emi: If that's a room full of Mary Sues, I'm going to jump out of the window.
Axl: *lazily opens one eye* Try not to hurt yourself on the giant dunce cap on the way down.

Pulling it open, Serena stepped into a non-descript hallway, punctuated by framed photographs and inspirational sayings. One picture caught Serena's attention. Stopping, Serena looked at a white greeting card with a rainbow painted across it.

Akiko: *hits her riffmates' heads with her toy sledgehammer* Symbolism!
Axl: *grabs the sledgehammer, throws it*
Rory: Hey! That stupid thing just hit me in the head!
Axl: Oops.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Serena murmured, reading the silver calligraphy that gleamed on the card. "Eleanor Roosevelt."

Emi: And the Sue tries too hard to be deep. Wonderful.

Smiling slightly at the uplifting quotation, Serena continued down the hall, moving toward the voices that were chattering softly. Reaching the end of the hallway, Serena peered around the corner, and her breath caught.

Miyu: Well. Looks like she choked to death.
Akiko: Ah, we weren't missing anything, anyway.

Serena was looking at one of the coolest rooms she had ever seen.

Rory: *as he gets up* Okay! Done with the door here-- *slips on a puddle and falls on the floor* Oh, god!
Emi: Oh, no! *helps Rory up* Are you okay, Mr. Hancock?
Rory: Yeah, I think so. Where'd that random puddle come from?
Emi: You... don't want to know. Why don't you just take a shower and get into some clean clothes of yours?
Rory: I was going to do that, anyway. *as he leaves* Thanks, Emi.
Emi: *sighs, gets the mop and bucket* This shilling is so bad that it nearly broke Mr. Hancock's back.

Prisms of various shapes and sizes glittered in the sliding glass window, which led out onto a balcony. The balcony was covered in multicolored flowers, arranged to give the balcony the appearance of a large floral garden. Inside the room, Celtic music played from a stereo set in a pickled pine entertainment center. A television set, lots of CD's, and a full movie library were also set in various nooks in the entertainment center. More books filled the rest of the space. An overstuffed sofa took up most of one wall, and beanbag chairs were littered haphazardly around the room. Two regular chairs were placed strategically near the sofa. A hanging planter was in the corner, small, multicolored flowers cascading down from it like a waterfall. A large poster sporting the word "RENT" hung above the sofa, and the other walls were dotted with pictures and other posters. All hangings were framed. A ceiling fan sported sparkling rainbow streamers, which spun out lazily as the fan turned. A low table sat near the sofa and chairs, a tile mosaic of the solar system decorating its top.

Akiko: *holds up a sign that says "I Don't Care"*
Miyu: *taps Axl's shoulder* I think the "plot" is starting again.
Axl: *removes his headphones* Fine. Christ, can this fic be any more boring?

Four people were lounging in the room; one lying stretched out on the couch, one lounging in a royal blue chair and the other two on overstuffed beanbag chairs. The girl on the couch glanced up, and her eyes met Serena's with a welcoming smile.

Emi: Yes, a welcoming smile... after you tried to kill her. Sue, you need to be in a strait jacket.

"Good morning merry sunshine. How did you wake so soon?" she said.

Axl: And that's the first thing you say after attempted murder?
Miyu: Well, she is with her friends. Maybe she's putting on a mask to avoid the obvious.
Axl: It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, though.

"You!" Serena gasped.

"Yes, me. You were expecting, maybe, someone else?" Destiny teased.

Akiko: Yeah, like a better original character who doesn't pee on canon.

"Let me introduce you. The girl on the couch is Corie."

Miyu: *bored* And here's the self-insert crew.
Akiko: Yep.
Emi: Well... I usually assumed that the author's traits would be in their characters.
Axl: Yeah, but not when it's supposed to overshadow everyone else.

"Hey! What's up?" chirped the pixie on the couch. Corie sat up, her long white-blond hair flying in all directions. Her blue eyes sparkled merrily as she reached for a glass sitting on the table.

Axl: Great. Now we'll have to rinse the glitter out of her eyeballs.

Dressed in black vinyl boots that zipped up to her thigh, a short black skirt and a sky blue top, Corie was the epitome of diva, and Serena stared at her with a mixture of envy and awe.

Axl: *puts his headphones back on* Not dealing with this filler crap, either.
Emi: Great. Now the Sue's self-insert friends are better than the main character as well? Oh, this fic is garbage.
Akiko: I don't think that the garbage wants to be associated with that. Garbage is a lot more classy.
Emi: So... Master Kyo's poetry is better than garbage, then?
Akiko: No, your sister told me that it was garbage.

"The chick on the green beanbag is Mary Ann."

"Yo." Mary Ann gestured to Serena with careless wave of her hand. Mary Ann's brown hair was tiger-striped, and the evenly spaced yellow streaks that stretched from her scalp to the tips of her hair gave her the look of a jungle cat. A leopard print unitard with a gauzy black miniskirt, combat boots and a black beret only added to the image. Mary Ann glanced over at Serena, and cat green eyes sized her up, sending chills up and down Serena's spine.

Axl: *now asleep*
Emi: *gives the mop and bucket to Miyu*
Miyu: *passes the mop and bucket to Akiko*
Akiko: *passes the mop and bucket to Emi*
Emi: *places the mop and bucket next to Axl*

"And last, but certainly not least, Skott."

"That's Skott with a 'k'," the boy said, giving Serena a winning smile that made her blush.

Akiko: That's kool. Maybe we kan just stop with this krap now.
Miyu: Does this mean that we will be playing some "Mortal Combat" after this?
Emi: *giggles* You two...

Skott was nothing short of gorgeous. He wore a ragged denim vest over a black T-shirt that read 'It's okay to be jealous, not everyone can be me.'

Emi: *bluntly* Why would I want to be bland to begin with?

His blue jeans had seen better days, but he looked great in them. Cowboy boots and deep green hair, complemented by equally green eyes, completed the ensemble. Serena felt distinctly at a disadvantage in her stripped skirt and white blouse.

Miyu: Are we done making the main character feel insecure about herself yet?
Emi: Well, she's always admired different styles. But this is just bad character shilling.
Akiko: This is just bad writing, period.

One glance at Destiny proved that she fit right in.

Akiko: *looks at the puddle* Wait, did that just move by itself?
Miyu: Don't be silly, Akiko. It's just a puddle.

A spandex shirt in army forest camouflage print and dog tags were only the beginning. Her long, curly hair was caught back from her face in a ponytail, tied with a matching bandana. Nicely fitting black jeans shorts and boots that cross-laced all the way up to her knees finished the stunning outfit. Serena tugged at her skirt self-consciously, aware of how young she must look when compared to these people.

Emi: *looks at the puddle, panics* Miss Prower?! Akiko's right; it is moving!
Miyu: Oh, my goodness! *uses her telekinesis to stop the puddle* Okay, someone mop that up, please!
Axl: *wakes up, removes his headphones* Hey, did the "plot" begin yet?
Miyu: In a moment, Axl! The puddle is moving!
Axl: *turns to the audience* I just had to riff a crappy fic with wank puddles that moved on their own. Thanks, head writer.

"We gotta go." Mary Ann said, pushing herself out of the beanbag chair. "You still clubbing with us tonight, girl?"

"Yeah," Destiny replied. " Ten o'clock, right?"

"Yup," Skott answered, pulling Corey off the couch.

Emi: *sarcastically* You did a wonderful job of being inconsistent with your friend's name, Miss Kirishima.

"At the Sunset Mirage. Hey, bring your friend."

Axl: Yeah, because friends are people that you nearly kill.

Serena blushed as Skott gave her a sly wink.

"Dial 1-800-YOU-WISH." Destiny said as she pushed them toward the door. "Good-bye. See you tonight."

"You bringin' the bike?" Skott asked.

"Well, duh. Now go! Go! Away with you!" Destiny stated as she pushed the door firmly shut.

Miyu: I'm curious about this bike. Did you read ahead again, Akiko?
Akiko: Yep. You already know it's going to be stupid.
Axl: What part of this stupid fic isn't stupid?
Akiko: Uh... that's a good question. I'm going to have to get back to you on that one.

"So, welcome to my humble abode. You like?" Destiny asked, her attention now on Serena.

Emi: *bluntly* No.
Axl: *snorts out a laugh*

"Yeah." Serena said, a tremor in her voice.

"Hungry?" Destiny asked. At Serena's vehement nod, Destiny turned toward the kitchen. "You should be. You've been unconscious for 15 hours."

Akiko: What is this place that you call a... "hospital"? Is it only in fairy tales?

"15 hours?" Serena repeated, shock coloring her voice. "Oh, god, my parents… Darien…my friends…do they know where I am?"

Destiny didn't even acknowledge the question.

Miyu, Emi: *glares at the screen*
Axl: This asshole...

"Omelet sound good?"

"Sure." Serena muttered vaguely, worry clouding her features.

"Look around if you want. You'll be here for a while. Not that I'm holding you for ransom or anything,

Akiko: *as Destiny* ...which I totally am because I want you and the audience to see how awesome I am...

but I want to make sure that you're really okay before I turn you loose. You have quite a lump on your head." Destiny said, her eyes on the steaming skillet on the stove.

Emi: Serena's been unconscious for over half a day. You won't take her to a hospital. And you offer her an omelet instead of any proper health care. Is your brain that tiny, Sue?
Akiko: The Sue can't hear you over her self praise, Emi. May I suggest stapling her mouth shut?
Emi: I'll take that suggestion.

"Okay, I have cheese, tomatoes, chives, green pepper, dried squid and carrots. You want any of those in your omelet?"

Miyu: Not if you poisoned it. I'll make my own omelet, thank you.

"Cheese, tomatoes and chives, please."

"Coming right up."

While Destiny cooked, Serena drifted toward the entertainment center.

"Notting Hill, Runaway Bride, Alien, Alien 2, Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, Pretty Woman, The Matrix, First Contact, The Breakfast Club, The Shawshank Redemption… Wow, you have a lot of movies."

"Yeah, I took a few film courses in college."

Axl: *whispers loudly* Shh. The Sue thinks she's sophisticated. Humor her.
Akiko: *with a glass of fruit juice and a tray of cheese* Trying... this is kinda hard. I hope Jay doesn't see me like this.

"You have a lot of American stuff…movies, posters, books."

"My dad was American and my mom was Japanese.

Emi, Axl, Akiko: *looks at Miyu*
Miyu: Oh. *holds up pictures of Benimaru and Jessie* I'm not alone, either! Though... Mr. Nikaido's mother is American and his father is Japanese... but still!

We lived in the States during the year, but we spent summers in Japan. When my mom died, I came back to settle her affairs, and really fell in love with Tokyo. So I got a job and stayed. But I went back to Washington and got most of my stuff."

Emi: What is it with Mary Sues invading my home country? It's not a breeze to live here! We have more things than ramen, anime, school outfits, and pocky, you know!
Axl: Yeah. Care to explain the panties in those vending machines?
Emi: Mr. James, that's not my department.

"What about your friends?"

"It's a kind of work exchange program. American computer nerds come to Japan for up to five years to work and experience another culture. If they like it, they can sometimes get a permanent position and stay. Mary Ann and Skott are computer analysts and Corey is an electronic technician."

Miyu: *unfazed* She just pulled this stuff out of her behind, didn't she?
Akiko: Yes. Yes, she did.

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"Do you work with computers?"

"Sometimes. I'm a professional hacker, which is the slang term for systems analyst. I try and break into computer files for companies. If I can do it, I show them the flaws in their system. If I can't, I get paid for trying."

Akiko: *flatly* What.
Axl: Whoops! I just rolled my eyes and they're lost in the back of my head!
Emi: *sighs* Time for the mop and bucket again...
Axl: *picks up the mop and bucket* I'll do it...

"Is that all you do?"

"No. I write fiction pieces for magazines, take photographs and play five instruments in various bands. I speak four languages fluently, so I occasionally work as a translator. And I have been known to dabble in modeling."

Emi: ...
Akiko: Okay, this is just stupid. Well, this fic's already stupid, but this just topped itself. This is advanced stupid!
Axl: *as he's mopping* Whoops! My eyes just fell out of the back of my head!
Miyu: Then you need to see a doctor, Axl. That isn't normal.

"What instruments?"

"Piano, rhythm and electric guitar, bass, drums and sax. I count the two guitars as one instrument."

Axl: No, dumbass. That's two different kinds of guitars. You play six instruments, and you're getting on my last damn nerve. Every time I mop up a puddle, a new one just comes out of nowhere.
Emi: I thought she broke your last nerve. She's just going for extras now, Mr. James.
Akiko: Wow. Jay doesn't have a working brain cell and she can't count to six?
Emi: *in a low voice* That's not new...

"Languages?"

"English, Japanese, Spanish and French. But enough about me. Omelet's ready."

Axl: *grumbles* Damn puddles...
Emi: "But enough about me"? Ha! Mary Sue, everything's about you. You need to suck everyone's life force like you're an energy vampire or you will shrivel up and die!

Destiny moved the steaming omelet onto a white plate with a rainbow border and moved toward Serena. Handing her the plate, Destiny went back to the kitchen to retrieve eating utensils and napkins. Serena moved toward the sofa, setting her plate down on the beautiful table top. She sat down and waited impatiently for Destiny to join her. When her host sat down in the royal blue chair, Serena opened fire.

"Are you Sailor Eclipse?"

All: Yes, she is.
Miyu: This Suethor depowered the main character and turned her into a child with the attention span of a fruit fly... but managed to make her figure out the identity of the Sue in a split second. What in the world is going on here?
Akiko: It's about the Sue. Everyone has to know her name. You know, like that bar...
Axl: Cheers?
Akiko: Yeah, that's the place.
Axl: Glad you know. *snickers* Rory would've said that he doesn't have a glass to toast with.
Emi: *rereads the paragraphs* Of course Serena would figure out that the Sue is Sailor Eclipse! A white plate with a rainbow border? A greeting card that has a rainbow on it? I thought that the Senshi were supposed to hide their identities!
Axl: *stunned* Wow. Great. So the Suethor just made her Sue even dumber. *claps slowly* Wonderful.

"Well," Destiny sighed, "So much for small talk. Right to the point."

"Are you?"

"Am I what? Gorgeous? Awe inspiring?"

Emi: Infuriating?
Akiko: Annoying?
Miyu: *rubs her forehead* Headache inducing?
Axl: About to make me vomit all over you in disgust?
Miyu: Then vomit in the bucket, please. I need an aspirin.

"Are you Sailor Eclipse?"

"Can't put anything past you. Yes, yes I am."

"Why did you attack me?"

"Impulse. I didn't have a reason. I just did it. I hit you a little hard, but in the heat of battle, these things happen."

Emi: *twitches*
Akiko: *looks at Emi* Uh-oh.
Miyu: *facepalms, screams in agony* Why am I still reading this awful tripe?!
Axl: Unfortunately, it's because the random number generator said so.

"Why are you after Darien?"

Axl: Because she's an idiot. Next question!

"You know, I didn't think it was possible for you to be any more vacuous, but I can see I was mistaken. I was reading your mind while you were unconscious. I showed you why. Put two and two together for god's sake."

Miyu: *blasts the screen in anger*
Akiko: *stunned* Whoa!
Miyu: *in a low voice* I want my backup. Now. Get her in here before I wipe this horrific Mary Sue's blood and brains all over the nearest batch of hard concrete.
Cassy: *peeks inside, speaks shakily* You... rang...?
Miyu: Cassidy, take my place, please.
Cassy: Okay, but for how long?
Miyu: For the remainder of this and the next chapter. *gets up, leaves* I will be cooling down with Mai in the meantime. Enjoy.
Cassy: *enters the room, sits on the couch* So.
Emi, Axl, Akiko: So.
Cassy: How is this fic, exactly?
Rory: *as he's passing by* It sucks giant monkey balls, Cass!
Emi, Axl, Akiko: What he said. *hands Cassy their notes* Here.
Cassy: ...really, dudes?
Emi, Axl, Akiko: Yes.
*Twenty minutes later*
Cassy: *as she puts the notes down* I'm gonna die! This fic's gonna break me!
Akiko: *points to Axl* It broke him and his buddy. And it broke Miyu-chan. *looks around* Does this mean that we can get a chapter break?
Emi: *shrugs* I guess.

"You hate him because my mother died?"

"That's right. She can be taught."

Emi: Did she just compare Queen Serenity to a pet?!
Axl: What the fuck is wrong with you, Sue?!

"But it wasn't his fault!"

Akiko: *rings a bell* Serena, you are correct! You have won... *reads from a card* ...a jalopy? What the heck is that?
Axl: *snickers* That's an old car, Akiko. Yeah... our budget wasn't all that big to begin with in the vehicle department. All the money's used on the extra screens that we break and blow up.
Akiko: Then you need to invest in some insurance or something.

"That is where you are very, very wrong, princess. It couldn't have been any more his fault. Had he not bragged to all that he could protect the Moon Kingdom single handedly, I would not have been sent away. Then I could have fought, and I would have won." Destiny's eyes were growing colder. "He couldn't even protect you, his true love, from harm."

Akiko: *facepalms* He never bragged about anything, Jay. You were doing all of the bragging yourself. You have a thick head.
Cassy: The hell is this crap?
Emi: *coldly* It is bullshit of the highest caliber, Miss Morgan.
Cassy: Huh. And what's that puddle over there?
Emi: Oh. Well... since the Suethor has a very horrible habit of posturing her self-insert's abilities over the canon characters and the victims -- er, readers, we have to constantly mop puddles up.
Cassy: ...Is that a metaphor for something, dude?
Emi: Yes. And you would want to take a shower if I explained it in full detail.
Axl: *as he's mopping* At this rate, I might as well get hammered on that Bleepka after this.

"That's not true…"

Axl: Serena, you know how Sues don't like to be wrong... even when they friggin' are.

"Isn't it? He was unable to prevent his people from attacking the Moon, and you were killed. Explain that, if you can."

Emi: *stands up, slams her hands on the table* I can, you insufferable crotch spawn!
Cassy, Axl: The hell?
Akiko: *stunned, brushes her hair to the side, widens her eyes* That... doesn't sound like you, Emi... but go ahead. And don't explode into pieces.
Emi: *sits down, sighs* Since Miss Prower isn't present to explain, I'll do it. Did this Mary Sue conveniently forget that her past self saw Queen Metalia... an entity from the Sun... envelop the Earth in a holo-image of sorts? Endymion tried to stop her there, failed, attempted to warn the Moon Kingdom, and died fighting. I still fail to see how that's Endymion's fault, even with that nonsense "explanation" of hers.
Cassy: Dude. Sues have those teeny tiny pea brains. They can't think with their one brain cell.
Akiko: Yeah, that diarrhea of the mouth is much easier for them.

"I killed myself!"

"Yes, you did. Why?"

Axl: Because that was her past life and she was in love with him, you stupid jackass.

"Why?"

"Is there an echo in here? Yes, why? Why kill yourself?"

Akiko: Jeez, Jay. Stop being such a brat.

"Because I…"

"Couldn't live without him."

"Well, yes."

"See? By failing to protect his own life, he ended yours. By dying, and taking you with him, Serenity was forced to use the Imperium Silver Crystal, which drained her life force. He killed her, and you, and the scouts, by dying."

All: *confused*
Akiko: Jay, were you dropped on your head when you were born?
Axl: Or ate paint chips as a child?
Emi: Well, at least Mr. Hancock shouldn't have to worry about being dumb now.
Cassy: Well, Rory's just a bit of a ditz. He's way too far from being dumb.
Axl: Yeah... we're absolutely not in Rory's mind. We're in the mind of a complete moron. I might as well believe that the Sue just drank paint and thought that it was a milkshake, because that brain damage is huge here.

"That's…that logic…it's…"

"Convoluted? Incomprehensible? Yes, I know."

Emi: Then why did you say all of that if you knew that it was stupid?!
Akiko: I want my chapter break!
Axl: *mutters as he puts the mop and bucket away* Man, fuck this shitty fic.
Cassy: *rolls her eyes* I don't even care here.

An uncomfortable silence fell. Serena chewed her omelet in silence. Trying to puzzle out the girl who sat across from her.

Axl: She's a damn moron. There's nothing to figure out.

In no time, the food was gone.

Akiko: Wow, Serena just turned into Emi!
Emi: I don't eat that much...
Akiko: Well, there's denial. That's the first step of... whatever it's called.
Emi: That's grieving, Akiko. I can't really grieve the loss of food... unless a random squirrel invaded my garden or something.
Axl: As a member of the International Squirrel Union, I am offended, young lady.

Serena handed her plate back to Destiny, and stood, walking toward the entertainment center. Photos stood in various niches. One showed a handsome couple standing next to Tokyo Tower, a young girl between them. Another showed Destiny, holding a bright blue electric guitar.

Akiko: As a member of the Electric Guitar Union, I am offended!

Skott sat next to her, holding a base guitar on his lap. Three other people stood or kneeled around them, a tall boy with light brown hair and a tattoo of a snake wrapped around his arm holding drum sticks, Mary Ann leaning on a keyboard and another boy with long blond hair just lounging in the background.

Cassy: I still don't care here.

"Who are these people?" Serena asked.

"Well those are my parents." Destiny said, indicating the couple in the first photo.

"Your parents?"

"Yeah. You didn't think I sprang from the forehead of Galileo fully grown, did you?"

Axl: You're as funny as a brain tumor, Sue.
Emi: With all of your Mary Sue abilities, you might as well have done that! Maybe you kept your past life memories without any loss of them at all!
Cassy: Now you've gone and jinxed the fic, Emi.

Serena didn't answer. "And that's my band, Mystic Visions. You know Skott and Mary Ann. The drummer's name is Harley and the guy holding up the wall is Fabian. He's our resident songwriter. We all help out though."

Akiko: *as Destiny* But I do most of the work because I'm wonderful like that. Remember my modeling and computer skills? And my ability as a translator? Remember? Remember?! Please remember!
Cassy: *as she's opening a bag of barbecue potato chips* I find it stupid that she gets all pissed off when she's asked about the Moon Kingdom, but she's way too eager to talk about herself. This Sue is vapid as heck, man.
Emi: Very hypocritical from the Sue who just called Serena vacuous not too long ago.
Axl: This dumb Sue projects harder than a damn Cineplex on Mars.

"Oh."

Another silence fell. Serena fidgeted.

"Please, leave Darien alone. He hasn't done anything to you."

"I think it's time for you to go."

Akiko: *confused*
Cassy: *as she's eating a few chips* See? Vapid as heck.
Axl: This fic is stupid as heck. And it's making me question my life choices for some reason.
Emi: How did a bad fanfic manage to cause you to question your life, Mr. James?
Axl: I don't know, but it just did!
Cassy: From what Rory told me, you've managed to get out of high school a year early. You've got some serious grades... and a bad fic makes you question your life?
Axl: I think it may have broken my brain.
Akiko: Just like the last fic that he did. Tomo-chan said that he went nuts.

"Go?"

"Yes. Go. It's getting late. Your boy toy must be worried."

Akiko: Someone needs to get that stick out of her behind...

"I can go?"

"Do you always repeat simple ideas?"

Cassy: *crushes her bag of chips* Oh, my god! Why are you such a freakin' asshole, dude?!
Emi: *stunned* That never came out of your mouth before, Miss Morgan...
Cassy: Wow. No wonder Miyu broke so fast.
Axl: *punches Destiny* Oops. My hand slipped.
Akiko: Pfft!

"No…"

"Never mind. You disappeared at around two in the morning. It is now 6:00 p.m. I'm going to erase your memory of the walk away from here. You won't remember where I live. Don't worry," Destiny said, noting Serena's wide eyes.

Axl: Oh, sure. Make everything convenient for you, you damn Sue.
Emi: *hides her face in her hands, moans* I want to leave...
Akiko: I want a chapter break! I want it now!
Axl: That's it. I'm drinking the Bleepka.
Cassy: Bleepka? *tries to remember* Bleepka... *snaps her fingers* Whoa! That was in Jessie's cabinet! She doesn't drink that for a reason!
Axl: That's why I'm getting a shot! I want to forget that this bullshit was on the Internet for at least a whole damn chapter!

" That's the only thing you won't remember. Oh, and by the by, this little…chat…hasn't changed anything. I'm still going to kill Endymion, and I would advise you not to get in my way. Later, sailor." Destiny pressed her cool fingers to Serena's forehead, ignoring her look of shock and fear.

Emi: *pops a tablet into her mouth, slumps in her seat*
Akiko: What in the heck?! *grabs the bottle from Emi's hand* "Bleeprin"?! Okay, I really need a break! What is going on here?!
Cassy: This fic just caused two of our riffers to head to the brain bleach products. This chapter better end before something gets even worse.
Akiko: Yeah. *gets another ice cream pint out* I seriously need some of this...

***

Serena felt like she had lost track of time. The last thing she remembered was Destiny saying 'Later, sailor.'

Akiko: Then she didn't do a good job of erasing her memories entirely.
Cassy: I thought that Sues were supposed to perform with their whole ass, not half of their ass.
Akiko: She used half a butt cheek.
Cassy: Ha!

Looking around bemusedly, Serena noted that she was in downtown Tokyo, only a short walk from her school, home and the arcade. That meant that Darien's apartment wasn't far away either.

Cassy: Jeez, Sue. Were you trying to give her amnesia?
*A thump on the floor is heard.*
Rory: Uh, Cass?! I don't think that foam's supposed to be coming out of Axl's mouth like that!
Cassy: Jesus Christ, dude! Would you call an ambulance?!
Rory: Oh, right!
*Ten minutes later*
Cassy, Rory, Akiko: *sits down on the couch*
Cassy: *sighs* Well. Miyu's with Mai. Emi and Axl have been carted off for treatment. *looks at Akiko* So, uh...
Akiko: I'm Akiko.
Cassy: Right. You're the only one left. Dude, you freaking deserve a chapter break with the way things just went here.
Rory: Yep. That or two chapters. I don't know how long they're gonna be treated for that brain bleach overdose.

Starting off toward Darien's place, Serena cut through the park. A silhouette caught her eye. Gasping, Serena turned toward the striking figure. A man was outlined by the sunset's glitter on the lake. His head was bowed in sorrow and his hands were clenched before him. Ordinarily, Serena would have kept going, but she knew that man, and his profile, by heart.

Rory: Wow, you're dumber than I am, Serena. That's saying a heck of a lot!
Cassy: The Sue made her dumber, dude.

"Darien," she said, love filling her tone. The man's head snapped up, and he looked toward her with haunted eyes.

Akiko: *puts a sheet over her head, makes ghost noises*

"Serena," he breathed, disbelief in his tone. "Serena!"

Cassy: *as Darien* How the heck were you not murdered by that Mary Sue?!

Standing, Darien rushed toward his love, who was running toward him with open arms. Love flowed through his being, and he caught his princess with open arms as she threw herself at him. People stopped to watch the happy couple embrace.

Cassy: Man, these people have the attention span of a fish! They'll stop for anything!
Rory: Well... Godzilla just didn't feel like stomping through Tokyo that day.

Many assumed that the lovers had been separated for days, weeks perhaps, instead of mere hours. Darien swung Serena around in circles, her hair and legs flying out behind her.

Akiko: Unfortunately, Darien forgot to realize that Serena was a doll. Now her left arm's at the bottom of the lake.

Happiness rushed through him as their lips met and clung, fear and worry relieved at last.

"Oh, god, Serena. I thought…"

"I know."

"I was so worried."

"Me, too."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. I missed you."

"I'm so sorry Serena."

Akiko: I don't know...
Cassy: What this conversation...
Rory: Is about...
Cassy: I love you, Rory.
Rory: *playfully kisses Cassy on the cheek* I love you too, Cassy. Now let's have kids and call them the worst Norwegians when they get into the Olympics.
Akiko: *snickers*
Cassy: *confused* What the heck are you talking about, dude?!
Rory: *shrugs* I was reading the news earlier. Heh.

"Well, you should be. I have a huge bump on my head, and I'm starving!" Serena quipped. Darien threw back his head and laughed aloud, his relief at finding her alive transferring into a giddy joy.

Akiko: Wow. Jay really did a good job at making everyone stupid.
Cassy: Careful, she may mistake that for praise.

Darien bent his head and claimed Serena's lips once more, holding her tight as though she might disappear.

Rory: Well, her brain did.
Akiko: So did this fic's common sense.

Serena returned his kiss joyfully, happy to be back in the arms of her love. When the kiss was broken, Darien spoke again.

"The girls are frantic. We've been combing the city for hours."

Cassy: Guess that knocking on people's doors or sensing her energy was out of the question.

"I've been unconscious."

"Wait." Darien held up his hand. Let's find the girls. Then you can tell us the whole story.

Akiko: *with a pen* Uh... we're missing some quotation marks. *adds them in* There we go!

Slinging his arm around her shoulders, Darien steered her away from the fountain.

Rory: Oh, now she's a car? Darien, your girlfriend's not a car!

Serena slipped her arm around his waist as the two walked toward the Crown Arcade.

Cassy: *sarcastically* I guess hospitals don't exist at all! I'm glad that this fic taught me something today!
Akiko: Looks like the police don't exist, either!
Rory: *sarcastically* Yeah, fuck the po-lice!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Damn, the formatting is all funky on these chapters! And I don't really have time to mess with it, soooooooo...this'll just have to be good enough.

Rory: Well, we have bad formatting in a bad fic! That's like finding a cockroach in your burger and claiming that it's meat!
Cassy: Well, I'm not hungry at all! Thanks, Rory!

Did everybody see that Mary Ann, Skott and Corie are in my fic? I hope they catch it! Thanks guys. I love you! *^_^*

Akiko: Why do you torment us, Jay? Your friends being in this fic was more important than trying to smooth out the bumpy plot hole?
Cassy: Because she can... and yes.
Rory: Wait... there was a plot? I'm still trying to understand this fic.
Cassy: Don't worry about it, Rory. It didn't put any effort into being logical, so you don't have to put any effort into understanding it.
Rory: Sweet!

Stay tuned for Chapter 8. And mail me!

Rory: Mail?
Cassy: We can mail her?
Akiko: We tried, but Miyu-chan wouldn't let us send any letters because she claimed that they were too... "inflammatory".
Cassy: What were they like?
Akiko: Well, Axl said that the fic sucked giant monkey balls in his letter, I asked if this fic was written with every brain cell intact, and Emi... well, she drew a picture of herself setting the Sue on fire.
Cassy: Yeah, I can see why Miyu didn't allow you guys to send 'em.
Rory: Yeah, I'd let Akiko's pass, to be honest.
Cassy: Rory!
Rory: What? It doesn't make any sense!

--

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