Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 2: 10 Reasons Women Don't Listen to Men

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We're always accusing our  men of not listening to us, but experts say we don't always do such a bang up job of tuning in to our guys, either.

James: *sarcastically* No, really? I thought that you all were the Albert Einsteins of listening.

You may imagine that  you listen...but do you really pay attention?

Miyu: Well, I've ignored Kyo for the past week for no reason at all!
Benimaru: May I suggest counseling?
Miyu: For Kyo, yes. *pauses for a few seconds* No, I'm just kidding about all of that.
Benimaru: Thank goodness.

Think about it. Right....you don't. Why?

Amy: Because it's his fault. I think.

We asked three romance and relationship experts for their take. Here are their TOP TEN REASONS WOMEN DON'T LISTEN TO MEN.

James: Calm down, Dana. I don't need those caps in my face.

1. We don't generally respond to sports-themed analogies.

Benimaru: Hey, who's this "we"? Some ladies know a lot of things about sports. Eliminate that lazy "we" thing.

2. Not everything can be related to The Godfather movies.

James: And not everything can be related to every crappy romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigl in it.
Miyu: Careful, she'll complain that you're generalizing us!
James: Oh, well. Like I give a damn.

3. It's hard to take anything seriously when it's addressed to 'Dude.'

Amy: Someone clearly hasn't met Cassy before.
Benimaru: And somebody really needs to stop chasing those frat boys and locate some mature, unmarried men. You know... like me.
Amy: You know the drill, we're allegedly supposed to date the bad boys. How about Mr. Kusanagi?
Benimaru: *rubs his forehead* Oh, jeez.

4. We assume they'll say anything just to get out of a serious conversation.

Miyu: Well, there's your problem... you're making assumptions!

5. We tend to shun wisdom gleaned from Yoda.

James: How ironic, I tend to shun "wisdom" from biased people who lump the opposite sex into one category.
Amy: Hey, Yoda's wise. That's not fair...

6. We shut down when told we're over-reacting.

Benimaru: Understandable.

7. We don't appreciate advice passed on from Mack, Chip, Skip - or any of the braintrust cronies.

James: Oh, let's ignore the fact that you probably have a little circle of gossips yourself. But hey, Jess and I gossip all of the time.
Miyu: Mack, Chip, and Skip? Am I reading an article from 2011 or 1952 here?
James: 1952. You know we have to take a few hundred steps back.

8. Sex is not the answer to every situation.

Amy: *annoyed* Oh, for heaven's sake! Not every man thinks about sex 24/7!
Benimaru: Of course not.
James: I am.
Amy: *sputters* Gah!

9. We know our butt looks big in the jeans - stop lying!

James: *angry* How about you stop asking the stupid question and find some clothes that actually fit, you whiny, brainless tw--
Amy: *quickly covers James's mouth with her hand* Thank you!

10. They don't know what they're talking about.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* Funny... neither do you. You've made nothing but mostly stupid assumptions and put-downs. There is no possible way that anyone with half a brain cell can take you or this list seriously.
Benimaru: Unless you bribe them. Then they're your best friends until you run out of money.

"I think one of the reasons why women don't listen to men, is that men and women often speak a different language.

Amy: I don't know. I can comprehend English just fine.
James: Go read a Dan Brown novel and see how much English you can comprehend, madam.

This all goes back to how we were raised and socially conditioned as male or female. Even though society has grown and evolved, a great deal,

Benimaru: ...our writing standards have devolved. Remove that comma after "evolved", please.

the old behavioral model still has a great deal of influence.

Miyu: Complete with molds and plaster for said molds, yes.

Consider this and add it to the equation:

· Men are supposed to be strong

· Men are supposed to be unemotional

· Men are supposed to fix problems

Benimaru: Am I reading "Twilight" again?
Amy: I hope not.

10 reasons why women don't listen to men

James: We're deaf, we're dumb, we're blind.
Miyu: Now find seven more reasons.
James: I don't have to. Just stretch those three to ten.

1. What a woman wants to hear, especially in the beginning of a relationship, often gets in the way of actual listening. For example, a man may say to you when you begin dating, “I have a real problem with dating just one woman.” Do you wonder why this man doesn't want to commit? He told you up front he had a problem with commitment!

Amy: *sarcastically* But I can change him! It's romantic, you know!
James: *in a bored tone* Give it up, he's a jerk, let him go, blah, blah, blah.
Benimaru: Bad fanfics and novels haven't taught us well.

2. Men and women express themselves very differently - it is almost 2 completely different languages. Women approach things with the language of feeling. Men approach things in a more linear style. This is not sexist, it is an evolving reality.

Amy: That one was nice... until I read that incredibly smug last sentence.
Miyu: Maybe you're just reading it differently. She didn't mean for it to come off as smug... I hope. But yeah, some guys can be blunt when they express themselves. Just look at James.
James: Yeah, now that's true.

3. A woman wants her mate or partner to give her support and to commiserate with her problems. Instead, a man gives solutions on how to handle the problem.  After a while, a woman stops telling the man what went on during the day and communication lessens.

James: God forbid that we need to cut to the chase.
Benimaru: Uh... last time I checked, blowing the problem to pieces wasn't the soultion.
James: Then you know nothing.

4. A man's interest is different from his partner's.  He may be wild about whether his football team wins or loses, his mate may have absolutely no interest. Of course, the reverse also occurs. Compromise is needed and each partner needs to take time and pay attention to the others needs and interests.

Amy: We should also pay attention to that giant ambulance taking up two of the four lanes there. Everyone, let's stare at that five car pile-up and hold traffic up!

5. A woman may be very concerned about what's going on in her friends' lives, but her guy may not care. She stops telling him stories of the things that are important in her life.

Miyu: And thank goodness that we're not at Melrose Place. Just living there gives you an entire load of nonsense.

6. A woman may expect a man to be like her best girlfriend. He's not! He's your mate and a male, and has a very different point of view and a different measuring stick about what's important and what is not. Appreciate that.

Benimaru: Okay, this is making me a little uncomfortable here.
Amy: Why's that, Mr. Nikaido?
Benimaru: Sure, this may be true, but couldn't she find a different choice of words besides "he's a male"? It just makes it sound like we don't care. *raises an eyebrow* That is incredibly false in my case, because I truly do care about the ladies.
Amy: *blinks* Oh. Yeah, that is incredibly obvious.

7. A woman may expect a man to read her mind and is upset when he doesn't. Even if you buy him a crystal ball, it's not possible! Sometimes you don't even know your own mind.

James: If you buy me the crystal ball, then it's very possible. I'm more magical than David Copperfield.
Miyu: And how many lies will be behind said ball?
James: None. Because you'll be controlling it.
Miyu: *stares at James* You are odd, sir.

8 A woman may read underlying meanings into what a man said  when, in reality, what they said is what they meant. This is a deadly trap for all people. When we make assumptions about what the other person really meant instead of asking them what they meant, we get into big trouble.

Amy: Read "6 mistakes men make on Valentine's Day" for more information on mixed messages. Thank you very much.
James: Thank you for the advertisement shilling, Amy.

9. A woman may assume her words didn't hurt her mate. We are all sensitive and want a fulfilling relationship. That takes time and effort.

Benimaru: Unfortunately, too many people don't have the patience for either of those things.
Miyu: Or they're just jerks who lack empathy.

10. Both parties need to practice listening.

All: *pretending not to listen* Huh? What?
Miyu: But seriously, I love how that's the simplest thing on that list, and a lot of people still can't follow that simple rule!

James: Okay... so I was wrong about that last list. How long before Paul and I get ripped to shreds in this one, huh?
Benimaru: Who the heck is Paul? My name's Benimaru.
James: Oh. Right.

1. Men can be controlling: They’re type A (aka control freaks) in the boardroom, but what happens when they come home and act the same in the bedroom? As women, we don’t appreciate it. We’d rather

James: ...control them.

ignore them than be treated like the subordinate from the office.

Benimaru: *dumbfounded* What the...
Amy: Hey, here's a better idea... why don't you talk about it or leave his butt?
Miyu: THX: The audience is now confused.

2. Men are fixers:

James: And the sane ones dump horrible folks. That's one way to fix things, yeah?

When we tell men about our problems, we are simply venting. On the other hand, they become obsessed with finding a solution to our problem. Thus, when we search for empathy, they annoy us with a list of things to do. Consequently, we ignore them.

Miyu: *sarcastically* How dare they try to help you as best as they can!
Amy: Someone clearly hasn't listened to Lenore Edwards. Men cannot read your mind, lady!
James: Well, I know who I should never ask questions to now...

3. They accuse us of catastrophizing: We like things perfect. We want the perfect guy, perfect job, and perfect men.

Amy: Wait, isn't that a little excessive? First she wants a perfect guy, then she wants perfect guys. Stick with singular or plural nouns, please!
Miyu: And something tells me that she wants the perfect guy with the perfect job.
Benimaru: Okay, I'm just wondering... why can't she date me or create a male version of herself?
James: Why would you want to strike a deal with Satan... to date Satan?
Benimaru: Oh. Never mind, then.
James: Yeah. And the latter's too perfect. Keep in mind that she probably wants a man to do everything for her.
Benimaru: Then she should build a lot of robots. You know... I hear that the cyborg version of Kusanagi is available...
Miyu: I'm already dating him. He just goes by a different name... and form.

When we fall short, we express our feelings.

James: No, you whine, piss, and moan without doing anything. Do not lie to us. We are not stupid.

When our men accuse us of overreacting, we get angry and walk away.

Amy: Hey, you're going to find this funny... you're overreacting! And don't lump all of us into that dreaded "we" hole!

4. They patronize us: He pretends to understand you, but you can see he’s distracted and is only partially in the conversation. If he’s not truly interested in engaging, we are not interested in listening.

Miyu: I'm sorry... I wasn't listening.
Benimaru: I can understand why, unfortunately.
Amy: I hate these kinds of articles when both parties turn out to be jerks. It annoys me so much.

5. He’s angry: No one wants to listen to the guy who’s gone mad.

Amy: I don't think anyone wants to listen to any angry person.

If he’s angry, we don’t want to be his scapegoat nor are we interested in sticking around while he yells.

Amy: *as Spira* But listen to me while I complain and yell!
James: Now you're making it sound like we're cavemen on steroids, lady.
Benimaru: According to her, we are cavemen... which is incredibly unfortunate. Then again, most ladies are blinded by my wonder and mysterious beauty.
Amy, Miyu, James: *facepalms* No...

6. He’s exaggerating AND lying: No one likes a bragger!

Miyu: *reading Spira's book in question* Isn't that incredibly ironic... and hypocritical.

So when he starts talking about his accomplishments and how great he is, we turn the other ear. (Newsflash, we DON’T care)

Benimaru: Jeez! Turn that rage down a couple of notches!
Miyu: *still reading the book* I'm surprised that she hasn't followed her own advice...
James: Hey, Miyu. Want to know what Mai said about published nonsense once?
Miyu: What's that?
James: *takes the book from Miyu and throws it away* Trash is trash, no matter what country it's from.

7. He wants sex:

Benimaru: Funny, I heard that sex or masturbation's a great stress reliever.
James: *mutters* She could use some relaxation techniques her own goddamned self. Music, spa, long shower... something.
Amy: Comfort food. Lots of pasta for me.

We want the bills paid and to feel loved, cherished, adored, etc. If he’s not making us feel great outside of the bedroom, we won’t be feeling sexy in the near future.

Amy: Aside from needing and wanting to be loved and cherished -- and that is true if you're willing to do the same -- you're going to find this hilarious. Did you know that you can... *gasps* pay some bills yourself?
James: I keep telling you all, we're stuck in the 50's. *sarcastically* Independent women, how hilarious!

8. He interrupts us when we’re busy and wants attention: We’re preoccupied with something we believe is important. What we’re doing might not seem important to him, but it is to you. Can’t he find another time to start a dialogue?!

Benimaru: Let's ignore the fact that some women want to intrude on their spouse's private time. Because those women are never rude or wrong.
Miyu: So... act like a Mary Sue in a bad fanfic.

9. Because he’s in the doghouse: He screwed up. We are upset and we want to leave him there for a while. No, we don’t want to talk. Give us time. We will eventually come around.

Miyu: Sounds more like "never".

10. Men don’t know what it is like to be female:

Amy: Well, that's pretty much true.

We multi-task, everywhere.

James: "We"? Are you on crack, lady?! You've whined about everything so far!

We can juggle a million things and still have time to put a band-aid on a crying child’s knee. Basically, we are all anatomically designed to be wonder-women.

Amy: Because we deserve three million medals! What have you men done?! *laughs evilly*
Miyu, Benimaru, James: *slowly moves away from Amy*

Men on the other hand, process things slowly.

Amy, Miyu, James: ...
Benimaru: Okay, I've had enough of this crap. *speaks through clenched teeth as his hair begins to stand on its own* I... hate... this.
Amy: *tries to bring Benimaru's hair down, yelps as she's shocked*

So when we are on page 100, they are still on page 5, leaving us frustrated and less tempted to listen to what they have to say.

James: You're a real arsehole, and god help any person who crosses your path. I am bloody serious.

As we all know, there are many more reasons as to why we daydream when men talk to us.

Miyu: *adjusts glasses* And in the case of Julie Spira, we can clearly see why men ignore her. *sarcastically* Hey, thanks a lot for setting us back a few notches. We really appreciate it.

Do you agree or disagree ?

Benimaru: I agree with that second list only. The first and third lists can go in hellish cesspits for all I care. Especially that third list.

Do you have your own reasons? Do you think we're good listeners?

James: Only when it comes to money and jewelry.
Miyu: *elbows James*
James: What?

We want to hear from you! Leave us a comment.

Amy: What I'd like to know is how we managed to find someone who is more superficial, narcissistic, and vain than Sonia and Mr. Nikaido combined!
Benimaru: Hey, I have standards, thank you. Some people don't know that.
James: And others desperately need to lower their horrendously unrealistic ones.

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