Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 14: Sailor Moon and the Golden Key (Part Seven)

--

(Meanwhile)

Sailor Time was almost to the conference room when Queen Rosalina, Kathryn, and Renee appeared. “Your Majesty great you’re just in time I have Nacriea locked in a cell in the dudgeon. I was just about to contact you… … Kathryn is … … that you!” exclaimed Sailor Time. “Yes it is me, but you’ll have to wait for the reunion. I know a way to change Necriea back.

Emi: It was spelled "N-A-C-R-E-I-A", then "N-A-C-R-I-E-A", and now it's "N-E-C-R-I-E-A". *throws her hands up* I give up.
Manic: Know what's worse? You can actually see the name change in like two sentences.
James: They just didn't care.

We just need her and Destiny’s power stick.” Said Kathryn. “Alright Time lets go see Necriea now, we need to find out some more info before we go and battle Orion. Where’s Planet surly she’s with you?” asked Galaxy. “Sorry I’m afraid she isn’t here. She’s on Earth trying to get Destiny’s power stick and trying to defeat Orion.” Answered Sailor Time as they started toward the dudgeon. “That’s impossible I just learned that Prince Orion is Immortal just like Taracovia!” said Rosalina surprisingly.

Manic: Yeah, so did we. Holy crap, this fic's suffering from brain damage and memory loss.

“Then we better hurry we need Destiny to save her mother. If Destiny doesn’t save her mother within the next twelve hours Universe we’ll loose her powers and be locked in the Immortal realm for eternity!” said Sailor Time.

Jessie: I'm cool with that. Well, without the sacrifice of Serena and Darien part.
Emi: Wait, are the villains still trying to sacrifice those two?
Jessie: How should I know? Those Suethors forgot what they wrote five minutes ago. You think they could remember what they wrote earlier in the damn fic?
James: Earlier? How about the last two fics?

As they walked into the Dungeon the two guards stood at their posts and said, “Your Majesty Nacriea is no longer here she’s been gone for hours now!” “You two guards are stripped of your duties and two new guards will take your place shortly.” Commanded Queen Rosalina. Suddenly two guards appeared. The two other guards were stripped of their equipment and left in golden uniforms. “Guards lock them in the cell over there and don’t let them out they have committed a crime!” commanded Queen Rosalina.

James: You know, I'd live with the "stripped of duties" part. I'm not liking the "throw them in the dungeon" stuff. Were they even warned that letting her out would be a crime?
Emi: We weren't even warned about that. That just makes Rosalina look like a tyrant now.

“Wait a minute if they let her out she should have those gold arm bands on. (Time then used her sensing powers to locate Nacriea) She’s on earth! I bet she’s at the battle, lets go!”

James: Why is that in parenthesis? Were they that fuckin' lazy to add narration?
Manic: Yes. If you have to ask a question about anything that a slug can do, the answer's gonna be "yes".

“Galaxy Planet Power!” shouted Queen Rosalina. She then transformed into Sailor Galaxy. “Moon Prism Power!” shouted Renee. Renee then transformed into Sailor Mini Moon. “Alright lets get to Earth. Galaxy Crystal Portal!” suddenly a portal opened and the three Scouts and Kathryn walked through.

Jessie: Everyone needs a portal.
Emi: Blah, blah, blah, redundant, blah. *sighs* Get me out of here.

(Meanwhile)

The battle was still going, and the scouts have less than nine hours left to save Taracova.

Emi: Oh, now it's "Taracova".

“Give me back her power stick!” exclaimed Sailor Crescent. “Never! I curse this source of power in my hand! Shall any evil being touch it and they will suffer a long painful death! Planet Elemental Curse!” shouted Sailor Planet.

Emi: Yet another power because the plot demands it.
Manic: I think I ran out of things to say. This fic is just that bad.
James: You're lucky that we're near the end, mate.

“No!” screamed Sailor Crescent. A portal then opened in the sky and out came Kathryn, and the tree Sailor Scouts.

Jessie: We have more? And they're trees?
Manic: Sailor Bark, Sailor Branch, Sailor Leaf, and Sailor Trunk are here!

“Sailor Galaxy you’re just in time, here catch!” shouted Sailor Planet. Just then Sailor Planet threw Destiny’s power stick to Galaxy. “Good thanks. Now listen up Orion to save time pick one warrior to go up against me! Whom ever wins well… … we’ll see from there!” exclaimed Galaxy. “Very well I accept your request! Nacriea I chose you! Go and fight!” command Prince Orion. “Of course you’re Majesty!” Necriea said.

James: She's not a Pokémon, you fucking knob.
Emi: Why didn't he choose Sailor Crescent or Aurora?
Jessie: Because the Sue daughter needs to be healed.

Sailor Galaxy and Necriea then walked into the middle of the battlefield. “I call upon the powers of the Immortal goddess Caranovia, please gives us back the one we love!” Galaxy golden Key shimmer!” Nothing happened.

Manic: Hey, it's just like this fic. Nothing worth our time's happening, either!

“Huh! Such a waste of time! Necriean Ice Evolution!” shouted Necriea. A huge barrier of Ice was heading strait toward Galaxy when Kathryn threw herself in front of her. “No, stop! We don’t have time! We must change her back now we have less that six hours left!” “What are you talking about? Kathryn destroy them!” commanded Prince Orion. Kathryn then stood in the middle of the battlefield and posed as if she was about to attack the Sailor Scouts. She then spins around and says, “No! I was never meant to be evil. Kathryn disguise power! Turn me into Sailor Universe!” Kathryn used her disguise power to transform into Sailor Universe.

Emi: Don't you mean "the beautiful Sailor Universe"?
Jessie: Don't make me puke.

“Kathryn Universe Fire Evolution!” shouted Kathryn. A huge wave of fire hit Necriea to the ground.

“Hey I never knew you could use Universe’s powers!” said Sailor Crescent puzzled. “I can use anyone’s powers not just Sailor Universe. I just can’t use her immortal powers because I’m not immortal.”

Emi: What is this nonsense? It's like a terrible race to find the most poorly developed character when it comes to abilities.

“Now what do we do Kathryn?” asked Sailor Galaxy. “Hurry I need Destiny’s power stick and the Golden Key, you have to trust me Sailor Galaxy it’s the only way its going to work!” exclaimed Kathryn. So then Sailor Galaxy handed over Destiny’s power stick and nervous but willingly said, “Galaxy Imperial Staff! Here Kathryn be careful it holds great power, it holds the peace between worlds.”

Manic: No, it doesn't. Quit lying.

After Galaxy handed over what she thought was the correct key

James: And we just got spoiled.
Jessie: Seriously, what's the point? The reader is not allowed to guess or speculate. Isn't that what the point of a story is? You're supposed to keep a person interested. If they're told everything upfront, then it's not a story. It's just... a pile of shit.

Kathryn said, “Almighty powers of Nakomia hear my will let the evil magic that has been done upon this Nakomian be reversed! Nakomian Powers Reverse!” Although Necriea changed back to Destiny she quickly blinked and turned back to Necriea. “I don’t understand why didn’t it work?” asked Sailor Galaxy. “It’s not the right key, is there another key?” asked Kathryn.

Emi: *bored* We got that.
Jessie: And there's the "plot twist" that was being shoved into our faces. What a pile of shit.
Manic: And it's a waste of time.

“I… … “ Started Sailor Mini Moon. “You fools can’t you see you can’t reverse my magic! Marina Mind Control!” said Marina. Marina then took over Sailor Moons body.

James: Where the fuck did Sailor Moon come from?!
Manic: She was knocked out in the last part. Did they just leave her body there... oh, my god...
Jessie: You're telling me that these idiots had all of these dumb portal techniques, and they didn't bother to take Sailor Moon and her companions somewhere safe?
Emi: *facepalms* I hate this fic. Everyone's combined IQ has to be in the negatives at this point. I refuse to believe that these morons are supposed to be the protagonists when they forget the most basic of things like Sailor Moon's unconscious body. She's supposed to be the past form of Sailor Universe, correct? Then why did they leave her at the mercy of the villains?
Manic: You just answered your own question. They're just that dumb.

Then together they said, “Moon scepter elimination!” the strong magic attacked Kathryn knocking her unconscious. “Dark teleport!” yelled Aurora. Aurora teleported her and Kathryn back to the Wicken Sister layer. “No, she still had Destiny’s power stick!” cried Sailor Time. “It’s all right I put the curse on it!” exclaimed Sailor Planet. “Wicken Sisters go home take Necriea with you!” commanded Prince Orion. “Dark Teleport!” yelled the Wicken Sisters. Before the Sailors could react they were gone taking Necriea with them. “No!” screamed Sailor Galaxy. “Now your all mine!” said Prince Orion.

All: *confused*
Manic: I... I don't know what's happening anymore.

“Hey Sailor Galaxy. Do you think there is a way for us to combine the two Golden Keys to create one?” asked Sailor Mini Moon. “Oh now I remember! Here give me your key!” commanded Galaxy.

James: Now you fucking remember?!
Emi: *removes her glasses, pinches the bridge of her nose, sighs heavily*
Manic: I... I just...
Jessie: You know what... just... fuck this fic. Fuck. This. Fic.
Emi: This is the epitome of "New Powers as the Plot Demands". This is awful. Completely awful.

So then Renee took the key from her neck and handed it to Galaxy. Galaxy then took the key and connected it to the top of the staff. “Your going down Orion! Once and for all! Galaxy Golden Key Shimmer!” the golden power hit Orion and destroyed Every ounce of Immortal power he had. Without his immortal power he aged really fast and eventually turned to dust right before them.

Jessie: What the fuck just happened?
Manic: Uh, I thought they were supposed to heal Caranovia. Why'd they suddenly decide to kill Orion?
Emi: Because... reasons, Manic. I'm so done with this jumbled mess.

“No my sweet, sweet Orion! Look what you have done! Now you’ll never get her back ever!” screamed Sailor Crescent as she disappeared.

James: Yeah, I guess the "protagonists" should've thought of that before they murdered him. Isn't Sailor Crescent supposed to be one of those vengeful types?
Manic: Then that just makes it even dumber. Everyone's got random powers. Everyone's holding idiot balls left, right, and center.
Jessie: Then it's not a story. We're just watching idiots do idiotic things. We're supposed to like this stuff?
Emi: Unfortunately for them, we obviously don't like any of this.

All the Sailors then returned home with one thing on their mind:
“How in the world will they rescue Necriea in time to save her mother Taracova in less then three hours?”

Emi: Wait, three hours just passed?!
Manic: Time is a random concept there.
James: Time's not the only thing that's random over there, mate.

To be continued in
It’s sequel:
Sailor Moon The Immortal Ring!

James: And I'm so glad that I won't be here to read that gnat's piss of a shit sequel.
Jessie: Hear, hear.
Manic: Wow, this fic... was... um...
Emi: Garbage. It was garbage. *slams her notes on the table* I'm glad we're done. I'm out of here. *gets up, walks out*
Manic: She's gonna get mad that she'll start cooking, right?
Jessie: Probably. She's going to make us wash the dishes if she does, though.
James: Well, it'll be better than reading this dumpster fire of a fic again.

--

Go Back to Part Six
Go Back to Sequelitis Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page