Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 12: Sailor Moon and The New Scouts (Part Five)

--

ACT 17: NEGA-TOKYO

After Erica was taken away, Diamond supervised the transfer of the piece of
dark crystal into Serena's heart.

Once inside the room, Amara said, "all right Diamond, she is ready for the
transfer. Is there anything else I can do for you at this time?"

Kyo K.: Being depowered and taken away will work. That's the best strategy at the moment.

" Yes, will you please watch the entrance to this room. If you have to, use
the silver millennium crystal I gave you in case of trouble."

Mai: Won't that remove her dark powers...?
Kyo L.: Mai, that's logic. Stop it.

Diamond turned quickly, then set to work. After some time had passed, they
heard a loud boom that rocked the palace to its foundations. They turned to
see three silhouettes standing within the doorway. After their eyes adjusted
to the gloom, they beheld the sailor scouts standing amidst the rubble of a
collapsed wall.

"Who dares disturb his majesty during this important ceremony?" Amara
demanded.

Sonic: Oh, just a bunch of Sailor Sues.

" We are known as the Forbidden Sailor Trio from Galaxy City. You have
exceeded your limits, Diamond! Now you must pay the ultimate price for
changing the future. I am Sailor Galaxy, Queen and Ruler of the Golden
Universe. Girls, lets have a little fun shall we?" Galaxy declared and
followed up with an enthusiastic battle cry.

Sonic: Wait, what? If you find fun in slaughtering folks and you're supposed to be the protagonist... we have a problem.
Mai: Oh, yes. "Protagonist Centered Morality". *sighs* My favorite.

"Planet Ice Storm!" Shouted Sailor Planet. Then all of a sudden a barrier of
ice formed around Amara. "Ok, go Sailor Universe, use your Evolution
powers!"

"Right! Universe Immortal Staff!"

At that moment, a silver glowing staff appeared in Sailor Universe's hands.
"Universe Ice Crystal Evolution!" Then a more intense barrier of ice encased
Amara - she was trapped.

Kyo L.: I guess we're just gonna sit here and watch a bunch of Sues steamroll everyone again, huh?

" I'm afraid you're too late ... you'll never be able to reverse the
transformation once complete."

Kyo K.: Yeah, I'm sure that the Sailor Sues have some plot convenience powers for that little "problem".

" Rise Serena, and fight our common enemy, so we can go back to the life we
shared together." Diamond commanded.

Mai: Prince Diamond: Necromancer.

"I don't think so. I call upon the boundless powers of the

Sonic: ...Deus Ex Machina!

Universe, give me
the strength to teach this Prince a lesson -- Universe Deadly Rage!" she
Screamed.

Mai: Never mind that Diamond was actually being used. He somehow deserves to die because he's not one of the Sailor Sues.

Suddenly, a dark-silver stream of power spun around Diamond until only an
ounce of energy remained .

"Now is good a time as any, Galaxy. I can't hold on much longer!" shouted
Universe, her body coursing with incredible power.

Kyo L.: And then she exploded into meaty chunks.
Kyo K.: Still waiting for crummy characters to explode, huh?
Kyo L.: Hey, let a fox dream.

"Aha, Galaxy Imperial Crystal Staff!"

As if from nowhere, a Golden staff appeared in her hands. "I call upon the
powers of Galaxy, lets undo the evil that has been brought upon us and
restore peace once again -- Galaxy Time Reversal!"

Sonic: Did she just steal Sailor Pluto's abilities?
Mai: Technically, yes. However, it gets worse. Sailor Pluto can stop time, but at the cost of her own life. Guess what isn't going to happen to this Mary Sue.

Suddenly, Strong winds made themselves manifest, forming an impenetrable
shield around Neo-Queen Serenity. As time fell back upon itself, and the
Dark Crystal fragment vacated the shrine of Serena's heart. Then once at a
safe distance, it shattered.

"Serena, are you ok?" asked Sailor Universe .

"Who are you people, and where did you come from. Wait a minute, Where am
I?" Serena asked in a baffled tone.

Kyo K.: Of course she'd be baffled. I mean, she's getting overshadowed by a bunch of Sailor Sues... again.

"You're in Diamonds castle," Galaxy told her.

Mai: It's called "Diamonds Castle"? Nice.

the tall majestic woman stood before her, her resplendent silver gown took
Serena's breath away. Galaxy wore her hair in a jeweled coronet -- strings
of lapis woven skillfully into its lustrous strands.

Kyo L.: Blargh!
Sonic: Hey, it ain't a Sue fic without a Sue description.

"I am Sailor Galaxy,
Keeper of the Golden Gate and Holder of the Golden Key. I am also known as
Queen Galaxy of the Golden city that bears my name. But you can address me
by my birth-name, a privilege only bestowed upon a high-monarch such as
yourself. My true name is, Rosalina. My companions likewise shall grant you
this honor. My only stipulation, speak these names in private, for they're
sacred and imbued with power!"

Kyo K.: Uh, why are you saying all of this stuff in enemy territory, you nitwit?

"I am Sailor Planet, one of Galaxy's strongest warriors. I am the Keeper of
Earth Elementals and my birth name is Jennifer!"

Sonic: Your lord and savior... Jennifer!
Kyo K.: *scoffs*
Mai: Aren't you better off being called Sailor Earth, then? How can you call yourself Sailor Planet when most of the Scouts' names are after planets?
Kyo L.: With this fic's mangled logic, they're all Sailor Planet, Mai. Even Sailor Moon and Mini Moon.

"I am known under many titles, but I'm mostly known as Sailor Universe,
The Immortal goddess, I am also the protector of Sailor Galaxy, also known
as Queen Galaxy. I was born on the planet Nakomia, a planet that orbits
around the Golden City. I can never die, so what you are about to see won't
hurt me in any way, because I can only die if I sacrifice myself to save
Galaxy,"

Kyo K.: *with a megaphone* Get on with it, you annoying little braggart!
Mai: So much for wishing for her to drop dead.
Sonic: Great. Just what we needed. We needed a Mary Sue who'll never die. She's definitely gonna take over the plot now.
Kyo L.: There's a plot in this thing?
Mai: A mangled plot, but still...

So saying, she immediately powered up. "I call upon the powers of
the Universe once more, help me to restore Rini to her true self! --
Universe Deadly Rage! --Sacrifice!"

Kyo K.: Hey, uh... the word "sacrifice" means that something or someone's gotta die. I don't think you know what that word means, Sue.

Instantly, a swirling vortex of black mist had engulfed Sailor Universe. She could no longer be seen.

Sonic: The End. *gets up* Well--
Kyo K.: If you don't sit your spiny little butt down, I will seal it to your seat.
Sonic: *sits back down* Oh. Mm-kay, then.

After a few seconds had passed, the ice encasing Rini's body had cracked and quickly melted. Wicked Lady was no more. In her stead, stood a cute, lovable little girl. Serena ran towards her daughter
and hugged her fiercely.

Kyo L.: *reads Miyu's notes* Okay, in the manga, Sailor Pluto's death was the reason why Wicked Lady was no more. In the anime... it was through the efforts of Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask.
Mai: Great. A Mary Sue steals a canon character's actions. By the way, where is Tuxedo Mask?
Sonic: Guess one of the Sues knocked him over a cliff.

"Rini darling, wake up, can't you here me?" Serena squatted before the
child, desperately searching her daughters face for any sign of life.

Mai: Because the word's actually "hear".

Galaxy placed a gentle hand upon Serena's shoulder and spoke softly. "She
won't awaken until she is back home on Earth. The reason being, I don't
want her to know about us until she is ready to join us once she reaches her
sixteenth birthday!"

Sonic: Will you quit yelling, lady?
Kyo K.: Maybe her yelling will wake Rini up.

"Hey guys, lets go home, our work here is done," Galaxy sighed, and a hint
of a warm smile curled her lips. "Planet, will you teleport Rini and Serena
back to Earth?"

"Wait!" Universe raised a hand and all eyes focused on her.

Kyo L.: *annoyed* Oh, what the fuck do you want now? You want everyone to watch you finger yourself again?
Mai: Since it said "all eyes focused on her", yes. By the way, you're getting rather... colorful again, Kyo.

"I have a gift
for Rini." She approached Serena, placing the golden key that hung on a
chain in Serena's outstretched palm. "Serena, give this to Rini on her
sixteenth birthday. Tell her it's from the Forbidden Sailor Trio. Goodbye to
you all and we wish you well."

Kyo K.: You know that she's gonna find it before then, right? It's Rini. She's a curious kid.
Kyo L.: I'm sure that Serena could make something up about the key, but that's gonna require her to use her brain. Besides, this fic stuck a damn pickaxe into it, so she's screwed.

"I call upon the powers of planet!

Mai: Planet what? Planet X?

Give me enough strength to send these
girls home. Planet Earth Teleportation!"

Suddenly, a tunnel of silvery light swallowed Serena and Rini, her child
unconscious in her arms on their way home.

Sonic: Uh, we already know that she's unconscious. You didn't have to say it again.

"Galaxy, I'm going to stay awhile and search the castle for any remaining
Hostages."

Sonic: Who said that?
Kyo K.: Who cares?

"Very well." Galaxy and Planet then returned to the Golden City.

Mai: And then the castle was nuked, and the remains were salted... wait. What about the Doom Phantom, Sapphire, and Emerald?
Kyo L.: Sapphire and Emerald don't exist in this screwed timeline, Mai.

ACT 18: THE MOON KINGDOM

Less than two months had passed since Ami's abduction, having been forced
to leave her family, friends and former life on Earth behind.

Mai: Oh, now it's called an abduction.

"I wish I could go home." Ami sighed, sitting upon the soft heart-shaped
mattress staring at the stars through the scenic windows of her bedroom. The
sapphire-blue drapes, bedclothes and lingerie offered little comfort, but
things could be far worse.

She remained lost in her thoughts when a brainwave unexpectedly washed over
her. "Of course, how silly of me ... I still possess my power stick! Why
hadn't I thought of it before!"

Kyo L.: *screams in agony* I'm so sick and tired of these Tide Pod eating motherfuckers!
Sonic: So much for being the smartest Scout. *buries his face in his hands, sighs* I give up.
Mai: *turns to Kyo K.* You were right.
Kyo K.: I didn't want to be right. That's the bad thing about it.

Jumping excitedly to her feet, she retrieved the talisman and held it aloft.
"Mercury Star Power!"

While Mercury planned her escape, Princess Sensara had an unexpected
visitor. "Who are you?"

Kyo K.: I hope it's the doctor who'll get me a neck brace, because that was a bad transition to that scene.

"I am Sailor Planet, I control all Earth Elementals," answered Sailor Planet
looking the princess square in the eye.

Mai: I guess we don't need any of the original Scouts now. Wonderful.

"Why are you here, Planet?"
Sensara asked raising an eyebrow, casually tossing back her tumble of
shimmering locks.

Sonic: And then a bunch of keys fell out of them.

"My orders come directly from Queen Galaxy. I am here to collect Sailor
Mercury."

Kyo L.: She's not a card, you little shit.
Mai: *chuckles*

"For what reason may I ask?" Sensara demanded, her eyes narrowing.

"That is none of your concern. You either hand her over willingly, or I have
no option but to destroy you!"

Sonic: I guess making something up is out of the question now.
Kyo K.: Jeez, these folks make dust specks look like college grads.

"You must be mistaken. Mercury is my royal adviser." Sensara answered in a
calm voice, palms outstretched in a gesture of openness.

Kyo L.: *as Sensara* She has joined the cult of Cthulhu. Worship with us.

Unbeknownst to either party, Mercury was listening to their conversation
with great interest. She continued to listen for a time and then stepped
forward in her Sailor form.

"Oh Yeah, then take this little piece of Advice!" She cried striking a
battle pose. "Mercury Ice bubbles Blast!"

"It's so cold, what's happening?" Sensara asked wrapping her arms around her
shivering body.

Kyo K.: I dunno, maybe you being surrounded by ice might have something to do with it.

Then Mercury heard Sailor planet whisper in her ear, "Sailor Mercury, follow
me. I will explain." Mercury nodded and followed the woman and quickly left
the room.

Mai: I can't wait to hear this awkward story.
Sonic: You don't want to hear it, do you?
Mai: No, I do not.

ACT 19: NEGA-TOKYO

Taracova began her search of the many rooms within Diamonds immense Castle.

Mai: Oh. Now it's called "Diamonds Immense Castle"?

After stepping into a lavishly decorated chamber, she came upon a most
surprising sight.

Kyo L.: The fic ended and the rest of the riffers didn't have to read the sequels.

"Well, what do we have here?"

"Who are you?" asked the girl, chained to a stone pillar within the
bedchamber. The hot-pink and velvet-black décor she thought a little weird.

Sonic: We have Sailor Elusion... chained up. And Taracova's main thought involves design choices? *gives a sarcastic thumbs up* Priorities.

" I'm guessing this must have been wicked Lady's bedroom?" she looked at the
bedraggled young woman curled up on the floor at the base of the column, her
hair unkempt and her eyes red from crying. "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking
to me? You should know who I am. Its Elusion isn't it? From the looks of
it, at least you used to be Sailor Elusion, correct?" Taracova taunted,
shaking her head.

Kyo K.: Okay... your first choice of words are used to kick an enemy while they're already down? Y'know, that's what villains usually do.
Sonic: But she's the protagonist, so it's okay.
Kyo L.: Can this "protagonist" stick a cactus up her ass and die, then? Being the protagonist ain't supposed to come with a "Be a Dick to Everyone and Get Away with It" card. I should know, because I'm a dick.
Mai: Unfortunately, every bad "protagonist" carries that card with reckless abandon.

Erica raised her head and focused her gaze upon the woman standing over her
and spoke softly, "please tell me how you know my true identity. Diamond
stripped me of my powers and sentenced me to an eternity as Amara's Chamber
slave."

"You can address me as Taracova, but my friends know me as Sailor Universe,
the Immortal Goddess!" Taracova's mocking tone shook Erica to the core.

Mai: *stares at the screen* ...I hate you.
Sonic: Some protagonist you are. Also, will you quit yelling so much?
Kyo L.: Lady, she wanted to know how you knew her name. She didn't ask for a masturbation show. Clean your damn ears for once in your life.

She knew what this meant. Lowering her head, she drew her knees under her
chin, wrapping her arms around her legs as Erica's glossy cascade floated
against the soft skin of her chained ankles.

"No, it can't possibly be! This means the Doom Phantom and Diamond..." Erica
gasped, her face taking on a pale complexion.

Taracova cut in, "are destroyed! And how did I do it?

Kyo K.: Offscreen? Wait a sec... Gloomy, you said that Diamond was being used, right?
Mai: Yes.
Kyo K.: Oh, that just makes everything worse.

simply with the wave
of my hand! I could so easily finish you. But since I'm feeling generous, I
will transform you into a human girl."

Mai: *glares* I really hate you.
Kyo L.: What? The final battle was offscreen and she did it with a flick of her damn wrist? Man, fuck this fic.
Sonic: I... oh, that Mary Sue test probably hit over two hundred points with that line alone.

"Do it!" shouted Erica, not caring what happened to her anymore.

"And why should I?"

"Because I don't deserve to live!"

"Kida, give me strength! " Taracova rolled her eyes, gazed skyward and
shrugged.

Kyo L.: You're an asshole. I'm so glad that I'm gonna be done with this bullshit in a few minutes.

"What are you waiting for!"

"All in good time, Erica. I hope you've no objection if I address you by
your birth name.

Mai: As if she has a choice, considering that you've been a condescending pus boil to her from the start...

By the way, your friends, the so-called Nega Scouts, like
the Doom Phantom have met the same fate. You will soon join them, as
pathetic Humans.

Kyo L.: Now you're going to shit on humans? Oh, fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, you fucking little prolapsed rectum.
Sonic: I miss the part when the fic was a jumbled mess. I could've lived with that.
Kyo K.: Tch. Sad day when you had to praise that, Gumball.

Without warning, the crystal communicator clipped to her belt began to
pulse. There was trouble on the moon. Serious trouble. She couldn't waste
any more time and before leaving used her wand to transform Erica into an
adolescent human girl.

"SPRING OF REBIRTH!" shouted the Immortal goddess Taracova.

Kyo L.: Didn't want the fancy name for your nether regions, lady.
Sonic: *coughs*

Suddenly, a whirlpool of radiant hot pink opened before Erica. She stared
mesmerized by its humming pulsations.

Mai: Do not say one word, Kyo LeMaire.
Kyo L.: What?

She realized the clinking sound she'd
heard were her chains breaking. She examined her bruised ankles and sore
wrists. Then a funnel of magenta enveloped her. She shone like a supernova
before the light faded.

"It is done, Erica ... I must leave you now!"

Kyo K.: So... you're just gonna leave her powerless behind on the Nega-Moon, huh? You're not gonna teleport her to Earth or anything?
Sonic: Some protagonist she is.

"Galaxy Star Power!" In a matter of seconds, Taracova had transformed into
Sailor Universe. "Well goodbye Erica. I call upon the powers of the Immortal
goddess, Kida, turn me into my true form! "

Kyo L.: And then she became a puddle of diseased blood. A Mary Sue's true form.

Erica slowly climbed to her feet, and backed away. She felt a little faint
and sat on the soft bed. Its black quilt covered in hot-pink flowers. She
simply stared at Universe, wide-eyed as Taracova underwent another
transformation.

Sonic: She transformed into a demon. It's the Sue's inner ugliness.

"Universe Immortal Power!" she cried as a lustrous silver light consumed
her. Erica was stunned by the Immortal Goddess's shimmering silver gown of
fine silk. She loved her hair, piled high atop her elegant head. Upon her
forehead, the Universian symbol.

Kyo K.: Sure, she was a complete asshat to you, but it's okay because she's beautiful. *scoffs* This fic's stupid. End it.
Mai: Thankfully, we're almost done.

ACT 20: THE MOON KINGDOM

After Mercury's bubbles had cleared, Sensara realized both her visitor and
Sailor Mercury were gone.

All: No, really?

"Guards!" She screamed and ordered a thorough search of the palace and have
all entrances sealed.

Mai: Deploy the caulking guns! Seal the entrances with the royal caulk!

"Come on, hurry, we don't have much time. They probably figured out we've
escaped by now!" Planet gasped, trying to catch her breath. Grabbing
Mercury's hand, they broke into a run. As if on cue, an alarm sounded,
making the two young women jump. Without warning, a series of huge metal
doors descended from the ceiling blocking the exits.

Kyo K.: Huh. The new season of "Prison Break" doesn't look so good.

"Come on, we're almost
there!"

But they were too late, "oh no, what are we going to do now?" Mercury
sighed.

"I'm not sure."

Kyo L.: Our protagonists. They're either too dumb or too arrogant.

A sinister voice stopped them in their tracks. They turned around slowly to
find Princess Sensara glaring at them from beneath a black-marble arch. "So,
did you think it would be that simple to kidnap my Royal adviser?"

Sonic: *scratching his head* Uh... didn't you kidnap her first...?

"In the first place, she didn't kidnap me. I'm going home where I belong, on
Earth!"

Kyo K.: Yeah, about that...

"Allow me to make your task a little easier. I'll transform you into a
powerless human!" Mercury jumped back as a wave of energy moved in her
direction, causing her to detransform. "Spenserian human rebirth!" shouted
Princess Sensara as a funnel of blue light rushed towards Mercury and
Planet.

"Look out Mercury!" shouted Planet, pushing Mercury aside. But Planet copped
the full brunt of the sapphire-blue twister. "No! Help me," screamed Planet
in state of terror.

Mai: *woodenly* Help me.

Just before it struck, a powerful gust of wind flew past Sensara, who had no
idea it was Sailor Universe in her Immortal goddess Taracova form -- azure
spirals of luminous light wrapped themselves about the powerful form of
Taracova.

All: *groans*
Mai: Wonderful. Just who we didn't need.
Kyo K.: *sarcastically* Yeah, she's totally not a self-insert Sue.

Planet recognized the Immortal Goddess, but no one else had. "No, Taracova!"
Planet shouted frantically.

Kyo L.: Yes, please come into the light and die or whatever.

Everyone heard the earsplitting scream. When the light cleared, Taracova
knelt upon the cold stone floor before them -- eyes closed. "Taracova!
You're shaking. What's the matter with you?"

"I'm all right, I'm just feeling a little weak, and that's all. I suggest
we take out Sensara and restore the throne to its rightful air, Neo Queen
Serenity!"

Mai: She claims to be all knowing, yet she can't spell "heir" correctly. Oh, the irony is killing me.

"I don't think so, Sailor Universe! You don't stand a chance. You're too
weak, so you might as well give it up!" Princess Sensara said smugly.

Sonic: If a villain is smug, she's evil. If a "protagonist" is smug, it's okay.

"I'll never give up! And besides, who said I was going to do it alone."

Kyo K.: Says the Sue who killed Prince Diamond and the Doom Phantom with a flick of her hand.
Sonic: Ah, so we have that good ol' fake humility.

Oh,
bye the way, what have you done with Darien?" Sailor Planet demanded.

Kyo L.: Oh, now you morons finally want to care about the bastard!

"Since you asked nicely, I shall tell you. Just before Amara's death, she
sent Darien to the moon in order that the legend concerning Princess Rini
would come to pass. Meaning she would no longer exist!"

Mai: Remember when that all happened... offscreen?

"What legend are you talking about?" Universe demanded.

Kyo L.: Our thoughts exactly. Thanks, you cancerous polyp.

"accompany me to the conference room and I will explain it to you. I shall
also enlighten you regarding Darien's fate. But first, you must hand over
Ami. As you know, she agreed to come to the moon. So she belongs to me now."

Kyo K.: She... technically didn't... *facepalms* Never mind...

"Is this true? Did you agree?" asked Planet frowning.

"Yes I did--." Planet cut Ami off before she could finish her sentence.

Sonic: Uh, are you gonna let her finish, you jerk?

"Sensara, my apologies ... take her. Sorry Ami we observe certain laws in
Galaxy City that prevent us interfering with other cultural codes. In this
case, if you make an agreement with a particular party, you must honor it.
We can't intervene!"

Sonic: *confused* Then why did you break in to get her in the first place? I... *holds his head* Ow, ow, ow...
Mai: I see that Tails is rubbing off on you. Anway, this idiot knows that Ami will be heavily punished, and she's going to let this happen?
Kyo L.: Sailor Planet: The Sailor of Sociopathy.
Kyo K.: I thought that title was supposed to go to Sailor Universe.
Kyo L.: Doesn't matter. They all suck.

"Very good, ladies. Thank you for returning my property.

Kyo L.: She just called her her property. Yeah, now would be a good time to intervene -- you know what, never mind. You dumb ass Sailor Sues suck more ass than the fuckin' Elder Gods. Man, screw this stupid shit.

Guard, take Ami
down to the dungeon." Sensara grabbed Ami's power stick and restraints were
placed upon her.

Kyo K.: I'm surprised that she didn't take it earlier! It took her that long to do it? I... never mind, everyone's dumb.

Later that evening, Sensara, alone in her private chambers chanted the
transformation mantra, "I call upon the power of Mercury -- grant me your
power!" She couldn't describe the sheer joy she felt at that moment.
"Mercury star power!"

Sensara felt Mercury's power pulse through her body. The exhilaration she
felt at that moment was beyond anything she'd thought possible. "Wow! I
feel so good! I wonder what it would be like to be Sailor Moon."

Sonic: I'm a hundred percent convinced that the "Forbidden Sailor Trio" are a bunch of callous folks who want the original Sailor Scouts dead or replaced.

Admiring her reflection in her full-length mirror, she struck a pose and
laughed. Then directed an Ice Bubble attack towards the doors leading onto
her balcony. They exploded into matchwood.

Kyo K.: Since when did ice make things explode?
Mai: Ask my brother or Sub-Zero.

Pleased with herself, she began
to plan her next move, speaking her thoughts aloud, "thanks to Amara, I was
able to send him on a mission. I must find Rini's golden key before Darien
and I are to be married."

Sonic: And Serena's toast. Great!

To be continued in the sequel: Sailor Moon: Protecting the future!

Kyo K.: Are we sure that it's gonna involve Sailor Moon, since she was punted to the side in this dumb thing?
Sonic: Nope!
Kyo L.: Well, that was a load of shit. Mai, are you done with your notes? I gotta proofread them.
Mai: Almost. I'm surprised that you volunteered for this task, considering that you hated this fic.
Kyo L.: Your notes make more sense than this bullshit.
Mai: *smirks* Thanks for the compliment.
Sonic: *sighs* Ooh, my sister's not going to like any of this.
Kyo K.: Heh. They have a bigger hill to climb than we do. It's gonna be fun.

--

Go Back to Part Four
Go Back to Sequelitis Page
Go Back to Episode List
Go Back to Main MST 'EM Page