Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 12: Sailor Moon and The New Scouts (Part Three)

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ACT 9: PLANET EARTH

The Outer Scouts sent by Princess Sensara had reached Earth. They began
their search for the five original Scouts, and by daybreak they found them.

Kyo L.: Details? To hell with that useless crap!

"We've been sent by Princess Sensara. She wishes to know if there have been
any new attacks from the Nega Moon?" Sailor Pluto enquired.

"No, we haven't, Pluto. Actually, it's been rather peaceful around here
lately. But I wonder what the Negaverse is up to, since capturing Rini."
Mercury said furrowing her eyebrows.

"Mercury, you are hereby ordered to come back with us to the moon to serve
as Princess Sensara's royal adviser, Ami, and Sailor Mercury's memory will
be erased." Neptune explained.

Kyo K.: Wait, I'm sorry, what? Sensa's probably evil?
Mai: *bored* Imagine my shock.

"So, what you're saying is, you want me to leave my friends and life behind.
And since there are no more attacks on earth, I'm being forced to live on
the moon for the rest of my life! Tuxedo Mask and my fellow Scouts will
never know I ever existed?" Mercury said incredulously.

"That is correct," confirmed Uranus.

Kyo L.: Yeah, that's also dumb. Also... you wanna freakin' run off now?
Kyo K.: That "smartest scout" thing went right out the window there.
Sonic: Hmm. I realized that the running thing wouldn't work since the impostor Sailor Moon is probably there.

"You mean she's leaving the Scouts, yet we are expected to go after Rini?"
the duplicate Sailor Moon cut in.

Kyo L.: In case you haven't figured out that the impostor was still there, here's a shoehorned narration for it.

"She shall always be remembered as a Sailor Scout, but

Mai: ...but you said that her memories as Sailor Mercury would be erased. Excuse me?

I'm afraid the answer
to your question is yes. And If I were you, I wouldn't try going after Rini
undermanned!" Pluto advised with an edge to her usually calm disposition.

Mai: But... you're taking Ami away. Excuse me?
Sonic: I'm starting to think that reducing their numbers is the strategy. Serena's been kidnapped, Rei's brainwashed, and Ami's going to be taken away.
Kyo L.: I'm surprised that you found something logical in this weird jumble of words, Sonic.
Sonic: Hey, I riff with Ames and my sister. They're good at picking things apart.
Kyo L.: Yeah, true. Still, you should be like Mai and call everyone out for having swiss cheese memory. It's better that way.

"Why not?" asked Lita, hands on hips.

"For one thing, Serena Knows full-well how much Sensara resents her.

Kyo K.: Backstory? What backstory?

The
Princess has strictly forbidden any attempt to rescue Rini. If they ignore
this decree, they will be reborn human -every single ounce of knowledge
about life as a Sailor Scout will be expunged!" Uranus told them.

Kyo L.: Who died and made that cheap ass knockoff Queen of Everything?
Mai: She probably did.

"I suggest you say your goodbyes, because Princess Sensara wants us back
immediately!"

Mai: Does everything have to end in an exclamation point?
Sonic: Yes!

"You can't do this. How can you just erase somebody's life like that! Please
stop this madness Venus cried as she struggled to pull Mercury back.

Kyo L.: Fighting? The hell is that?

"Don't risk a severe punishment guys, I know how you feel. If there were a
way to remedy the situation, I would. Unfortunately, I cannot ... I must go
with them. I'm sorry. I will miss you all. I love each and every one of you,
including Luna, Artemis, Darien and everyone else I'll be leaving behind.
Think of me now and then, okay guys?" Mercury sobbed hugging each of her
friends.

Kyo K.: So, we're just gonna let her go and get her memories erased. Wow. Might as well let Benji in to save the day.
Sonic, Kyo L., Mai: *gagging*

Neptune and Uranus looked away, feeling decidedly uncomfortable with the
emotional fallout resulting from carrying out their monarch's request. Pluto
gently touched Mercury's shoulder as Sailor Moon released Mercury's hands
and she was led away after saying their final goodbyes-- a sapphire flash
punctuated Mercury's departure.

Mai: And the rest of the mangled plot went with it.
Sonic: Hey, I'm slowly getting the plot!
Mai: I'm glad that you are, Sonic. However, it took you nine acts to figure some of it out.
Sonic: Yeah, I know.
Mai: Don't feel bad about that. I mean, the fic's actually lost in its own pile of nonsense.

ACT 10: THE NEGAVERSE

Sailor Elusion looked upon Serena's unconscious body and smiled.

Mai: Axl read that, right?

In no time
at all they had arrived in Nega-Tokyo. The fiery flare announcing their
arrival had begun to fade.

Sonic, Mai: *stares at the Kyos*
Kyo L., Kyo K.: *shrugs*

Amara was waiting for them at their agreed
meeting place within one of the bedrooms inside the Palace.

Sonic: And then she transformed into Sailor Uranus... we think.

"Unchain her ... Mia, hand over the Silver Millennium Crystal.

Kyo K.: *reads Emi's notes*So it's not the Imperium Silver Crystal?

You do not
have the right to wear it. I do. after all, I was once Serena's daughter.
That is why Diamond has given the crystal to me. So I may do the honor of
awakening the useless and helpless Princess Serena!" Amara chuckled
derisively.

Kyo L.: *reads Miyu's notes* Huh. Funny, it says that Black Lady said that she had nobody to love. So why's she bragging about being Serena's daughter?
Mai: Because... reasons, Kyo.

She then placed the crystal within a clasp suspended on a
leather thong about her slender neck.

All: A what now?
Sonic: Why's a thong around her neck?
Kyo L.: Someone's kinky.
Mai: *raises an eyebrow* Oh, the irony, Mister Masochist.

The crystal sparkled from its cradle
upon her chest against the black silk of the ornate bodice of her dress -
the crystal, complemented the garment perfectly. But Wicked Lady had no idea
Diamond was watching her.

"Yes, Wicked Lady," Mia responded curtseying before her mistress. "Is
there anything in particular you wish Serena to wear?"

Kyo K.: Yes. Nothing.
Mai: No. Just... no.

"As a matter of fact there is. Have her wear the dress in which she wore on
the last occasion diamond captured her -- the Silver Crisis Millennium Ball
Gown. I must leave you now, but I shall return presently!"

Kyo L.: Okay. *smiles* What the fuck is that?
Mai: It's just the dress that Neo-Queen Serenity wears. It never had a name.

"Yes Amara, as you wish." Mia replied taking the gown Amara had placed in
her arms.

"I suggest we put Serena in a Black Crisis Millennium Ball Gown!"

Kyo L.: Why do you want to put her in a palette swapped dress? And why're you all playing dress-up on an unconscious lady? Are you me or the editor?
Kyo K.: You both need to retire.
Sonic: Uh, please tell me that you don't do this to actual ladies that are knocked out...
Kyo L.: What?! No! We have standards, Sonic!

"But Erica ... doesn't Amara want us to dress Serena in the Silver Crisis
Millennium ball gown?" Tamara reminded her.

"she doesn't deserve it, Sailor Crescent does.

Sonic: This just in: Nobody cares.

But first, I want to try it
on myself." Erica retorted glaring at Tamara.

Sonic: No, seriously, nobody cares!

"You're right, Erica. You should keep the dress for yourself, especially if
you look beautiful in it." Naomi added fingering the fabric of the much
sought after garment.

Kyo K.: Yes, let's stop the weird plot so the evil Scouts can fawn over a damn dress. You folks interested in reading the four stories after this one now?

"Indeed I will. Bring her here immediately. His majesty doesn't like to b
kept waiting." Demanded Erica.

Mai: Or be kept waiting.
Sonic: Or bee kept waiting.
Kyo K.: *smacks Sonic on the back of his head* No.

After trying on the dress herself, Erica thought better of it, deciding to
comply with Diamonds wishes lest she be expelled from the Nega-Moon, or
worse.

Kyo L.: All for trying on a dress? They can't live with just being evil, they have to be asshole evil.

Amara stood majestic in her black dress with the crystal glowing softly
against her chest. She then issued new orders to her scouts. "All right
girls, you have done well ... now I command you to return to earth and
destroy the Sailor Scouts. If you have too, get clone able to help you!"

"Yes Wicked Lady!" Erica replied bowing, turned on her heel with her
Nega-Scouts following in her wake.

Mai: *deadpan* I can't wait for the exciting fight scene.
Kyo K.: I can't wait for this to end.

ACT 11: PLANET EARTH

The four remaining Inner scouts were feeling the pain of Ami's absence.

"I sure do miss Ami. Her loyalty, friendship and sense of humor ... and
who's going to help me study for my college final exam?" Lita asked shaking
her head.

"I guess I could help you out." Rei offered.

Sonic: Wait, they're in college? In the Black Moon arc? What?
Kyo K.: I think we're in some rebooted timeline now.
Mai: More like a bad time crash.

"Hey! You guys, lets stop moping. Ami's never coming back, and I'm sure
she'd not want us to give up on life. We have to get over it sooner or
later, so what do you say we all go and get ourselves some ice-cream?" Mina
said with enthusiasm.

All: *speechless*
Kyo L.: What in the ever-loving fucking hell is this bullshit?! They knew that she would lose her memories as Sailor Mercury, and they're just gonna sit around and accept this crap? This is definitely not a Sailor Moon fic!
Sonic: The power of friendship died.

It was agreed, and so the scouts made their way towards the ice-cream
parlor.

Mai: Yes, let's ignore the fact that Ami's going to lose her memories. Let's just get some delicious soft-serve ice cream. What a wonderful lesson to teach the children.

When a few feet from the entrance, a huge portal opened above them
and five Curious looking girls appeared before them. They floated towards
the ground from the mouth of the swirling aperture.

Kyo K.: Uh, didn't they see them earlier in the fic? Did they get their memories wiped, too?

"Sorry ladies ... your ice-cream date is cancelled!" said the girl in
the middle.

Then one by one they stepped forward and introduced themselves, "I am Sailor
Elusion.

" I am Sailor Black-Light!"

"I am Sailor Memory.

" I am Sailor Death."

"And I am Sailor Tundra!"

"We are the Nega -Scouts!" they cried as one voice.

All: *unimpressed*
Kyo L.: I should've made this joke earlier. Hey, let's get Sailor Black-Light to a motel so she can find the semen stains on the beds there.
Sonic, Kyo K., Mai: *gagging*
Kyo K.: You should have never made that joke, you damn fluff ball.

Without preamble, Lita and Mina had transformed. Jupiter and Venus soon
joined them.

"Come on Serena, transform into Sailor Moon!" Rei shouted.

"What are you waiting for!" bellowed Lita.

Elusion laughed coldly, tossing back her dark mane.

Mai: Oh, so she's a horse.

"You are such fools. I
can't believe you haven't noticed that your precious Princess, Serena is
gone! I command you, clone able, to assume your true identity!"

"Yes, mistress." The shape-shifter announced while changing into her
original form -- a whooshing sound accompanying the transformation.

Sonic: Uh, I thought that Clone able was a he.
Kyo L.: Fic can't keep up with its own damn canon now. Just... wow. There are five fics of this?

" Oh no! where's Serena?" Rei demanded glaring at their new adversaries.

"Oh right about now, Serena and Prince Diamond are about to be married!"

Sonic: In what universe?
Mai: This jumbled universe.

"That's funny, why hasn't Rei transformed ... surely she's not a
shape-shifter?" Jupiter muttered under her breath. "Rei! Why haven't you
transform?" Jupiter demanded balling her gloved hands into fists.

"Because I gave up my powers to be with Darien.

Kyo L.: *sarcastically* Priorities.

Darien and I are getting
married this fall... now that Rini and Serena are gone. If I were you, I
would suggest you give up your powers!" answered Rei, a note of triumph in
her voice.

"Yeah ... do what she says and hand over your power sticks. Now! We've
already acquired yours, Rei ... thanks to Darien!" boasted Elusion.

Kyo K.: It was buried in the damn ground. Did they dig it up offscreen?

"Sailor Elusion, it would be my pleasure if you would suck my energy into
the dark crystal until there's no life left within my body!" she cried with
a look of bliss on her face, her arms spreading a gesture of supplication.

Kyo L.: Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Mai: *stunned*
Sonic: *sputters, begins laughing*
Kyo K.: I chose to riff as a hobby. I have made mistakes in my life...

"It would be my..." Elusion began , but her words died on her lips.

Mai: And then they crushed her face.

"Not so fast!" a voice called out.

Sonic: And who was it?
Kyo K.: Who cares?

ACT 12: THE MOON KINGDOM

"Hello Ami," greeted Princess Sensara.

Mai: *bored* Hooray, it was a crummy stalling cliffhanger.

"Hello Princess" Ami replied dropping a curtsey.

The Outer Scouts were dismissed and withdrew.

"Now follow me and I will show you your room/office." another scout
instructed.

Mai: Let me show you to your room... slash, and or office. Great. Makes sense.

"Ami, I will expect to see you at dinner, Sailor Comet will attend to your
every need ... and

Kyo L.: And who the fuck is Sailor Comet?!
Sonic: She's the Scout of clean bathroom tiles.

if you've any questions, she will be more than happy to
answer as best she can. By for now." Princess Sensara embraced Mercury and
stepped back regarding her thoughtfully. She nodded as Ami thanked the
princess, who turned on her heel and left Ami with the Lunarean Scout.

Kyo K.: Wait, that's the whole act?
Sonic: Yep.
Kyo K.: Also, why isn't Ami transforming and getting the heck out of there? Does she still have her pen?
Mai: If she does, then this fic is really going down the tubes.
Kyo L.: Fic's already in the sewers, Mai.

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