Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Four Riffers, Episode 1: Tohru's big birthday BASH

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Warning: This fic contains badly written sex scenes. Proceed to laugh at them.

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Disclaimer: I dont own fruits basket DONT SUE ME!!!

Kyo K.: I could sue you for using incorrect punctuation.

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Axl: I gotta cut this fic at the dotted line? Oh, man...

it was tohru's 18th birthday and she was so happy and shigure was so happy dat she was legal now!!

Kyo L.: If that's why you're happy, you need to take a new lease on life.

she said "thx for the cake ppl, but i am gonna go to my room to relax" and she walked up to her room, but while she did it she couldnt help but rub her pussy.

Axl: And she rubbed it with the cake.
Sonic: *spits his chili dog out*
Kyo L.: *clutches his stomach while laughing loudly*
Kyo K.: You are a sad squirrel, Spikes.

when she got to her room she went to her bed and lay der, and kept rubbin her pussy harder and harder 'ooohhh im so horny' she thought to her self.

Sonic: You all are going to hate me for this, but... *sings* I have an appetite for sex, 'cause me so horny--
Kyo L., Kyo K., Axl: *groans*
Sonic: Told ya.

but den she heard footsteps cuming to her room,

All: Obviously.

but she was totaly naked, like totaly,

Kyo K.: *with blond hair, now talking in a surfer voice* Dude! Looks like I'm going to be making waves here!
Axl: You scare me.

she had to cover up, but it was too late, her door was slammed open, and kyo was standing there starring at her, and she was NAKED!!

All: Buh-Dur!
Kyo L.: And lock your door next time, dipshit!

"umm, kyo..." she said, but he covered her mouth and said "ur fingers arent gonna do the trick" and he winked at her as he pulled down his pants showing his BIG FAT COCK.

Sonic: And that was a BIG FAT LIE.

den he rammed it in her pussy and she screamed "ahhh oh yeaaaaaaaaa" den he cummed and her and she lay der kissing him.

Axl: That's why they call him "The Minuteman".

den she heard more footsteps comin to her room and der was shigure BIG FAT COCK STICKING OUT AND YUKI TOO!!

Sonic: WHY THE HECK IS THE AUTHOR YELLING AT US?!
Kyo K.: After what I just read with Beni and the Tsukinos, I'm not in the mood to look at anything that is or looks phallic.
Kyo L.: *slowly licks a popsicle in front of Kyo K.*
Kyo K.: *smacks the popsicle out of Kyo L.'s hand* What the hell did I just say, Fox Clone?

"ur legal now" shigure said "so lets fuck all night, and have a foursome"

Axl: Come on, do what most girls do to celebrate their virginity... like auction it off!

"kay" said tohru, and dey fucked all night long.

Kyo K., Axl: ...
Sonic: *sarcastically* Well, that was incredibly erotic.
Kyo L.: This makes me want to rip off a prostitute Secret Service style.

3 months later she took a pregnancy test, and she wuz pregnant.

Kyo K.: *facepalms* How... what?
Axl: What? There's no morning sickness or anything? Just... you just decide to buy and use one for the heck of it?
Kyo L.: Great. This only further proves the point that only the incredibly retarded people who worship reality stars can breed.
Sonic: Care to shave that off a little?
Kyo L.: Sure, Sonic. *clears throat* The dumbfuck's knocked up after wating three months! Somebody else could've seeded her up then!
Sonic: Nice change of language. *shrugs*

so either shigure, kyo or yuki wuz da father. WHO WAS IT?

Axl: *looks at Kyo K.* Was it you?
Kyo K.: *raises an eyebrow* You are out of your squirrelly little mind.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Sonic: ...in Hell, apparently.

2. Talk show invitations

hey i'm back i hope u like da story,

Axl: *raises his hand* I don't. May I club you?

maybe dey r out of character

Kyo K.: "Maybe"?!

but i dun care dis is jus a smut fic and i wuz only gonna make it a *one shot* at first so stop complaining ok?

Sonic: *sighs* When will these people learn that they'll get no complaints if they don't publish it on the Internet?
Kyo K.: When they grow a third arm out of their butts, Gumball.

no lemonz in this chapter, sorry.

Kyo L.: Thank god.

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shigure kyo and yuki waited to hear her pregnancy results. she came and running down the stairs and told everyone that the results were in.

Kyo L.: *as Maury* In the case of the three month old fetus...
Sonic: Yeah, too bad that both of those actions took three months each. By then, she didn't need to tell them.
Axl: And why's she running down the stairs while she's pregnant? What if she trips and miscarries?
Kyo K.: That's actually a good thought, Spikes. Let her trip. We already have enough stupid people in Bad Fanfic Land, anyway.

"well tell us arleady" kyo said. she was a bit nervous but she said it. 'i... i... i..." they got annoyed.

Kyo L.: Well, I'm already annoyed. Also, I'm pretty sure that no kid wants to be told that Mom and Dad's sex session to make them was equivalent to the time that it took to heat up some Uncle Ben's rice.

"immmmmmm..... A MOMMY!"

they all gasped.

Sonic: Come on, she's three months pregnant. I'm pretty sure that at least some sign of a pregnant belly is showing.

then shigure said "who iz da father then?" but tohru didn't know what to say, cuz she knew dat she slept with all three of dem at once.

Axl: *holds up a condom* I got one for free in sex ed. Well... that's if those kinds of classes even exist nowadays...

"i dunno" she said "i guess we will have to find out"

the next day shigure came running into the living room and he ran so fast he could hardly breather.

"ugh...ugh...ugh...guess what guys" said shigure, "WHAT" they all screamed.

Axl: Why's he climaxing all over the place?
Kyo K.: That's what we call "storage"... or lack thereof.

"i got us tickets to the maury show, and we can all find out who da father iz on dat." said shigure.

Kyo L.: *remembers the riff that he said earlier* It just had to bite me in the ass, huh?

"what the fuck is that" said kyo.

Sonic: So... which one of you Kyos said that?
Kyo L., Kyo K.: *waves Sonic off while mumbling*

"its a show in america, and we are all getting free plane tickets, and we will leave tomorrow" said shigure, but they didnt know if they wanted to go on live television to find out who da father wuz.

Kyo K.: You mean to tell me that they're going to fly halfway around the world just so they can embarrass themselves and their country on moron television?
Axl: Yes. And knowing them, they're going to get hounded to attend Everest.

so the next day they all packed der thingz and went on the trip to america to go on the maury show. they brought everything cuz they didnt know how long dey would be der.

Kyo L.: Total trip duration... twelve minutes. Apparently, that's how long it takes to record one segment.
Sonic: You left out the constant retakes of the women running backstage. Add another twelve minutes to that.

"are you all ready miss honda" said yuki. "yes" she said, "but if ur the father, please start calling me tohru." said tohru. "ok i promise" he said. "I COULD BE THE FATHER" said kyo.

Axl: Thank you, Mister Megaphone.

"fuck you, its me" said shigure. they all started fighting, and tohru said "STOP" and she grabbed them turning dem into animals. "whoops" she said.

Kyo L.: I'm surprised that there's no idiotic "innocent" giggle. Maybe we're making some progress here.
Kyo K.: Only if you don't count the sacrifices of punctuation, spacing, or brains.

the next day, they got on the plane, and when dey arrived in america, dey got ready to find out the results...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Axl: Wait... couldn't they just do a DNA test in Japan without having to travel halfway around the world? That's a lot of money that they wasted there.
Sonic: *pats Axl's shoulder* Hey, not bad for pointing the obvious logic there.
Axl: Thanks.
Sonic: *frowns* Unfortunately, you're a riffer. You're not supposed to use logic.
Axl: Oh.

3. And here we go...

All: To Hell?

hey all, ok im addin chapter 3 now, dis takes place when dey is on da talk show ta find out who da babys daddy iz.

Kyo K.: *mumbles* No shit.
Axl: Sonic? Are you imagining your sister correcting this thing?
Sonic: Yes... and I'm imagining your sister doing that with her.

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*flashback*
tohru wuz at da hospital and she had her baby, it wuz a baby girl and she named it kyoko after her muther.

Kyo L.: So... we're not on the talk show now?

it is now 1 month old and dey are in america to go on da talk show
*end flashback*

Kyo K.: Wait, why was that a flashback? Why couldn't that be at the end of the last chapter... forget it, my brain's seeping through my skull now.
Axl: But what I want to know is... did she have the kid in America?
Sonic: Who knows, who cares?

ok dey arrived in america, and dey are now getting ready to go on da talk show.

Sonic: But before that... another pointless flashback came up, screwing up the already screwed up fic even further!

"ok lets see, where do we go" asked shigure.

Kyo L.: How 'bout up my--
Axl: Thank you, buddy!

"umm ahh here it is" he said.

they all went in the back of the show and they got ready to go on.

Kyo K.: Yep, screw applications, screw all of that producing crap, screw it all. Just sneak into the show like you're breaking into a movie theater, and you're all set to mess up not just your own reputation, but also your country's reputation on a shitty "talk show" shoutfest.
Sonic: Eh, sounds about right.

"ok, we're back" said maury

Axl: I wanna see what happened before! Was the thirteenth dude the baby's daddy?
Kyo L.: No. I just saved you a whole hour of your life. Now read a book.

"today we have with us a girl from japan, tohru honda" he said. "it turns out she had an orgy with 3 men in one night, and she has no idea who da babys daddy is".

All: *imitates the audience's usual surprised reactions*

"ok welcome to the show tohru" he said. "hi its nice to be here" she said.

Sonic: No, it's not "nice". Unless you're a correspondent or something for that show, it's nowhere near "nice".

"so tell us tohru, who do you WANT the babys daddy to be?" she got a puzzled look in her face.

Axl: How about we spin the wheel of possible fathers, hmm?
Kyo K.: If only that wasn't almost every guest on that shoutfest...

"ummm, well i guess any one of them would do, but it might be better if it was kyo or yuki, shigure is a bit too old for me".

Kyo L.: Should've thought about that before you orgied it out with him.

"well, before we bring the guys out" maury said "lets see what they had to say behind ur back"

Kyo L.: *as the guys* Slut.
Axl: *as the guys* Slut.
Sonic: *wearing a top hat and monocle* I say, there is a potential 33.3 percent chance that I could be the father of this wondrous bundle of joy...
Kyo K.: *sighs* Really, Gumball?

a video started playing in the background

Sonic: Whoops, that's a lesbian porn vid! Switch it off!
Kyo L., Kyo K., Axl: Why?

*begin shigure*
"i dunno why that bitch thinks the baby culd be mine, she a slut and needs to leave me alone"
*end shigure

Kyo K.: Aren't those video interviews supposed to be longer than that?
Sonic: Yep. And don't forget to add "gems" like, "She's like a bicycle, everyone takes her for a ride!"
Kyo K.: *deadpan* How romantic.

*begin kyo*
"bitch go to hell, it aint mine"
*end kyo*

Axl: Sounds like you, man.
Kyo L.: *grumbles*

*begin yuki*
"she thinks if da baby is mine, she gets to command me, she told i had to call her by her first name just if its mine"
*end yuki*

Sonic: No, she said "Please". There is a difference.

tohru started crying, and maury said "its ok, lets bring the men out"

*music starts playing"

Axl: Yeah, considering that there's only one song for said "music"... a bunch of crummy beats.

audience: "booooooooooooooooooooo"

the guys made faces at the audience and kyo flicked em off.

Sonic: Oh, so it really is Kyo LeMaire!
Kyo L.: Bite my fuzzy ass, you spiny blue thing.

"ok guys" maury said "what if the baby does turn out to be one of urs"

Kyo K.: Do what most men on that show do... make a speech about "standing up" and then abandon the poor sap if they're the dad.

"well even though its NOT mine" said kyo "of coarse i will help her raise it" then yuki said "well i will help raise it, but i will still call u miss honda if i want to" tohru said "fine, ok..." and shigure said "yea sure ill raise it"

All: Uh-huh. Yep.

"OK TOHRU" shouted maury "are u ready to hear the results" "yes" she said.

Axl: Well, that was a quick segment!
Sonic: Anything beats a crappy scream fest.

"in the case of 1 month old kyoko, yuki, you are NOT the father"

"in the case of 1 month old kyoko, kyo, you are NOT the father"

"WHAT" everyone shouted. then kyo and yuki got a look on their face 'that means its the perverts baby' they thought. "hold on guys im not done yet" said maury....

Kyo L.: Buh-dur-hay... I think.

"shigure" he said...

"in the case of 1 month old kyoko..."

drumroll....

Kyo K.: Commercial break!
Axl: *laughs* Oh, god!

"you are NOT the father"

everyone in the audience gasped!!!

Axl: 'Cept for us.

everyone in the room was surprised except for tohru, she sat there like she had some little secret that she didnt tell them...

Kyo L.: Like how she managed to avoid running backstage.

then it hit them 'if its not our baby SHE MUST HAVE SLEPT WITH SOME OTHER GUY'

All: *clapping slowly*
Sonic: Congratulations, you've finally graduated the second grade at the tender young age of 32. What do you have to say?

WHO IS THE FATHER, AND WHO DID TOHRU SLEEP WITH?

Kyo K.: An evil male clone of herself?

TO BE CONTINUED...

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ill try to put lemonz in the next chapter.

All: No!
Kyo L.: Don't try! As a matter of fact, don't try to write anything else!

4. Who was the father? *FINAL CHAPTER*

ok every1, like da title sayz dis will b da last chapter, i no u guyz r mad

Axl: No, we're not.
Kyo L.: As a matter of fact, I'm extremely elated.
Sonic: Then why do you still look angry?
Kyo L.: I don't have to smile to show happiness, you.

but i cant think of ne ideas so i am gunna finish it up, BIG LEMONZ IN DIS CHAPTER YAY!!! ^_^

Sonic: I'd rather eat an actual lemon.

letz find out who da father wuz

Kyo K.: I, uh... how about "no"?

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they all got off da plane and headed back home. none of them would talk to each other cuz they were super mad, especially at tohru cuz of wat she did to dem.

Sonic: Tch, I would've packed my bags and left.
Kyo L.: And why are the guys mad at each other and her? I mean, they all stumbled into an orgy.

"look you guys i know i shuld of told u guys dis before but..."

Axl: Yeah, way to leave 'em in the dark, moron. Got an important life issue and you need to lie about it? Leave 'em in the dark!

tohru was interrupted "HOW COULD YOU DO DIS TO US MISS HONDA?" yuki screamed.

den she stopped 'oh if hes dis mad, hes gonna be more mad wen he findz out who i slept wit' tohru thought.

Kyo K.: Which is who? Every other guy in the cast?!
Axl: Not that there's anything wrong with that. Only problem was the lack of protection.

as they were coming up to the house they heard sum rustling in the bushes. then out poped a familiar snake. "hissss" the snake said wit a grin on itz face.

Sonic: A snake can grin. A snake can grin and say stuff like... "hissss". Really?

yuki gave a bad look at da snake. den da snake said "my my, is dis neway 2 talk to ur own brotha" da snake said.

Kyo L.: And why did I just think about Akuma for a moment there...?

"oh great just what we need" hissed kyo.

"aya" shigure said "itz been a long time". aya responded "im sorry i kept u waiting shigure, i wont eva hurt u again" and shigure said "u know i would forgive u" and dey smiled at each other.

Axl: And then the Titanic sank into the incredibly cold ocean.

"OH CUT IT OUT" yelled kyo.

Sonic: Does he have bass speakers attached to his mouth or something?

and den ayame went up to tohru "well how has my lil flower been?" he said.

Kyo L.: *as Ayame* With those petals being wide open and all, I presume?
Kyo K.: *slaps Kyo L. on the back of his head*
Kyo L.: *rubs his head* Holy sh--
Kyo K.: Mute it, Fox Clone.

tohru blushed and touch hiz cheek "i been good" and dey had a deep smile at teach other.

Axl: She's been good?
Kyo K.: Yeah, and I'm seven feet tall. Let's ignore the talk show mess.

'wat da hell iz dis about?' yuki shigure and kyo thought.

Kyo L.: So, Sonic... you say that they got out of the second grade at the age of 32, huh?
Sonic: And it's going to take them eight years to pass the third, too.

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Kyo K.: *tries to light the dotted line with his flames* Hope this leads to a stick of dynamite or something.

"well if ur gonna stay here" shigure said "i gues we need ta find a place for u to sleep". den ayame said "but i already have a place ta sleep,

Kyo L.: Of course he does. It's in her--
Axl: Thank you, buddy!

i wil sleep in..." tohru interrupted him "no no" she whispered in his ear "we cant let dem know this soon".

Sonic: Considering that they're too dumb to figure everything out, I guess she can lie for another two decades.

it wuz late at night, prob at midnight, and every1 was asleep. well everyone was SUPPOSIDLY asleep. yuki woke up in da middle of da nite, and heard noises. he went to da kitchen and got sumthing ta drink. as he went back ta bed, he heard noises cumin from tohrus room.

Axl: He's not hurting her, Yuki. Go back to bed.

*in tohru's room*
ayame started kissin tohru on da forehead, den he kissed her boobz. "uhhhhh" she moaned.

Kyo K.: "Uhhhhh," I retched.

ayame put his BIG FAT COCK

Sonic: AS OPPOSED TO HIS small skinny cock...

inside of tohru tight pussy and dey started fuckin hard. "ohhh yes yes yes" ayame moaned and tohru responded "uhhh ohh ayame".

Kyo L.: This is the "big lemon", huh?
Sonic: *holds an actual large lemon* Yes. Want a piece?
Kyo L.: No, I'm good.
Sonic: *cuts the lemon* Your loss.

yuki heard from outside da room, and he was scared cause he though 'oh no sum1 broke into our house and is RAPING MISS HONDA'. so he burst open da door.

All: *facepalms*
Kyo K.: *mutters* Stupid idiots everywhere...

"MISS HONDA!" he screamed.

"oh yuki-kun" tohru said "u should knock...". "why hello der big brother" ayame still had his cock inside of tohru when kyo and shigure heard da noise and stood next to yuki. dey all culdnt believe wat dey were seein.

Kyo L.: Consensual sex... as opposed to a huge orgy... and you can't believe that the former is happening?! What the--
Sonic: *slaps Kyo L. on the back of his head* Relax, you.
Kyo L.: *rubs his head* Jeez, fine!

"now why didnt u guyz invite us" shigure smirked.

Axl: So we can repeat the same nonsense from the previous chapters? Are you all nuts?
Kyo K.: Wrong word, Spikes.
Axl: Oops.

"well now dat tohru had a baby wid me, i think itz only right if we get married and i be da only 1 who getz to fuck her, dont u agree?" ayame said.

Kyo K.: *sarcasm* What wonderful logic.
Sonic: *sucking on a lemon wedge* No wonder people divorce so quickly.

'no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! THIS CANT BE!!!!!' yuki thought.

Axl: Could've been a lot more convincing if you actually said it. Just saying.

yuki ran outside and vomited. kyo and shigure ran outside and vomited as well. but yuki was da most depressed.

Kyo L.: Actually... I was da most dapressed. Because of dem morons not thinking with der brains.
Kyo K.: Sounds like you're losing yours, Fox Clone.

'how how how how how' he thought 'this is a dream dis cant be happening' yuki kept thinking.

Sonic: *as Yuki* Maybe if I smash my head against this rock three hundred times, I'll wake up...

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tohru and ayame got married and dey lived happlily ever after.

yuki commited suicide.

Sonic: Oh. Oh, god.
Kyo K.: That's... that's some pretty dark irony there.
Sonic: I know.
Kyo L.: Maybe Maury should've given Yuki that "I adopted children" story.

kyo and shigure became secret lovers and fucked hard every night.

Axl: Uh... okay...?

THE END!!!!

well datz ma story, hope u guyz liked it,

All: We didn't.

and be prepared for ma next fanfic which is a kyoru story i know u guyz r gonna love and it will have tonz of lemonz in it! YAY!

Axl: What the hell is that author cheering about? A dude comitted suicide because he was being lied to!
Sonic, Kyo L., Kyo K.: Quit the logic finding, you!
Axl: But you guys did that stuff, too!
Kyo L.: Yeah, but we don't hope that they'll listen to us, pal. There's a difference.

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