Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 8: The New Girl (KRZR24 version) (Part Four)

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Chapter 8

Thanks for the review Sonikka!! I really appreciate it. And if your reading this story, PLEASE REVIEW!! I would find it quite helpful, and nice, and-

Sasha: RAMBLING!!

Amy: *angry* Shut your fucking face!
Sonic, Tails: *stunned*
Sonic: *whistles* Well!
Tails: That break didn't help at all, did it?
Sonic: *takes a deep breath, lets it out* Nope. No wonder Axl called her "Angry Amy" when we had that conversation.

Me: Sorry. I'll stop.

Shadow: No you won't, you'll keep on rambling and rambling like an idiot until-

Me: Shadow, do you want to be in a tutu?

Shadow: Shutting up.

Me: Good. And you were rambling too, so yeah.

Amy: I love how you won't call out your own Mary Sue for being a rude brat, but you can threaten to put Shadow in a tutu. Double standards ahoy, Suethor!

Does any one want to do the disclaimer?

Amy: I'll try it.

Me: Go for it.

Amy: KRZR24 doesn't own anyone except Sasha, Xavier(who comes up in this chapter), and Joe (the old dude in the chapter before), and SEGA owns the rest of us.

Sasha: On with the story!!

Sonic: You mean the wretched mess that thinks that it's a story?
Tails: Your sister's rubbing off on you.

Sonic: Who says that?? I mean, really.

Sasha: Hey Amy, did you know that blue and pink go very nicely together?

Amy: (blushes) No, I didn't.

Sasha: And did you know that there are many people out there who would pay a lot of cash to see Sonic in a pink tutu singing "Barbie Girl"?

Amy: No. Shut up.

Amy: Oh, I get-

Me: And do you realize that with my authoress powers I could make a lot of money.

Tails: No, you won't. Not with this terrible fic.
Sonic: Hey, people lacking empathy and being full of themselves is what's raking in the cash now!
Amy: Unfortunately.

Amy: Yes.

Me: And don't you think that it would be in a certain blue hedgehog' interests to shut up before that happened.

Amy: Yes.

Sonic: Shutting up.

Tails: This Suethor has a real ego. Call her out, and she'll threaten you.
Amy: But her horrible Sue gets a pass. Because of course she can.
Tails: I'm starting to wonder if the Sue is a self-insert.
Sonic: Oh, well, I'm just going to riff this to shreds now.

Me: Oh, before I forget, Xavier's 14, and Joe is 65.

Tails: Like it matters. We probably won't care about them, anyway.

Sasha's POV

Amy: *flatly* Yay. Just who we needed.

After the eventful day at the mall,

Tails: ...which was actually tedious...

I went over to Amy's place.

Sonic: Yeah, you're just the perfect visitor for Ames, huh?
Amy: If you hear any screaming, and it's not from me... don't call the police.

Frappuccino was outside, and she seemed pretty excited. She showed me the picture of Blaze and Shadow hugging, and it was pure gold. I couldn't wait to show Blaze. I examined each of the pictures, mine and Frapp's, and everyone looked pretty adorable. Rouge was hugging Dreadlocks, and he was looking fake annoyed. The dude with Blaze was looking grumpy, but Blaze looked happy. The cute silver dude looked ecstatic and Amy seemed pretty happy herself. But behind the cut-ish couple was a very displeased Sonic, and Joe looking kinda creepy. Although it may not look like it, when you get an old dude to do something for you, they ask for a lot. Like, Joe asked for 40 . . . an hour. My plan only took one hour, but still. Lucky for me, he didn't know that I was talking about Zimbabwean dollars (40 Zimbabwean dollars equals 0.092230 cents in American dollars, aka less than a penny).

Tails: Uh... this fic... shouldn't take place in the real world. He should've been paid in rings.
Sonic: And aside from that... what the heck is wrong with you, Sue?
Amy: You're a sociopath. And a scammer. You're just an all-around horrible person. Why are we supposed to like you?!
Tails: At this rate, she might as well steal his Medicare checks. That's how horrible she is.
Amy: Has she ever heard of bargaining?
Sonic: Nope. It's just funnier to scam old people! *laughs weakly* Oh... someone please get Keiko in here so she can slice me in half.
Amy: You? You need to get her to slice that Sue like a pizza!

And at then end, he came slipped me a piece of paper that had his name on it and I think it was his phone number. That was sketchy. That will scar me for life.

Tails: Do not tell me that she's so attractive that older folks like to hit on her.
Amy: I hate this fic so much. I hate this Mary Sue so much. I hate myself so much.
Sonic: *pulls out his cell phone, begins dialing*
Tails: Uh, Sonic?
Sonic: Hang on. *on his phone* Yeah, uh... this is LeMaire Medical, right? I think I have that diab--
Amy: *slaps the phone out of Sonic's hand*
Sonic: *grimaces* I was one step away from freedom, Ames.
Amy: You're suffering along with us. Do not think that you will escape without us.

I have to thank Xavier for those tracking devices. I know, I know. Who's Xavier? My little brother whose a genius. Amy said that she knows a boy genius too, and that they would probably give each other ideas and stuff. I think she called him Tails. Whatever.

Tails: *casually looks up from his Miles Electric* I will end you.
Sonic: *laughs*

Anyways, Xavier is always making something new, and I usually test them out like the kind doting sister I am.

Amy: *narrows her eyes* That is bull dung, and you know it, Sue. Shut up.

(Xavier: KIND?? DOTING?? HAHAHAHAHAHA, that's funny)

Tails: Thank you.

They usually work, and we both get something out of it. It's like some famous dude said: Quid pro quo. Something for something. He gets a new successful science project for a couple years from now, I get . . .stuff that could possibly lead me to be incarcerated if I told you what it was. Which is why I won't.

Sonic: Oh, yes, please tell us. Please. I want to see you make license plates for the next century.

Your third question might be: Why on Earth would Sasha need tracking devices? That's classified information. Sorry. But, they did come in handy today at the mall. (Sasha: Why I carry these around? That's classified information. Xavier: No it isn't. You use them to- Sasha: Xavier, shut up)

Amy: I want to shove a grenade down her throat.
Sonic: Get in line.

Flashback

All: *groans*
Sonic: Why?!

"Good, then listen to me. . ."

After explaining the plan, Sasha added, "Oh by the way, take these." She pulled out a box filled with tiny dots. "What are these," Rouge asked.

"Xavier my little bother made these-"

"Don't you mean brother," Blaze questioned.

"Either one works.

Tails: Oh, the hipocrisy.

Anyways, Xavier made these little dots here. They're actually tracking devices, and I have a little device that can tell you exactly where each one is. At one point, I want each of you to put these on one of the guys. I don't care how/when/where you do it, as long as it gets done. Then, the next time they're out, we can "accidentally" run into them. Don't forget!!"

"Sasha I have one question. . .Why do you-?"

"That's classified information."

Sonic: Oh. Great. She promotes stalking! You do know that you could go to jail for this, right?
Tails: Logic? In this nonsense, Sonic?
Sonic: Hey, let a hedgehog dream, buddy.

End Flashback

So that's how it happened. Each mission was a success, like I knew it would be.

Amy: And then I hired Kyo LeMaire to do a live cremation. *smiles* It was a success, like I knew it would be.
Tails: *blinks* Huh.

Amy's POV

When I went inside, I saw Sasha on her laptop, and she was holding her camera. She told me that all the photos turned out great and she showed them each to me. I nearly choked on laughter by seeing Sonic uber-upset like that. I have never seen him this upset since like. . .never. It was preety funny.

Amy: Yeah, nothing's more hilarious than a whiny "Nice Guy".
Sonic: I think I've lost my will to live.
Tails: Well, clearly. You did jump out of a window to try to avoid this fic.

I thought that it would be a great plan to invite Rouge, Blaze, Cream, and Cheese over for a sleepover tonight, to discuss the day's issues, and talk about world important issues concerning our-

Who am I kidding, we were gonna have a party.

Sonic: Yeah, intelligent discussion's for losers!
Tails: It would be a real party if a meteor would come down on everyone and end the fic.
Amy: I welcome the upcoming apocalypse.

So at the party, we were all chilling and having fun, along with Cheese and Frapp, and we were having fun, when we ran out of popcorn.

Amy: How about some mothballs instead?
Sonic: I would rather chew some instead of reading this fic.

Since it was my place, I decided to go get some. Rouge and Blaze offered to come, but I said it was ok. On my way back, I got lost in some alley. That was not a good idea.

Amy: What is it with bad fics and alleys?
Sonic: They go together like BP, Exxon... and oceans.
Tails: Yeesh.

Some fox walked up to me, checks me out, and then asks, "How much?" Naturally, I told him to get the hell away from me. Obviously he didn't get the signal, and then grabs my arm as I'm walking away. I turn around and get my hammer, but there's no need for that because Sonic and Silver randomly show up, and start beating the everything out of that guy.

Tails: *sarcastically* Yeah, girls shouldn't fight.
Sonic: *sighs* Like Emi and Yoko before her, Amy has her love interest come in to save the day. Seriously, the "endangered girl in the alley" thing is so played out.
Tails: But I will give some credit here; at least Amy was about to use her hammer.

I decided it was probably best to wait and thank them then to just leave. When they were done, they started glaring at each other and were about to have a fight when I came up to Silver and gave him a hug. I told him thanks and gave one to Sonic too. Sonic asked me what I was doing out at this time, and I told them that I was

Amy: *as herself* ...trying to flee the fic! You have to come with me and save yourselves, too!

having a sleepover, and we ran out of popcorn. Then I asked them what they were doing out, and they both blushed started stuttering. That was the first time I ever saw Sonic stutter.

Tails: Is he having a heart attack?
Sonic: At this rate, I'd pay to see that happen.

He looked pretty cute, I mean he was blushing, he was looking away from me, he was. . .sorry, it comes from my fangirl/stalker days. Anyways, I laughed it off, and let them walk me home. Rouge answered the door, raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. As soon as the guys left the building, Rouge turned and said on word: "Spill".

Sonic: Is this short for "spilling the tea" or something?
Amy: *with a tea set* If that's the case, we're going to spill it all over this fic. Do you guys want any snacks with your tea?
Sonic: How 'bout some chili dogs?
Amy: *raises an eyebrow* With hot tea, Sonic?
Sonic: *as he takes a cup* Don't hate, Ames.
Tails: *snickers*
Amy: Honestly...
Sonic: Yeah, I'm so sophisticated! Pinky up!
Tails: *laughs*

Sonic's POV

That was weird. I mean, me stalking Amy. It felt really weird. But it was a good thing since I was the one who saved her. That asshole named Silver won't admit though. I mean, I was the first person to start pulverizing the dude, and it was ME who delivered the first and final blows.

Sonic: *angry* Oh, my god! Shut up, me! You're not entitled to Amy's body!
Tails: Been a while since I've seen you get this heated.
Sonic: Ugh! No wonder Sonia can't stand guys like that! They're so creepy!
Amy: Can I flatten him, too?
Sonic: No. You knock that faker into the Sun, Ames.
Tails: This is inching closer to a Catastrophic Failure by the minute.
Sonic: I really don't want it to go there.

Silver's POV

Everyone says Sonic s a world class hero. I say he's a world class asshole.

All: *applauds*
Sonic: Someone in this fic finally said it! Thank you!

I mean, he had four years to get a chance with Amy, and when she would come up to him everyday, he would turn around and run. Now, she's moved on to me, and he goes wacko. Nuts, crazy, off the wall, and anything else that means that.

Amy: One word... entitlement.
Tails: It's even more jarring when you remember that he suddenly started caring when she was forced to switch to tight clothes.
Sonic: So... the message of this fic is... "Dresses are bad, and it's good when a guy obsesses over you because you're now wearing skinny jeans!"?
Tails: I guess.
Sonic: ...burn this fic.
Amy: *gets up, walks to the window* One moment. *peeks out of the window* Are you still down there, Mr. Kusanagi?
Kyo: Alright, what do you want, Piko? You're not going to jump again, are you?
Amy: Oh, Miyu's with you. Um, I'm not jumping. I'm just just asking if you're willing to burn a fic.
Kyo: *looks at Miyu* Glasses, do you know where your angry boyfriend is? Because I'm not burning anything tonight.
Miyu: He's at the movies with his sister. *as she sips her coffee* At least it's a movie that won't press his buttons.
Amy: Oh. Okay. *as she walks to her seat* Mr. Kusanagi's not doing it. We'll have to find the other Kyo when he gets back.
Tails: But he's just going to cause armageddon!
Sonic: Good. I want to see armageddon.

As soon as we get to the house, he starts talking to Tails and telling him that he was the reason why Amy was safe tonight. I was like WTF??

All: And so were we.
Amy: And stop with the chatspeak.

Then we started fighting, and we would have broken more than the TV, when Shadow just zaps us both with some attack. He tells us that we owe him a new TV (even though it wasn't his, and he never watches TV), and then he tells us that we're getting it tomorrow, and we better not break anything else, or we're out on the streets. So yeah, that's what happened.

Tails: That would be the saddest reason for being homeless. *as Sonic* Yeah, I thought that I was entitled to a woman's body, so I'm out on the streets. *shakes a can* Donations?
Sonic: My sister would kick that can up my butt.

Sasha's POV

Amy: Great. Back to this waste of flesh.

So the next day, I decided to check up on our male tracker. Apparently, they were all on the way to the mall. I was already dressed, and Amy was in the shower. While she was the Normally she would spend hours in the shower, but today I told her I saw Sonic flirting with some girl. She got out in 5 seconds, wielding her hammer, a deadly look her eyes. "Where is she," she asked, twitching. I told her that was a joke. A bad joke. A very bad joke for me.

Sonic: And she didn't flatten you... why?
Tails: You know why.

I spent thirty minutes locked inside a closet. It was not a nice closet. Amy's hammer polish. Amy 's collection of skulls (each with a feminine name on them).

Amy: Those were all of the Mary Sues that I killed before Jessie and James got to them! *twirls her hammer, gives a slasher smile* Guess who's next!

Shadow's frilly pink tutu. Photos of Shadow in the tutu. Photos of Sonic laughing at Shadow (who's still in the tutu). Photos of Shadow (in the tutu) strangling Sonic.

Sonic: Should've strangled "me" harder.

A video of Amy beating up Shadow. Near the end of the video, it looks like Amy realized she was being taped, and started to go after the camera person. A picture of Shadow in the hospital, still in the tutu. Each was dated. All the same day. I was afraid. I was very afraid.

Tails: ...this is humor?
Sonic: It's only funny if you're sedated.

Afterwards, Rouge and Blaze came over, and we went to the mall for an "accidental" running into the guys.

Tails: *flatly* Oh, great. Now we're back at the mall. *halfheartedly waves his hands* Yippee.
Amy: Is this the alternate version of the beach from that Sabrina fic that I riffed for a little bit?
Sonic: Might as well be.

Silver's POV

Sonic and I basically stopped communication all together, so by the time we got to the mall, there was complete silence. After picking up the TV, we were on our way back when we ran into the girls. Except there was a new addition. Besides Amy, Rouge, and Blaze, there was the really hot girl that made Amy look like a cardboad box.

Amy: ...
Sonic, Tails: *worried*
Amy: *screams as she smashes the screen with her Piko Piko Hammer*
Tails: Uh... *pours a cup of tea* I think I should get some of this.
Sonic: *pulls out some papers* Enjoy.
Amy: *continues to smash the screen* I hate you, Mary Sue! Die!

I was so wowed that I couldn't talk. That's really hard. So Amy was talking and this is what I heard:

"Bla bla bla bla Silver

Bla bla bla Sonic

Bla bla bla Shadow

Bla bla bla Knuckles

Bla bla bla cousin."

Sonic: Bla bla bla end this garbage fire fic.

Amy's POV

I could tell that Silver was struck when he saw Sasha. Any guy could be.

Sonic: I'm not. I hate her.
Tails: Me, too.
Amy: *yells as she smashes the screen out of the window*
Tails: Seriously, we're getting billed for this, aren't we?
Sonic: I'll just let Manic or Akiko find a way to put it on Jayleen's tab.
Tails: But... she's not a full fledged riffer.
Sonic: We have ways.
Tails: And how is Amy not hitting Kyo with those screens?
Sonic: She's probably smashing them so hard that they're flying way over his head.

That's why Xavier's friends love going around to his place. Besides the fact that Sasha's place is HUUUUUGE!! Like it made Chris's house look like a little cottage.

Tails: Blatant Mary Sue. She's obnoxious, she rips people off, she lives in a lavish house, everyone loves her...this has got to be a self-insert Sue.
Sonic: I hope not.
Tails: I also realized something. If the Sue lives in a giant house... then why did she brag about ripping off an old man?
Sonic: I think she's related to Donald Trump, not Amy Rose.
Tails: Cold, Sonic. Real cold.

The weirdest part was that Sonic was acting extra friendly with her. OMG, WHAT IF HE LIKED HER?? I don't like competition, but I don't want to add a copy of her skull to my closet. (You actually thought that I killed people. No, that would make me a bad person. Those are skull shaped stress balls.)

Amy: I wish that they were real...

I decided it wasn't worth it because she's my cousin, and she would never do that to me.

Sonic: She woke you up at five in the morning. She used a megaphone on you. She dressed you up against your will. And she constantly talked down to you. Tell me why the Sue is the nice one again?
Amy: Because this stupid fic said so.

I decided to ignore the feeling, and introduce her to the guys. Sonic says he feels like he's seen her before, and before our very eyes, Sasha pulls out a make-up kit, and

Tails: ...everyone died. *walks to the window, begins to twirl his twin tails* Bye.
Sonic: Tails, get your butt back here.
Tails: *frowns* You can't let me fly off, huh?
Sonic: Even if I did, a certain someone would just toss you back.
Tails: How?! He can't fly! *sighs* Alright. Fine. *sits back down*

Sonic's POV

Sonic: Oh, god, no, please. Drinking sewage water is healthier than reading this POV.

So Silver's trying to steal my Amy away from me eh?

Amy: ...why aren't you dead in a ditch with flies buzzing around your rotted corpse, you entitled psychopath?
Tails: This is really creeping me out.
Sonic: Join the club. Wait, are you creeped out by my whiny fic self or Amy?
Tails: The former.
Sonic: Yeah, join the club.

I'll teach him not to mess with Sonic. . .So for starters, when we run into the girls along with Amy's cousin, I decide to be extra nice to her to score points with Amy. I lie and say that I feel like I've might her before. Turns out I have. That old lady who was taking the pictures yesterday?? Yeah, that was Amy's cousin with make-up on.

Tails: Thanks for holding our hands. We already knew that.

So Knuckles asks her where are the photos cause I guess he's embarrassed of photographic evidence of him and Rouge. She pulls out this little flash drive, and Knuckles breaks it. Rouge starts to argue with Knuckles until Sasha (the cousin) says that she has more on her laptop, so there's no need to fight. Man, I'm in deep shit right now.

Sonic: Well, you are what you're in.

What'll happen if she releases those pictures out to public?? Pictures of Amy and me out in the press. Not good. I've got a rep to live up to, the loner dude.

Amy: Wait, you were whining that you haven't gotten "me" yet. Now you're whining that you need to be a single guy? Make up your tiny little mind!
Tails: He has no mind.

So I think I'm gonna find a way to get a hold of that laptop. Knuckles'll probably help me. Now all I need is a plan.

Sonic: Oh, great. Now he's contemplating theft! *sarcastically* Our hero, Tails and Ames!
Tails: My head hurts.
Amy: I know. It's hurting my head, too.

Silver's POV

I finally managed to find my voice, but it was too late. I had to ask Shadow what her name was. I guess she has really good hearing, cause she turned around and said, "Were you paying attention at all?"

I replied, "I was too busy ogling-no, staring-no, looking-no, yeah I wasn't paying attention to what Amy was saying."

I looked down and silently muttered, "But I was paying attention to you."

She heard and giggled. "That's so sweet.

Amy: "I was ogling you" isn't a sweet remark, you moron who has popcorn for brain cells.
Tails: That's an insult to popcorn.

Anyways, my name is Sasha, Amy's cousin."

"Cool. Are you staying around?"

"Yeah, I'm staying at Amy's place. I'm probably going to be around all summer long. So I guess I'll see you later. Bye."

"Bye."

Sonic: What was the point of that?
Tails: Bla bla bla hot Mary Sue.
Amy: Light her on fire, and she'll really be hot.

Me: That by far is my longest chapter!! Now, I need to ask something very simple of you readers. I'm thinking about writing a sequel to this story, but I need to know if you guys want one.

All: No!

So review please, and do it soon cause how the story goes depends on if I'm writing a sequel or not. So please review. It'd be really helpful.

Sasha: Pay up Sonic.

Sonic: I'll pay you in feathers and hot tar.

Sonic: Damn it.

Me: Pay what??

Sasha: We had a bet on whether or not you would ramble or not at the end of the chapter about how important reviews are. So Sonic, you owe me 10 AMERICAN Dollars.

Sonic: How 'bout I pay you in play money that looks like ten American dollars? You ripped off an old dude, so you can't complain.
Amy: Or I can pay you with ten whacks to the head. Much more valuable than the ten play dollars that Sonic's offering you!

Sonic: No fair.

Tails: It... really isn't. An author's note isn't rambling.
Sonic: Sue probably wants her Suethor to grunt one word sentences.
Amy: Well, the Sue does have a one-track mind, so it's fitting.

Me: Thanks for believing me Sasha. As for you. . .I have some evil plans for you later in the story. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sasha: Oh, she really does. I almost feel bad for you. ALMOST.

Sonic: This Sue really is an obnoxious sociopath.
Tails: She's... horrible. Yeah.

Me: So anyways, please review.

Amy: Oh, I can't wait until we're done with this. How many chapters are left?
Sonic: Twelve.
Tails: *groans* We're not halfway done yet?
Sonic: Nope.
Amy: *holds her head* Help.
Sonic: Eh... we may or may not get that again soon.

--

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