Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 3: Women Decoded

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Note/Warning: This article contains poor attempts of black comedy which may cause you to rage along with our three riffers (well, Cassy will be doing most of the raging here). It's also plagiarized, but it's being riffed as if everything is original. The only things that are original in this article are the poorly done "examples".

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Because men and women mostly don’t understand each other,

Cassy: *sarcastically* ...because it's mostly the man's fault...

I’ve come up with the 9 most popular words and phrases women use when dealing with men. So. If you’re a man I suggest you read this, memorize it, and live it.

Keiko: Translation: She demands that you read this insipid nonsense.

If for no other reason than your safety and quality of life.

Kaoru: *narrows her eyes* We do not have instant homicidal urges. Honestly, I feel like writing this article off as a failure.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the eff up. Immediately.

All: ...
Kaoru: *gets up* I was right. I quit. This article is a failure.
Keiko: Unfortunately, we've just started here.
Kaoru: *sits down, sighs heavily* Fine. But don't expect me to be as happy as your friend over there.
Cassy: Hey, Kaoru used "Fine"! She's right and I have to shut up now!
Keiko: Calm down, Morgan.

Example: Man and woman are standing in the kitchen. Woman says, “Wow, it’s really cold outside today.”

Keiko: She's so cold that she's caused the room temperature to drop thirty degrees.
Kaoru: Fahrenheit or Celsius?
Keiko: Doesn't matter.

Man makes a face and says, “It’s not cold. it’s balmy. There’s a huge difference between cold and balmy.”

Cassy: Who the heck says "balmy", anyway?
Kaoru: And never mind the fact that people react differently to various temperatures.

Woman suddenly wishes her know-it-all husband would die in some mysterious accident.

Kaoru: *calmly takes two aspirin and drinks some water* What kind of evil high school garbage is this?
Keiko: It's evil high school garbage that's unfortunately profitable.

But he continues, “According to my weather app it’s only 40 degrees outside. That’s not even close to being cold.” Wife grabs the biggest knife in the drawer and begins sharpening it. “Fine,” she says as she lunges towards him.

Cassy: If this was supposed to be black humor... keep in mind that I am not laughing. You fail. Good day, madam.

(2) Five Minutes: If the woman is getting dressed, this means half an hour.

Cassy: Really? Half an hour? You know what? You humans make no sense.
Kaoru: At least I know how to tell time. I don't know what kind of bizarro world this writer is living in.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Keiko: What the hell are you talking about?
Cassy: Go ahead and decipher that sentence. You have five minutes.
Keiko: Shut up, Morgan.
Kaoru: By the way this is written... she makes it sound like the man knows how to count to five minutes. I also want to know how this person managed to get a job writing nonsense like this in the first place.

Example: Same irritating man from example number one is pacing the bedroom and asking the woman, “How much longer? We’re going to be late for the kickoff.” Woman turns on the water to the bathtub, pours in bubble bath, grabs her book and yells back, “Five minutes!”

Cassy: *holds up a picture of Benimaru facepalming*
Kaoru: *rubs her temples with her fingertips* Oh, my god.
Keiko: This is supposed to be funny, right? Because I'm not amused here.
Kaoru: I'm almost tempted to get a microphone and tell questionable jokes about my menstrual cycle right now.
Cassy: They're only funny if others can relate to it.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in ‘fine.’

Keiko: Do I need to take notes for this?
Cassy: I'd like to know if there will be a test on this.
Kaoru: I'd like to know when this nonsense will end.

Example: The very same man stands in the kitchen

Keiko: I'm starting to wonder if there's a certain ex-boyfriend that she hates so much.
Cassy: I'm also starting to wonder if she wants to murder all of her possible exes in the kitchen.

and watches out the window as the woman schlepps the trash cans to the curb without so much as a ‘here honey let me do that for you.‘

Kaoru: She's probably upset that she had to perform actual work.
Keiko: And she's practically implying that he won't do any work unless she nags him. But since she's not nagging, he's expected to read her mind. *bitterly* Wonderful.

Woman enters the house, slams the door and heads to the fridge to fetch a bottle of wine.

Cassy: Now she can die of alcohol poisoning and we won't have to worry about her for the rest of our lives!
Keiko, Kaoru: *weakly* Hooray...

Man is there, stuffing his face with leftover spaghetti and not using a plate OR a napkin, but instead eating right out of the plastic container, dropping forkfuls of spaghetti on the counter and freshly mopped floor.

Keiko: She's using the cardboard cutout of a Neanderthal for her examples. I am not amused or convinced that the opposite gender is "scum".
Kaoru: She married him, so I don't know what she is whining about.
Cassy: It's because some people believe that marriage can change a man.
Keiko: Then they need to stop using terrible romantic movies as a source. If that nonsense was realistic, I'd be making out with Kusanagi baka right now. *thinks for a bit, shudders* And now I want to forget that I said that.

Woman sighs heavily as she reaches for the bottle of wine while trying to keep her eye from twitching and her hands from shaking.

Cassy: Did she pop countless pills of Xanax when we weren't looking?

Man looks at wife and asks, “What’s wrong?” She closes the refrigerator door, smiles at him through clenched teeth and says, “Nothing.”

Cassy: And then she beats him to death with the bottle. The wife is arrested, and she hangs herself with her bedsheets in her jail cell while awaiting trial.
Keiko: *blinks* That was... dark.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Cassy, Keiko: *confused* Huh?
Kaoru: I'm sorry, I speak English.

Example: Same adorable woman

Keiko: *scoffs* "Insufferable waste of space" is more like it.

is tired from a long day of carpool lines, toddler playdates, delivering food to the elderly, sewing a baby blanket (which she had to get up at 4AM to do) and preparing a gourmet meal for the family.

Cassy: Lies, lies, lies! They're all lies! *thinks* Now where did I hear that before?

Man comes in dressed in basketball gear, carrying a basketball.

Kaoru: *sarcastically* Because he's a slob and we must hate the idiotic sap who possesses a twig and berries.
Keiko: *wearing a dunce cap* Oh, really? I thought that he was carrying a hockey puck in his "basketball gear".

Woman asks, “Where are you off to?” He says, “Didn’t I tell you? I’ve joined a men’s basketball league. It’s every Tuesday from 7 to 10.” He leans down to kiss her on the forehead and she suddenly has the urge to chop off his man parts with a butter knife.

Cassy: *looks under the carpet* Well, there's no humor under there.
Keiko: Of course. There's no humor in this article, Morgan.
Kaoru: There's no writing in this article, either. And since she keeps pointing out the man's faults instead of her own, I'm now convinced that this writer is an alien.
Cassy: *in a mock whiny tone* But she's perfect! You gotta praise her!

She fights the urge, sighs and says, “But Tuesdays are the days you put the kids to bed so I can have a break.” He pouts and says, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that. I don’t have to go.” Wife then says, “It’s ok. Go ahead.”

Keiko: I want to smack her. And for some reason, I want to do it with a dresser drawer.

(5) Loud Sigh: This isn’t actually a word,

Kaoru: *wearing a dunce cap* Oh, wonderful. I would never have guessed that that action wasn't a word. May I have my high school diploma now?

but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.

All: Because you don't tell them, you dunce!

A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

Keiko: *facepalms, grumbles* I hate this article.
Cassy: I'm not a man, or a human for that matter... and I'm seriously offended here, dudes.
Kaoru: I will not refer to number three. I will only refer to the door, which I hope hits you on the way out.

Example: Stupid, stupid man

Keiko: *chokes the woman* I hate this article! I hate it with my soul!
Cassy: *tries to pull Keiko away* Whoa, dude!
Kaoru: I'm not helping.

comes home from work and says, “I invited some of the guys over to watch the game.

Kaoru: I don't understand this. What is... "the game"?
Cassy: Uh... aside from it being the name of an album and a rapper... they mostly refer to American Football or Basketball when they say "the game".
Kaoru: And this "game" is on television?
Cassy: If a network broadcasts it, yeah. Unless they want to watch the rapper on television, then yes, it's usually those sports.

I hope that’s ok. You don’t have to do anything. You won’t even know they’re here. I’ll order pizza and I promise I’ll clean up and have everyone out of here by 10.”

Kaoru: And what's wrong with that? I don't understand.
Keiko: He's not allowed to have friends, apparently.
Kaoru: At this rate, he might as well not be allowed to breathe. I feel sorry for him.

Woman says nothing, just lets out a huge sigh. He takes this as a good sign (See, I told you he was stupid).

Cassy: *bitterly* Go fuck yourself, you horrible excuse for a human being.
Kaoru: I request a five minute break. For all of us.
Keiko: Agreed.
Cassy: Good! Thank you! *stomps off*
*Five minutes later*
All: *sighs, sits back down*
Cassy: I should've went into Jessie's stash or something. It's a lot more tolerable than this bullshit.
Kaoru: I certainly hope that those five minutes cleared our heads.
Keiko: Hope so.

A while later she finds his wallet on the dresser. she takes out his credit card, sits in front of the computer with a bottle of wine and proceeds to order $1500 worth of goodies for herself. She feels she totally deserves it.

Kaoru: *shocked* Those five minutes didn't work, and I think I just had an aneurysm. *sighs, facepalms, mutters* And now I want to switch places with my sister.
Keiko: *angry* That's it! I want that stupid person's address so I can slice her like she is a deli meat!
Cassy: *sharpens her claws* Way ahead of you, dude.

(6) That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.

Cassy: *sarcastically* So abuse that statement often, ladies!

“That’s OK” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Kaoru: And I thought that I was intended to be evil incarnate. Boy, was I wrong.

Example: Woman is excited about going to the hottest new restaurant in town.

Keiko: Samurai woman is excited because she had just slayed a demon.

When the man is late getting home from work she calls him on his cell and learns he’s still at work and won’t be home for another hour. He apologizes and promises to make it up to her.

Cassy: He's probably doing his co-worker. And as much as I can't stand it when anyone cheats on someone... I seriously can't blame him if that's the case.
Kaoru: At least leave her first.
Cassy: You've read what we've seen so far, right? That would end in homicide.

She says “That’s OK,” before hanging up and then spends the next half hour wondering what life would be like if she was married to Ryan Gosling. She’s sure Ryan Gosling would never stand her up.

Kaoru: Who's Ryan Gosling, and why would he care about her?
Cassy: He's an actor. And that woman's better off getting a blow-up doll that looks like him, because there's no way in hell that the real Ryan Gosling would touch this shallow, bitter, and whiny asshole.
Keiko: He will. He just needs a hazmat suit. *sarcastically* And actors never work late, right? All they have to do is read a few lines and they'll kiss your butt right after that!

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you’re welcome.

Cassy: Certainly, O mighty Assholezilla! I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!
Keiko: Get up, Morgan. You know you have more sense than that.

(I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘You’re welcome’ to a ‘Thanks a lot’– that will bring on a ‘Whatever’).

Keiko: This is not a standardized test, you idiot. If you say "thank you", you better mean "thank you".
Kaoru: I don't like people who can't get to the point.

Example: In an attempt to make up for being a total douchebag,

All: Look in the mirror.

the man takes the woman’s car and fills it up with gas. She notices this and says, “Thanks.” The man has no idea what to do next.

Kaoru: You've insulted him and belittled him for who knows how long. Of course he has no idea what to do next.

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying ’You’re a fucking idiot.’

Cassy: My middle finger is a way of saying, "You're an asshole." Here! *sticks up her middle finger, speaks slowly* If you don't understand this, then that means that you're a fucking idiot.

Example: Man comes back from mailbox and yells, “Holy shit! My credit card statement is over $5000! I don’t even know what some of these charges are! What is Loccitane? And Anthropologie? And Tods? I’m calling the credit card company right now! Someone charged over $1500 worth of stuff on my card!”

All: *glare at the woman*
Keiko: Time to find a job, Peggy Bundy clone.

Woman stops him from dialing and says, “Don’t call. That was me. I got a few things that I needed.”

Cassy: *mutters* She should've bought herself a shovel with her own money to get that tree trunk out of her ass.
Keiko: She needs a refund, because it's still stuck in there.

Man’s jaw drops and he puts his hand on his chest and says, “I think I’m having a heart attack. I need a drink of water.”

Keiko: Who can blame him, really?
Kaoru: Besides, she probably spent them into debt.

Woman rolls her eyes, go to the kitchen and fetches the ‘heart attack victim’ a glass of lukewarm tap water.

Kaoru: Why is that in quotations?
Cassy: Because she's a useless waste of space, dude.

He gulps it down and asks, “What the hell were you thinking?”

Kaoru: Mister... er, man... you're implying that she's using her brain. Unfortunately, that organ has rotted away.

She says, “Well, let’s recap. Lately you’ve joined a men’s basketball league that interferes with the nights you’re supposed to help me out. You had your buddies over for the game and promised to clean up and have everyone gone by 10–-which neither happened. You canceled dinner on me at the last minute when you KNEW I really wanted to go to that restaurant, and you constantly contradict everything I say.”

All: But... what did you say?!

Man is confused and seems to have no earthly idea where all this hostility is coming from.

All: Because you didn't tell him!

He then says, “But I put gas in your car.” Woman shakes her head and says, “Whatever.”

All: But you charged over $5,000 dollars with a credit card that wasn't yours!
Keiko: She refuses to communicate like an actual human being, and it's suddenly his fault?! I want Daniels to blow her up. I really, really do.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Cassy: And you can refer to my left ass cheek!

Example: Man is truly sorry for his douchebag ways and has been trying to do better.

Keiko: And of course, it's never her fault for anything that goes wrong. I really must be watching an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" here.

For two weeks he has taken the trash to the street. This makes the woman very happy.

Kaoru: This is disgusting. Is this implying that I need a man to take out my trash? I don't have arthritis. I'm sure I can handle taking the trash out on my own.
Cassy: You can. She doesn't want to because she may ruin her "spending them into debt" arm.
Kaoru: *sarcastically* Oh, poor her.

The 3rd week he goes back to his normal routine of standing in the kitchen, eating leftovers out of the bowl while the there’s-going-to-be-a-statue-erected-in-my-honor-one-day woman ONCE AGAIN schlepps the same goddamn trash cans to the curb for the millionth time.

Keiko: *mocking tone* Oh, boo-hoo, I have to take the trash out again! Where's my medal?! Where are my peasants that are supposed to kiss my butt?! *normal tone* Bite... me.
Cassy: You know what? If there's a statue erected in her honor, I'm going to get a lot of pigeons to shit on it.

Man happens to look out the window in time to see this happening and runs outside to help. She glares at him for what she’s certain is also the millionth time and says, “Don’t worry about, I got it.”

Kaoru: When I say that, I mean that. Anyway, were you two raised to act like this?
Keiko: Nope.
Cassy: Nah. Something tells me that this "pure" woman is going to have folks cheer when they find out that she's finally dead.
Keiko: Does... that actually happen?
Cassy: When you're hated enough, yes. They'll even come to your funeral just to make sure that it's your body in the casket.
Kaoru: Oh. I hope I don't cross people like that in my lifetime, then.

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