Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Two Riffers, Episode 1: Bloody Moon (Part Five)

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13. the city is ours!

Manic: It is?! How much for rent?

Hey 3mos!11! Knew chaptah!111! ohemgee, r u all ready 4 part 2?

Sonia and Manic: No.

Here it iz!1 3 srry it took sooo lung. my passwords thing was forgoten bi mi. ._.

Sonia: Was the password "a"?

I waz n tearz alot cuz he waz ded. Mai poor jacup!111!1

Manic: Yeah, we certainly miss him... pubes and all.

i cried rainboe tearz like all day n nit end i fond myseff howlein da moon 4 him.

Manic: *throws a boot at Lenobia* Shut up! Some of us have to work in the morning, damn it!

I made 6 cuts in my rist 4 him usin a sharpe paper clip cuz hiz deafth left me n pain.

Sonia: Blah, blah, blah, heard that before...

""JACUPPPP!11!1" i sobbed loadly wiff my long raven blaq hare flowin in da wind ass i sat bi the lake wear i had sex with jacup 4 da 1st time.

Manic: *rolls his eyes* Yeah, what memories, huh?

I waz wherein a 3mo black tutu and a gothicx corset wiff my 3mo combet boots n i eve had wiff me a necklase jacup gave me sometim.

Sonia and Manic: *heavily annoyed* Oh, my god! Shut! Up!

"Lenobia!1!" i herd some1 call my name. It waz...,...,...

Manic: ...Satan.

Drakina!

Sonia: Manic, never guess again.
Manic: But that's half the fun, man!

"r u okay?" she assed worriedly with worri n her eyes. "i toougt i herd u screm!"

Sonia: I'm surprised that it wasn't another orgasm.
Manic: *slaps Sonia on the back of her head*
Sonia: *rubs her head* Okay, sorry!

": yaa dat was me... im stil upset abut jacub... " i wimpered like a wolfy.

Sonia: No kidding, seeing as we have to hear you whine about it.

Drakina gave me a tit hug.

Manic: *sputters* Whoa! If this wasn't a bad fic, I'd find that strangely hot!

"it wil b okay gurl." She said tring to cumfert me.

I pusheded her away. "no" i saed. "it wont... I luvd him!111!"

Sonia: Pfft...
Manic: *laughs*

Drakina den left me cuz she new i neded 2 b alone. theN den i just cried n cried, n i feel aslep right there...

Manic: Never wake up, okay?

I waz awokened by edword. He shook me awake carfuly n looked n my eyes with worri. "omg Lenobia i was scared dat sumthin hapend! U ok?" he said.

Sonia and Manic: No, she isn't!
Sonia: And now we have to hear the whine fest again.

I shaked my head. "NO...,.,..." i sed sadly.

Edweird hild mi tite and kissd my neck litely. "i luv u babe. Come bak home wiff me..." he sad queitly.

Manic: Why? She hasn't spent enough paragraphs mourning Jacob!
Sonia: *laughs* Wait, you mean to tell me that you found paragraphs?

Den with out a werd we left n whent back home. We get home n then i whent upstares and cryed more raynebow tearz. I was sew depressed!11! knot evan Edward coulda helped me there...,,.,..

Sonia and Manic: We got it! Shut up!

I sat en mai room n blared BOTDF as load ass possible.

Sonia: And that was before a cranky Amy destroyed the media player. Never disturb Amy Rose's sleep.

the schmexy singah screamed out lyricz n da backround as i cut myself hard wiff da paper clip. "Isnt it sad that i luv u more n death is dat y Romeo had 2 kill Juliet? Itz getting hard 2 breath wiff this nife n my back itz burried under 6 feet wiff da luv dat we have... "i singed sexiely wiff da lyrikz.

Manic: Dude, she's cutting herself to electronica. I don't get it, man.
Sonia: You're not supposed to get it. There's nothing to get.

Alice comed in my room and said "dude-turn-tht-music down."

"What if i dont wnt to? Leave ME ALON!" I said with thousands of tearz escaping from my eyez.

Sonia: Okay. *shoots Lenobia's media player* Other people live in this house as well, you whiny, selfish twat.

Alice got sad and lefty. Then Ed comed in tha room wearing only sexy blak tripp pantz that made hiz ass look tight.

Manic: *tries to remove his eyes with a rusty spoon* I can't unsee it! Sonia, I can't unsee it!
Sonia: *snatches the spoon from Manic and injects a serum into him* There, there...

"lenobia, why are u sad?" he asked schooting towards my big blak bed that had a bunch of dead roses ass the sheits.

" I lurved jacup. And he lurved me." I repliad.

Sonia: *rolls her eyes*

Edward just sat there, listening to me b/c hes a god listener.

Manic: No, he wasn't. It's Edward. Like he's going to listen to something that doesn't involve him.

"and whats worse iz dat u don't love me." I stated and cryed again.

Manic: *as Edward* Precisely; I don't. Now shut up and learn how to masturbate.
Sonia: Kyo! I mean... Manic!
Manic: Wait, now I'm Kyo? Which one am I for the time being?
Sonia: I don't know, they're both jerks. Flip a coin or something.

"NO! Babe, ive always lurved u. I only dated bella to get u jealous.

Manic: Of course she didn't hear that master plan when it was literally spelled out to her in the sixth chapter!

Now i know shes a total poser and bitch, so i told her i would slit her throat if she cumes near me.. "

Sonia: If only that happened in the original source material...

When i heard tht i felt a bit happy but still depressed, so i cut myself with a pauper clip again. Edweird cut hisself too when i did cuz my pein mad him sade too.

Manic: *annoyed sigh* We got it, man. Enough of that crap.

"tanks 4 cuttin urself with me." I told him, n he walkd out wit a headnod.

Sonia: And that was before he fainted from blood loss... which obviously made no sense to begin with.

I debate killin myseff cuz i didnt no if dere waz n e thing lefty 2 live 4.

Manic: Dude, you can always find another penis. Kim Kardashian's doing mighty fine in that department.
Sonia: *tries not to laugh* Manic!

Tearz feel hard frum my face n my makeup waz blurred./ culd i evah cum free ov dis deprezzon? I hoped so!1!

Sonia: I hope so, too. Just so I never have to hear about it ever again, damn it!

Da next day..,.,..

It waz a moonday so we went 2 skool.

Manic: I thought that school was closed at night.

"hey gurl! U doin betr?" drakina assed me n maths class.

I nodded sileintly n gav her a kinda real kinda not smirk. "i juss wanna burn da skool down cuz i tink i am pissd . "

"can i join u?" drakina assed wiff a wink ;)

Sonia: Kyo LeMaire can do that better.
Manic: And probably so much more than that.

THEN ALL OFF A SUD N!111!11111

Manic: The fic ended?!
Sonia: Yes!

Da band BTR walked n2 da classroom!111!11?

Manic: The hell?
Sonia: Big Time Rush?! That's far from emo! Are you kidding me?!

Dey all locked so emo n sexy xcept 4 kendall cause he wasn't dere cuz he is a preppy fag.

Sonia and Manic: *flatly* What.

James the hotist 1 waz wherein a bl;ack Of mice n men shirt with sexy tite skinnys dat mad his ass look good with black eye liner. Carlos was whereing a black halo: reach jacket wiff black trippy pants and a skater hat. Logan was dressed in torn skinnies, and converse and a nyan kat shirt.

Sonia: *sighs* Manic?
Manic: *readies his choke chain* I'm on it.

"OHEMGEEE ITS FUCKIN BTR !111" we sed da same tim!

"Hy babe u fine, can i get yo numbah ill give u mine!" jhames told me flirtlying.

Sonia: That is not flirting. That is desperation.
Manic: No, that's an episode of "Jersey Shore".
Sonia: Exactly... desperation.

I winkeded him n gave him a hug." Ur sew cute!1`11" i told him ass he kissed my cheek. Drakina n Carlos did da same thing!1!1! :D

"hey carlos wears your helmat?" i assed him.

Manic: Is that another term for "condom"?
Sonia: Manic, I swear...

"oops i 4got it," he said sadly, but then drakina kissed him sew he got happuy again. (awwh dere sew cute!1!111)

"u gais should tote ally chill with us!" logan said happily.

Den me and drakina said together: "yeah!11! we will!" then we all left school and hung out. This was gonna b fun! I thought!

Manic: Great. So orgies heal everything, I guess.

U lick it!

Sonia: I am certainly not licking that.

I had 2 bring BTR n2 it lol.

Sonia and Manic: No, you did not!

Plz R n r! Also preps sux!1!

Manic: If they suck, what does that say about your writing ability, Not Tara?

14. everything changes

Sonia: You mean we'll finally have a plot?
Manic: Only when my poop turns into solid gold, sis.

Heeeeeey 3mos! I hope u enjoy dis chaptah!

Sonia and Manic: Bah!

Then Me james carlos drakina n logan then decide 2 skip skool. It waz sew borin wiff all da preps nyway sew y not leave?

Sonia: Actually, I'm glad you're leaving. We don't want the education system to be any worse than it already is.

Carlos n drakina would be kissin n i'd kiss james 2. He made me fell happy evn tho i waz rly upset abut jacup still..., we all whent 2 da mall n whent to hot topic (duhhh!1!)

Manic: Sis?
Sonia: What?
Manic: Is there anything squishy coming out of my ears?
Sonia: No.
Manic: That's great... I think.

"heeey lenobia look at this " sed james pointin at a asking Alexandria shrit with blood n stuff onm it.

"nah it'd look good if it waz cut up " i said mischievouisly and then i took a knife out n cut it up a bite n tryd it on. Da schmexy store workerz thought i looked sew cuuute n it dat i got it 4 free! N sew did drakina!

Manic: *facepalms* Oh, god!
Sonia: Nobody has clearly heard of the "you break it, you bought it" rule.

"ohemgee u look sew hot babe!1" james said cuz i tink he waz horney.

Manic: As all boys in badfics are.

"dude" said drakina, "lets go chill the 3mo house!11" (aka the Cullen house)

Manic: No, seriously... will there be a mass orgy?
Sonia: You really want me to leave this house in a screaming rampage and eat the lawn in a frenzy, don't you?
Manic: Sure, why not?

Logan smiled hapily n he n carlos said "yeah!1! lets go! " at the same time lol.

Then james carelos n logan called up a limo cuz there famous n we all hoped in it. James pulld out some beers n we all started getting drunkish n the back.

Manic: Too cool for school, huh?
Sonia: And too cool for brain cells, apparently.

"heeey driver!turn up tha music! " said carlos. Blarin outta the stereo waz some of watchout! Theres ghosts! songs. We all started screamin along, but den the others stopd so they could here my awsome singin voice.

Manic: And that was before she pulled an Olivia Munn. Only... replace the hotdogs with--
Sonia: Manic!
Manic: What? Besides, that's probably how she--
Sonia: Rant for another day, Manic!

James looked at me in shock. "ohemgee your n AMAZIN singiner!

Sonia: Sure, if you can call banshee screaming "singing".

U should help us with our next song, k?" he said smilin as he leaned over n started kissin me lots.

"oh thnx" i told him blushin. "o were my house now!"

Ten we all got outta tha limo wiff our beers n walked sexily nside.

Manic: Replace "sexily" with "drunkenly". There. That's a more accurate sentence.

The other cullens weren't home, buut so we were all board we went 2 the dying room (lol lyk a livin room XD)

Manic: Oh, bite my spiny green ass.

and turned on tha giant flat screen n turned on the xbox to play halo retch cuz its soooo fun.

Sonia: Oh, great. Now we have the infamous "Gamer Grrrl" syndrome.
Manic: Ladies? If you're gonna impress me with your gaming, find something that isn't "Halo" or "Call of Duty". 'Kay? Okay.
Sonia: Unless that's what you usually like, then there's no problem there.

"imma gonna kick ur ass online!" i said with a evil grin while nudging james playfully. He nudged me back as we hoped on da couch n got out the controllerz. We then got redy to play on coop campaine.

Thats when thingz started to shake. All of a sudden! Me james carelos n drakina got sucked into the game!

Sonia and Manic: You've got to be kidding me.

Logan was in the other room getting snacks, so he didn't get suckd n. But rigtht as we dissapeard he saw n flipped shits!

"oh shit!11" l;ogan said all freaked uot. "i gotta make sure the cullens don't notice there gone!"

Sonia: And we switched from the first to third person point of view for a few seconds.

Meanwhile, me n tha others aperded on a spaceship. "where da hell r we?" drakina asked.

Sonia: Maybe they can get anally probed for brains.
Manic: Sis? Brains are in the head.
Sonia: Yes, Manic. We know that... some aliens probably don't.

" spaceship" we herd a voice say. It was...,.,... Emile from halo retch!1 he took off his mask, reveling his hot scarred face and his shagy 3mo hair n looked at me with a slight grin. "we ned ur help." He stated so seriusly.

"how did we git hear?" carlos assed confuzzled.,

Sonia: Through the television, you pea brained twit. Did you forget that fast?

"we made u cum here"

Manic: I don't wanna see that.

said a man steppin outta the shadows n a badass way. It was! ...,. Carter! Who looked very badass now.

Manic: So... he was twice as badass? Is that even possible?

His blu armour shined even n the shawdows. his sparkingly eys met mine n I waz reminded of edword.

Sonia: A block of wood reminds me of Edward better.

Shince he waz n older guy i found him hella hawt! Like jacup...

Manic: Next on "Dateline": "To Catch a Polygonal Predator".

"well what happend?" i assed intelegentle.

Sonia: There's no such thing as an intelligent ass. Stop trying to act like a scholar.

"since im da rank ov n inhertier i should b able 2 help u guys."

Manic: You can help me by translating what you just said.

"we need you're help really bad, " emile seid smartly. I noticed dat he was checkin me out n i looked at his schmexy swel noticed dat there waz a lump under his armour. He get an boner from just lookin at me! But he is sexy so it didn't matter lol.

Sonia: *sarcastically* Moral of the story, ladies: If a good looking guy looks at you like you're a piece of meat, it doesn't matter what he does to you at all!
Manic: More mixed messages? Sonia, this is full of bullshit.
Sonia: I know. Oh, I know...

Then drakina said "alrighty wat do we gotta do?"

Manic: How 'bout you end this fic, huh?

Then Jorge came n and sed "were bing under attack!1" after that a covenant dropship cam n and landed n da dockin bay (dats were we where) n the covenants élites started shouting n marched out o tha ship.

Manic: Wait, she used an accented e! The IQ of the fic just went up by two points!
Sonia: For a total of what? -302?
Manic: Unfortunately, yes.

""duck n cover u guys! " EMILE SAID 2 ME JAMES CARLOS N DRAKINA. "dangah close!1"

Manic: And the author shouted loud enough to make me deaf in my left ear for a good while.

"oh sh*t!" Jorge said as he was getting shot at. He take a minighun outta his backpocket n he started firing it hard. He mowed down lotsa eneimesie- enough 4 me n da others to escape.

BUT THEN!1

Manic: Lobotomy died?
Sonia: That's not going to happen, you know.

The covenant came n! They grappled james n punched him n the gut 2 nock him out.

"james!" i screamed! But emile was leading us away to protect me.

"lenobia!" emile shouted. "come on!1! we gotta get outta hear!"

He dragged me away and i started cryin as the covenant dragged james away. I heard a gunshot n started seeing blood drip down my face. I was shot... n the worl waz fading.

Manic: Yes!
Sonia: One question... where was she shot?!
Manic: Blood was dripping down her face. Either she got grazed in the head or was actually shot in the head.

I passed out!

Sonia: Maybe she wasn't shot in the head.
Manic: Maybe. But still, she's been screwed up there. A bullet's not going to make a difference.

I waked back up in the arms of emile. I was n a hospital wing. "what happened?" i muttered sleepily.

"lenobia? R u ok?" he assed concerned. "u got shot n da head, but u healed!""

"yea u didn't kno i can do that?" i replied?

Sonia and Manic: ...
Sonia: *rubs her forehead with her fingertips* Oh... Hell's... bells.
Manic: *gets up* Excuse me.
Sonia: Okay...
*Manic steps outside and shouts a myriad of expletives. After that, he comes back inside and sits down.*
Sonia: Feeling better?
Manic: A little, yeah.

"im just glad ur ok" emile said softly, kissin my forhead n lookin at me with a smile.

Manic: *bitterly* I'm not.

I, sat up n looked around. "did u rescue james?" i assed.

Emile loked down sadfly. "no..." he whispeared. "kat was supossed to get him but she was too busy eatin kfc to care..."

"fuck kat! She ruins everythin!" i shouted, leapin outta da hospital bed.

Sonia: Well, that was unfortunately random.

"im sorry babe. But u no,well get him back " emile reassured me placing his arms around me. "i promise"

A rainbow tear feel from my eye. "i hope soo..." i cried, hopin that their was somethin we could do now to save him.

But their wasn't...

Sonia: Uh... there is a way! How about the fact that you can use your stupid ass pull powers that were used to save your useless soul?!

Watchu think ?/

Manic: I think you should quit writing, Pseudo Tara. Don't know how many times we've said that already.

i hadta bring in halo 2!

Sonia and Manic: No, you didn't!

Ohemgee i love halo!

Manic: I think it's overrated myself.
Sonia: Shush! Not many people read our riffings! Do you want to alienate a group of potential future readers?
Manic: We've already alienated the insane "Twilight" fangirls. And we're this close to alienating the "Fifty Shades" fan... women, sis.
Sonia: That's because they don't know how to read, Manic. We're fine.

Wat do u guys think will happen?

Manic: That someone randomly chops Lobotomy's head off.

Plz R n R!

Sonia: See the previous thirteen chapters for the full review. Thank you.

15. hes so special 2 me

Manic: I bet she says that to all the guys. Oh, wait... she does.

Hay 3mozzz! 4 dish chapta im wrieting it in Logen's perspective 4 about half da chaftar, enjoyzzz!

Sonia: I haven't enjoyed the previous fourteen chapters. What makes you think that this will be any different?

*Logan's*

Manic: Roadhouse?

OMG! I thought as i saw lenobia and teh othars magikcally go in teh flat screen tV. I waz flippin shits n wasn;t sure it relly happened!

Manic: I don't understand how you can flip shit, but okay.

I dropped tha snacks on da fleur wen it happnd.

"holy fuck wat the shite do i di now?" he thogt 2 himself.

Manic: Panic. Wait, you're doing that already.
Sonia: Panic harder?
Manic: Sounds legit.

Den sudden ly!

Sonia: He was sexily saved by a random sexy plot device!

... the dorr opened! Edword walked n casualy while wherein his favourete emarosa shirt n tite skinnys with lotsa chains. He reminded me of billy joel Armstrong who is hella hawt cuz im bi.

Sonia: *facepalms* Goddamn fangirls...
Manic: He's wearing a shirt that has Omarosa on it? Man, they sure love their strong black women.
Sonia: This is "Twilight". Everyone who isn't a snooty Cullen or that vapid Bella is second class, unfortunately.

"dude wear is every1?" edword assed confuzzled "n who da hell r u?" he waz freakin out cuz he didn't no i was chillinm with lenobia.

Manic: Code talk for "doing her".

"sorry man im chillin with lenobia" logan said.

Manic: See last riff.

Then Edward replied- "well wear is she?"

Sonia: Unfortunately, she's not in Hell where she belongs.

Fuck! I thought, i couldnt think off anythin 2 say but i had 2 act. So i quickly tackled edword n i grappled his armz! I hit him hard in the head cuz i did it fast n he no expected it. I nocked him out n put him n a clozit.

Sonia: Well, that was stupid. Now people will assume that you murdered her!
Manic: You're saying that like it's a bad thing.

"fuck fuck FUCKKKKK!1!" i SAID MADLY!

Manic: Dude, your steroid rage is at a ten... thousand. Chill with that, man.

i started pacin back n forth n i then saw on da tv lenobia! I decided 2 put in a headset 2 try n comunicat 22 here.

"lenobia! can u here me?" i questined n2 da mick.

Den! I saw on the screen lenobia sayin "wat is dat? Whose talkin?"

"hey girl!" i said "itsa me, login!"

Sonia: Oh, and now he's Mario.

i waz glad 2 see she replied

"how r we talkin?" she asseed

Manic: Through magic and pixie dust. Seriously, take your brains out of your breasts and think, man!

"a xboc mick! Omg i hope ur alright! Wears james?" buuuut when i assed that, she looked hella sad n started cryibngg rainbow tears.

Sonia and Manic: *groaning* Oh, god...
Amy: God's unavailable! Would you like to leave a message?
Sonia and Manic: *grumbling* Knock it off, Amy...

"...,. hes been kidnapped..." i heard her say softy with a sad face

".gee... i'm sorry..." i understood dat this waz bad. I just wished a could help her...

Snifflin, lenobia said "we'll get him back though, i promise..."

Sonia: Through the magic of plot screwing, I can tell...

Thump! Thump! i heard feetsteps behind e. It was emmet!

"ohemge btr?" he enquired. "buuuut hear?"

Manic: Well, there goes one half of my brain.

"im lenobia's friend!" i stated quickly, freakin out a wee bit again.

"oh dats kewl," he replied smoothly, strokin his shaggy hair back. He was actually kinda sexy, especially wiff that tite shirt he hd on. He walkd up 2 me n said n my ear "u no, i lick ur musick n ur hella hawt. i really need dis, so ur gonna give it 2 me"

Sonia: Is this how Jessie gets to know her... *clears her throat* playmates?
Manic: She's not a "Maury" guest, sis. She has to mostly know you first... and check you for STD's. She has standards, you know.

Then! He started making out with me! I was confused but i liked it. We then had sex,

Manic: ...which gives the lesson that rape is only okay when it is male on male, female on female, and female on male. Thanks, double standards.
Sonia: *groans in frustration*

Afterwords i told him about wat happened 2 edword.

Manic: Edward?! Holy moly, I knew it! Bella was his beard after all!

"oh well i'll keep it a secrit. I understand" he replied. "i hope lenobia can get out ov da game!"

Sonia: And if not, I'll be honored to write the obituary.

I felt comfy talkin to emmet- so together wed try tofix things outside the game! I hope we could do it...

Manic: Pull the plug.
Sonia: You do realize that she may be killed because of that, correct?
Manic: Half correct. Saves exist for a reason.

*me aka lenobia*

Manic: Now you're just being delusional.

Wen login stoped talkin, emile came up 2 me n said "we're gonna get u suited up in ur armour. Ur gonna need it babe."

I nodded n replied "suit me up, man!"

Sonia: Clouds that cover up your naughty bits do not count as armor.

Then i got my sexy armour that revealed my figure.

Sonia and Manic: That's not armor, dumbass!

It covered my boobs n gave me cleavage but not covered my stomack n the armour made my ass look hella tight. It was black with midnight blue detail in it and a wolf emblum on my back. I had an eva hellmat but i wasn't wherein it atm. Then i saw my friends in their armour 2. Drakinas was black with red designs on it, n it fitted her bod well. Carlos liked it. Carlos was just dressed in standard black noble six armour with studs on it n spiky shulder thingies. Both him n drakina shared a emblum on there backs that were also wolfs but not as detailed.

Sonia: *groans*
Manic: Nobody. Gives. Two. Goddamn. Shits.

"you ready, lenobia?" drakina wondered. "we were told were gonna go save james now. Emile will fly us dere in a wee bit. "

I nodded her. Then carter came n n said "where all going 2 planet Lunarskull. Thats were we believe they haz james. Dere leader iz alsew there i think" he debriefed us a lil more info 2.

Sonia: And the info was basically worth nothing because Sues know everything.
Manic: Go to planet. Save dude. Maybe have babies with him. The End. At least that's what I got.
Sonia: Well, you aren't that far off.

"were gona do this!" carlos said enthusiastickaly whie rappuin an arm around my bffl drakina.

This is it.

We're gonna face the covenant.

I think im ready.

Manic: And if you fail, can I have the stuff in your room?
Sonia: Didn't you call her stuff earlier?
Manic: I need to repeat myself sometimes.

U likeeeeeee?

Sonia: No. How many times do I have to say that?

Next chaptah will be comin soon so be redy!

Manic: *puts on a hardhat*

Ima gonna try 2 poast more often.

Manic: *puts on another hardhat*
Sonia: Manic...
Manic: What? Double protection, sis.

Ily yall 3mos, n even though i gots bad reviews ima nut gonna stop mah story!

Manic: We'll be okay if you don't try to publish it.

--

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