Mystery Science Theater En Masse

Three Riffers, Episode 7: An Open Letter to Rey from Star Wars

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Warning: This article is chock full of misogyny (and a minor bit of transphobia... and implied racism that the riffers will discuss).

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Also Princess Leia. And Wonder Woman. And Sarah Connor and Trinity and Imperator Furiosa and Beatrix Kiddo and Black Widow and Katniss Everdeen and River Tam and Gamora. And Feminist Elf-Kate from The Hobbit. And every character undertaken to help pay Milla Jovovich’s mortgage. And the godmother of them all, Ellen Ripley. If you are an empowered fictional female warrior type, this is a letter to you.

Sonia: And now it's no longer a letter to Rey from "Star Wars". We just started this stupid "essay", and I already want to throw in the towel.
Akiko: Are you sure that this guy is a writer?
Kyo: Well, the bar of writing's been lowered so damn far into the Earth's core, so... yes.
Sonia: Also, how condescending was the "Feminist-Elf Kate" and "every character undertaken to help Milla Jovovich's mortgage" nonsense? You coudn't take to time to do a simple search of those character's names?
Kyo: Incredibly condescending... and no, because he's a man, and real men don't fuckin' use that wussy-ass shit that you girls call "Google"!
Akiko: The sarcasm is real.

Let me start by saying I have enjoyed many of the movies that you ladies have been in. I hope you won’t think I’m being patronizing if I say you are all beautiful, talented, intelligent flowers of your respective civilizations. My hat is off to all of you. It really is.

Akiko: How long until he contradicts himself?
Sonia: I give it three seconds.

And as a sworn gentleman, I’m loath to cause you any pain or embarrassment. In fact, if I may be so bold, I’d like to save you from pain or embarrassment.

Sonia: Three seconds. I was right.
Kyo: Oh, I love how "chivalrous" he's trying to be. *as the author* As a man, let me tell you how you should act as a woman.
Sonia: What, barefoot and pregnant while staying in the kitchen?
Kyo: Yep.
Akiko: ...was this article written by Benji?
Kyo: With the way this crap is going, it might as well be.

Kyo: It's not supposed to be about your pickle, you smug little jackhole.

I feel a bit like it’s my job to tell you your slip is showing. Or like I’m one of those knights in those paintings where the knight is rescuing the, uh, rather unclothed lady who is tied to a tree. True chivalry demands action in both those cases, but you can’t do it without causing the lady in question a little of the old p. and e.

Akiko: Uh. No, it's not. It's not your job to shame half the world's population because they're not doing what you want. And in great tradition... *opens up a pint of ice cream* I'm gonna eat some ice cream, and I'm not sharing any of it with you.
Sonia: Careful with that, Akiko. *sarcastically* You might gain some weight.
Akiko: *eats a spoonful of ice cream* Whatever.

In any case, it’s going to seem like I’m being hard on you all, but I’m only doing it because I care about you.

Kyo: Bullshit.

And I hope if you read through to the end you’ll see that I’m actually being much harder on myself and other men.

Kyo: Bullshit!

Sonia: I don't want to talk to your insufferable and patronizing behind.

I know the whole world is ladling on the adoration for your brave contributions to modern womanhood. However, you are behaving, all of you, in ways that do not befit your sex or glorify God.

Kyo: ...what the fuck is wrong with you?
Sonia, Akiko: *stares at the screen*
Akiko: Wait, what? Are you serious?
Sonia: God called, author; He said that you're acting like a fool.

Frankly, and I’m sorry to have to say this, I really am, many of you look ridiculous. Your friends and family and fans may not laugh at you. But the angels do and history will. What you’re doing might be good politics (of a sort), but it’s bad biology, bad theology, and bad storytelling. It lies about who you are as a woman and how God made you. And it makes for lousy movies and TV.

Kyo: *angry* What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're having a hissy fit because women being tough gives you a limp dick and "lousy TV"? Newsflash, dickweed! We like variety in the stuff that we watch! Just... *turns to Sonia and Akiko* ...you two can phrase it better than I can. Christ Almighty.
Akiko: Is this the part where I show him my shiny bike and the gang that I lead that has mostly women in it?
Kyo: *sarcastically* Get back to baking cakes, young lady.

Sonia: No. Shut up. Shut the hell up. You're not going to explain anything. You only need to take this misogynistic vomit that you just wrote and kindly shove it up your ass. Because I'm not in the mood to deal with a patronizing cretin who thinks that I'm doing something "wrong" because I don't have a Y chromosome.
Akiko: And how long until he retracts that "apology"?
Sonia: Two seconds. Also... this article did not take long to bring Kyo's temper from zero to thermonuclear.
Kyo: It's a new riffing record, and I am not happy.

Let’s talk about biology first, who you are as a woman.

Akiko: *sarcastically* Yeah, that's what I needed to hear. Really needed to hear made-up biology from a misogynist. If I wanted to know more about myself, I'd go back to school.

That’s why I feel dumb saying this, but:

Akiko: *stares at the screen*
Kyo: Oh... fuck you. *grits his teeth* Fuck you so very much.
Sonia: *calmly puts her hands on the table, explodes*
Akiko: *throws up her hands* Okay, no. Done. I'm done. Stamp whatever it is, because I'm done. This article just hit rock bottom. Done -- oh. *sweeps Sonia up* Done.
Sonia: *reforms* Thank you. Anyway, is this a joke?
Kyo: Nope. He's dumb as all holy hell for saying that.

They may be the smarter sex, they are often the wiser sex, they’re probably the more industrious sex, they’re definitely the prettier sex. But they’re also the weaker sex.

Kyo: You can just get a stepladder and jump up my ass for that statement.

I know we’ve all seen German Olympic wrestling ladies that could wrestle me to the ground faster than you can say “steroid abuse.”

Sonia: Because muscular women are a sin in the eyes of this little boy. Great. So he's Benji and Akira Valkyrie all rolled up into one terrible package.
Akiko: He's going to hate that bodybuilding dominatrix woman that Jess knows.

But most women I meet are smaller than me. Their arms have less than half the bulk and heft of mine. It’s how they’re built.

Akiko: "Genetics" must be a foreign word to him.
Kyo: Having a working brain is foreign to him.

Rey, I’m sorry, but I did not believe for a second that a little girl like you really beat up those thugs on Jaaku. It was almost like it was choreographed or something.

Kyo, Akiko: *points at Sonia*
Sonia: Aside from Miyuki, I'm known for my strength. And I'm 2' 11". I'm the shortest woman riffer and the only one who is shorter than I am is Tails. Do you want to try me?

Kyo: ...even though you fuckin' are.

I know there are women out there that could instantaneously cripple me with their mad skillz.

Kyo: And there you go. You "didn't mean to be patronizing"... and yet you contradicted yourself while going back to the '90s. Nice job, jackass.

But the cumulative effect of watching movie after movie wherein fine ladies such as yourselves suddenly crunch the bones of a dozen bad guys at a time is that some silly people get the idea there’s no real difference between men and women’s bodies, that most little ladies if properly motivated could beat up most men. And that’s just not true because it’s obviously not true.

Akiko: But a guy beating up a whole bunch of people while they're all in a warehouse that is burning down is somehow okay? Excuse me?
Sonia: *sarcastically* Silly Akiko! Bending reality is a man's job!
Akiko: I could literally make a thunderstorm right this second. But I can't because "reasons"?
Kyo: Yep. Stupid reasons.

It’s not just a matter of small bodies versus big bodies. Women are the weaker sex because they’re more timid and emotionally vulnerable and tender-hearted than men. God made them that way.

All: ...
Kyo: This stupid mother fucker did not just use religion to try to mask his sexism. I don't... *gets up, leaves* Screw this piece of shit!
Akiko: I, um, can't blame him for leaving.
Sonia: Yeah. Let him cool off a bit.
Akiko: ...it's Kyo-chan. I don't think "cooling off" is in his vocabulary.
Sonia: Yes, you're right. Might as well let him skip a chunk of this "article", then.

Sonia: *sarcastically* No, I burned mine along with all of my bras.
Akiko: And the Lord said, "Thou shalt not beat up ten people at once if they have no Y chromosome." Sermon's over, get to the ice cream social!

Here are three different prophets describing the weakness and fearfulness of three different nations, using women as the metaphor:

The warriors of Babylon have ceased fighting; they remain in their strongholds; their strength has failed; they have become women. — Jeremiah 51:30

Here’s the Apostle Peter with some advice for husbands:

Sonia: But let's ignore any Bible passages that feature any women warriors. Deborah? Jael? Who're they?
Akiko: I think he fell asleep in his Bible studies, Sonia.
Sonia: Or just flat-out ignored them. I can't stand people like him who pick and choose passages.

None of those passages have as their points that women are weak or unfit for certain manly responsibilities. It’s assumed.

Sonia: And yet you're saying that this proves that women are weak. Excuse me?
Akiko: He, um... he doesn't know how to comprehend things.

The book of Exodus doesn’t spend twelve chapters explaining why the parting of the Red Sea was a miracle—everybody knows how seas act.

Kyo: *from a distance* Can I shove your ass into the nearest ocean, then? Have at it, Moses!
Akiko: *while eating another spoonful of ice cream* I think he's all better.
Sonia: Keep telling yourself that.

Nor does Jeremiah explain why warriors of Babylon are pathetic when they act like women—everybody knows how women act.

Akiko: *stares at the screen* Did he just call women "pathetic"?
Sonia: I think he did.
Akiko: Thank goodness Tomo-chan isn't here to see this.
Sonia: She just dealt with Benji. And that's just as bad.

I could quote more scriptures about women being vulnerable in ways that men aren’t. About women being designed by God to be wives and mothers. About Eve being made as Adam’s helpmate. I’m not going to bother doing that because you ladies are all capable of reading your Bibles.

Kyo: *as he enters* I'm surprised that you're letting them read on their own, you useless, patronizing, bobbleheaded fuck!
Akiko: ...you were right, Sonia.
Sonia: Uh-huh.

Sonia: Leave it to a misogynist with no comprehension skills to misinterpret a film review from Roger Ebert.

It’s weird. A lot of you guys’ movies do that. Sarah Connor and Ellen Ripley, you may be battle-scarred warrior women, but you’re also mothers protecting your young—Sarah is protecting John, and Ms. Ripley, the iconic moment that everybody remembers is when you approach the Alien mother to save the little girl and utter your immortal catchphrase, “Get away from her, you bitch.” Beatrix, you were fighting to get your daughter back.

Sonia: No, she wasn't. Beatrix initially thought that her daughter was dead. She didn't know that she was even alive until she confronted Bill. Even more proof that you don't comprehend the things that you're watching.

Black Widow, Joss Whedon got in trouble with the feminists for giving you some backstory about how you could never be a mother. And what about the garbage love story with the dwarf that you had to muddle through in The Hobbit, Elf-Kate?

Akiko: I'm pretty sure that "Elf-Kate" has a name.
Kyo: Don't tell him. Don't even look it up for that piece of garbage. If he can squirt all of this shit out of his cockhole, I'm sure he can use two seconds of his wasteful existence to look it up.
Sonia: *hands Kyo a plastic cup full of ice* Here. Go chew on some of these, because I've never seen you get this heated before.
Kyo: *grumbles* Fine.

Akiko: But that's because of bad writing, not because of her gender! Haven't you learned anything here?
Sonia, Kyo: Nope.

Roger was disappointed by that in The Matrix. But I wonder if they don’t do it simply because there are certain design elements that God placed in women which are difficult to escape, even for a then-soon-to-be-transgender Larry/Lana Wachowski or uber-feminist Joss Whedon.

Kyo: It's not because of God, you stupid fuck! Akiko just said that it was because of a bad script!
Sonia: God was beyond helping this fool, Kyo. Also... did he actually have to say "soon-to-be transgender Larry/Lana Wachowski"? Her name is Lana. Author, I'd ask you not to be a hateful waste of human skin, but that ship has long sailed.

You might be the exception to this rule, Rey, but you’re so thinly written that even some liberals complained you were too obvious an example of wish-fulfillment.

Akiko: *confused* Huh?
Kyo: Even though Luke Skywalker did the same crap... and almost nobody complained. I somehow wonder how he managed to get away with it!
Sonia: Double standards, Kyo. Double standards.

Look, I don’t want to bully you ladies.

Akiko: But... you are. You know you're going to contradict yourself in one second now. So, uh... please end this "article" abruptly and stop writing forever. Thank you.
Kyo: You said it nicer than I ever could.
Akiko: And what would you have said, Kyo-chan?
Kyo: I would've told him to shove twenty nicely stacked fedoras up his ass.
Sonia: *sarcastically* A gentleman.

Trinity and Furiosa, you both participated in the greatest car chases of your respective decades. I like movies like the ones you guys are in.

Sonia: *as the author* Only as long as you're sidelined, you stupid women.

Kyo: So you hate women who don't stay in the kitchen. *as he slowly sets himself on fire* This ain't the 1950s, dickhead. It's the 21st century. Live in it or get out of the way, because I don't have any more patience for your caveman mammoth hunting bullshit.
Sonia: I would say that Benji's misogyny was somewhat more subtle. Somewhat.
Kyo: It was subtle until he roped Rei and Usagi up like bulls at a rodeo.
Sonia: Ugh. *looks at Kyo* ...you melted the cup.
Kyo: *as his flames dissipate* It was bound to happen.
Akiko: Yep.

As men, we were born with bodies and minds crafted for war.

Kyo: Even the ones who are outta shape?

We are the warriors, the peacekeepers, the protectors—the bloodshedders, when the time is right.

Sonia: Which is never. You're never going into war. Ever. You're probably going to sit in front of your computer and rant and rave about how women should never serve on the frontlines and just serve dinner like a "good little wimmens". Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Every man is a father, whether of his own children, or the people that work for him, or the folks he leads at church. As such, he must be ready to uphold what is virtuous and punish what is evil.

Akiko: The author needs to punish his own article, then. Because this gibberish is just as evil as the gibberish in "Outcast Saga".

Kyo: And yet you're still pissing and shitting your diaper over it. Maybe you just need to turn your TV off if you're gonna whine about it so much.
Sonia: And then live in a cave or something.
Kyo: Anything to get him back to his proper time period.

Most people, whether Joe or Jane, won’t have to kill monsters or fight duels or fire rocket launchers. Real life is (often) more prosaic than the fantasies you ladies were created to sell.

Akiko: Why do the pretentious guys always use fancy words?
Sonia: To make themselves sound smarter, Akiko. *gets a dictionary* Prosaic... "lacking poetic beauty, unromantic".
Kyo: What bugs me even more is that he addresses the women as "you ladies". It's just so... shit, it just pisses me off so much when he talks down to women like that.

Except prosaic is wrong, because the duels we fight with words, the loved ones we protect from sin or despair, the widows and the orphans we assist with our time or money—these things have real currency in the kingdom of God. He will reward or punish us based on how we fight these seeming non-battles.

Sonia: And getting through this article is an uphill battle.
Kyo: He went to the Church of Benji, huh?
Sonia: "Went to"? He probably lives there.
Akiko: *as she eats another spoonful of ice cream* I guess so. Church of Benji has no religion except for "dumb".

Kyo: I knew it. He wants women to stop doing things just so they can please his dick.

Some of my male friends will read this and think I’m overreacting.

All: You really are.

After all, they are hard workers, blameless in their service to the church, good husbands to their wives, loving fathers to their children. They do everything right. Righter than me.

Akiko: They're also probably not writing whiny articles like these.

Sonia: Apparently, you are... considering that you're using the patronizing "mad skillz" line again.
Akiko: *sarcastically* Yeah, how dare you let your friends watch women kick butt for fun! The nerve of those heathens!
Sonia: Someone really loves to throw stones from his glass house.
Kyo: Then I'll just ask you to chuck a big-ass boulder at his glass house.

Answer: entertainment matters. The things we like, even the fictional things, mean something about the condition of our souls.

Kyo: I doubt that you even have a soul, you living horse's ass.

If you’re a man of God, you’re a man of God twenty-four-seven. You don’t get five minutes a day to indulge in pagan fantasies, to abdicate masculine responsibility, if only in your mind.

Sonia: So... you're taking it out on the world by writing a crappy article?
Kyo: Should've kept it on his hard drive, because I really wasn't in the mood to riff this.

All: You are, though.
Kyo: Holy crap, this guy is a deluded moron.
Sonia: Or drunk. Or high.
Akiko: I don't want what he's on, because I like having a working brain.

With all due respect to the older generation, and much respect is due, I think they’re dead wrong. We don’t take them half seriously enough.

Akiko: He lives on Pluto, right?
Sonia: The planet that he's from isn't even in this galaxy.
Kyo: Pluto has a heart on it. He doesn't have one. Big difference.

Movies are great. I love movies. But a movie is never just a movie. A story is never just a story. The good stories ennoble us. They make us, in their own humble way, better men and women. The bad ones have the power to mutilate our souls.

Kyo: And that's the only truthful statement in this whole article!

Sonia: I'm the only riffer in this room who doesn't have a sister, and considering this tripe... I'm glad that you don't have any.

I was friends with some girls but I didn’t particularly understand or know how to respect them.

Akiko: So that's why this article is here.
Kyo: He sounds like one of those creepy ass "Nice Guys".
Akiko: You mean like Rory?
Kyo: Oh, no. Rory's just a little scatterbrained, but he's cool.
Sonia: He's talking about the types who think that women are all dating the "bad boy biker guys" while ignoring them, the "nice gentlemanly types". Doesn't help that they usually call women "bitches" for it, either.
Akiko: Oh.

I didn’t have many opportunities growing up to learn a woman’s worth. Nobody was preaching any sermons about it in the churches we went to early on.

Movies and TV were a big part of how I learned who women were. And they lied to me.

Kyo: Holy shit. You have issues, man. Seek help. Seriously. You believed a fuckin' picture box over real life!

They told me that women were glorified boys who tagged along on adventures, took care of themselves, and wouldn’t let you have sex with them until sometime late in act 2 when, for no particular reason, they would.

These are terrible things to learn about women.

Sonia: I'm learning a lot of terrible things from you, so I guess it all cancels out, correct?

Akiko: *as the author* Even though it is. By the way, I'm going to contradict myself in less than one second.

You’re just doing what you think you’re supposed to. The actresses who played you were just submitting to their industry and their directors and producers and agents. Which is what you’d expect. Everybody has to submit to somebody. For most women it’s going to be a man.

Kyo: I think I just threw up in my mouth. You don't tell a woman to submit to a man... unless it's consensual BDSM. *speaks quickly* Then I'll just submit to Miyu.
Sonia, Akiko: *looks at Kyo*
Kyo: What?
Akiko: You're kinky.
Sonia: What do you expect? He's a giant masochist.

These particular women choose the men who told them if they degraded themselves they’d be free. And they’d be inspiring others to be free.

It’s just so sad.

Kyo: Just like this article. Sad.

I wish every one of the ladies who played y’all had a father or a husband who loved them enough to tell them they weren’t allowed to do what they did. If saying that makes me a monster, okay, I’m a monster.

Sonia: Yes, you are. You're a misogynistic monster who needs to shut up. *smiles sweetly* Was that good enough?

Kyo: Well, that's true. You do suck major ass.
Akiko: *snickers*
Sonia: You don't want or need their help, author. You only want them in your "glorious" presence so you could talk down to them firsthand.

I’m passive. I’m weak. I don’t need more excuses. What I need is something to fight for, someone to fight for, someone to protect. If you rob me of that, you rob me of my dignity as a man.

Akiko: *throws a rose at the screen* You have no dignity!

So don’t be part of the conspiracy (led mostly by wicked men) to murder my motivation and crush out my will like a cigarette butt.

Kyo: Do you need a butthurt report form or something? You're bitching about fictional women doing shit that is not gonna happen in real life! So what if Rey has the Force? So what if she can do things that other guys can't? That's how things go! Some women can do some things better than us dudes! You don't see me shitting my bed because Sonia can lift things that I can't, because Akiko is faster than me, or that Miyu is mentally stronger than I am!
Akiko: Yeah, about that... I think he needs a replacement bedroom, not a bed.

Sonia: Uh... no, we don't.

They feel stupid and afraid to do what’s right. They feel like they have to trade in their dignity and value and beauty as Women with a Capital W in order to appease men like the ones who make your movies, and men like the ones who buy the tickets. They feel a little bit more alone and unprotected. They feel scared.

Sonia: No, we don't! Stop trying to speak for every last one of us, because you clearly don't have an understanding on how an individual woman feels. You only want a woman who does what's best for you and you alone.
Akiko: What's even worse is that he just admitted that he doesn't talk to women, so... how the heck does he know what we want?
Sonia: The inconsistency is mind boggling.

They want to do what’s right and the Entertainers, the High Priests of their particular culture, are telling them to do what’s wrong. It’s about as uplifting as a girl coming down the stairs in a beautiful dress, and her daddy telling her to go upstairs and change into something sluttier.

Akiko: I don't know what he's talking about any more.
Kyo: I don't blame you, because neither does he.

Kyo: You heard the "man", ladies! Start being useless like Bella Swan and Ana Steele, because that's why you were put on this planet!
Akiko: No, thanks. I have better things to do, like... you know... having a life... and having my own thoughts... you know, living.

So women look around, and they see the women that men seem to value, and they try to become those women. They try to become women like you.

Sonia: Tell me again how that's supposed to be a bad thing.
Kyo: *as he puts on his church choir uniform* You know why. Now read your damn Bible.
Sonia: I don't think I'd be able to read one while you're here. They usually burn up when you're in the same room with one.
Akiko: Wow. Kyo-chan really is the fluffy Anti-Christ.
Kyo: Halle-goddamn-lujah.

Sonia: You're not a real man. A real man wouldn't be so whiny about how other women do things that are out of the norm.
Akiko: Wow. Zaku never had that type of attitude.
Kyo: Who's he?
Akiko: He's my partner who I like a lot. We founded the biker gang that I'm in together.
Kyo: Oh, don't tell the author that. His head will explode... never mind, go tell him that.
Sonia: *as the author* Equals?! *swoons* What blasphemy!

Most real women, when they make themselves ugly the way you all are ugly, don’t have a million dollar budget to pretty themselves back up.

Akiko: *balks* Um. 'Scuse me?
Kyo: Did he just call a bunch of fictional women ugly?
Sonia: Your gloves were already off, Kyo. You might as well rip your fur off.
Kyo: Okay, in that case... author... get bent. You weren't doing a good job of hiding your sexism earlier, but now it's way out in the open. Get bent.

And most men, as a rule, don’t much like themselves. Not as much as we pretend to. We certainly don’t feel very inspired to fight for a woman trying her best to be just like us. She’s worth dying for used to mean something. If there’s nothing precious or exalted about women, why should men bother?

Akiko: Sorry, guy. Shape up or ship out, because I don't deal with whiners.
Kyo: It's either that or he could do the next best thing if he was stuck in a fictional world with tough women.
Sonia: And what's that?
Kyo: Die. The audience loves it when whiny and sexist pricks like him buy the farm.
Sonia: You are so evil.

So:

Sonia: I wasn't here to build myself for a guy, anyway. No, this isn't the "Real Woman Grrrl Powah!" stuff that my brother talks about in Mary Sue fics that bash the other girls who wear dresses. I'm saying that I'm not here to be a man's living prop.
Akiko: Did he just call us "gullible"?
Kyo: That's because his dumb ass didn't look in the mirror. Remember, this is the same human chunk of smegma who bitched to us that a television lied to him. Also, he's saying that men are sending mixed messages. Huh. Guess all those old articles that I riffed in the past with the ladies were probably right after all.
Sonia: No, they were still awful. They just weren't as bad as this garbage.

And men do reject them. Look at the divorce statistics, look at the TV shows and books and articles by women desperately wondering why it’s so hard to hold on to a man. That’s a bigger problem than the purview of this letter, but you fictional female warriors are part of it.

Kyo: Go fuck yourself. You're blaming fictional people for real life problems. Maybe the problem is with you and not the stuff that you're watching.
Sonia: You know that everything is somehow a woman's fault, Kyo.
Akiko: I'm confused. He really hates women, huh? How does that make sense when a woman gave birth to him?
Kyo: He's not human. He popped out of a seahorse, Akiko.
Akiko: I believe it.

Sonia: Up yours. There's no better way to put that.
Akiko: Why do I feel like riding my bike around the city just to spite him?
Kyo: Do it. I'm not stopping you.

And if there are any men that happen to be reading this, c’mon dudes. Tell your entertainers that you want them to show us the worth of women. Do that with your money and your time and the things you give yourself to.

Kyo: *confused* Huh? You want me to support stupid shit that'll please your oversized ego and limp dick? *chuckles* Sorry, asshole. I'm not doing that. I can, however, attempt to shove Axl's giant ice couch up your--
Sonia: Okay, okay, okay. You told him to shove twenty fedoras up his butt earlier. Do you really want to add more?
Kyo: Yes, I do. I need stress relief.

Kyo: I can do that.

Fight to restore their dignity. When you see them trying to be like the ladies in those movies, tell them no. Tell them that isn’t what you want. Tell them that’s never what you wanted.

Kyo: ...I'm not doin' that. And I sure as hell am not telling them what to do with their lives. Look, my sister can kick my ass. But I guess that doesn't make me a "real man", ain't that right, you real piece of shit?

And if there are any non-fictional non-warrior ladies reading this, don’t be afraid to honor God in how you live your life and how you express your sexuality.

Akiko: Which means that you can only be straight. And only do stuff that your husband approves of. *blinks* I'd get tired of that really quickly.

The Creator of the Universe, the One who made you a woman, will call you blessed, even if nobody else does. And there are plenty of men out there who want to honor you, even if we are bumbling morons about it much of the time.

Sonia: Well, you're right, author. You are a bumbling moron.

God forgive us for letting you ever feel afraid to be what God made you to be.

Akiko: *as the author* Even though I was pretending to be God while writing this article. Why don't the ladies love me?

Sonia: I think Rey's better off without your tainted money.

I think you should choose Poe over Finn. Unless of course…but that’s another open letter. See you gals in the movies!

Kyo: Looks like someone doesn't like interracial relationships. Or maybe he believes that the ace pilot is automatically superior to the ex-Stormtrooper. Speaking of that, why the hell are you trying to pit two friends over a woman? What the fuck is wrong with you? We weren't put on here just to stick our dicks into fleshy holes!
Sonia: Great. So he's a misogynist and a racist?
Akiko: Maybe. I think that that caused my IQ points to take a nosedive. Also, um... Poe's actor is -- and I hope that I'm saying this right -- Guatemalan-American.
Sonia: You said it right. Also, research does not exist, Akiko.

Your pal,

Akiko: "Pal". Ha!
Sonia: To take a page from Kyo... blow it out of your ass, because you are not my "pal". No "pal" talks down to me and thinks that they will still be a friend of mine after that.
Kyo: *flips the screen off* You took my words, so I'll just do this.

P.S:

Kyo: Shit. He's still not done vomiting his maggot-filled word salad out.
Akiko: Ew.

I almost forgot, I said your brand of empowerment made for bad storytelling. Why? Because if Keira Knightley can fight off dozens of undead pirates by herself, who cares if Whatshisface makes it there in time? Where’s the suspense?

Akiko: Doesn't the "Pirates of the Caribbean" series have comedy elements in it?
Sonia: He has long missed the memo, Akiko.

Kyo: It's official, reading shit that makes you think is too hard for him.
Akiko: ...he was thinking?

Not because we men think all y’all women are helpless, spineless prizes-to-be-won.

Kyo: Even though you do! Did you forget what you just wrote, dumbass?!
Sonia, Akiko: Yes, he did.

But because good drama comes from human nature.

Sonia: And every good drama probably involves a battered woman. You know, so the man can enjoy her clinginess to him. Right?
Akiko: *shudders*

The bad guy goes after the girl because that’s what bad guys do. They exploit vulnerability. And good guys defend and honor what is weak.

Kyo: He read the "Esaka Destiny 'Saga'", didn't he?
Sonia: If so, then he really ignored the part where Emi was only the bait. Barring a few writing errors, it was said point blank that Kyo was the real target.

Akiko: The epitome of womanhood! Be a prop, ladies!

The moral was that Tarzan was lucky to have the privilege. Jane was a girl worth saving. Every man should be so lucky.

Kyo: I must be the unluckiest man in the world because I had to riff this bullshit. You fucking toppled Benji. You fucking! Toppled! Benji!
Akiko: *stretches* I'm so glad that that's over. I have a question.
Sonia: Yes?
Akiko: Is there anything that tops an "Epic" Failure?
Kyo: "Colossal" and "Catastrophic". "Colossal" is really rage inducing, and "Catastrophic" is for really offensive crap, with the added bonus that we hate the person for writing it. "Epic" only means that we just hate the fic a lot.
Akiko: *stamps her sheet with the "Catastrophic Failure" tag* I should, because I cannot tell you how much that entire article offended me.
Sonia: *stamps her sheet* You masked it a lot better than we could.
Kyo: *stamps his sheet* Especially when you haven't riffed garbage as long as we have. I envy you for that, Akiko.
Sonia: Careful, Kyo. *sarcastically* That just made you a little less masculine.
Kyo: ...fuck that guy.

--

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